Unsure what to do about my mother.

[Negotaurus]

Hi, thanks for reading. Might be long, I'm sorry.

I am posting here because I'm not really sure what to make of this, and quite frankly, I am very close to shutting down on my mother. 

For the sake of context, my mother had an affair with my dad's best friend when I was little, after it blew up in her face, she got angry. At everybody, really, even my siblings. My little sister was 10, too young, brother an adult and living alone, but I was 15 and growing up. My mother then became very strict - didn't allow me to hang out with guy friends, to do my own thing, I was strictly to go to school, then art school (which I hated, can't force talent. I still struggle with drawing/painting to this day). After that I had to go home. Everything I did was somehow "wrong". I remember washing the dishes by hand and having her yell at me later because I didn't use the dishwasher. I remember crying at night and her yelling at me in the morning for being too loud. Anything I did was a cause for more conflict. So I guess you could say I became rebellious, but truthfully, I just wanted to live a normal life and I knew she was going to be mad no matter what. So I started lying a lot, stayed out late, the usual. I never did anything truly bad, I just wanted to be with my friends. I have never allowed anybody to control me again. And I think that's largely why me and my mother have a difficult relationship. I have always been the outsider in my family, but it's definitely set in stone at this point.

She became nice to me years later, after being diagnosed with cancer (I was 20, now 22). I was studying abroad, rushed home to assist with anything, and we got along pretty well. She is now free of cancer, and we are decent with each other, all thanks to the fact that we are not talking about personal matters and keeping it very superficial. Something still really hurts me when I see her with my siblings, especially my sister. She loves her so much and they are so very close. Mother also gets meaner towards me when sister is around. 

I would always try ignore it and do my best to stay confident and lead my life the way I see fit. I have a good job, pets, I am okay and doing well. But recently my mother has become quite stressed, and she seems to have made the decision to take it out on me. She is always passive aggressive towards me, giving me weird "looks", making faces at me like I am disgusting. Things we maybe did when we were in 5th grade. She blatantly ignores me sometimes when I have a question, just gives me a dismissive look, as if I'm a peasant and too far below her, then walks in the other direction (I am currently helping them out with some IT "stuff" at their office, so often the questions are related to the work I'm doing). 

I am honestly baffled. Not only is she a grown woman, she's my mother. And I really haven't done anything, I don't think. It blew up today when I told her how excited I am about a concert this summer, hoping that COVID won't somehow manage to interfere again. Well she just got so angry. I then found out she had booked some sailing trip for us at the time of the concert, one I had no idea about. Mind you, nothing's actually been paid yet. The boat is booked, there will be 10 other people joining, but no hotels, no plane tickets, nothing. I still chose my concert because I know they will be drunk 24/7 and one of the men joining is disgustingly inappropriate with underage girls. I didn't tell her that, I just said I really want to go to the concert. She made a disgusted face at me and told me to get out. 

It's not even the mean words per se, what kills me most is how she dismisses me, ignores me, appears to be genuinely disgusted by me, for reasons I don't understand. 

I will be working close to my parents for the next few weeks, it makes me happy and terribly sad at the same time. I want to be close to them, but to go home feeling so empty every night is cruel. I am afraid I will completely shut down on her. It's happened before and I was out of their lives for a long time, and I really hurt my dad with that. 

Can't talk to her, can't reason with her. Don't want to stay away either. So suck it up and keep it pushing?!

[d0nnivain]

You can't reason with her.  Even though you are an adult, you are not equals.  You are still her son & she is still your mother. 

If she brings up the concert & boat trip again explain that she needs to consult you before making plans for you.  Wish her well on her voyage. Buy her a small bon voyage gift -- a new tote, some sunscreen, a beach towel & let her go.  Meanwhile enjoy your concert. 

As soon as you are able live independently from her.