After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[d0nnivain]

18 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He didn’t know that I knew because I specifically asked him several times if he was seeing or sleeping with other people and he told me no, he was not with anyone else and wanted to make sure I wasn’t either. He definitely told me he wasn’t having sex with anyone else 😒 & if I couldn’t see him he would say he would have to watch our videos to hold him over.

it’s like he just assumes I’m his girlfriend and everything is the same and nothing is going to change by the way he is talking.

I haven’t seen him since I found out but I know I need to and I know I will ☹️☹️ I know it’s only going to lead to more pain but at this point I don’t know what else to do. I’ve spent all day on this site reading and rereading and it’s a good thing my principal didn’t come in because I would have been in trouble for sure. I just can’t do my work right now, all I can think is what is he doing and why did he do this to me for so long? He took away any choice I had in the situation and made me fall for him when he knew he was lying. He didn’t let me decide whether or not I wanted to keep seeing him and he still hasn’t given any explanation he just said, anything he says will seem like an excuse and he didn’t know how to tell me because he can’t lose the connection.
 

This is just so unfair and I’m so lost. 

You have a choice.  You can cut him off.  You know seeing him will cause more pain.  You know he lied to you for 2 years & is now minimizing those lies.  He doesn't care that he took away your choices & is causing you all this pain & doubt.  Bottom line he never cared about you. 

Be strong.  Kick him to the curb.  

[S2B]

He’s never going to leave his wife. 
 

he mainly wants both! If YOU don’t intend to be his Other Woman and a secret - stop seeing him! You don’t need to tell him ANYTHING! Actions show intent. Don’t see him EVER again!

he’s been using you - but you have allowed it since finding out what’s real - end it!

[Allupinnit]

@LShalcy - did you end up seeing him and getting closure?  

[LShalcy]

6 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

@LShalcy - did you end up seeing him and getting closure?  

Hi, no I’m supposed to see him tomorrow.
 

But this week he has been sending me more pictures of him at work as if to prove he’s there and wanting me to send him more pictures. I asked him if he wanted me only for himself, he said yes and the same for him & I told him I’m not sharing and he said, ok, he will give me 100%. I guess I’ll see what happens. 

 

Edited May 15, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I asked him if he wanted me only for himself, he said yes and the same for him & I told him I’m not sharing and he said, ok, he will give me 100%. I guess I’ll see what happens. 

If you invested with Bernie Madoff, and he lied to you and lost all your money... would you give him more money? 

How in the world is he going to give you 100% if he is married to another woman. And if his answer is - “I’m going to leave her and be with you...” see my statement above. Is this a good investment, someone that you should trust? 

I’m sorry, I really want to support you... but, “I’ll see what happens” is a rather ridiculous statement to make given the deception and the betrayal here. The fact that you are even entertaining the thought of this man after all he has done is incomprehensible to me. You really need to think about why you are so desperate to keep a man in your life who has lied to you and betrayed your trust in this way. At this point, you can’t claim that you are still in shock. You can’t say that you didn’t make an informed decision. I really hope you reconsider - if not for yourself, for your children. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

^^^ That said, I don’t believe there is anything anyone can say or do to dissuade you at this point. You seem determined to proceed. The question becomes - at what cost and how much more damage is this man going to do? 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I asked him if he wanted me only for himself, he said yes and the same for him & I told him I’m not sharing and he said, ok, he will give me 100%. I guess I’ll see what happens. 

No, at this point, you can’t claim ignorance.
You are asking another woman’s husband to give you 100% and frankly, you don’t have the right to do that.

[S2B]

Why can’t you wait until his divorce is final to see him again?

you told him what you need. There isn’t one reason to see him until he gets his divorce finalized.

He’s got NO reason to divorce when you are willing to continue seeing him while he’s married. None at all.

and you make your boundary look foolish when your words don’t match the actions.

if you expect him to get divorced then don’t see him until he is divorced. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, S2B said:

you told him what you need. There isn’t one reason to see him until he gets his divorce finalized.

He hasn’t even uttered the word, that she has shared here.
He hasn’t even offered... which is why I don’t understand how he can say that he will give her 100%. Leaving his marriage has never been offered or discussed. And if it is, if that is her request tomorrow, I would suggest that this is not a good plan - who wants to be saddled with a man who can carry on a secret life for two years...

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 I told him I’m not sharing and he said, ok, he will give me 100%. I guess I’ll see what happens. 

What will happen is a world of pain for you. 

What you're not yet grasping is just how messed-up this individual is. How do you expect to have a decent relationship with someone who is capable of this sort of deception? Someone who is this manipulative, and disrespectful to the women in his life? To his own child? You would be very foolish to believe that's limited to just this situation with him. He's showing you some serious and deep character flaws that are not just situational. It takes a special breed of cold and callous to pull this off. 

This has just about zero chance of working out well. You need to wake up and start making better choices now that you know what kind of bottom-feeder he is. If you ignore that, well, you will have nobody to blame but yourself when it all comes crashing down. And believe me, it will. 

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What you're not yet grasping is just how messed-up this individual is.

Yes, you are just so relieved you don't have to break up with him.
You can justify continuing yo see him. 
He is saying all the right things.

BUT this is a guy who lied to you for 2 whole years...
You are a fool to believe him.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 I asked him if he wanted me only for himself, he said yes.

I told him I’m not sharing and he said, ok, he will give me 100%.

Wait. Does that even make sense when he's in a marriage living an entire family life without you and that he's hidden?

100% is not being married to someone else.

[lana-banana]

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Hi, no I’m supposed to see him tomorrow.
 

But this week he has been sending me more pictures of him at work as if to prove he’s there and wanting me to send him more pictures. I asked him if he wanted me only for himself, he said yes and the same for him & I told him I’m not sharing and he said, ok, he will give me 100%. I guess I’ll see what happens. 

1) Why would you care about pictures (which are also not proof of anything; they can be taken anywhere at any time)?

2) Are YOU sending "pictures" to him? How much of your relationship involves sending "pictures" back and forth?

3) Why are you choosing to be complicit in an affair? Why are you making a choice to hurt an innocent wife and mother? 

4) Why was your reaction to ask whether HE fully wanted YOU? This guy makes you his mistress for two years and your reaction is to need his validation even more. Do you understand that's totally backwards, and shows how low your self-esteem is?

5) You cannot have him 100%, ever. You never have and never will. But more importantly---and it's far more worrying that you don't see this---is this is not a man worth having, in any form. He is not simply a liar and a con man, but he treats you like a (sorry to be frank) imbecile. The biggest question here is why you still want anything at all to do with someone who has treated you AND his wife so badly. It's like you bought what you thought was a car, but it turned out to be two busted motorcycles taped together, and instead of saying "wow, this isn't at all what I thought it was and it doesn't serve my purposes so I'll get rid of it" you are insisting to us and the world that it's really a car.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Why are you choosing to be complicit in an affair? Why are you making a choice to hurt an innocent wife and mother?

The pain that you have felt these past two weeks OP - the pain of betrayal, knowing that he kept your truth from you - IF you chose to stay to this man, YOU will now be inflicting this pain on another woman. Whether she knows it or not, YOU will be complicit in causing the very same pain that you have felt these past two weeks on another human being. How you could even consider that, is difficult to understand...

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The pain that you have felt these past two weeks OP - the pain of betrayal, knowing that he kept your truth from you - IF you chose to stay to this man, YOU will now be inflicting this pain on another woman. Whether she knows it or not, YOU will be complicit in causing the very same pain that you have felt these past two weeks on another human being. How you could even consider that, is difficult to understand...

And even if he does run to you, which I guess he won't, you will never be free of his wife and child. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, lana-banana said:

Why was your reaction to ask whether HE fully wanted YOU? This guy makes you his mistress for two years and your reaction is to need his validation even more. Do you understand that's totally backwards, and shows how low your self-esteem is?

That’s the thing - she is asking a man *that no other woman would want* to chose her. What does that say about her self esteem, that she would be begging a man who has lied and deceived her for two years to chose her?

Never mind the fact that what you are asking and he is telling you is pure delusion. He doesn’t have the ability to chose you, OP. He can not commit to you because he already has a wife! There is only one position available and if you chose to stay in that position, to quote my niece - “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

IF you decide to stay with this man, you will need to share him. There is no other option, unless he was to get divorced. And even then, you will share him with his ex wife and his child. You may even have to share him with the next woman he decides to keep on the side. Seriously, why do you not understand that you do not want this man! Who wants to live the rest of their lives wondering what other woman he is sending photos to at work? It is absolutely foolish to trust a man that you know to be capable of this kind of deceit. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Stupidkupid]

This whole thing blows my mind but that you still want to be with him after all the lying is probably the worst part for me.

How could you ever trust him or rely on him?

[mark clemson]

I gave parallel advice to the below to a recent poster, and I'm happy to suggest it to you as well:

 

Do a little research on the brain chemistry of breakups and try to gain some perspective and self-awareness about what's driving this "need" to have him back.

https://www.insider.com/why-do-breakups-hurt-so-much-2019-2

You may miss "him" but if you are honest and fully rational with yourself you will realize that there is no way this can possibly be a good, healthy relationship for you. Ending it completely and moving on may hurt more in the short term, but in the LT (I'm sure you realize with "the thinking part of your brain" that) you will be MUCH better off with a BF who is "fully" yours instead of this guy.

[BaileyB]

Did you meet him today? 

[LShalcy]

There is a lot of judgement on this board when, from what I can gather, some of you have also been with married men/women in the past. and, also it’s important to remember that I didn’t knowingly get into this - he led me to believe he was single this entire time. 
 

Yes, of course I am devastated that he has lied to me for so long, but he couldn’t have been faking everything. And yes,  I know there is, in some way, a wife there, but I am so far removed from even thinking about her and their relationship and I’m sorry, but I’m not that concerned about her feelings. I don’t really care about them, to be honest.
 

No, I didn’t meet him tonight because I have read all the replies to this post and have taken them to heart even when I may not like them. Also, I just wanted to see what would happen if I canceled on him because I have only ever done it once or twice before. He sent me a bunch of messages and calls asking where I was, what was going on etc etc. i said I just needed time to think when in reality I wish I had gone to see him.  But I made sure I was busy all day, taking my kids to the mall, playing outside with the dog etc etc. so I wouldn’t have to think about it. 

yes, I know this is a messed up situation, but every relationship is different, and I really do believe that we have something there. It may not have started the right way, but I don’t want to end it with him and at this point, I probably won’t. I just want to have the conversation with him in person rather than over a text or a phone call. If, after that, he doesn’t tell me he’s leaving her, then I’ll have to move on.

Edited May 16, 2021 by LShalcy

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Yes, of course I am devastated that he has lied to me for so long, but he couldn’t have been faking everything. And yes,  I know there is, in some way, a wife there, but I am so far removed from even thinking about her and their relationship and I’m sorry, but I’m not that concerned about her feelings. I don’t really care about them, to be honest.

Well, then I would no longer expect anyone to care about yours, either. Including him. 

No, you didn''t know the truth before. He lied. That is awful and people rightly felt bad for yo.u. But now? You know what's up. And you're choosing to stay involved. Better dry those tears and quit your belly-aching. You are going to find that people around you won't much care to listen to you complain about him or cry about your pain when you are now actively using poor judgment and deluding yourself. 

If you thought some were judging you before when you were not behaving badly, girl, you need to brace yourself now. Get ready. You are not going to enjoy the ride. 

 

Edited May 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 I didn’t knowingly get into this - he led me to believe he was single this entire time. 

 I made sure I was busy all day, taking my kids to the mall, playing outside with the dog etc etc. so I wouldn’t have to think about it. 

Good point. It's about a 2 year deception rather than chasing married men.

You're also correct that his wife/marriage is his problem not yours.

You wish to continue but think about it.

All this time you've had a relationship with someone you don't know.

So you've invested in one situation, but find yourself in another because of his duplicity.

In time you'll start to wonder if anything about him is real or true. 

When that time comes you'll be ready to let go.

 

[Stupidkupid]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

There is a lot of judgement on this board when, from what I can gather, some of you have also been with married men/women in the past. and, also it’s important to remember that I didn’t knowingly get into this - he led me to believe he was single this entire time. 
 

Yes, of course I am devastated that he has lied to me for so long, but he couldn’t have been faking everything. And yes,  I know there is, in some way, a wife there, but I am so far removed from even thinking about her and their relationship and I’m sorry, but I’m not that concerned about her feelings. I don’t really care about them, to be honest.
 

No, I didn’t meet him tonight because I have read all the replies to this post and have taken them to heart even when I may not like them. Also, I just wanted to see what would happen if I canceled on him because I have only ever done it once or twice before. He sent me a bunch of messages and calls asking where I was, what was going on etc etc. i said I just needed time to think when in reality I wish I had gone to see him.  But I made sure I was busy all day, taking my kids to the mall, playing outside with the dog etc etc. so I wouldn’t have to think about it. 

yes, I know this is a messed up situation, but every relationship is different, and I really do believe that we have something there. It may not have started the right way, but I don’t want to end it with him and at this point, I probably won’t. I just want to have the conversation with him in person rather than over a text or a phone call. If, after that, he doesn’t tell me he’s leaving her, then I’ll have to move on.

Then more fool you. 

And that you don't care about his wife, a completely innocent party, speaks volumes for your character.

Lots of OW here but very few of them have ever said that.

Edited May 16, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[lana-banana]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

it’s important to remember that I didn’t knowingly get into this - he led me to believe he was single this entire time. 
 

Yes, of course I am devastated that he has lied to me for so long, but he couldn’t have been faking everything. And yes,  I know there is, in some way, a wife there, but I am so far removed from even thinking about her and their relationship and I’m sorry, but I’m not that concerned about her feelings

1: That's right, you DIDN'T know he was married. No one blames you for being lied to. But you know now, and therefore the situation is different. Knowingly carrying on with this awful situation makes you complicit in hurting yourself and his family.

2: "But he couldn't have been faling everything"? You have no idea what was and wasn't fake. The only thing you know for sure is that he has lied to you about his entire life for two years. Does he care about you on some level? Probably. Does that make it okay, excuse what he did, or make him any more of a fit partner? Not at all.

3: "I know there is, in some way, a wife there..." Wake up! She is not "a wife" "in some way"; she is legally HIS WIFE, the mother of his child. She is a living and breathing person who didn't deserve any of this, and who he is ultimately accountable to. I understand not wanting to focus on her and her feelings, but you seem very much in denial about this. You are not his wife or the leading woman in his life. You have never had him in any meaningful way and you never will. He's not capable of that.

What you really need to do is try to answer why you want to carry on with someone who treated you so poorly, who is so evidently a bad partner. Why do you want to keep going? You have been hurt so badly already. Why do you want to guarantee more of that pain for yourself?

Edited May 16, 2021 by lana-banana

[RebeccaR]

I am going to deviate from some of the other comments in that it’s not necessarily helpful to paint the MM as a liar and predator. Many MMs, while hardly perfect people, are floundering just as much as the OW. Maybe they didn’t mean to cheat, although their bad choices certainly caused them to. But telling every OW “why do you want to be with that liar” doesn’t help clear the fog. Telling her he’s just a predator who wants sex is at odds with her experience. I believe many affair couples do have genuine caring and maybe actual love (of some sort) underpinning the relationship. The problem is not that their relationship began with lies (though that is certainly a huge problem that will need to be addressed) - the problem is that he is still married and intends to remain married. And in the vast majority of cases, he intends to remain married, even if he’s happy to indulge in future faking because it feels good to him.

Ultimately I do agree with the advice to break up the affair until he is fully divorced. Nothing says a guy truly wants you like getting a divorce.