After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Allupinnit]

I think the biggest takeaway is that he doesn't CARE that she knows.  He doesn't see the problem, because he feels they can carry on as before.  It's not like her knowing that he's married would prevent him from keeping up the ruse with his wife.  In fact, now he has an accomplice.  

He considers this knowledge of the OP a slight bump in the road of their affair.  I mean after two years she's never met his friends, his family, seen his home, nor met his daughter?  I think deep down she knew, but after seeing the work pants couldn't ignore it any longer.  I don't think his coming clean was some act of contrition.  He probably just got tired of lying to more than one woman so decided "eff it." 

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

I think the biggest takeaway is that he doesn't CARE that she knows.  He doesn't see the problem, because he feels they can carry on as before.  It's not like her knowing that he's married would prevent him from keeping up the ruse with his wife.  In fact, now he has an accomplice.  

He considers this knowledge of the OP a slight bump in the road of their affair.  I mean after two years she's never met his friends, his family, seen his home, nor met his daughter?  I think deep down she knew, but after seeing the work pants couldn't ignore it any longer.  I don't think his coming clean was some act of contrition.  He probably just got tired of lying to more than one woman so decided "eff it." 

He has admitted he’s been married for almost three years (it’ll be three years this year) which means that I’ve known him almost as long as he’s been married! 
 

I blame myself because in two years I did never meet his daughter or we didn’t take the kids to the park or anything. But this is someone who was in such open communication with me, and so open with his feelings etc etc I just tried to ignore it. I’ve never had anyone be so attentive except for my children’s father years ago or long ago boyfriends, and I’ve had plenty of flings and this was completely different. He has told me he can’t let go of the chemistry we have and it’s true. 
 

 Now, I’m sure he’s off every Sunday and at home with his wife because that’s when we would never meet but we would still talk all day. He would randomly ask to see me it wasn’t like it was just set to a certain day per week that never changed or he only ever texted me at a certain time of day..like men do when they have girlfriends or wives. 

I most definitely thought he was going to deny it when I asked because I just knew. He took almost a full day to answer and that’s when I knew for sure, without him even saying anything. And now, it doesn’t seem like he does care that I know or how hurt I am because he’s still texting me like usual, and still talking about how everything can be like it was before.   I told him I would have to see other people and he told me no, I don’t have to go back on a dating site,that I can have more of him. I asked how can that be and he says, just like it has been before and wanted to know how much I wanted him. 

I know I need to leave him alone because he has lied to me for two years..but no one can be that good of an actor can they? And what I thought was going to happen in my head was the complete opposite of what was happening in reality. But why would a man send me pictures of himself As a baby and talk about how our kids would look there was no one else around for him to fool, why do all that? What would be the point in making me think he wanted a baby with me (he was the first to mention it)? Why would he cum in me all the time as if he didn’t know it was a possibility? 

I know it doesn’t happen all the time but I’m sure people sometimes get married to the wrong people. This is putting me in a dark place and is already affecting my life and my kids because I can’t focus on them and I can’t focus on my work and I can’t focus on my life right now. I have to stop myself texting him all hours of the day because I just can’t believe what happened and I’m not strong enough. I don’t have even any friends to talk to and I just have so many questions.😔😔😔
 

 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

But why would a man send me pictures of himself As a baby and talk about how our kids would look there was no one else around for him to fool, why do all that?

The same man who says this...

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

he’s still texting me like usual, and still talking about how everything can be like it was before.   I told him I would have to see other people and he told me no, I don’t have to go back on a dating site,that I can have more of him. I asked how can that be and he says, just like it has been before

Delusional. That’s the only word for this man. He creates his own reality. 

You realize that he can’t really give you “more of him.” Certainly not if he plans to stay with his wife and child. Don’t you think his wife would have a problem with this? Not to mention the fact that he cants give you what you want - a legitimate relationship. A partner who is available to you on every single day of the week. Someone who will invite you over to cook you dinner and let you sleep in HIS bed. Someone with whom you can someday share your own home together. This man can’t offer any of those things. 

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

What would be the point in making me think he wanted a baby with me (he was the first to mention it)? Why would he cum in me all the time as if he didn’t know it was a possibility? 

Some men have a pregnancy fetish. Among other reasons, it often a power thing. 

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

he says, just like it has been before and wanted to know how much I wanted him. 

Just like this is a power and control thing. I have a feeling that this man thrives off the fact that you want him. Not only that - he wants you to tell him. Tell me, why are you upset. Tell me, how much do you want me. He shows no regard for your distress - he just wants to know that he “has” you - right where he wants you. He is revelling in your distress right now. It’s a huge ego trip for him! 

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know it doesn’t happen all the time but I’m sure people sometimes get married to the wrong people.

Don’t go down that road... the “some people just marry the wrong people but I’m the one he really wants” road... That’s just more delusion and you need to deal in reality now. IF he wanted to be with you, he would divorce his wife and be with you. Based on what you’ve said, he hasn’t even hinted at that. Not that you want it anyway - you don’t want this deceitful, unfaithful man as your husband.

Edited May 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Stupidkupid]

18 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He has admitted he’s been married for almost three years (it’ll be three years this year) which means that I’ve known him almost as long as he’s been married! 
 

I blame myself because in two years I did never meet his daughter or we didn’t take the kids to the park or anything. But this is someone who was in such open communication with me, and so open with his feelings etc etc I just tried to ignore it. I’ve never had anyone be so attentive except for my children’s father years ago or long ago boyfriends, and I’ve had plenty of flings and this was completely different. He has told me he can’t let go of the chemistry we have and it’s true. 
 

 Now, I’m sure he’s off every Sunday and at home with his wife because that’s when we would never meet but we would still talk all day. He would randomly ask to see me it wasn’t like it was just set to a certain day per week that never changed or he only ever texted me at a certain time of day..like men do when they have girlfriends or wives. 

I most definitely thought he was going to deny it when I asked because I just knew. He took almost a full day to answer and that’s when I knew for sure, without him even saying anything. And now, it doesn’t seem like he does care that I know or how hurt I am because he’s still texting me like usual, and still talking about how everything can be like it was before.   I told him I would have to see other people and he told me no, I don’t have to go back on a dating site,that I can have more of him. I asked how can that be and he says, just like it has been before and wanted to know how much I wanted him. 

I know I need to leave him alone because he has lied to me for two years..but no one can be that good of an actor can they? And what I thought was going to happen in my head was the complete opposite of what was happening in reality. But why would a man send me pictures of himself As a baby and talk about how our kids would look there was no one else around for him to fool, why do all that? What would be the point in making me think he wanted a baby with me (he was the first to mention it)? Why would he cum in me all the time as if he didn’t know it was a possibility? 

I know it doesn’t happen all the time but I’m sure people sometimes get married to the wrong people. This is putting me in a dark place and is already affecting my life and my kids because I can’t focus on them and I can’t focus on my work and I can’t focus on my life right now. I have to stop myself texting him all hours of the day because I just can’t believe what happened and I’m not strong enough. I don’t have even any friends to talk to and I just have so many questions.😔😔😔
 

 

I'm going to sound really harsh here but you need to pull your big girl pants on and sort your head out. Otherwise, this is going to damage your career and whole life, your children. If you can't put them first I don't even know what to say to you.

This is one man in a world of men. Decent, honest, good men who will be with you and only you.

You met this man on a dating site (at least thats how ive interpreted this) which he joined less than a year after he got married.

He was actively and deliberately looking for a woman to cheat on his wife with. He's gross.

And he doesn't want you to date!? He wants a wife, and you, and to pretend this didn't happen and for you to stay with him, as his mistress(!) hurting his wife, and hurting yourself but always remaining faithful to him.

He is not a good man. He is not a man you want in your life, influencing any decisions you make, being near your children.

Nah. You need to pull it together. Be a mom and sack this guy off. Horrid.

Edited May 7, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[introverted1]

44 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know it doesn’t happen all the time but I’m sure people sometimes get married to the wrong people.

Certainly this is the case for his wife.

Are you planning to tell her?

[elaine567]

55 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He would randomly ask to see me it wasn’t like it was just set to a certain day per week that never changed or he only ever texted me at a certain time of day..like men do when they have girlfriends or wives. 

This random asking to see you and texting was when he could get away, when his wife wasn't around, so exactly what MM do... 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And what I thought was going to happen in my head was the complete opposite of what was happening in reality. But why would a man send me pictures of himself As a baby and talk about how our kids would look there was no one else around for him to fool, why do all that? What would be the point in making me think he wanted a baby with me (he was the first to mention it)? Why would he cum in me all the time as if he didn’t know it was a possibility? 

Because it kept you hooked. 

He knows what he is doing. And it's all pretty gross. 

And you knew something didn't add up about him. You've known for a long time, it sounds like. Don't ignore your gut next time. Don't fool yourself into thinking that a dweeb like this loves you. 

He doesn't. 

Edited May 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, you are focusing on the wrong things. I hope you will actually read the posts I made to your threads and take them seriously. 

I, and many other good people here, who have been in your situation and have the benefit of hindsight and/or objectivity, are trying to help you. Please help yourself by giving our words serious consideration. 

Edited May 8, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[elaine567]

Ok so what is the story of his wife?
Is this a long term living arrangement turned into a marriage or an arranged marriage or was this a new love match, or something else?
Why after only a year of marriage did he go on a dating site looking for someone else?

 

[d0nnivain]

Even if he married the wrong woman he could have divorced her.  That happens.  Instead he CHOSE to cheat on her for 2 years.  That makes him a BAD GUY.  

Just break up with him & block already.  

If he married, knew it wasn't working, met you & started dating you & within 1-2 months came clean & started divorce proceedings that would be a different story.  It was a path open to him.  He didn't chose it. Instead he lied to you both & made a sham of his marriage & your relationship.  

[Minnie Moo]

On 5/7/2021 at 11:00 AM, Stupidkupid said:

I'm great, thank you. And am really happy that the advice you got here helped you.

Excellent!
We’re stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Hopefully knowing there is light on the other side of the split will give the OP hope that it’s not always going to hurt so badly and she will be all the better for being out of the situation.🤞 

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Ok so what is the story of his wife?

My current pet theory/conjecture is she got pregnant unexpectedly and so they married. He doesn't seem to be overly into condoms.

Having a full on GF seems like a pretty big deal for an affair, so I'm guessing they don't see each other that much. The work schedules clearly have at least something to do with it.

Edited May 8, 2021 by mark clemson

[Allupinnit]

OP did you end up seeing him?  I hope you're ok.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. It sounds like you talked to him yesterday. Our posts may not be what you want to hear right now but we are all concerned about you. I hope you are doing ok. I’m sure the weekend has given you more time to think. Please know, we are thinking of you. 

[LShalcy]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed. It sounds like you talked to him yesterday. Our posts may not be what you want to hear right now but we are all concerned about you. I hope you are doing ok. I’m sure the weekend has given you more time to think. Please know, we are thinking of you. 

Thank you so much for this; I wanted to reply earlier but each time I would start crying too much.

No I haven’t seen him, but yes I have talked to him and it’s just surreal that he is texting like it’s a week ago and everything is normal: talking about his daughter and how she is today and what they’re doing. 

I have tried to listen to the advice on here and I’ve been very noncommittal with my responses because I just want to see what he is going to say and if he is going to offer any other explanations but no, it’s the same as usual.  

I have just been thinking a lot but still trying to keep busy this weekend with my kids but I’m still not all there for them and getting angry at everything.all I can really think is that he’s going to be with her tomorrow for Mother’s Day and had to go out and buy her a gift.  I really don’t know anything about her, but it is very possible they got married because they had a child, because their daughter is four and they’ve been married three years. 
 

I am thinking I probably do need to see him just one last time because of course this is not a sustainable “relationship” and he’s not mentioning anything about leaving his wife so I’m assuming he’s not thinking along those lines. I wouldn’t be able to take it that I won’t see him again; that’s just unbelievable to me after all this time and energy. 
 

I’m still stunned that he specifically told me he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else but me and wanted to make sure of the same on my end — when he has a wife in his bed!!! and he would ask me if I was his all the time - I just can’t understand why someone would do that to someone else! 🥺🥺
 

this has been a hard last few days and I don’t expect it to get easier but I really do appreciate all of the support on here, thank you so much, it means a lot to me. 

Edited May 9, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

You sound calmer tonight, more focused and more grounded. I’m glad.

You are wise to just listen - hear what he says and also, all the things he doesn’t say. Remember the famous quote from Maya Angelou - “When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them.” It’s very fitting here. 

Yes, he will no doubt spend tomorrow with his wife and child. It’s Sunday, and it’s Mother’s Day. I would try not to let that ruin your day. Focus on your own children, they need you and they will bring you joy! Men will come and go from your life, your children are forever. 💕

Edited May 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I’m still stunned that he specifically told me he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else but me and wanted to make sure of the same on my end — when he has a wife in his bed!!! and he would ask me if I was his all the time - I just can’t understand why someone would do that to someone else! 🥺🥺
 

He was making sure you were "clean", so that he didn't get found out passing something on to his wife.
Many men who are playing around or are in casual and FWB relationships want the woman to be completely monogamous, whilst he gets to do what he wants. 
By telling you that he is monogamous you agree to bareback sex and that is a big bonus for most guys.
You saw that and the lack of worry about getting you pregnant as an indication he was serious about you, but WRONG!
Some guys have a thing about getting a woman pregnant, it is a huge turn on.
Had you become pregnant he would likely have urged an abortion or  deserted you...

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

He was making sure you were "clean", so that he didn't get found out passing something on to his wife.

This. 

OP, this guy is a complete fraud with no empathy. He's texting like normal because, well, this is his normal. This has been his normal the whole time - you just didn't know it. For him, nothing has changed other than you might tell his wife. Beyond that, it's status quo for him. 

And that is how you know he does not care. If he did, he wouldn't be chuggung along without much care in the world. He'd be expresing some sort of remorse, at the very least. But the fact that he's not doing that is your cue that this guy does not love you and does not care about your feelings. This arrangement works great for him. The fact that it's essentially shattered your entire world? Nah, he isn't concerned about that. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Had you become pregnant he would likely have urged an abortion or  deserted you...

Very sadly, we’ve had a few of these stories here. They are heartbreaking. 

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He's texting like normal because, well, this is his normal. This has been his normal the whole time - you just didn't know it. For him, nothing has changed

This is very true. His lack of remorse or empathy for your distress is very concerning. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I have just been thinking a lot but still trying to keep busy this weekend with my kids but I’m still not all there for them

Excellent. Reestablish all the things you let slide while caught up in his deception.

If it helps, picture that he may not even shower after sex with his wife and before coming to your place.

[LShalcy]

Hi all, I don’t have anything new really to post but I just needed to talk to someone and I have no one I can talk to about any of this and keeping it in all day is making me crazy.

So yesterday, Mother’s Day, I didn’t see him of course but he sent me the requisite happy Mother’s Day text with a whole bunch of hearts and kisses etc etc whatever.

I told him I needed to forget him because, obviously (and yes I had some Mother’s Day wine), and he became very upset and said please don’t, please don’t go out with anyone else, please be patient with me etc etc. he told me I’m the best person he’s ever been with, why would I need to see anyone else?, and he wants me to stop by and see him before he goes to work just so he can talk to me. He sent me pictures of him at work I guess to prove he’s there? 

I don’t know what he means by “be patient with him” but it just makes me so confused and even more hurt because I’ve already been patient without even knowing it - for two years he basically has been stringing me along making sure I wasn’t seeing anyone else. 
 

in some ways I wish I never found out because this is so hard and I just wish things would go back to normal. It takes all my effort during the day to stay focused and act normal and to not text him all the time. 
 

thanks for listening 😔

[BaileyB]

It can’t go back to normal though...

As much as one may want to go back to the day before they got that diagnosis, the day before they learned that there was a cancer growing within their body... they can’t. All you can do is deal with it. Sure, you can ignore it and avoid dealing with it for a while - but not for long, 

There is nothing he can do to make this better. Even if he offered to divorce his wife tomorrow, you don’t want a man who could deceive a woman this way. How would you ever be able to trust a word he says? 

You have problems when your “partner” is texting you pictures to “prove” he is at work. How do you build a relationship on such an unstable and untrustworthy platform? 

No, you need to get this man out of your life. I know that it’s hard, but you have to fight to desire to ignore the reality because it is just too painful and go with him into this fantasy life he has created... It does not serve you or your children to stay involved with this man. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

No, you need to get this man out of your life. I know that it’s hard, but you have to fight to desire to ignore the reality because it is just too painful and go with him into this fantasy life he has created... It does not serve you or your children to stay involved with this man.

Yes, exactly. 

At the end of the day, you don't really know this man, OP. You know the lie he sold you, and the fact that any man who genuinely loved you would not put you in such a postiion to begin with. There's no respect there, no honesty. No loyalty. No care for how this all affects you, let alone his wife. That poor woman. 

I would bet my bottom dollar that he has done this before. He's way too comfortable with lying and cheating for this to be his first rodeo. What you know about him is probably only the tip of a iceberg. My gut would be telling me there's plenty more he is hiding. 

I realize you are still in shock and not really ready to grasp reality, but you need to get away from this person. He is incredibly harmful to your well-being, and by extension, to that of your children. 

 

[NYAG]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It can’t go back to normal though...

As much as one may want to go back to the day before they got that diagnosis, the day before they learned that there was a cancer growing within their body... they can’t. All you can do is deal with it. Sure, you can ignore it and avoid dealing with it for a while - but not for long, 

There is nothing he can do to make this better. Even if he offered to divorce his wife tomorrow, you don’t want a man who could deceive a woman this way. How would you ever be able to trust a word he says? 

You have problems when your “partner” is texting you pictures to “prove” he is at work. How do you build a relationship on such an unstable and untrustworthy platform? 

No, you need to get this man out of your life. I know that it’s hard, but you have to fight to desire to ignore the reality because it is just too painful and go with him into this fantasy life he has created... It does not serve you or your children to stay involved with this man. 

I agree with all of this. If there are ANY question marks having over him, it's wrong and it will  come back and bite you.

[LShalcy]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I realize you are still in shock and not really ready to grasp reality, but you need to get away from this person. He is incredibly harmful to your well-being, and by extension, to that of your children. 

This is just too hard and today it’s harder and it hurts so much more for some reason. I feel as if I need to tell him he needs to leave his wife or that’s it and if he says no he won’t, then at least I’ll know and I can start to move on. 
 

when I told him I needed to move on he said please don't etc etc and I foolishly have in and said, I’m still here aren’t I? And he said yea, and please be patient with him etc etc. I am so stupid but this is so hard.

Edited May 11, 2021 by LShalcy