After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Crazelnut]

LShalcy, you think people are being mean to you, but honestly, we are trying to save you from a whole lot of pain. We have been there. I have been there. Being the OW may seem exciting at first, but it becomes a soul-crushing, painful existence.  He will go home to his wife, he will spend holidays with her, and you will spend your precious life waiting on him to throw you a few breadcrumbs of attention. He won't leave his wife. He has no incentive -- he  knows you will stay in the role of OW.

I have to ask you -- why do you want to be with a man who consciously and intentionally deceived you for 2 years? Who cared/cares only for his desires, regardless of the impact to you? Why do you still want a man that selfish? He's awful!

[d0nnivain]

On 5/16/2021 at 12:14 AM, LShalcy said:

 And yes,  I know there is, in some way, a wife there, but I am so far removed from even thinking about her and their relationship and I’m sorry, but I’m not that concerned about her feelings. I don’t really care about them, to be honest.
* * * 

, I know this is a messed up situation, but every relationship is different, and I really do believe that we have something there. It may not have started the right way, but I don’t want to end it with him and at this point, I probably won’t. 

The above is where you lose people. 

Willful ignorance or not, when you didn't know that he was married, you weren't a cheater.  He lied to you.  But now when you dismiss the idea of his wife & act like you want to fight for him, claiming what you had was real when it was built on a lie for all these years, that is when you move from innocent victim who got played by the bad guy cheater to Homewrecker.  Your failure to be outraged enough at how he LIED to you for 2 YEARS & dump his sorry cheating butt for that irredeemable sin now makes you complicit  

People are questioning your character because no one sympathizes with the position you have chosen to stake out & the fact that you seem willing to carry on with this guy while he minimizes the weight of what he's done makes you seem almost as unethical as he is.  His wife is also a victim here.  Your refusal to even try to put yourself in her shoes, knowing the man broke the vows he took with her, makes you seem heartless.  You probably aren't.  You are probably in so much pain you have nothing left to grieve for someone else but understand this, because he cheated WITH  you, even if he divorces her to marry you, he will eventually cheat ON you.  This man has no integrity.  If you have any integrity, you need to get rid of him.  

[elaine567]

I believe LShalcy is lashing out because she is just so angry, about the situation she finds herself in. Frankly it is horrendous.
Her anger cannot be directed at the guy she loves and wants, so she directs her anger onto his wife, his child and anyone else who is getting in the way of a happy ending including posters on here.
Here she wanted sympathy,
She wanted posters to be on her side to say "There there. Of course he loves you. He will be yours. He will choose you. His wife should just bow out.
You deserve a happy ending... He is a good man..."
BUT that was fantasy thinking and the posters here do not buy any of it...
The purpose of the forum is not to pat people on the back, or to bash then,  but to use collective experience to try to give good sensible advice with the intention to avoid future heart ache.
Whish in essence is what has happened here.
Frustrated by the  responses, LShalcy has chosen to go on the defensive, which is maybe not surprising considering the huge shock she has suffered.
She wants  to return to "normal" where everything was hunky dory, but that is not possible as no doubt she will soon find out. 

[LShalcy]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

I believe LShalcy is lashing out because she is just so angry, about the situation she finds herself in. Frankly it is horrendous.
Her anger cannot be directed at the guy she loves and wants, so she directs her anger onto his wife, his child and anyone else who is getting in the way of a happy ending including posters on here.
Here she wanted sympathy,
She wanted posters to be on her side to say "There there. Of course he loves you. He will be yours. He will choose you. His wife should just bow out.
You deserve a happy ending... He is a good man..."
BUT that was fantasy thinking and the posters here do not buy any of it...

 

Yes I am just so, so, so angry and so lost everything does seem to be falling apart because I have been neglecting everything because of how I feel. I have been drinking more this weekend to try to find some peace of mind and when I tell him I’m so mad and so hurt he tells me that everything is the same, he is so happy whenever he is with me; please don’t go out with anyone else etc etc so it makes me feel like maybe I can just pretend everything is how it was before but it’s not. I didn’t answer him for a day and he sent me a bunch of texts and pictures asking what was wrong so I had to respond and the whole cycle started again. 

 

I’m sorry if anyone felt I was rude to them; it’s just, I know that this wasn’t only a sexual thing for either of us - you don’t develop a relationship just over sex and you wouldn’t spend two years talking and getting to know someone if it was only sex - I’ve had things like that in the past and this was in no way that. So for people to just assume there can be so feelings there makes me question everything and then since he’s acting like nothings wrong when I know it is- it’s so hard.

 

I have been trying to muster up some sympathy and/or empathy for the wife and I’m sorry I just can’t do it right now. All I feel is this intense rage and this anger that just overwhelms me at times. 

Again, I’m sorry if I came across as rude or uncaring. 

[Acacia98]

On 5/16/2021 at 7:14 AM, LShalcy said:

yes, I know this is a messed up situation, but every relationship is different, and I really do believe that we have something there. It may not have started the right way, but I don’t want to end it with him and at this point, I probably won’t. I just want to have the conversation with him in person rather than over a text or a phone call. If, after that, he doesn’t tell me he’s leaving her, then I’ll have to move on.

@LShalcy, I think what may be missing in your situation is the belief that, deep down inside, you deserve better or can do better.

Do listen to what folks are saying here, even if you dont particularly like it. Beyond that, I think you would probably benefit from counselling. There are reasons why you believe this is your only chance at love. And I think those reasons precede your relationship with this guy. You owe it to yourself and your kids to take the time to figure out what your deep-rooted fears and anxieties are and to try to address them in healthy ways. That's really what is about, you know? What you're doing with this guy is a symptom of the larger issues.

-----

Also: please block this guy. That he continues to bombard you with messages and whatnot is one of the reasons why you are so angry and cant think clearly. Tell him you need a break from all of this and you will contact him when you're ready to talk. Also tell him that if he genuinely loves you, he will respect your boundaries. Then block him.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Acacia98

[BaileyB]

You clearly developed feeling for the man. You thought this was a legit relationship, you were likely expecting that it had potential to progress - it must hurt like hell to realize that this isn’t the case. It must make you question everything because you believed...

What he felt, we do not know. What we do know, this is not a loving or respectful thing to do to another person (it’s also not a loving or respectful thing to do to his wife). This is a selfish action, and as such, it makes people question the validity of his feelings. He clearly cares more about himself than he cares about either you or his wife. If that was not true, he would not have done what he did. 

Quite simply, the only way that you will find peace of mind is to let this man go. And even then, it will take time and counselling. How can you find peace of mind when you KNOW that things will never be the same - you can quite simply never go back to the time when you believed or trusted this man again - and he is telling you that everything is the same, you can just continue along. That is irrational. You will begin to heal from this experience when you let him go...

[lana-banana]

15 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

when I tell him I’m so mad and so hurt he tells me that everything is the same, he is so happy whenever he is with me; please don’t go out with anyone else etc etc

This tells you everything you need to know: about what his feelings truly are, what he wants from your "relationship", what kind of a man he truly is. He's not going to leave his wife, he's not going to give up everything (or even anything!) for you. He's not even sorry about it! He just wants to go back to the arrangement you had before you found out. He wants you to pretend like nothing is different because that's working just fine for him. You have no future with this man. You don't have ANYthing with this man. You have a strange association with a guy who wants you to keep being a side piece.

I didn't bring this up earlier because you were still in the shock phase, and I didn't think it would be helpful at that point, but you have really got to be realistic about what this situation is and why you ignored so many red flags. ExpatInItaly addressed it best here. You are clearly quite sensitive about this aspect of things---you haven't answered anyone's questions about it, but it is in the very first line of your very first post. You know that there were so many things wrong with this situation, but you went ahead anyway for two entire years. You need to sit down and think about why that is, what it is in you that made you want to believe this so badly. I would strongly recommend addressing this with a professional because that is an egregious lapse in judgment. In certain circumstances, your ability to make sound decisions is compromised. Can you admit that about yourself?

I know you say it wasn't just about sex, and maybe he indeed enjoyed the emotional rush of infatuation and excitement and all, but at the end of the day this was not a conventional relationship by any means. He didn't treat you like a girlfriend or a lover. This wasn't two people who met at the wrong time. He was a married man trolling for side action on a dating site. There is nothing in the universe that can change that basic fact. What will it take for you to kick him out of your life?

Edited May 17, 2021 by lana-banana

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

This tells you everything you need to know: about what his feelings truly are, what he wants from your "relationship", what kind of a man he truly is. He's not going to leave his wife, he's not going to give up everything (or even anything!) for you. He's not even sorry about it! He just wants to go back to the arrangement you had before you found out. He wants you to pretend like nothing is different because that's working just fine for him. You have no future with this man. You don't have ANYthing with this man. You have a strange association with a guy who wants you to keep being a side piece.

This is very true. I would add - he also doesn’t want you to see anyone else. He is not prepared to leave his wife, but you are not allowed to date anyone else. He is not faithful to you, but you are expected to be faithful to him. He has other options, you are not allowed any other options. He took your options, you ability to make another decision from you for two years when he kept the truth from you. He is STILL attempting to control and limit your options. 

It says a lot when a married man feels that he is entitled to another relationship but the OW - she is not allowed to date anyone else. She must be faithful to him, even though he does not offer the same consideration to her. Arrogant. Entitled. Controlling. Manipulative. These words come to mind to describe such a request. 

5 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

You know that there were so many things wrong with this situation, but you went ahead anyway for two entire years. You need to sit down and think about why that is, what it is in you that made you want to believe this so badly. I would strongly recommend addressing this with a professional because that is an egregious lapse in judgment. In certain circumstances, your ability to make sound decisions is compromised.

Also agree Lana. It is part of the reason why I am concerned for her now, because I see her wanting to continue to do the same. He is telling her to ignore the reality, to ignore her better judgment and her intuition. She has done just that for two years and I feel her fighting with herself - she can’t ignore the reality but she wants so badly to put those blinders back and continue with this man as if like nothing has changed. As you have learned OP, ignore the truth at your own peril. 

It is certainly a topic for discussion with a counsellor. Why were you so intent on this relationship that you chose to ignore the warning signs for so long? And, why do you need this relationship so badly that you would even consider staying with this man after he has behaved so egregiously?

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

All I feel is this intense rage and this anger that just overwhelms me at times. 

I just wanted to say LShalcy, your anger is justified. It is necessary. 

I believe that it overwhelms you. I also believe that you don’t know how to deal with it or where to direct it right now. It’s safer to direct the anger you feel to his wife or the posters on this board. You are not yet ready to truly direct this anger toward the source of the pain, the man who has lied to you. In time, you may even direct the anger toward yourself - because you failed to heed the warning signs. 

You don’t hurt anyone here when you vent your anger on the board. We understand that this is part of your process. When this passes, on the other side of this anger, there is going to be a whole lot of hurt and a whole lot of sadness. On the other side of this anger is the beginning of acceptance. We will be here for you when you need us, even if it may not feel that way now. 

 

Edited May 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It is certainly a topic for discussion with a counsellor. Why were you so intent on this relationship that you chose to ignore the warning signs for so long? And, why do you need this relationship so badly that you would even consider staying with this man after he has behaved so egregiously?

This is where I would focus, OP. 

You ignored your gut for quite a while, it seems. You ignored the red flags. 

Why is that, do you suppose? 

[usa1ah]

Why do you hate a woman that has done nothing to you. Your anger should be focused on the one that lied and betrayed you. 

[RebeccaR]

28 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

Why do you hate a woman that has done nothing to you.

Two reasons why the OW (in general) hates the BS:

1. Jealousy (the obvious reason) -  this woman has what she wants 

2. The OW convinces herself that if the wife treated the MM right, he wouldn’t look elsewhere. The BS is a deficient partner at best, a witch at worst, and is mean to the man the OW loves, therefore deserving of hate

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Two reasons why the OW (in general) hates the BS:

1. Jealousy (the obvious reason) -  this woman has what she wants 

2. The OW convinces herself that if the wife treated the MM right, he wouldn’t look elsewhere. The BS is a deficient partner at best, a witch at worst, and is mean to the man the OW loves, therefore deserving of hate

I don’t disagree. 

I think she has not made the shift yet - she still sees this man as a romantic partner, she still wants him to be her romantic partner, and as such... she can not be truly angry with him. But, the anger has to go somewhere... so, she directs it to the woman who is also an innocent victim. 

OP can’t even consider at this point the idea that the wife is also a victim - the hurt and the anger are so all consuming, she can not think outside of her own experience yet. But someday, she will. At this point, to consider that the wife is not somehow “the problem” here would mean that the man she loves is the problem. She is not ready to accept that yet. And, she is certainly not ready to even begin to look inward and examine what it means that she has chosen a man capable of this kind of duplicity. 

Directing her anger toward the wife is another form of denial, something that she has done throughout the relationship (by ignoring the warning signs). It is something she wants even more desperately to do now. If she hates the wife, then he can still be the man she loved. She doesn’t have to deal with the hard reality - that he is actually the source of her pain, not his wife. 

Edited May 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[vla1120]

@LShalcy I just finished reading the entire thread. My heart sincerely goes out to you. Rather than talk to you about this situation and how you should or should not be handling this man moving forward, I'd like to take the focus off him, put the focus on you, and bring a few things to your attention. 

1. You are a teacher. You mold young minds. You've admitted that your job/career has taken a hit because of this situation. You must compartmentalize this when you are at work and concentrate on the molding of young minds. I do not know what grade level you teach, but since I work at a public school, I DO know how caring and protective teachers become toward their students. I want you to think about how you would guide one of your students in any life's situation where they had been so horribly betrayed to this degree by someone they trusted. Then, I want you to understand that YOU are just as worthy of this same nurturing advice that you would give to one of these children you care about.

2. You say that you have no close friends and no one to talk to. How long have you worked at this school? I have found that teachers bond with one another and become very much like family - protective of each other - defending each other to the ends of the earth. If I were to go to work today and tell my co-workers someone had done to me what this man did to you, they would take pitchforks and descend upon his house. What has kept you from bonding with your fellow teachers? I'd like to see you take advantage of forming some healthy friendly relationships at work among your fellow teachers. Instead of obsessing over him, ask a co-worker or two to do something after work. It doesn't have to be getting a drink. It could be dinner, a walk in the park, a play date with your kids, whatever. Start surrounding yourself with people who will be GOOD for you.

3. You need self-care and it needs to be a number one priority (for you AND your children.) Please find a therapist who can help you navigate this situation. Also, my kids are all grown now, but when life got difficult for me and I felt out of control, not sure what to do how how to handle life, my mantra was always "What is the best decision is in the best interest of my children?" Then, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and did whatever was necessary to provide a safe, nurturing home and life for them because that (in my opinion) has always been my my most important purpose in life.

I would love to tell you to BLOCK him and stick to your guns about NO CONTACT, but I don't think you're at that place yet. You WOULD be, if you valued yourself a bit more, and I'm hoping maybe taking some of the steps above to find more healthy ways to spend your time (and especially talking to a therapist) will LEAD you to a point in your life where you will wonder how you could have even spent 5 minutes grieving the loss of a relationship with this man because you will come to the realization this you are worth more. You deserve more and your children deserve a mom who is content and engaged with THEM. Your students deserve a teacher who is content and engaged with THEM. Please do this for yourself. ❤️

I just want to add that I feel like you were the perfect victim for this man. You were isolated and it made it easy for him to "control" you and/or your emotions. You have no close friends/family to turn to who would have been telling you to look at and pay attention to all the red flags for the past two years. 

In closing, this man has videos of you that could be very detrimental to your career. Right now, you are the victim in this circumstance because, until recently, you were unaware he was married and so you could have an actionable legal complaint if he tries to use these videos to control you. However, if you knowingly continue to engage in communication and a relationship with this man having knowledge that he is a married man, you're jeopardizing your career, not to mention your well-being. (I know I said I would not focus on him, but these videos are alarming to me, given the propensity for revenge porn being posted on any number of sites. Was your face in these videos?)

Edited May 17, 2021 by vla1120

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

LOL. Maybe not the purpose, but I myself was compared to Saddam Hussein by a poster here. Also called a "lightweight" (I believe in an attempt to insult my intelligence) and accused of online bullying in a conversation where I was sticking strictly to facts. And probably lots of other stuff that I have since forgotten.

But I digress. Please return to your regular discussions.

Microcosm of real life...except that perhaps people use less of a filter for their thoughts when hiding behind a screen. 🤷

Alas, the knife cuts both ways.

[d0nnivain]

Rage & frustration we get.  Just direct it at the right person:  HIM.  Of course nothing has changed for him.  You are still the same woman he's been cheating with & lying to all this time. For you this is all new information & you are trying to process it.  You are hurt & your world is upside down.  It doesn't help that he's going on about things staying the same.  

When you are feeling stronger & the true betrayal sinks in, you will do the right thing & kick him to the curb.  

[LShalcy]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is very true. I would add - he also doesn’t want you to see anyone else. He is not prepared to leave his wife, but you are not allowed to date anyone else. He is not faithful to you, but you are expected to be faithful to him. He has other options, you are not allowed any other options. He took your options, you ability to make another decision from you for two years when he kept the truth from you. He is STILL attempting to control and limit your options. 

It says a lot when a married man feels that he is entitled to another relationship but the OW - she is not allowed to date anyone else. She must be faithful to him, even though he does not offer the same consideration to her. Arrogant. Entitled. Controlling. Manipulative. These words come to mind to describe such a request. 

This has been another horrible, useless day. It is getting harder everyday, not easier like I would have thought.  My report cards are overdue because I haven’t been able to finish the grading and I didn’t even bring the work home with me because I knew it wouldn’t get done, which means I will probably get an email about it tomorrow. 

I spent the entire weekend telling him I was not waiting around for him anymore and asking what it would be like if we could see each other everyday and if he didn’t have a wife,  and he said he would love that and he is trying to work things out but he hates it when I say I’m going to see other people & I have waited for him before, why can’t I wait for him now? 
 

He is trying to manipulate me, I know, because he is saying everything and anything to keep me attached to him because he knows he has me. I directly told him that if he didn't have a wife, it would so much easier and he said yes he knows and repeated that he is trying to work things out and just be patient (again).

I am saying all the wrong things and giving him all the control again. I don’t know why I feel as if I need him after this, I just feel that I do. I know he is manipulating me, and I know he has lied to me but  can’t explain this. I also know that yes, I do have horrible lapses in judgement and I always have, especially when it comes to men, I put myself in horrible situations that could have ended very terribly, but this is the first time anything like this has happened to me and I thought he was different which makes it worse. 
 

yes, he has a lot of both compromising videos and pictures of me and yes my face is in them but I don’t think he would do anything with them and also there would be no way to get them because they are on his phone. 
 

I don’t know what help a counselor would give me at this point; but I am just useless and helpless right now. I’m sorry to  bore everyone with this again, but I can’t talk to anyone about it and I just needed to vent after a very stressful and long day. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know why I feel as if I need him after this, I just feel that I do.

Sounds like you miss what you thought you had, not what you found out you had.

[lana-banana]

A counselor could help you understand WHY you "feel you need him" and why you "have horrible lapses in judgment and you always have", or why you spent two years on a situation that was very obviously off-balance from the beginning. You will not get any better nor make any progress as a person unless you have some understanding of why you do what you do---and then it's a matter of making a conscious choice to adopt better patterns of behavior.

Many years ago, in another thread on this site with another poster in crisis, someone asked: "What will you do to practice your aggressive self-rescue?" That stuck with me, the idea of being in such a state of pain that you had to aggressively take steps to protect yourself. You describe being unable to do your job, and I'm sure it's affecting your ability to be an engaged mother as well. The time for aggressive self-rescue is now. What are you going to do to stop this agony?

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Many years ago, in another thread on this site with another poster in crisis, someone asked: "What will you do to practice your aggressive self-rescue?" That stuck with me, the idea of being in such a state of pain that you had to aggressively take steps to protect yourself. You describe being unable to do your job, and I'm sure it's affecting your ability to be an engaged mother as well. The time for aggressive self-rescue is now. What are you going to do to stop this agony?

I agree Lana. LShalcy, you are in crisis and it will not get better unless you do something. If it was me, I would stop talking to the man and I would find some support. A trusted friend, family member, or yes - a counsellor! With covid, there are TONS of free resources for people who are experiencing a mental health crisis. I don’t know where you live, but if you are a teacher you likely have access to counselling support theough work - call them! They are likely to offer something quickly. The focus now should be on stabilization during this time of crisis. In time, you will want to explore the fact that you have made some poor judgments about men such that you can find a healthier relationship for yourself in the future.

What do you have to lose by reaching out for support? Surely, it can’t be any worse than what you are living right now.

53 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I spent the entire weekend telling him I was not waiting around for him anymore and asking what it would be like if we could see each other everyday and if he didn’t have a wife,

That’s a lovely fantasy, but his wife can not be ignored. You can. Ot just pretend that she does not exist. He can not see you everyday because he is otherwise committed to another woman. He is making promises he can’t keep - and even at that, he’s not promising you anything... “he’s trying to work things out.” What does that mean? 

He is making promises that he can’t keep and you are looking for a “solution” that will do more harm than good. Trust me, if doesn’t feel like it right now but IF he ever was to divorce his wife to get with you - that would be the WORST outcome for you. 

You need to let this guy go. For your own mental health and well-being. Because your children are dependent on you - physically, emotionally, and financially. You can’t afford to continue in this way. If you are young - you can afford to make mistakes and have poor judgments and whatever happens, you dust yourself off, learn from it, and continue along... you don’t have that luxury anymore. You have two little humans who are depending on you! You need to put yourself first here - radical self care. Take care of your babies and take care of their mother. He will take care of himself - you can deal with him another day. You have more pressing things to attend to today. Take care. 

Edited May 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

Please consider this:

INTENT determines CULPABILITY.  Mens rea in legal terms.  That is why some people get off on murder charges: not guilty because of self defense as an example.  No intent to do physical harm but did so in the course of defending oneself.  And it works up from there depending on circumstance and intent.  If this were a trial for infidelity, the jury would surely find this guy guilty in the first degree.

There is no doubt of the existence of intent to cheat on his wife AND at the same time, intent to mislead you.  That is why it is likely people draw the conclusion he is the worst kind of cheater.  He purposely and consciously decided to be on a dating site while married, showing intent to cheat.  He courted you for 2 years after meeting on that site and did not tell you the truth of his marriage.  That too shows intent.  He acted purposefully.  He acted knowingly.  He acted recklessly.

He is married and cheating so by definition can not be monogamous.  But he expect monogamy from you.  That is the very definition of hypocrisy.

You are in love with an illusion, but you know that.  Somehow, you believe he will see the light and come to you.  Heaven help you if he does because a man who purposely and knowingly sets out to cheat on a wife AND deceive an unknowing GF is not a good person.  He is acting deliberately because it is what HE wants, everyone else and their wellbeing be damned!  He didn't just happen to 'fall in love' and into an affair. It was PLANNED & DELIBERATE.  You know this now but are choosing to overlook it.  Do so at your own peril.  Odds are he will do it to you at some point.  As they say, be careful what you wish for ...

Edited May 17, 2021 by PhoenixRising8

[d0nnivain]

You are not boring us but you need to work on your self discipline.  Get those report cards done.  You don't want to lose your job too.  

[Crazelnut]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

This has been another horrible, useless day. It is getting harder everyday, not easier like I would have thought.  My report cards are overdue because I haven’t been able to finish the grading and I didn’t even bring the work home with me because I knew it wouldn’t get done, which means I will probably get an email about it tomorrow. 

I spent the entire weekend telling him I was not waiting around for him anymore and asking what it would be like if we could see each other everyday and if he didn’t have a wife,  and he said he would love that and he is trying to work things out but he hates it when I say I’m going to see other people & I have waited for him before, why can’t I wait for him now? 
 

He is trying to manipulate me, I know, because he is saying everything and anything to keep me attached to him because he knows he has me. I directly told him that if he didn't have a wife, it would so much easier and he said yes he knows and repeated that he is trying to work things out and just be patient (again).

I am saying all the wrong things and giving him all the control again. I don’t know why I feel as if I need him after this, I just feel that I do. I know he is manipulating me, and I know he has lied to me but  can’t explain this. I also know that yes, I do have horrible lapses in judgement and I always have, especially when it comes to men, I put myself in horrible situations that could have ended very terribly, but this is the first time anything like this has happened to me...

Holy crap, woman! Wake up!! What on earth are you thinking? You never answered my question -- why do you want this man? Why do you want someone who is so horrible to you?  What inside you is so broken that you think he is the prize? 

Just stop talking to him. It makes you feel worse, and if you don't get yourself together, you're going to lose your job. Time to pull yourself out of crisis mode. Every text, every call just sets you back. End it, for your children's sake.

Edited May 18, 2021 by Crazelnut

[Crazelnut]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

yes, he has a lot of both compromising videos and pictures of me and yes my face is in them but I don’t think he would do anything with them and also there would be no way to get them because they are on his phone. 

 

Oh good lord! You have no idea what this man is capable of. You don't actually know the real him. 

[LShalcy]

23 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Holy crap, woman! Wake up!! What on earth are you thinking? You never answered my question -- why do you want this man? Why do you want someone who is so horrible to you?  What inside you is so broken that you think he is the prize? 

Just stop talking to him. It makes you feel worse, and if you don't get yourself together, you're going to lose your job. Time to pull yourself out of crisis mode. Every text, every call just sets you back. End it, for your children's sake.

He wasn’t horrible to me. He took a genuine interest in learning things about me, checking up on me, seeming genuinely happy to be with me. I spent two birthdays (his) with him, two valentines days with him (I know that means nothing but still). Why would he not want to spend those days with his wife? Why, obviously make up some lie to spend those days with me? I wouldn’t see him for every holiday but I saw him for enough and yes, I was ignoring those things that made me pause and think and question.

you’re right that every call, text sets me back because he is just now texting, asking how my day was, asking about work, as if I’m not so hurt and devastated. 
 

i know he’s a good father and the idea of him being this liar and this horrible person is so alien to my experiences with him.

Edited May 18, 2021 by LShalcy