After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

This is just too hard and today it’s harder and it hurts so much more for some reason. I feel as if I need to tell him he needs to leave his wife or that’s it and if he says no he won’t, then at least I’ll know and I can start to move on. 
 

when I told him I needed to move on he said please don't etc etc and I foolishly have in and said, I’m still here aren’t I? And he said yea, and please be patient with him etc etc. I am so stupid but this is so hard.

I know it’s hard, the world as you knew it has changed in a week. 

But seriously, you need adapt. As with any threat to our wellbeing and safety, if we can’t adapt we suffer and die. 

My cancer analogy is not far from the truth - this man is a cancer in your life. He has entered your life and he will destroy you if you keep him around.

Right now, you think the hard part is letting him go. Keep this man around and the pain has only begun. The pain of wondering if he will/will not end his marriage. The pain of wondering every time he goes to work if he is really at work or spending the day in another woman’s bed. The pain of wondering every time he gets a text whether he is telling another woman how much he loves her. The pain of wondering if he is texting photos of your children, and whether he is telling the next woman to show her that he is a doting father to his own daughter and your children. The pain of wondering whether he has actually paid the bills like he said he would. It goes on and on...

This man is a con man. Like any good con man, he has preyed union your hopes and dreams - and he wants to continue to do that if you will allow it. It’s time to stop believing that this story has a happy ending because it doesn’t. Are you going to end it now and feel the pain? Or, are you going to let this man destroy you and your children even more than he has now, by allowing him to stay in your life and lie to you longer? You decide. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[Stupidkupid]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The problem with this is that even if he left her?

He's still a con man. You wouldn't have a happy relationship with someone this effed-up. 

Precisely!

[elaine567]

Where does he live?
Have you ever been to his place in 2 years?

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Where does he live?
Have you ever been to his place in 2 years?

 

On 5/5/2021 at 9:53 AM, Allupinnit said:

Also, had you never been to his house in two years?  Didn't you think that was weird??

 

On 5/5/2021 at 10:27 AM, LShalcy said:

Yes, I did but was able to make excuses for it in my head and he was able to make excuses for it so I just didn’t bring it up.

 

 

 

[Prudence V]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

when I told him I needed to move on he said please don't etc etc and I foolishly have in and said, I’m still here aren’t I? And he said yea, and please be patient with him etc etc. I am so stupid but this is so hard.

If you had just found out that his daily diet was puppy hearts and the blood of young children, would it still be so hard? This man thinks nothing of deceiving you for his own ends, and feels bad only because you found him out. “Please be patient” means “just calm down, your values don’t matter, I’ll talk you round to mine because I’m the only one whose needs matter here” - and chances are, you’ll agree with him. 
 

I cannot understand what is remotely attractive about such a scumbag. 

[lana-banana]

You need to try to forget this guy exists, not attempt to make him a different animal. He will never be someone who was honest with you. He will never be someone who respects his family. He will never be someone who built a happy and healthy relationship with you.

You cannot even entertain asking him to leave his wife. Not only would you have zero reason to believe anything he told you was true, but you'd waste even more years of your life (five? Ten?) as he wheedles about how she won't sign the papers, she's threatening to cut all custody, etc. Do you really want to waste even more than a second on someone who can't give all of themselves to you? How many more years of your one and precious life are you willing to throw away?

No wonder you feel so bad: every time he texts you, he shows how little he respects your intelligence and integrity. You have to demand better for yourself and that means cutting off the people who hurt you. Get rid of him. 

[LShalcy]

30 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

You cannot even entertain asking him to leave his wife. Not only would you have zero reason to believe anything he told you was true, but you'd waste even more years of your life (five? Ten?) as he wheedles about how she won't sign the papers, she's threatening to cut all custody, etc. Do you really want to waste even more than a second on someone who can't give all of themselves to you? How many more years of your one and precious life are you willing to throw away?

I know this makes me look weak & pathetic but I just don’t know what else to do. If everything he said was a lie then I won’t ever be able to trust anyone ever again. And right now, I don’t want anyone else. I’m so hurt. 

[lana-banana]

4 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know this makes me look weak & pathetic but I just don’t know what else to do. If everything he said was a lie then I won’t ever be able to trust anyone ever again. And right now, I don’t want anyone else. I’m so hurt. 

You don't have to want anyone else for however long. But you do have to accept that you've never had him in two years and even now you won't ever have him---and more importantly, he is not someone worth wanting, much less having. This man cannot give you anything positive, only more tears and heartbreak.

Maybe you won't trust people for a while. That's okay. You already have strength inside you even if you don't feel it! There is a part of you that knew something about this situation was wrong. That's the part that you need to nurture and hold fast to going forward.

You know what to do. Block him. It's over.

[Allupinnit]

OP were you guys anything more than casual?  Wait for him for what?  Had he ever even taken you on a real date or introduced you to friends?  

Just wondering honestly what's so hard to walk away from aside from a long term eff-buddy who said pretty words.  I think you're mourning what you THOUGHT you had, but now even upon reflection you probably realize he never treated you any better than a side piece.

I think you don't trust YOURSELF, ultimately.  You ignored your gut.  You're caught up in the unavailability of him, the need to win, and the withdrawal of limerence.  That is what you're feeling right now, why you can't concentrate and your kids and career are now falling apart around you.

This is not love.  You're having a chemical reaction to the shock.  

And sorry -  but a TEXT on Mother's Day when you know he got her flowers and they probably went to brunch or spent the day with friends/family?  Look forward to more of these horrid disappointments as you "be patient and wait" for this guy.  

 

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know this makes me look weak & pathetic but I just don’t know what else to do. If everything he said was a lie then I won’t ever be able to trust anyone ever again.

No, you won’t be able to trust anyone for a long time. And you shouldn’t - you should never trust this blindly and ignore your own instincts like this again. That said, this is where counselling becomes really important - you need to look at where you went wrong here, why you decided to ignore the red flags, and exactly what it means that you want to keep this man around. 

I don’t mean to be hurtful, but a woman with a healthy sense of self confidence and self respect would have ejected this man from her life and her children’s life the moment she discovered his deception. Further - she would have asked more questions and ejected him from her life at the first sign of trouble. You chose to ignore the warning signs previously, you are currently walking straight toward a virtual parade of red flags - will you heed them now? 

You really need to discover for yourself why you feel that you need this relationship so badly? Why did you ignore the warning signs? Why do you still feel that you can’t let go? Why are you choosing this man over your own children? Why are you choosing this man over you own mental health and well being?

There is nothing special about this man. He has clearly devasted you with his lies - if Bernie Madoff lied and took the wealth and financial security of all those families, would they then continue to give the man money? No! So, why are you even entertaining the idea of a relationship with this man. If he took your money, you would be filing criminal charges. 

This man took your trust. He took your kindness and your honesty and your love and used you, selfishly, for his own benefit. And what did he leave you - nothing. Two wasted years of your life. You may never trust or love a man in the same way again. 

It’s time to let him go. It’s time to book an appointment with a counsellor and begin the work of rebuilding your life. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for your children. They need a happy and healthy mother. They need not to be exposed to a man who is capable of this kind of deception and betrayal. 

[elaine567]

This is not even a guy who says sorry I didn't know how to tell you, but I am leaving my wife as of today and we can sort this out. I love you, I can make it right....
NO. he is pretending all is fine and that you should accept your role as his OW as long as he wants to keep you in it...
It is as if he assumed you were his OW anyway, and so nothing has really changed in his mind. All that love story stuff was just nonsense.

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is not even a guy who says sorry I didn't know how to tell you, but I am leaving my wife as of today and we can sort this out. I love you, I can make it right....
NO. he is pretending all is fine and that you should accept your role as his OW as long as he wants to keep you in it...
It is as if he assumed you were his OW anyway, and so nothing has really changed in his mind. All that love story stuff was just nonsense.

Based on his response, I too have actually wondered if he assumed you knew all along OP.
It makes no sense to me why he isn’t more remorseful and more apologetic. Either he truly doesn’t care, or he doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation and he is just hoping that if he continues on, you will again fall into line...
It’s like he knows that he has you, that he can behave atrociously and you won’t leave him. 
PROVE HIM WRONG!

Edited May 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Based on his response, I too have actually wondered if he assumed you knew all along OP.
It makes no sense to me why he isn’t more remorseful and more apologetic. Either he truly doesn’t care, or he doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation and he is just hoping that if he continues on, you will again fall into line...
It’s like he knows that he has you, that he can behave atrociously and you won’t leave him. 

He didn’t know that I knew because I specifically asked him several times if he was seeing or sleeping with other people and he told me no, he was not with anyone else and wanted to make sure I wasn’t either. He definitely told me he wasn’t having sex with anyone else 😒 & if I couldn’t see him he would say he would have to watch our videos to hold him over.

it’s like he just assumes I’m his girlfriend and everything is the same and nothing is going to change by the way he is talking.

I haven’t seen him since I found out but I know I need to and I know I will ☹️☹️ I know it’s only going to lead to more pain but at this point I don’t know what else to do. I’ve spent all day on this site reading and rereading and it’s a good thing my principal didn’t come in because I would have been in trouble for sure. I just can’t do my work right now, all I can think is what is he doing and why did he do this to me for so long? He took away any choice I had in the situation and made me fall for him when he knew he was lying. He didn’t let me decide whether or not I wanted to keep seeing him and he still hasn’t given any explanation he just said, anything he says will seem like an excuse and he didn’t know how to tell me because he can’t lose the connection.
 

This is just so unfair and I’m so lost. 

[lana-banana]

18 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I haven’t seen him since I found out but I know I need to and I know I will ☹️☹️ I know it’s only going to lead to more pain but at this point I don’t know what else to do.

DON'T SEE HIM. Block him and be done with it. You don't "need" to see him or have anything else to do with him any more.

People have told you over and over to block this guy and go and all you have done is insist you're as helpless as he seems to believe you are. It's not cute. You're a teacher, a mother, an adult woman. You have autonomy and self-determination; act like it.

With kindness, when you say "I have to engage in this harmful and damaging behavior, I don't know what else to do" you are becoming an active participant in your own suffering.

The truth is you DO know what else to do but you are determined not to do it. Why?

Edited May 11, 2021 by lana-banana

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

This is just so unfair

It is unfair. It’s a cruel and awful thing for one person to do to another. 

You need to move from the shock and denial phase, to the anger phase. Nurture your anger - it will help you to send this guy packing. 

5 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

With kindness, when you say "I have to engage in this harmful and damaging behavior, I don't know what else to do" you are becoming an active participant in your own suffering.

Exactly. Stay with this man and you become not a victim, but a volunteer. 

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

DON'T SEE HIM. Block him and be done with it. You don't "need" to see him or have anything else to do with him any more.

I agree. there is no reason whatsoever to see him ever again.

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know it’s only going to lead to more pain but at this point I don’t know what else to do.

Yes, you do. It’s a simple decision. To end the relationship. No more lies. I’m done. 

34 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

anything he says will seem like an excuse and he didn’t know how to tell me because he can’t lose the connection.

Correction, he doesn’t want to lose the connection. He enjoys knowing that you want him. He enjoys knowing that he has you right where he wants you. He enjoys exerting control over you. He doesn’t want to lose the sex. He wants to continue to play the game with you...

You are the one who can’t lose the connection, apparently. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I know this makes me look weak & pathetic but I just don’t know what else to do. If everything he said was a lie then I won’t ever be able to trust anyone ever again. And right now, I don’t want anyone else. I’m so hurt. 

You should not have trusted this guy so much to begin with, LShalcy. 

Your gut was telling you that something wasn't right. You can rely on your gut - she knows what's up, even when you heart doesn't want to hear it. 

I have asked a couple times, but are you sure you even know his real name? Do you know where he lives, and have you actually verified that?

[BaileyB]

OP, you want to read an interesting story, I suggest you read this one. 

This woman took in her daughter’s half sibling because the child’s mother formed a relationship with a man who was a pedophile. She was warned by social services, this man could not live in the same home as her teenage daughter. She was in such denial, she could not understand that her decision to bring this man into her home put her child at risk. In the end, she chose the man and she lost custody of her daughter. She still does not have custody of her daughter, because (if I remember correctly) when the case is reviewed she continues to deny the risk or do what is required to regain custody. 

Obviously, we have no evidence that your affair partner is a pedophile. I’m not saying that he is a pedophile. But, he has deceived you and betrayed your trust in a cruel and awful way for the past two years. This man is dishonest, untrustworthy, clearly - you do not know him at all. What does it say that you are considering keeping this man in your life, when you have two minor children in your care? Before you get defensive, I know you are a good parent. I know that you love your children. I’m not saying that you should or will lose custody of your children. I’m sharing this story because I see some parallels here. I see two women who chose men that had serious red flags. I see two women who chose/is attempting to ignore those red flags and stay with the man because felt that they did not have the strength or ability to let go. I see two women who chose/is attempting to live in denial, even after the reality/the gravity of the situation was made very obvious. This woman chose to put her daughter at risk and she lost custody of her child because she put her own needs ahead of her child. She could not accept the reality of the situation. She chose a man, over her own child. 

Please be stronger than this. Please use better judgment than this. 

It’s time to end this relationship. 
 

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[Stupidkupid]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

OP were you guys anything more than casual?  Wait for him for what?  Had he ever even taken you on a real date or introduced you to friends?  

Just wondering honestly what's so hard to walk away from aside from a long term eff-buddy who said pretty words.  I think you're mourning what you THOUGHT you had, but now even upon reflection you probably realize he never treated you any better than a side piece.

I think you don't trust YOURSELF, ultimately.  You ignored your gut.  You're caught up in the unavailability of him, the need to win, and the withdrawal of limerence.  That is what you're feeling right now, why you can't concentrate and your kids and career are now falling apart around you.

This is not love.  You're having a chemical reaction to the shock.  

@LShalcy I'd also like to understand this.

You don't share friends. You never went to his place. You gave never been on a vacation together.

I went on trips with my MM and I knew he was married. I cannot imagine what I might have thought had I not known and we didn't ever go away together and I never visites his home i two years. 

I can't get my head around why you would ignore such massive read flags. Essentially thia guy spent time with you at your place, had sex with you and left. I don't see the draw.

[Crazelnut]

It's been a full week since you found out, and you're still flailing around, trying to mentally bargain your way into continuing this relationship. Maybe it's time for some tough love here.

Now you know what a horrible person he really is. (Yes? Surely it's clear by now that a man who lies & cheats & uses his child as bait & has unprotected sex with 2 women is a horrible person?)  Stop acting like a passive participant in your own life! Stop giving HIM all the power. No, he doesn't love you. He loves the way he feels around you -- desired and naughty. 

 

It's time for you to make a decision -- are you going to perpetually be his side piece of ass and willingly inflict more pain on yourself? Are you going to compound 1 mistake by making more? Or are you going to rip off the bandaid and act in your own best interest?

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I know this makes me look weak & pathetic but I just don’t know what else to do. If everything he said was a lie then I won’t ever be able to trust anyone ever again. And right now, I don’t want anyone else. I’m so hurt. 

Time will heal this, it will just take a lot longer than you like. But with patience you'll heal eventually, just like if you broke your femur or similar.

[Prudence V]

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He didn’t let me decide whether or not I wanted to keep seeing him

Sorry @LShalcy but “he didn’t let you decide”? Do you need his permission to decide what to eat for breakfast, how much to love your kids or what to wear to work? You make decisions all the time, for yourself, your kids, your pupils... You can decide that someone who blatantly deceived you is not worthy of you, and is not worth the risk, and walk away *any time you choose*. You do not need his permission. 
 

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

it’s like he just assumes I’m his girlfriend and everything is the same and nothing is going to change

Unless he bought you as a slave, he doesn’t get to make that call. You do. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I haven’t seen him since I found 

Excellent.

Is that because you want to end it or because he wants to end it?

Or because now he's blown his cover and is afraid the wife will find out?

Your best recourse is to inform his wife. That will set the record straight as well as end the affair.

This way, he'll have to deal with his cheating and you'll be free to date decent single men.

Instead of he's free and you're stuck with a lying snake 🐍

[d0nnivain]

18 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He didn’t know that I knew because I specifically asked him several times if he was seeing or sleeping with other people and he told me no, he was not with anyone else and wanted to make sure I wasn’t either. He definitely told me he wasn’t having sex with anyone else 😒 & if I couldn’t see him he would say he would have to watch our videos to hold him over.

it’s like he just assumes I’m his girlfriend and everything is the same and nothing is going to change by the way he is talking.

I haven’t seen him since I found out but I know I need to and I know I will ☹️☹️ I know it’s only going to lead to more pain but at this point I don’t know what else to do. I’ve spent all day on this site reading and rereading and it’s a good thing my principal didn’t come in because I would have been in trouble for sure. I just can’t do my work right now, all I can think is what is he doing and why did he do this to me for so long? He took away any choice I had in the situation and made me fall for him when he knew he was lying. He didn’t let me decide whether or not I wanted to keep seeing him and he still hasn’t given any explanation he just said, anything he says will seem like an excuse and he didn’t know how to tell me because he can’t lose the connection.
 

This is just so unfair and I’m so lost. 

You have a choice.  You can cut him off.  You know seeing him will cause more pain.  You know he lied to you for 2 years & is now minimizing those lies.  He doesn't care that he took away your choices & is causing you all this pain & doubt.  Bottom line he never cared about you. 

Be strong.  Kick him to the curb.