After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Doorstopper]

5 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

 

the thing about the unprotected sex is also really getting to me because we never used protection, never, and he always came in me and would tell me that we would have cute kids. Why would someone do that? I began thinking that he wouldn’t care if I got pregnant and that it might be a good thing. He seemed like a reliable, great dad taking care of his daughter all day. Even now he tells me he wasn’t lying when he said he only ever did certain things with me. 

 

It's possible that he's done having kids and has had a vasectomy, or is sterile. I honestly can't imagine anyone saying that under these circumstances unless they knew it was never going to happen.

[BaileyB]

Just sending you a hug tonight LShalcy. I hope you get a good sleep, tomorrow is a new day. 

[Beentheretoooften]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If it "helps" you to read all these folks applying labels that probably don't actually really apply to this guy, I suppose that's fine.

What he's done amounts, essentially, to a form of fraud. We don't have a good word for "emotional fraud" in English, so people seem happy to fill the void with whatever label pops into their (highly triggered by reading your story) heads and associated speculations.

He wasn't discovered. He TOLD you when he could just as easily continued to lie. He's just fine in the head and completely rational. Probably is mildly sociopathic.

What he gets out of this "fraud" is a relationship with you, that no doubt supplements what is (likely) a "ships passing in the night" marriage.

He thinks of this as "detention" because he doesn't realize just how much and how deeply he's hurt you. Probably because he is married and is not realizing how emotionally committed YOU are to this. He is your "one", you are his "one of two". Possibly he's never been cheated on or betrayed by someone he loves and trusts. At any rate he doesn't get it.

Rather than trying to proclaim him Saddam Hussein or Ted Bundy, I'll give you the same advice I would give ANYONE who's dealing with, essentially, a con man. Stay away. He is a con artist. He will take from you - in this case your "love" and a BF/GF relationship. But he will not give it back, at least not fully. He can't do that, because he's married. It's really that simple.

So well written and thought out 

the bashing of him likely gives her immediate comfort 

[Camper]

On 5/4/2021 at 11:10 PM, LShalcy said:

 the worst of it is I keep imagining him with her, how often do they sleep together, do they kiss every morning do they hold hands and lay together on the couch, just everyday things are making me insane.

Thank you again (and to everyone who commented and offered suggestions). 

 

 

 

I am the betrayed wife; my husband had an affair with a co-worker for two years and I was clueless about it. She knew he was married. 

Trust me, the betrayed wife thinks these same things when she finds out about the affair. Imagine how it feels to find out that every time your husband told you we was "working late," that he was actually canoodling with his lover at HER apartment, on HER couch, banging HER brains out.

Your anger at her is misplaced. Be angry at the dude who lied to both of you for two years.

[Noproblem]

On 5/6/2021 at 1:40 AM, LShalcy said:

 

 

I can’t see why I’m the OW all the time and not the wife 🥺

 

 

 

I can see why? Because you don't set boundaries and don't hold your self high.

Why would you even have unprotected sex with someone who is not your husband or a partner who you live with?

If you know your worth, guys will see it too. If you let them make you a door mat, they will always choose the other girls even when you are better than the other girls, they will not see you as better, they will see you as someone who they can fool, and leave behind!

Right now you are just a hot woman who they can have free sex with and then manipulate and placate by telling you lies on how you are special, sexy, beautiful and other words.

The reason you are not moving on is because you don't want to lose this virtual box that gives you compliments of how great you are and provide sexual relief.

There is no love involved here, you are just afraid to be left alone.

[ redacted ]

think about you kids, and their well being, stop thinking with your weak heart and private parts!

You be successful, independent and get them a man that is not in detention, a man that can protect your kids and support you!

Not a rotten criminal and a cheater!

SO I am not even sorry about what happened to you, I am sorry for your kids because if you didn't get your act together, they will suffer a lot from your bad choices!

 

FYI: GET THESE TAPES YOU DID WITH HIM BEFORE he shares them online!

 

Edited May 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[NYAG]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think your gut was trying to warn you a while ago that something was off about this man, though. Maybe you need to pay more attention to those instincts in the future. 

For example,  you said he always had excuses as to why you could not go his house. Did you honestly believe those excuses, or did you convince yourself to believe them? I am going to guess there were other things that weren't quite adding up for you as well. I say that because one occasion in which a man was wearing his work pants at night and you immediately knew what was going on. I am not sure many others would have spotted the connection right away unless they'd been suspicious before. 

Had this been playing on your mind for a while?

Continuous excuses to avoid a certain situation ie you going to his house is a MASSIVE red flag in my book. I would have spotted that instantly.

[Starswillshine]

A few things:

1) you met online. So this wasn't even you guys just so happen to meet one day and fell in love situation. This was a situation where this guy was actively looking for someone to have an affair with. Keep this in mind. 

2) you are focusing on the sex. That you made sex tapes. That he said he did things with you he never did with others. This could be true, it could not be. But don't confuse kinky sex with love. 

3) you believe because of all these things he told you, he must not love his wife. Possible, but more likely, he loves her with as much capacity as this sort of guy can love someone. Just like he is probably telling her how much he loves her, etc. They obviously have a child together. 

3) think how deranged it is for him to share photos of his daughter to lure you in that he is an amazing father. While this is pretty common in affairs, I find it overly disgusting. 

4) it is likely he had a vasectomy. My ex husband had, and thus he didn't use protection. It was so humiliating to call my doctor who had been my doctor for 15 years and ask for a STD test. 

5) you basically just found out your boyfriend has been cheating on you. And he is saying to you, I know I am cheating, but I'm not ending it. If any of your friends came to you and told you that her boyfriend is cheating with someone else and has decided to live with that AP .... what would you tell your friend? Would it ever be ok just because he was cheating from day 1? Absolutely not..

6) you have invested 2 years in this guy. While it seems like a lot, it is barely a drop in the bucket compared to 20+ years, homes, children, etc.... get out now while you can. 

[Stupidkupid]

14 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

@LShalcy

Hi. I’ve just read through your post and everyone’s responses.  
I am so so sorry for what you’re going through right now.  I can well imagine how awful you are feeling. 
I won’t reiterate or add to the fantastic advice you’ve already been given but just wanted to say. PLEASE listen to these lovely people who are trying their hardest to help and advise and comfort you.  I came to this forum a few months back with a situation that was breaking me.  These guys helped massively and it’s with their help that I’m still now maintaining no contact with my exMM and starting to feel better about myself and life in general as well as positive for the future.  

They know what they’re talking about. They are all saying the same thing. They are all willing you to make the best decision you can make for yourself and your future. Please do make the right one and tell him it’s over, block and delete him. You will feel absolutely sh*t for quite a while but you will come out the other side a better and stronger person for having kicked this arsehole to the curb and not let him deceive you any further.  
 

Huge hugs xx 
 

 

Pleased to see you're doing well ❤️

[Stupidkupid]

14 hours ago, Doorstopper said:

I will argue for telling the wife ASAP. One of the things it do, that may help you, will be to immediately end the relationship forever. I know this sounds awful, and you don't know how you'll make it without him, but ripping the band-aid off is preferable to spending months agonizing over what to do, or worse; Staying in the relationship and becoming the OW who knows that she's involved with a married man. 

The sooner you take steps to move on, the quicker you will heal.

Good Luck!

So, this is what I was going to say. 

The only purpose for telling the wife in this case to to end things once and for all. And for that reason alone I would advocate for it but that is not my usual position.

And you will see the real him, you will get an insight into him there and then. You tell his wife and he will drop you like a hot stone, he'll be out and throwing you under the bus faster than cheetah chasing an antelope. 

[Stupidkupid]

43 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

A few things:

1) you met online. So this wasn't even you guys just so happen to meet one day and fell in love situation. This was a situation where this guy was actively looking for someone to have an affair with. Keep this in mind. 

2) you are focusing on the sex. That you made sex tapes. That he said he did things with you he never did with others. This could be true, it could not be. But don't confuse kinky sex with love. 

3) you believe because of all these things he told you, he must not love his wife. Possible, but more likely, he loves her with as much capacity as this sort of guy can love someone. Just like he is probably telling her how much he loves her, etc. They obviously have a child together. 

3) think how deranged it is for him to share photos of his daughter to lure you in that he is an amazing father. While this is pretty common in affairs, I find it overly disgusting. 

4) it is likely he had a vasectomy. My ex husband had, and thus he didn't use protection. It was so humiliating to call my doctor who had been my doctor for 15 years and ask for a STD test. 

5) you basically just found out your boyfriend has been cheating on you. And he is saying to you, I know I am cheating, but I'm not ending it. If any of your friends came to you and told you that her boyfriend is cheating with someone else and has decided to live with that AP .... what would you tell your friend? Would it ever be ok just because he was cheating from day 1? Absolutely not..

6) you have invested 2 years in this guy. While it seems like a lot, it is barely a drop in the bucket compared to 20+ years, homes, children, etc.... get out now while you can. 

There are lessons here, aren't there? Don't make sex tapes. Or send nudes to men, particularly men you are not married to.

Married men will lie to get what they want and @LShalcy its not like you need to find evidence of him lying. He's hidden a wife from you and you from a wife for two years. He's a liar. And he's not that bothered how he goes about doing that (inclined to agree with @mark clemson ref not assigning labels but he's not a good guy, whatever the label). 

Don't have sex without protection outside of a marriage or live in relationship. 

This bit above in bold... think about it like that. If this were a friend of yours you would be losing it on their behalf. Completely apoplectic. I am angry for you and I don't know you! I can't imagine how I would be if it were a friend. 

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, Noproblem said:

Why would you even have unprotected sex with someone who is not your husband or a partner who you live with

This is a relevant and important question.  

you have children already why would you risk getting pregnant with this person -in fact more worryingly be pro active in trying to bring another life in to a relationship with someone whose home you hadn’t even visited ?  If anyone threatened my kids well-being or happiness I would fight with every fibre of my being to stop  it - yet you stay attached to someone who is doing  just that . Sorry but enough.
 

while I don’t want to add to your  upset and  feelings of inadequacy, low self respect and self worth I’d also throw in the fact that as a teacher you hold a certain position of respect and I’m sure you’ve worked hard in your career to build this -don’t throw that away too for this jerk . 
 

IMO your priorities are severely displaced and would be better placed in getting some therapy ASAP to understand yourself and heal .

I don’t want to be overly dramatic here but you  have some real and immediate threats  -to your career , your health , your family -“losing “ him  should pale into insignificance in the context of these and if it doesn’t I’m not sure what it will take for you to stop this . 

 

Edited May 6, 2021 by Snakesalive

[d0nnivain]

How many bad decisions can you tack on here?  

* unprotected sex with the possibility of unplanned pregnancy & an STD

* him saying you would make cute kids.  What kind of a sicko WANTS to impregnate his mistress?  

* making sex tapes -- read up on revenge porn.  You have to assume these tapes will be made public at some point & you will be fired on a morals clause as a result

* you thinking a man who has lied to you for 2 YEARS will suddenly tell you the truth or that by looking in his face you will be able to see the truth in his lying eyes

* thinking you are strong enough to meet him & just talk.  Ha.  He will have you on your back within the hour, happily continuing this affair. 

 

You have to find the strength to kick this LIAR to the curb now.  You won't.  You will meekly acquiesce.  You will probably end up pregnant with his kid then be back here crying about why he won't leave his wife for you.  You need to find your self respect & your own morals.  

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, Stupidkupid said:

Pleased to see you're doing well ❤️

Thank you 😊 

I still have my moments but am in a far better place than even a few weeks back.  
I heard the baby had come early end of last month. That totally killed any lingering nostalgia I had for him as I honestly can’t get over how he managed to lie to her and to me for so long. He is totally not worth my time, attention or headspace and I feel so sorry for his wife raising a family with a liar and cheat.  
 

I’ve even started (slowly) dating again. My guard is up and I’m making sure anyone I chat to/meet is most definitely single! 
 

Anytime I’m wavering I go back and read all the sound advice given from you guys and it resets my head again. 

Hope you’re doing ok too? 
Xx 

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, Stupidkupid said:

This bit above in bold... think about it like that. If this were a friend of yours you would be losing it on their behalf. Completely apoplectic. I am angry for you and I don't know you! I can't imagine how I would be if it were a friend. 

I think if it were a friend I’d be tempted to go confront this guy myself or I’d be sorely tempted to track down his wife somehow and let her know.  
I know when I eventually came clean to my friends about what had been going on they were livid at him on my behalf, really cross with me for keeping it all secret, incredibly supportive and absolutely determined that I don’t make the same mistake ever again. 
@LShalcy I really do hope you have a close friend or family member you can talk to and share this with and get them to be your support and shield in all that you’re going through.  Telling someone close to you and letting them tell you how they see it from an outsiders point of view can help you change your view of the situation too and hopefully will give you the strength to stand up for yourself and walk away from this creep.  
 

Please don’t go back to him looking for answers as he will only tell you what you want to hear.  Tell someone you’re trust to be honest with you. Someone who has yours and your daughters best interests at heart with no ulterior motives.  He wants to keep you happy so he can keep having sex with you.  
he’s put 2 years of effort into making you trust him and be reliant on him emotionally.  
If he loses you he’ll have to try shore up his marriage and also start looking for someone else to dupe - that’s a lot of work! Of course he’ll try and charm you back as that’s the easier and more convenient option.  Jeez if you’d fallen pregnant by him he could manipulate you all the more too. Count yourself lucky on that front at least.  
 

I do hope you’re feeling a bit calmer today and having read everyone’s advice you can start to think a bit clearer about how to extricate and protect yourself from this lowlife.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 5/4/2021 at 11:37 AM, LShalcy said:

I did see some signs, some uneasy feelings, but I chose to ignore them

Why did you ignore them? THIS is the question you should be asking yourself, not anything about him or his innocent wife. It may take therapy to get to the root cause of why you wouldn't act to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

On 5/4/2021 at 11:37 AM, LShalcy said:

We met two years ago

In the past two years, did you visit him at his house frequently? Did you notice his wife's belongings?

On 5/4/2021 at 11:37 AM, LShalcy said:

“I find a way”

This man is only concerned with having the best of both worlds. A loyal and unaware wife, and a side chick who is willing to sweep obvious signs under the rug so that she can hold on to him. 

 

On 5/4/2021 at 11:37 AM, LShalcy said:

And in some way, I don’t care about the feelings of his wife, she doesn’t seem real to me, just a faceless person who I hate.

Why do you hate his wife? What did she do to you? She is innocent. She's the one who manages a household and bills with him, who looks after him when he's sick, who cleans up after him, who shares parenting duties with him, who wakes up next to him and deals with his messy hair, gas and morning breath. You don't have to deal with these types of things with him, so of course you're able to romanticize your interactions with him.

On 5/4/2021 at 11:37 AM, LShalcy said:

Why would he continue to have unprotected sex with me when there is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy when he has a wife?

Because you allow him to. Because he's reckless with the lives of other people. Get yourself tested. I'm willing to bet there are more women he's seeing.

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Minnie Moo said:

Thank you 😊 

I still have my moments but am in a far better place than even a few weeks back.  
I heard the baby had come early end of last month. That totally killed any lingering nostalgia I had for him as I honestly can’t get over how he managed to lie to her and to me for so long. He is totally not worth my time, attention or headspace and I feel so sorry for his wife raising a family with a liar and cheat.  
 

I’ve even started (slowly) dating again. My guard is up and I’m making sure anyone I chat to/meet is most definitely single! 
 

Anytime I’m wavering I go back and read all the sound advice given from you guys and it resets my head again. 

Hope you’re doing ok too? 
Xx 

You’re doing so well @minniemoo in genuinely pleased got you  

it’s amazing how when you’re out if it and committed to that decision things become easier /we’re all on a journey but it has the promise of a great  authentic future which I fear can’t be said for the wives and the lives of these men drenched in deceit 

[Minnie Moo]

28 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

You’re doing so well @minniemoo in genuinely pleased got you  

it’s amazing how when you’re out if it and committed to that decision things become easier /we’re all on a journey but it has the promise of a great  authentic future which I fear can’t be said for the wives and the lives of these men drenched in deceit 

Thank you 😊 

Some days/evenings I still miss him like mad. But I know now I miss the fake him and never knew the real him.

 I’ll still hear about him on the dancing grapevine I’m sure and I don’t reckon it’ll be long before he strays again. 

If I do hear about it,  I’ll be jealous of his mistress and will pity his wife but I’ll also be damned glad I’m not either of them.  

The guy I’ve started dating is very straight with me, very honest,  very single and very ‘normal’ from what I can tell so far.  Even if it doesn’t work out long term at least it’s teaching me what a healthy relationship should be like 😊

 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

Even if it doesn’t work out long term at least it’s teaching me what a healthy relationship should be like 😊

So proud of you Minnie Moo! 

No, you don’t want to be either the mistress or the wife. You want to stay far, far away from the drama. 

Healthy relationships tend to be drama free relationships. It may feel strange to you, but I hope it is a revelation. There are good, loyal men out there who treat a woman with kindness and respect. I hope you have found yours. 💕

Edited May 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Minnie Moo]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

So proud of you Minnie Moo! 

No, you don’t want to be either the mistress or the wife. You want to stay far, far away from the drama. 

Healthy relationships tend to be drama free relationships. It may feel strange to you, but I hope it is a revelation. There are good, loyal men out there who treat a woman with kindness and respect. I hope you have found yours. 💕

Coming from you that means a lot ☺️ 

And you’re right. It does feel very strange and sometimes (like you warned it might) ‘boring’ and not as exciting. But those are good things in comparison to the drama and rollercoaster of the affair. 
 

I’m not sure if I’ve met someone I’ll be with for a little bit or for a long time but he’s lovely and it’s lovely just as it is for now.  

My dance lessons are back soon, I’ve joined a local ladies cricket team, I’m making a start on getting my CV sorted and looking for a different job for next year and I’m spending lots of time with family and friends again.
My head is clearer and my heart is happier and they’re both in agreement with each other too - freeing up so much emotional energy and headspace   

xx 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

My head is clearer and my heart is happier and they’re both in agreement with each other too - freeing up so much emotional energy and headspace   

Couldn’t be happier for you! 

You have made a remarkable turn around in a very short time. Well done! 

[LShalcy]

I need some help right now I am so lost!! I don’t know what to do and he is texting me like nothing is wrong and I’m so weak I just want to ask to see him tomorrow and just get this over with.

complete failure at work today unable to even submit my lesson plans in time struggling to finish them now..

Why would this even happen?

 

Edited May 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I just want to ask to see him tomorrow and just get this over with.

What would be your goal in meeting with him? To ask your questions and get answers?

 

25 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

complete failure at work today unable to even submit my lesson plans in time struggling to finish them now..

Do you think your ability to focus would be improved or not if you met him? 

 

26 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know what to do and he is texting me like nothing is wrong

What does this tell you about the man? 

 

26 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I noticed my last thread was closed pending moderator review.

It just got off topic. They will lean it up and probably merge this discussion with that - no worries. 

[LShalcy]

I would get comfort. And maybe some reassurance that I haven’t been crazy these past two years. 

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I would get comfort. And maybe some reassurance that I haven’t been crazy these past two years. 

Will it provide you comfort though? 

If he held you in his arms and told you that he loves you - will it feel the same? 

Now that you know the truth, is there anything he can say or do that will bring you back the peace, and joy, and happiness that you once felt in this relationship?

Edited May 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

LShalcy, have you ever read the book - Eat, Pray, Love? If you have, there is a moment when the author is laying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, completely distraught over the decision to end her marriage (or have children). She says that she heard “a voice” that said, “Go to bed Liz.” And she realized, she wasn’t going to solve the problem on the bathroom floor that night. That voice was reminding her that she should rest, because when she did should be stronger and better able to make a decision the following day (or whenever). 

I feel like that’s what you need to do. This kind of heightened emotional response is not good for you or your child. Tell this man that you will contact him when you are ready. You need some time to rest. You need to find a way to calm yourself, you need some time to gather your strength - and then you will deal with things. You do not have the strength to solve these problems today. And that’s ok. IF he loves you, he will respect that. He will wait because that is what is best for you. I would go for a walk with your child, then put her to bed, draw yourself a nice hot bath, and try to rest. There is no need to do anything tonight. Or tomorrow. Take as long as you need.

Edited May 7, 2021 by BaileyB