After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BaileyB]

LShalcy, have you ever read the book - Eat, Pray, Love? If you have, there is a moment when the author is laying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, completely distraught over the decision to end her marriage (or have children). She says that she heard “a voice” that said, “Go to bed Liz.” And she realized, she wasn’t going to solve the problem on the bathroom floor that night. That voice was reminding her that she should rest, because when she did should be stronger and better able to make a decision the following day (or whenever). 

I feel like that’s what you need to do. This kind of heightened emotional response is not good for you or your child. Tell this man that you will contact him when you are ready. You need some time to rest. You need to find a way to calm yourself, you need some time to gather your strength - and then you will deal with things. You do not have the strength to solve these problems today. And that’s ok. IF he loves you, he will respect that. He will wait because that is what is best for you. I would go for a walk with your child, then put her to bed, draw yourself a nice hot bath, and try to rest. There is no need to do anything tonight. Or tomorrow. Take as long as you need.

Edited May 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

Temporary relief only to add to even more pain and confusion. 

At some point, you will have to be strong and start to move forward. To deal with all the pain and hurt.... just so you can get to the other side. It is your choice whether you stay there for awhile and ultimately make it worse and waste more of your time. 

Telling that he is acting like there is nothing wrong. He sounds so much like my ex. 

[mark clemson]

Yeah, don't reach out. You must realize this guy is no good for you - just stringing you along while he remains married. It's hard to lose a BF perhaps, but much better to have one who won't start a relationship founded on deceiving you. As others have noted, he planned this from the start. If a married man wasn't what you went looking for in the first place - well, you've been had as they say...

[Minnie Moo]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Couldn’t be happier for you! 

You have made a remarkable turn around in a very short time. Well done! 

And hopefully sorted my picker out!  🤞 😂

[Stupidkupid]

21 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

Thank you 😊 

I still have my moments but am in a far better place than even a few weeks back.  
I heard the baby had come early end of last month. That totally killed any lingering nostalgia I had for him as I honestly can’t get over how he managed to lie to her and to me for so long. He is totally not worth my time, attention or headspace and I feel so sorry for his wife raising a family with a liar and cheat.  
 

I’ve even started (slowly) dating again. My guard is up and I’m making sure anyone I chat to/meet is most definitely single! 
 

Anytime I’m wavering I go back and read all the sound advice given from you guys and it resets my head again. 

Hope you’re doing ok too? 
Xx 

I'm great, thank you. And am really happy that the advice you got here helped you.

[Stupidkupid]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Yeah, don't reach out. You must realize this guy is no good for you - just stringing you along while he remains married. It's hard to lose a BF perhaps, but much better to have one who won't start a relationship founded on deceiving you. As others have noted, he planned this from the start. If a married man wasn't what you went looking for in the first place - well, you've been had as they say...

This and all of the above. And all of the advice from your other thread. 

[lana-banana]

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know what to do and he is texting me like nothing is wrong

Imagine, if you can, a friend or relative hurting you as much as this guy has hurt you. Now imagine them pretending it was fine. Would you agree to meet with them and hang out? You'd be furious that they were so callous about hurting your feelings!

He is doing all this because he doesn't respect you and doesn't believe you can resist. Prove him wrong. Just block him immediately and remember---there is *nothing* he could say or do to make things okay. He can't give you a "legitimate" relationship and he can't give you the last 2 years of your life back, and the fact that he doesn't even seem to think what he did is a big deal shows you how little he thinks of you.

Block him and start moving on with your life.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I noticed my last thread was closed pending moderator review.

Ok, why not tell him it's over then delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

That would solve a lot of problems.

It would get rid of a cheating liar and it would free you up to start talking to and meeting single honest men.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

The man you thought he was is not who he really is. He allowed you to believe he is someone he is not. All the sweet loving experiences were fake because it all was a deception to get what HE wanted with very little concern with how the truth affects you. He withheld the truth from you because he knew you wouldn't let him take from you what he wanted otherwise.  This may seem an obvious statement to some reading this, but in your current shock, I believe it will take you a long, long time to fully realize it and accept it. 

Be confident he's exactly the same to his wife--shows her what she needs/wants to see to deceive her to play the role he wants. She is even more played than you as they are legally, financially bound together and have family together. Their lives are interwoven with each other's. She is more entangled, and deceived, than you.

Imagine being entangled to that degree with a man who is so selfish, callous, and deceptive. This is the truth about the man you've been loving it up with: he is not the great guy you imagined/he let you believe; he is a very selfish, deceptive guy who enjoys using others for his purpose; he is a person who gets a sick thrill from deceiving others and feeling power over them in his deception. High probability that he tells himself how smart he is to outwit his victims (you, his wife, possibly others).

One danger you face now is to make excuses for his behavior--it's easier to make excuses than to deal with the pain of such deep betrayal, cognitive dissonance, and impact to your self-esteem. Resist the temptation to try to explain away his behavior with excuses (e.g. he's not happy in his marriage, he had a bad childhood, he's never met anyone like you before, you're the one he REALLY loves, he's confused, etc.). Making excuses only makes you complicit in your own deception and demise. Don't do that to yourself. Stay with the truth and don't let him talk you out of it. 

In order to free yourself from this, you have to begin to realize and accept the man you loved never existed. He might as well been a cardboard cutout. The man he truly is is dangerous to your well-being. 

Edited May 7, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Added Otherwise

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/4/2021 at 6:29 PM, LShalcy said:

I said, “obviously you know” and he says “I want you to tell me”.

^^^^Why do you suppose he said this? I'll tell you why. I am telling you something very important: THIS MAN IS ENJOYING SEEINGYOU WRITHE IN PAIN. He us getting off on hearing you tell him how much this is hurting you! DO NOT PLAY INTO IT!!!

On 5/4/2021 at 6:29 PM, LShalcy said:

But he tells me I still have him when I obviously don’t. 

Because he wants to keep the deception going. He wants to extract from you what he wants. He does not care about you or how this impacts you or anyone else!

On 5/4/2021 at 6:29 PM, LShalcy said:

If I see him, I’ll at least feel better. 

No. No! NO!! Ugh, at least try to see how this is bad for you. Right now, this is you: "I didn't know I was on [illicit street drug], but if I have some more of it at least I'll feel better!"

Also, people who cut themselves feel better after they do it, but is it good for them to slice themselves up? I don't think so. Get some professional help to help you navigate your way out of this. 

Edit: I meant to include...this guy's ego is going through the roof that he has you eating out of the palm of his hand to the extent that you would also betray yourself, your values, and all your sensibilities to run after him KNOWING how deeply he has betrayed and deceived you. DO NOT GIVE HIM SUCH A THRILL AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE!

Edited May 7, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And maybe some reassurance that I haven’t been crazy these past two years. 

You already know you haven't. 

And it's unlikely he's suddenly going to tell you the full truth now, either. He has no respect for you. He'll spin it however best suits him. Remember, your needs are not important to him, and they never were. It's only recently that you discovered that. 

Seeing him will probably bring you zero comfort, and only more pain - you will realize that you don't actually know the man in front of you. The emotional fraud this person pulled off would creep me right out. I asked before, but do you have any (verifiable)  clue where he actually lives or what his real name is? I mean that in all seriousness. Have you ever caught a glimpse of his ID or some such thing? Have you ever met anyone associated with him? 

What were the excuses he gave you for not being able to come to his house for the last two years? 

Edited May 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/4/2021 at 11:10 PM, LShalcy said:

Thank you so much for this. I don’t have many friends really, so I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Your words have really helped me today, and I’ve been rereading some of your posts to make myself feel better. I’ve been rereading ALL of  the comments and they have really, really helped so thank you to everyone who took a moment to comment, I really appreciate it.
 

I’m still just so confused about so many things that I feel like I have no choice but to ask these things of him, try to gain some sort of understanding about what happened and why he would do this. I have been a complete failure as both a mother and a teacher these past few days, I just need my questions answered:

why did he lie for all this time instead of even saying he was married but “separating” or “not in love with his wife”. Why did he tell me I was the first person he ever did certain things with, he has to watch our videos over and over, he misses me he can’t wait to see me etc etc for so long?! What did he gain by this, when he KNEW I was falling for him and he just strung me along, making me assure him I was only seeing him, that I was his. He would consistently  say he wants to make sure Im not with anyone else, he would be so jealous if he had any competition, I have so much to offer etc. He took two years from me, for what? When all this time he was with another woman 😔 the worst of it is I keep imagining him with her, how often do they sleep together, do they kiss every morning do they hold hands and lay together on the couch, just everyday things are making me insane.

Thank you again (and to everyone who commented and offered suggestions). 

 

 

 

I am blowing up your thread because you're at a critical juncture right now--either you continue (now somewhat wittingly) down the path of your own self-deceit/demise OR you steel yourself against all the temptation and force yourself away from this guy (i.e. sociopath). 

Here's the answer to the questions in your above post:

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a....cute fuzzy little lamb? No!

You are still thinking of him as cute, fizzy lil lamb. He's not! He's the wolf who put on sheep's clothing every time he interacted with you. Deception, deception, deception!

Every time you interacted with him you were thinking along the lines of, "Awww I love this cute fuzzy Lil lamb. He's so warm and fuzzy and snuggly," while he was thinking, "Heh heh heh! I'm such a clever wolf!!!"

And that will continue until you set yourself free from this nightmare story!

Only you can do it. And you CAN do it!

You must study up on dsm personality disorders, especially sociopathy, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy.

Edited May 7, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[AngelLove]

I know it's hard to walk away after you invested emotionally into a relationship for 2 years. I get it. But the right thing is break it off and move on. Continuing to see him after this revelation will indicate that you accept the terms and condition of this arrangement. It will mean you're okay being an OW to him.As a result he won't try as hard to meet your emotional needs because you know he's committed to someone else and you're okay with being his side thing. Unless you want to play second fiddle, move on because that's all you will ever be to him

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I would get comfort. And maybe some reassurance that I haven’t been crazy these past two years. 

What comfort?  Are you really going to feel better to hear him tell you more lies?  

You weren't crazy.  This man lied to you.  He made you believe something that wasn't true.  He's a master manipulator.  You fell for it.  That doesn't make you crazy.  It may make you naïve because you did ignore huge red flags like never being able to go to his house. 

Whatever answers & comfort you seek you will not get from him.  All you are going to get from him is more garbage.  He's already trying to minimize his wrong doing.  He's acting like you should just continue along as you have been.  He knows he's been cheating all this time & it doesn't bother him.  He thinks that you should just overlook his wife & child.  He thinks you should be OK being perceived as a homewrecker, as the kind of person who doesn't respect another's vows.  He thinks you should be as dishonest as he is.  

The lesson for you here is that you do not know him at all.  The person he really is, is a lying cheating scumbag.  Stop thinking you can get anything except more heartache from him.

Do yourself a favor, cut him out of your life forever.  Block.  Walk away  Then you can start to lick your wounds & put the pieces of your life back together.  If you really have no friends with whom you can discuss this, book yourself a therapy appointment ASAP.  You need an outlet & support.  He can't provide that to you.  

[Marc878]

You know the answer. Keeping yourself in limbo is getting you what ?

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

You know the answer. Keeping yourself in limbo is getting you what ?

It would seem that it comes at the expense of her mental health, her inability to focus at work could put her job in jeopardy, and it is very likely affecting her ability to care for her child as distracted, depressed, and despondent women don’t make good mothers. 

I’m sorry, OP. I know this is really hard but you need to gather yourself. No man and no relationship is worth this. Ever. 

Edited May 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I would get comfort. And maybe some reassurance that I haven’t been crazy these past two years. 

You're not going to get comfort. You will only get MORE LIES. You are seeing him as you are: trusting, considerate, compassionate, empathetic...BUT THAT IS NOT WHO HE IS. He is a person who lies, deceives, and manipulates to get what he wants from people...and he does not care how it affects them. That is what his behavior is telling you.

If you meet with him, you will not get what you want. You will get more lies and manipulations, with perhaps kernals of truth mixed in, for the sole, express purpose of cementing you to him further...so that he can further extort your goodwill at your expense. He has proven himself to be a bad actor, a deceiver, a liar, a manipulator--do you think he will now become a different person who tells you the truth? He will not.

There is only one person here who can free you and give you honesty--it's YOU! Take time away from him to clear your mind so you can see straight. He is not going to help you do that. He's only going to tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to further his own agenda without regard to your best interest.

[BaileyB]

Seeing him will only confuse you more because it may “feel” the same, but EVERYTHING is different. Nothing is the same anymore, and it never will be again. It’s impossible to go back to a time when you trusted him and believed yourself to be his primary relationship - because now you know differently. 

You can chose to ignore this new information, and accept the role of “other woman.” But, in so doing, you will be accepting less than you thought you had. You will be accepting less than you want. Don’t do this assuming he is going to leave his wife - he won’t. A man who is sincere about a relationship with the OW and has any intention of leaving his marriage to be with the OW doesn’t lie to her about his marital status for two years.

[elaine567]

The man is going "oh sh*t she has found out. How am I going to play this? She could ruin everything"
So he has decided to go down the carry on as normal, nothing to see here route.
All is fine, we can do this, nothing needs to change, does it?
Of course I love you, you know that...
Please God nothing needs to change, for God's sake please don't tell my wife...

[Pumpernickel]

18 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know what to do and he is texting me like nothing is wrong and I’m so weak I just want to ask to see him tomorrow

Don't see him tomorrow! Don't see him at all. Period. He has zero respect for you. The 2-year lie that would still be ongoing if you hadn't asked is only one tragedy. The second and even bigger one is that he acts like nothing is wrong, and he's joking about being in detention. Are you kidding me? The lack of respect is blatant. Affairs are "fine-ish" if both parties are in agreement about the circumstances surounding it, but if one party deceives the other and creates a false backstory, that's outrageous. And showing no remorse and continuing as usual is unacceptable. Why on earth would you reward him for that? 

Edited May 7, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

The man is going "oh sh*t she has found out. How am I going to play this? She could ruin everything"
So he has decided to go down the carry on as normal, nothing to see here route.

Possibly, but actually IIRC from her other thread he told her. He was wearing his work pants on a visit over when he wasn't working; I have little doubt he could have easily brushed that off and continued to lie, but decided, for whatever reason to tell her at this point. But yes, now she knows.

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Possibly, but actually IIRC from her other thread he told her. He was wearing his work pants on a visit over when he wasn't working; I have little doubt he could have easily brushed that off and continued to lie, but decided, for whatever reason to tell her at this point. But yes, now she knows.

He knew the game was up, so he had no other option really but to come clean.
She knew, he knew she knew,
Lying through his teeth and denying it was going to be very difficult to do.

[mark clemson]

^^  Hmm. I don't agree. I think he could have just said "yeah, I wore my work pants out of habit" or similar and been done with it. So I believe it was a conscious/deliberate decision on his part to reveal this. However, like you I'm speculating/projecting, so we certainly can't be sure.

[BaileyB]

I agree Elaine, I think he knew his number was up.

A woman doesn’t ask a question like that, and life goes back to normal, after a quick denial. No, she’s going to be watching him closely. She’s going to begin asking more questions - what do you do on Sundays? Why haven’t I ever been to your house? 

He probably assumed that if he ‘fessed up now, it would go easier on him. If he continues to lie, the next time she catches him in a lie - because she is clearly suspicious now - he will have lost the high moral ground on which he thinks he stands now. “Hey - I could have continued to lie, but I didn’t. You asked and I was honest. I’m a good guy - really!”

I would suggest that he has likely thought about this and planned for this moment for a long time. Obviously, his plan was to offer an apology and hope this blows over quickly. As you said, there is nothing to see here. No big deal. We can just continue as we have... you still have me. Nothing has to change...

Edited May 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

^^ I agree he probably realized he couldn't keep up the deception forever. So (from my view) perhaps an opportunity to "bring this to a head" appeared. No doubt he realized he was going to have to tell her eventually.

Edited May 7, 2021 by mark clemson