After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I am mad at him. But I also know that she is the obstacle in this. I already said I know it’s wrong because she is getting deceived even worse than  me. 

She's not the obstacle.  His character is.

If by some miracle he was to leave her and be with you, how long do you think it would be before he was on a dating site looking for his next side piece?  As you've said, this is a man who was using OLD to find some extra marital sex within months of getting married.  His commitment to you would be just as fluid.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t have to examine why, it’s clearly because she has something I want.

 

7 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I also know that she is the obstacle in this. 

The fact that you still see this man as a prize worthy of “winning” is a problem for you. Hopefully, with a little time and distance and counselling you can develop a better perspective on this...

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

She's not the obstacle.  His character is.

If by some miracle he was to leave her and be with you, how long do you think it would be before he was on a dating site looking for his next side piece?  As you've said, this is a man who was using OLD to find some extra marital sex within months of getting married.  His commitment to you would be just as fluid.

Never mind this - now that this relationship has apparently ended, my bet is that his profile will be back on the dating site sooner than later and he will be fishing for woman to deceive. Another sex partner. A man who does this kind of thing is not interested in monogamy...

OP, we recently had a woman here who met her married man on a dating site and she swore to us that he also had the best of intentions. 🙄 They had a relationship until she finally ended it because he said he would leave but never did. If memory serves, he was eventually discovered or left his wife to be with her and returned home. His affair ended, and back in his unhappy marriage, he went back to the dating website and found himself another woman only to be faced with a real conundrum at one point - he was forced to chose between is wife and TWO other women. Thankfully, that poster finally came to her senses and left this man in her past. 

You stay with him, you would most definitely be sharing him with another woman - whether that be his wife or another affair partner, 

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't rule it out, given how nonchalant he appears to be about it. 

Nor would I, if he were an adult. But emotionally he’s an adolescent, living in some fantasy world where “fate” makes all the decisions for him.
 

I’m guess from the timings the OP described here (4 year old kid, married 3 years) that marrying his BW “happened” because of the kid, and the kid “happened” because he didn’t do anything to prevent pregnancy. So if another kid “happens”, it will be “fate” again and he’ll leave it for “fate” (ie someone else) to mop up his mess for him. 

[RebeccaR]

If the OP were to fake a pregnancy, she will see how he would react to a real one

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world...

OP by your own admission, you can’t even parent the kids you’ve got right now. Single parenting them *and another kid* whose sperm donor probably won’t even acknowledge that kid won’t make it easier. 
 

And if he does play any part in such a kid’s life, you know how that will play out, don’t you? He’ll be sending pix of that kid (interspersed with pix of his genitalia) to his other girlfriends, to hook them in the way it worked so well with you. Would you be happy for your kid to be used in that way? 

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

To have such a nonchalant attitude about pregnancy is not normal. 

... for a rational adult. He’s not. 

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

if they were planning to have another child. 

Does he sound like the “planning” type? 

[Prudence V]

4 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

Only because you don’t want him angry with you 

...and, on a more practical level, because she probably wouldn’t know how to. She’s never been to his house. She knows nothing about him other than what he’s told her - and we know how trustworthy he’s been on that front. 

[Prudence V]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I cannot understand being married for only one year and then going on a dating site.

Because he doesn’t want to be a grown up. 
 

He’d rather be a teenager with a fun, cool dating life than a married adult. 

[Prudence V]

39 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I also know that she is the obstacle in this.

She would be an obstacle if he wanted to be with you. He doesn’t. He enjoys dating you, sexting you, having sex with you. If he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you. He’s had ample opportunity to make that happen, but he continually chooses not to. 
 

If you really wanted him to be with you, you would have to force him to leave her, force him to divorce, force him to marry you... like I’m guessing she did. He’s not exactly a self-starter, this guy. I’m guessing that before she fell pregnant and made him marry her, he was living in his parents’ basement. 

[PhoenixRising8]

46 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Never mind this - now that this relationship has apparently ended, my bet is that his profile will be back on the dating site sooner than later and he will be fishing for woman to deceive. Another sex partner. A man who does this kind of thing is not interested in monogamy...

OP, we recently had a woman here who met her married man on a dating site and she swore to us that he also had the best of intentions. 🙄 They had a relationship until she finally ended it because he said he would leave but never did. If memory serves, he was eventually discovered or left his wife to be with her and returned home. His affair ended, and back in his unhappy marriage, he went back to the dating website and found himself another woman only to be faced with a real conundrum at one point - he was forced to chose between is wife and TWO other women. Thankfully, that poster finally came to her senses and left this man in her past. 

You stay with him, you would most definitely be sharing him with another woman - whether that be his wife or another affair partner, 

Mostly correct Bailey.  The relationship ended and after 5 months of NC, he reaches out that he’s finally had it and leaving. It takes 4 months and he finally does.  Minimal contact during that time beyond the odd coffee and a dinner.  Definitely not physical. After he left I found out he went back to OLD and found another OW. I was out of town and he pursued relentlessly and dumped the OOW. He was insistent he had seen the light and I wanted to prove to myself I could not have been so wrong about him - it was just that he struggled ending the marriage and now that he had, it would all be good.
 

Except it didn’t feel the same and I didn’t feel the same about him. I didn’t trust him. I saw his faults and mostly saw his self centeredness. In the 9 months since we ended it, I went to a support group and 1:1 therapy. I realized I didn’t need someone to complete me or validate me. After 5-6 weeks I dumped him because surprise, surprise he was back in contact with OOW. I had occasion to speak to both OOW & BS. BS was not anything like I imagined. In another circumstance we might have been good friends, we had that much in common. Turns out she chucked him out, I did too and last I heard he was with OOW. Lucky her lol. 
 

LShalcy, my MM was no prize and he was a whole lot better that yours in many ways. He didn’t lie by omission for 2 years that he was available for a relationship. Why you are so adamant you want him is beyond me. I suspect you need him to choose you to prove to yourself you are worthy and if that’s the case, it’s truly sad.
 

He told me he didn’t love his wife. He showed what appeared to be remorse for the pain he was causing me and his family. Was it genuine?  Who knows, to some extent it likely was but in the end his desires trumped all. I now see that he told me he was leaving his wife when I was trying to break up with him the first time, and he did actually try. But he didn’t succeed in leaving that time. Now I think it’s entirely possible he said he was leaving just to avoid having to find another OW. Who knows and frankly who cares. He cared as much as he was capable. But everyone knows the truth about him now and I suspect his life is anything but happy. His kids are polite so treat him well last I heard but they don’t want to be near him. His OOW I’m sure is anything but welcomed with open arms. yours hasn’t even said he didn’t love his wife or leaving but it’s her you hate. Your hate is well and truly misplaced. 
 

And your kids … you say you have no friends or support system. Where are they when your MM overnights?  have you introduced them? Has he been playing happy family with you when he visits?  For your kids sake I hope not. Please think of them first. You are doing harm to them, whether you realize it or not. 

[Timshel]

55 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

... for a rational adult. He’s not. 

Neither is LShalcy, may we have some accountability here?

44 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

If you really wanted him to be with you, you would have to force him to leave her, force him to divorce, force him to marry you... like I’m guessing she did. He’s not exactly a self-starter, this guy. I’m guessing that before she fell pregnant and made him marry her, he was living in his parents’ basement. 

What the actual F*ck. Now his wife is an a**hole? Where did this information come from?

LShalcy, you are in need of counseling. The delusional thinking, neglect of yourself, your children and hatred toward an innocent person that you are participating in harming is a huge glaring ugly neon flashing sign that you, my dear are not ok.

Please seek help, make an appointment with a therapist asap.

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

Mostly correct Bailey.

Thanks for the correction. The details were very fuzzy...

Quote

I had occasion to speak to both OOW & BS. BS was not anything like I imagined. In another circumstance we might have been good friends, we had that much in common. Turns out she chucked him out, I did too and last I heard he was with OOW. Lucky her lol. 

For all you know, he is “with” the OOW but still trolling online. Or, perhaps he has met another unsuspecting woman which would make her the OOOW... 🤣 The point being, this is a pattern of behavior to take note of, when you see it. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Timshel said:

LShalcy, you are in need of counseling. The delusional thinking, neglect of yourself, your children and hatred toward an innocent person that you are participating in harming is a huge glaring ugly neon flashing sign that you, my dear are not ok.

Indeed. Let’s hope with a good amount of time, and distance, and LOTS of counselling, she is able to find a better path for herself and her children. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[Prudence V]

30 minutes ago, Timshel said:

What the actual F*ck. Now his wife is an a**hole? Where did this information come from?

Eep! I can see that it reads that way, but that wasn’t what I was implying, that the BW was at fault in that... rather, that she likely had to do all the work to make the R (and M) happen because this MM is just like a plastic bag that drifts around on the wind, not taking responsibility or making anything happen, in his life. Apologies for not making that clear...

My point was, if OP thinks a R with this guy is ever going to happen - it’s not, unless she does all the “work”. 

[Prudence V]

 

47 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Neither is LShalcy, may we have some accountability here?

 

As I posted upthread...

 

On 5/22/2021 at 3:07 PM, Prudence V said:

Honestly, the more you describe the dynamic, the more I think neither of you have outgrown your teenage orientation towards relationships. 

 

 

[LShalcy]

45 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

LShalcy, you are in need of counseling. The delusional thinking, neglect of yourself, your children and hatred toward an innocent person that you are participating in harming is a huge glaring ugly neon flashing sign that you, my dear are not ok.

I am neglecting my children by giving my daughter an iPad instead of playing a game with her? I don’t think so. And my other daughter is 13 and mostly wants to be left alone anyway. And I’m not harming anyone. She’s not my wife and I really don’t care about her feelings. Maybe I’m neglecting myself because I haven’t eaten since Friday night but I am NOT neglecting my children. 

I don’t need your your judgement.

 

21 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Honestly, the more you describe the dynamic, the more I think neither of you have outgrown your teenage orientation towards relationships. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by LShalcy

[Prudence V]

8 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I am neglecting my children by giving my daughter an iPad instead of playing a game with her? I don’t think so. And my other daughter is 13 and mostly wants to be left alone anyway. And I’m not harming anyone. She’s not my wife and I really don’t care about her feelings. Maybe I’m neglecting myself because I haven’t eaten since Friday night but I am NOT neglecting my children. 

I don’t need your judgment.

 

Yet you yourself wrote exactly this, mere hours earlier: 

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

even my 2 year old asks what’s wrong and I’m just not even present for her, doing things she wants to do, just giving her the iPad so I can wallow in my misery. It’s horrible. I guess I do need help because I cannot continue like this much longer. 
 

So, while you do feel bad about neglecting your kids, you become defensive when someone you’ve earlier been so grateful toward for posting helpful comments mentions it? I’m guessing you’re overwhelmed by everything right now and instead of expressing anger toward the cause of that (him), anyone else will do. 

[BaileyB]

Believe it or not, it’s not judgment as much as it is a hope that you will get some help. As you said earlier, this is not sustainable. When you are done wallowing, you will need to deal with this and make some different decisions - I hope especially for the sake of your children that you can pull yourself together. 

The statement was actually made by Timshel. And while brutal in it’s honesty, she hit the nail right on the head! Whether you are ready to acknowledge it or not...

[PhoenixRising8]

14 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I am neglecting my children by giving my daughter an iPad instead of playing a game with her? I don’t think so. And my other daughter is 13 and mostly wants to be left alone anyway. And I’m not harming anyone. She’s not my wife and I really don’t care about her feelings. 

A 2 year old needs her mother, not an iPad nanny. And you don’t care bout your 13 year old’s feeling?  I guess that say everything. 
 

Your posts suggests it’s all about you and what you want.  In that respect, perhaps you and MM are indeed 2 of a kind. You want what you want whether or not it’s good, safe or the right thing. 
 

Good luck to you. More than that, good luck to your children. They need it. 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

A 2 year old needs her mother, not an iPad nanny.

It’s also not just this weekend that her mother has been distracted. Certainly, it’s been a month now since this whole drama started and I can imagine that this man took up a fair bit of her time and thoughts prior to discovery. 

If I was to ask a question OP, what is your 13 year old daughter learning about relationships from watching you this past month? You may think she wants to do her own thing, but she is watching everything. As was said above, you do have an obligation to model healthy behaviours for your children. That is as good a reason as any to make that appointment with a counsellor.

Edited May 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

She’s not my wife and I really don’t care about her feelings.

And he doesn't care about yours. 

Strange how that works. 

[RebeccaR]

I think the OP knows what is best for her and her children - throughout the thread, she makes statements and when others agree with her, she does a 180 and contradicts her previous statements. Read her first post where she says she knows she has to end it.

I don’t think it’s the replies here pushing her towards the OM (as some suggested) - it’s that she is still stuck in the bargaining stage of grief. (I know, too, that the stages of grief theory has been somewhat debunked,  but it’s still a handy yardstick).

There’s nothing wrong with an exhausted parent giving a child an iPad occasionally, but this OP is one of the most extreme cases of denial (about her whole situation)  I have seen here. Her lack of support from others is worrisome. She already said she’s putting her job at risk by not completing reports on time, and she doesn’t seem interested in therapy. Hopes she will move on to more constructive action soon, including dumping her OM. What can possibly be so great about another woman’s husband to throw everything else away for him?  

[LShalcy]

22 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

A 2 year old needs her mother, not an iPad nanny. And you don’t care bout your 13 year old’s feeling?  I guess that say everything. 
 

I said I don’t care about his wife’s feelings, not my daughters feelings.