After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

as a woman you have that instinct when someone is falling in love with you even before they say it

I believe the psychology term for this is “projection”

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

This is a man who I talked to everyday, all day

Because he is stuck at home looking after his kid, and he’s bored. The same way he’s providing childcare to his kid, you’re providing childcare to him - keeping him occupied and out of trouble until his parent (BW) returns, to wash him, feed him, dress him and send him off to work. 

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

No one is that great of an actor.

No one has to be, if the person they’re seeking to convince has already convinced themself. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Prudence V

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I do believe him when he says he didn’t intend for this

Of course he didn’t. You weren’t supposed to find out he was married. And you weren’t supposed to want more (or be more) than a casual fling. Now - possibly - you are becoming a problem to manage, rather than just a source of orgasms, distraction and amusement while he goes about playing at being a grown up. 

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

It’s been tortuous not seeing him but I want him to miss me

Playing games is not a good basis for a sustainable relationship. Honestly, the more you describe the dynamic, the more I think neither of you have outgrown your teenage orientation towards relationships. 

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

preparing for if he tells me he’s not leaving her.

My guess is he’ll tell you whatever he thinks he needs to say to keep you compliant. If that’s telling you he’s not leaving (aka “being honest”) so your expectations are right sized (because he knows you won’t dump him. You would have, when you discovered the minor inconvenience of a wife, if you were going to) or telling you he’ll leave “as soon as the time is right” (and having a young kid provides him the perfect cover for that) - he’ll do what he thinks will work. And he’ll probably be right. Chances are you won’t dump him, whatever he says. 

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

If he were my husband and I were to see these text exchanges between him and another woman, I would know he loves her and cares about her and I would be heartbroken.

There are umpteen threads from BW on these boards, where they’ve come across text exchanges like this, yet convince themselves “it means nothing” because he’s still there with them. And, if that’s what you consider a marriage to be, they’re correct. Most of those guys don’t leave. It’s not the kind of marriage I’d want, but if they’re happy to settle for that, that’s their choice. 
 

And chances are, if through some miracle you did land up with this guy, that’s the kind of marriage you’d have to settle for, too. I’m not one of those who believes “if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you,” but everything you’ve described about this guy suggests an emotional age of 13 and an unwillingness to embrace responsibility and maturity. 

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Because although you make it sound like a fairy tale, it was an affair when it started, wasn’t it?

Of course it was. I’ve never claimed it was a fairytale - we both went into it very much with our eyes open, and made conscious choices every step of the way.
 

Unlike the language you’re using - you “didn’t intend” for it to happen this way, “things happened” etc. The difference is, you’re wanting to embrace those changes that “happened” and accelerate the R, while he’s sticking his fingers in his ears going lalalalala and drowning out  the sound of your voice because he just wants to carry on as you were, enjoying your fling, pretending that one day when you both grow up and leave home, you’ll ride off together into the sunset. 
 

Since the news of his M broke, he has had loads of opportunity to show you concrete steps he’s taken to end his marriage. He hasn’t. (Not to mention all the opportunities he’s had over the two years before you found out...) what does that suggest to you? Someone who’s serious about a future with you, or someone who’s just waiting for you to shut up and get over your hysterics about his wife, so you can get back to your fun little fling? 

[PhoenixRising8]

3 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

… he’s sticking his fingers in his ears going lalalalala and drowning out  the sound of your voice because he just wants to carry on as you were, enjoying your fling …

This … and unless you are able to pretend you don’t want more, not pressure and whine about wanting more, you will stop being the fun, doting GF and in his eyes, become the same as his nagging wife. When that realization happens, the cost/benefit analysis says, might as well stay with the wife, keep his assets and family intact and find another willing suspect. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

This … and unless you are able to pretend you don’t want more, not pressure and whine about wanting more, you will stop being the fun, doting GF and in his eyes, become the same as his nagging wife. When that realization happens, the cost/benefit analysis says, might as well stay with the wife, keep his assets and family intact and find another willing suspect. victim. 

I fixed that for you.

[PhoenixRising8]

Unfortunately she stopped being a victim when she decided she was fighting for him …

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Since the news of his M broke, he has had loads of opportunity to show you concrete steps he’s taken to end his marriage. He hasn’t. (Not to mention all the opportunities he’s had over the two years before you found out...) what does that suggest to you?

It suggests a man who wants to keep the status quo. He has told you that OP - he wants things to go back to the way they were. He’s not looking for a new wife. He’s not trapped in a bad marriage, as you were, and to believe that he is and that you are his ticket to happiness is projection. 

He told you the truth because he believed that you would still stay - and he was right. It was a calculated risk on his part and it appears that it has paid off. Phew, that’s a relief. It’s out in the open now and we can just go back to the way we were... 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Unfortunately she stopped being a victim when she decided she was fighting for him …

Yes, she did. 

That’s not to say that he won’t attempt to victimize another lonely, unsuspecting woman in the future, should this affair end. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

No doubt he will …

[RebeccaR]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

Because he is stuck at home looking after his kid, and he’s bored.

In her very first post she referred to them sharing funny memes and sexual memes. Teenage stuff. Seems like he just needs entertainment to get him through the day. Of course he just wants to get back to the way thing were!

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

In her very first post she referred to them sharing funny memes and sexual memes. Teenage stuff. Seems like he just needs entertainment to get him through the day. Of course he just wants to get back to the way thing were!

Seems to me that the fun things that women tend to like, the emotion, the romance, the love bombing, the silly stuff... are the preserve of players, sociopaths, adulterers and ne'er do wells... 
It is a cruel trick that we as women have often got to put up with proper "real" men who are often rigid, no fun and emotionally unavailable, without a romantic bone in their body....or are even domineering, bossy and abusive...
It is little wonder some women get hooked into these fantasy relationships...

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

What abuse am I defending? And what abuse was there? 

Speaking very generally, the characterization of affairs as abuse is IMO tenuous at best. Generally the affair is intended as a "bonus" for a person rather than there being an actual intent to harm the BS or AP. Without a doubt some affairs are indeed genuinely abusive, particularly "revenge" affairs where there is a plan to tell the spouse about it. But then again, many regular relationships are abusive too.

In your case IMO it's a bit of a judgement call/matter of opinion. He must have known he would have to either end things or tell you eventually. Either way you get hurt, so, I can see it interpreted as abusive in that sense.

You seem to be quite good at parsing what is presented to you. An important skill when dealing with internet forums (of any kind) as there can be all kinds of distortions, sometimes fairly subtle ones. So, kudos for that.

The blind spot, however (and I apologize for belaboring the point) seems to be that you are apparently willing/leaning toward accepting a "boyfriend" who deliberately lied to you about his marital status from the outset and for 2 years. Honestly I'm having a hard time processing that. Perhaps you are comfortable with the EMR, but are you comfortable with the dishonesty towards you?

You also seem to be falling into the trap of hoping he will "pick you". This is, simply put, not very likely.

Here is what you need to be focusing your ability for critical analysis on:

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Fine, man needs a bit of extra sex and finds it, but that is a long long way from leaving his wife and his kid and taking on some other guy's kids...

3 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

the cost/benefit analysis says, might as well stay with the wife, keep his assets and family intact and find another willing suspect. 

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by mark clemson

[LShalcy]

9 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Because he is stuck at home looking after his kid, and he’s bored. The same way he’s providing childcare to his kid, you’re providing childcare to him - keeping him occupied and out of trouble until his parent (BW) returns, to wash him, feed him, dress him and send him off to work. 

I’m not sure why you think this has to be the reason, rather than actually liking someone?

and your holier-than-thou attitude is not appreciated, especially when you were dating a married man and now suddenly think that anyone else who does it is crazy.

[LShalcy]

9 hours ago, Prudence V said:

On 5/21/2021 at 7:26 PM, LShalcy said:

 

Of course it was. I’ve never claimed it was a fairytale - we both went into it very much with our eyes open, and made conscious choices every step of the way.

And his family was so accepting of you, even when it was an affair? How did that work? They were all against his wife?

[RebeccaR]

49 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

especially when you were dating a married man and now suddenly think that anyone else who does it is crazy.

You were very upset when you found out he was married. If you have already accepted it, I guess you are done with the reason you came here?

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

You were very upset when you found out he was married. If you have already accepted it,

there is really nothing more that anyone can say... 

I still think it’s important to note that not a single person has said this is a healthy relationship for you. Not a single person has said, “I would meet him and hear what he has to say... I would give him some time and see what happens.”

That said, you are going to meet him this week, of that I have no doubt. And, you will likely stay - although, I do think you have this fantasy that he is going to tell you that he is leaving his wife and that you will eventually be together. So, when this doesn’t work out as expected, just know that you are always welcome here. It does not feel like it now, because you are not yet ready to hear or accept the truth, but there is support here for you when you need it. 

Edited May 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

You were very upset when you found out he was married. If you have already accepted it, I guess you are done with the reason you came here?

Yes I was very upset and I continue to be very upset about it. I came here because I have no other outlet, and I don’t have any friends to talk to, and I have received some wonderful replies that I continue to read over and over. However, I did not come here to have people tell me that I’m delusional, he’s a sociopath, psychopath, he doesn’t care about his daughter because he’s using her as bait etc etc. and someone who has dated a married man and is currently married to him to be acting as if I’m insane because we  care about each other and belittling the relationship, as unconventional as it is.

 

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That said, you are going to meet him this week, of that I have no doubt. And, you will likely stay - although, I do think you have this fantasy that he is going to tell you that he is leaving his wife and that you will eventually be together

Yes I will meet him this week, but regardless of what many of you think, I don’t expect he will tell me that. I think there are too many obstacles in the way (wife, his kid, my kids) but I’m happy when I’m with him, and he’s happy when he’s with me and I just can’t give it up now. So I guess I’ll just let the fantasy play out a little longer. 🥺 

[Prudence V]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 

 

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

and your holier-than-thou attitude is not appreciated, especially when you were dating a married man and now suddenly think that anyone else who does it is crazy.

Gently, as I stated in my first post on this thread:

On 5/20/2021 at 3:46 PM, Prudence V said:

I’m not one of those reborn fOW who walk around preaching he’ll and damnation to anyone else who ventures down that road. It worked out great for me - and while I won’t recommend it to everyone, because it usually doesn’t work out great, I won’t condemn anyone who makes an informed choice that this is what they want or need at a particular time of their life. 

 

The important part to underline there is, *informed choice*. You were not informed. You were deceived. Deliberately, sustainedly and remorselessly, for two entire years. 

And while others now think that you’re making a conscious decision to embrace the role of OW (and so feel they need to withdraw support), my view differs. I don’t think you are choosing to be the OW - at least, not from an informed choice position, or a position of strength. You are accepting it, submitting to it, settling for it - not choosing it. To use an analogy - a man is pointing a gun at your head, asking to to have sex with him or he’ll shoot you, and you’re doing it. It’s not a free choice. It’s a weighing of alternatives - in the analogy, submission is better than death; in your situation, submission is better than being dumped and left with “nothing”. 
 

If you find my perspective less than enthusiastic about your relationship, it’s not because it’s an A, it’s because it’s not what I think you want (long-term, or even now):

 

On 5/20/2021 at 3:46 PM, Prudence V said:

But I’m not sure that’s where you are. If you are choosing a p/t relationship with a guy who you know is married, and are prepared to overlook his calculated and sustained dishonesty in lying to you about this for two years, because that is the kind of relationship you want, with he kind of person you want to spend time with, fair enough. You’ve had your own history of infidelity, it’s clearly not a dealbreaker for you, and you’ve not expressed any unhappiness about the amount of time, interest and commitment you’ve been getting from him before this great revelation. So it’s possible that this is what you want - but you haven’t come out to say that. What you said is you want *him*, not that you want the kind of R he’s offering. 
 

If you want the kind of R he’s offering, and can overcome the deceit (or suppress it, like several BW manage to do to keep their M intact) then go ahead. He’s happy enough to snap back into how things were, probably indefinitely, so if that works for you, it’s there for your taking. But if you are hoping for something else - a R that develops into something more full-time, possibly even seeing a family of his kid and yours, and him coming home to you each day... Realistically, that’s not going to happen. He is not offering that to you, and that’s not what he wants. What he wants is what he has now - and that’s what he’s offering. 
 

 

[Prudence V]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not sure why you think this has to be the reason, rather than actually liking someone?

It doesn’t “have to be the reason”, but based on what you’ve related in this thread about this guy and the context, it does seem the most likely. 
 

As I asked you earlier, 

 

16 hours ago, Prudence V said:

What concrete actions did he take to show you it had turned into more, for him? Did he introduce you to his mother? Take you to his company dinner? Whisk you off on a romantic holiday to Paris, and post the pix prominently on FB, declaring to all the world how much he loved you? What convinced you that he was as into the “more” as you were?

I’ve seen little to no evidence from what you’ve related here of his “liking” you, or “wanting more than a fling”. The only evidence you cite is that he spends “all day” - when he’s stuck alone providing childcare - chatting to you. There’s no evidence of him taking you out on the town, introducing you to family or friends, celebrating you publicly, no evidence even of him buying you elaborate presents - which characterises some of even the most hidden As on these boards, in the absence of more public displays of investment. No - all you can muster is “he chats all day, everyday” from the safety and isolation of his childcare shift. 
 

If this is a misreading, and there is additional evidence you haven’t yet shared, then please go ahead. I’m a researcher, and my job is to base my interpretation on evidence. When new evidence presents, I change my interpretation in the light of the new information - and I’d be very happy to do that here, too. 

[Prudence V]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

And his family was so accepting of you, even when it was an affair? How did that work? They were all against his wife?

They wanted him to be happy. They had seen over the decades how genuinely unhappy he was in the M, and saw how happy he was in our R. 
 

Have you met your MM’s family? What is their view on his M? What is their view on your R? Are they hoping you’ll become the next Mrs MM?