After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Prudence V]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I haven’t drank for the entire week though.

The self-control that stops you drinking yourself into a coma can stop you letting this dude walk all over you, too. 

[PhoenixRising8]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I am having a really really rough night of it this morning. He reached out to me twice yesterday, morning text, afternoon texting and everything was like normal but radio silence since then and it’s 6 am. I was very noncommittal in my responses- one of two words only. Now I am obsessively checking my phone and want to scream and cry that he hasn’t gotten back to me. This was sometimes normal - sometimes he would work in a different facility with limited service and it hasnt bothered me this much before. 

I’m just wondering is he texting someone else, what’s happening, is he over me? Maybe I should have been friendlier in my texts back to him?! The obsessive thoughts has me still on this board while I need to be getting ready for work!!

I just want this to be over. How can I go to work with red eyes and crying?! I should just stay home. 

It will only be over when you end it.  Until then you will continue to obsess over where he is, who he is with, who he is texting.  The only person who can make this over is YOU.  It will never go back to what it was pre-revelation.  If you don't end it, he will at some point because you are now shifting moods and behaviour with him - you aren't the good time girl any longer.   It may take a month, two, three, who knows but in the meantime you are killing yourself slowly.  Then you will have no choice.  You will have to go through the pain at some point, you are just choosing to prolong the pain, thinking if you hang on long enough, he will choose you in the end, except nothing he has said or done shows that to be the case.  

I remember what my neighbour said to me many years ago when my grandmother was dying.  I was doing everything possible to keep her alive, even when I knew there was no hope.  I needed her to live.  She asked me if I was really prolonging my grandmother's life or her dying process.  That really put things in perspective.  Her body was shutting down and I really was just prolonging her death.  Your relationship as you knew it is dying and you are holding on to any shred of it that you can.  It will never regenerate to what it was and what you are doing is prolonging your own suffering.  There is no short cut to ending the pain when you are actively continuing the relationship.  The short cut is to end it now.

As for why he wasn't responding, you THINK it's because he was a different location, but you DON'T actually know, do you?  If you are not aware of this, you can 'mute' texts and calls from a specific number meaning they still show up in your queue when you open it but you don't get alerts.  That may be why you never saw any texts from his wife for 2 years.  He muted her while with you.  He may just as easily been with someone else and muted you last night.

[Allupinnit]

Oh girl - you should have been NICER to him?  *sigh* look I know the heart wants what it wants, but this guy isn't worthy of the dog crap on your shoe, and you're being a bit ridiculous with this school-girl pining.  You're a professional.  A teacher.  A MOM!  And you are simply existing for a TEXT from this guy.  A DAMN TEXT.  Let that sink in!  He's not offering you a relationship, an apology, hell not even a REAL DATE. And yet you're incapable of functioning if you don't see his name pop up on your phone.  That sounds worse than heroin!

Do you know what HE'S busy doing?  Yeah, you do.  And that's why it hurts so much.  You're clamoring for a mere few seconds out of his day to type a meaningless message to you, at the same time he's probably drinking coffee with his wife as they discuss their day or maybe vacation plans for the summer.  Maybe a sick relative.  Who's picking up the kid from daycare.  REAL LIFE STUFF that has nothing to do with you.  Come on, @LShalcy you need to sack up and face your reality.  What do you want him to say to you?  That he's leaving her?  He's not!!!  So keep yourself on this hamster wheel, he's happy to oblige.  Men are incredibly good at compartmentalizing and he'll be ready to pull you off the shelf and play with you when he can sneak away again, and put you back where you belong at the end of the night.  

[LShalcy]

12 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Oh girl - you should have been NICER to him?  *sigh* look I know the heart wants what it wants, but this guy isn't worthy of the dog crap on your shoe, and you're being a bit ridiculous with this school-girl pining.  You're a professional.  A teacher.  A MOM!  And you are simply existing for a TEXT from this guy.  A DAMN TEXT.  Let that sink in!  He's not offering you a relationship, an apology, hell not even a REAL DATE. And yet you're incapable of functioning if you don't see his name pop up on your phone.  That sounds worse than heroin!

Do you know what HE'S busy doing?  Yeah, you do.  And that's why it hurts so much.  You're clamoring for a mere few seconds out of his day to type a meaningless message to you, at the same time he's probably drinking coffee with his wife as they discuss their day or maybe vacation plans for the summer.  Maybe a sick relative.  Who's picking up the kid from daycare.  REAL LIFE STUFF that has nothing to do with you.  Come on, @LShalcy you need to sack up and face your reality.  What do you want him to say to you?  That he's leaving her?  He's not!!!  So keep yourself on this hamster wheel, he's happy to oblige.  Men are incredibly good at compartmentalizing and he'll be ready to pull you off the shelf and play with you when he can sneak away again, and put you back where you belong at the end of the night.  

You are right in everything you said. And yes, that is why it hurts so much. 
 

i have a date later tonight and I guess I won’t cancel like I was going to, if only to get my mind off of him. I just can’t believe how he lied and told me he definitely wasn’t sleeping with anyone else when he was he sleeps in bed at night with his wife! He even told me we had to take it slow at first (when we first met) because he hadn’t had sex for a while.
 

im pathetic. 

[Pumpernickel]

Glad you didn’t cancel your date tonight. Enjoy and have fun! I’m sure it will help you disengage from this person. At least a little bit. One step at a time.

[Vivalavi]

57 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

You are right in everything you said. And yes, that is why it hurts so much. 
 

i have a date later tonight and I guess I won’t cancel like I was going to, if only to get my mind off of him. I just can’t believe how he lied and told me he definitely wasn’t sleeping with anyone else when he was he sleeps in bed at night with his wife! He even told me we had to take it slow at first (when we first met) because he hadn’t had sex for a while.
 

im pathetic. 

I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. When it comes to obsessing over MM, you and I have tons in common. I feel your pain. My MM ended it a week ago but we stayed in touch. Texting and sending pics every day. It hurts seeing his face knowing I won't be able to touch him or kiss him ever again. I'm pretty much torturing myself. Just like you, I'm overthinking why he didn't respond early or why he said this or that. He takes hours someday. I can't let go yet, but I know I will have to soon because this killing me emotionally.

When you mentioned your MM taking it slow because he had no sex for a while, it reminded me when mine said after first kiss that he is a bit rusty because it's been a while. Thinking back, I don't think it was truth. 

Just like someone before wrote you - look up intermittent reinforcement. It make so much sense. Except, I don't get how someone can play with other's feelings like that. 

Anyway, reading your posts helps me. It keeps me a little calmer to know that I'm not alone. Sending hugs. Btw, i hope you have a wonderful date night!

 

[LShalcy]

7 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. When it comes to obsessing over MM, you and I have tons in common. I feel your pain. My MM ended it a week ago but we stayed in touch. Texting and sending pics every day. It hurts seeing his face knowing I won't be able to touch him or kiss him ever again. I'm pretty much torturing myself. Just like you, I'm overthinking why he didn't respond early or why he said this or that. He takes hours someday. I can't let go yet, but I know I will have to soon because this killing me emotionally.

When you mentioned your MM taking it slow because he had no sex for a while, it reminded me when mine said after first kiss that he is a bit rusty because it's been a while. Thinking back, I don't think it was truth. 

Just like someone before wrote you - look up intermittent reinforcement. It make so much sense. Except, I don't get how someone can play with other's feelings like that. 

Anyway, reading your posts helps me. It keeps me a little calmer to know that I'm not alone. Sending hugs. Btw, i hope you have a wonderful date night!

 

Thank you and it helps to know I’m not alone. How did he end it? Did he come right out and say he didn’t want to see you anymore? 
 

and thank you re the date. I hope I have fun but I doubt it. I seriously wasn’t even planning on ever going and I was going to cancel last minute (horrible I know), but I’m just feeling so much anger and hurt right now that maybe this might help. He said he he will be cooking and we can watch a movie (we both like scary movies), so I’m going to try to relax and have a nice time. This will at least prevent me from texting MM tonight. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by LShalcy

[Birdies]

The best and ONLY way to get over him is to block his a$$ and start No Contact.  Continued contact equals continued hurt.  This guy is a lying, slimy, scumbag and you and your kids deserve better.

I'm not someone who thinks all cheaters are evil POS.  I had an affair when married, with a married man.  We actually both ended up getting divorced, and we are now happily married with a family.  I think cheating is a dick move, but that some cheaters are good people who make terrible, selfish choices... and some cheaters are unredeemable jerks.  Your guy is the latter.  

Block his a$$, it's the ONLY way to move on.  What you are feeling right now is a literal addiction, and the only way to get past it is to start having No Contact.  You can't heal until you start that.  It will never get easier, it will just get harder.  So do it now.

Edited June 4, 2021 by Birdies

[Vivalavi]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Thank you and it helps to know I’m not alone. How did he end it? Did he come right out and say he didn’t want to see you anymore? 
 

and thank you re the date. I hope I have fun but I doubt it. I seriously wasn’t even planning on ever going and I was going to cancel last minute (horrible I know), but I’m just feeling so much anger and hurt right now that maybe this might help. He said he he will be cooking and we can watch a movie (we both like scary movies), so I’m going to try to relax and have a nice time. This will at least prevent me from texting MM tonight. 

He ended it saying his wife wants another baby and he could not continue without feeling guilty. He said he doesn't want to lead me on in any way. Whatever he meant by it. He said we both knew this could not go on forever and while I knew that, I don't understand his timing. He ended it when I told him that he is more than a friend to me and asked what's this for him. That's why I have a hard time to believe it was because of another baby. Either way, all I can think of is him being happy after having his cake and now having tons of sex with his wife during their baby making season. It hurts. I should be happy for him. 

Does your MM know about your date?

[LShalcy]

5 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

He ended it saying his wife wants another baby and he could not continue without feeling guilty. He said he doesn't want to lead me on in any way. Whatever he meant by it. He said we both knew this could not go on forever and while I knew that, I don't understand his timing. He ended it when I told him that he is more than a friend to me and asked what's this for him. That's why I have a hard time to believe it was because of another baby. Either way, all I can think of is him being happy after having his cake and now having tons of sex with his wife during their baby making season. It hurts. I should be happy for him. 

Does your MM know about your date?

Omg that is horrible, I’m so sorry that happened to you and he said that. I would be thinking exactly the same thing as you and it would drive me absolutely insane. Just imagining MM at home with her is driving me crazy. Like, absolutely crazy.

no, he doesn’t know about my date. He has always said he will be so jealous if I was with anyone else. One time I told him a clerk at a store was flirting with me (he was waiting outside), the next time we went to the store he drove up right next to the door because he said he wanted to make sure he didn’t flirt with me again. And all that time, he knew he was married but tried so hard to keep me only for him!
 

I haven’t told him and I won’t I’m just going to try to not contact him at all this weekend and maybe he’ll reach out to me. 

[Allupinnit]

Speaking from experience, if you go to this guy's house and sleep with him you're going to feel 100X worse tomorrow and want to hear from your MM even more.  

Don't call it a date, it's a booty call.  You're not a robot, you're a human being and right now you are bonded to this man and trying to swap out the D is just a child's bandaid on a surgical wound.  

Here's how it will play out:

You'll go over there tonight wishing the ENTIRE TIME it was your MM you were going to see.  You might get drunk, sleep with this guy, the whole time stealing glances at your phone hoping to see *his* name.  Maybe you won't, and you'll spiral even more.  

Tomorrow morning maybe he'll be at the grocery store with his wife and you won't hear from him then, either.  You'll feel maybe hungover and regretful, hating yourself even more than you did already for sleeping with a man you don't even like, and you'll text the MM again looking for that little breadcrumb that will get you through the next hour or so.  And you'll want to see HIM again to sort of undo what you did the night before.  

And on it goes.  That's your weekend. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by Allupinnit

[LShalcy]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Don't call it a date, it's a booty call.  You're not a robot, you're a human being and right now you are bonded to this man and trying to swap out the D is just a child's bandaid on a s

He asked what I wanted to do and I was the one who suggested just stay in and watch a movie. He did suggest going out but I didn’t feel up for it. 

 

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

You'll go over there tonight wishing the ENTIRE TIME it was your MM you were going to see.  You might get drunk, sleep with this guy, the whole time stealing glances at your phone hoping to see *his* name.  Maybe you won't, and you'll spiral even more.  

^^^* this is why I was going to cancel. 

[elaine567]

Do you actually know this guy?

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Speaking from experience, if you go to this guy's house and sleep with him you're going to feel 100X worse tomorrow and want to hear from your MM even more.  

I agree. 

You are already a hot mess, having difficulty focusing and dealing with your responsibilities. Let’s make this more complicated... 

Kindly, it’s been one week since you “ended it” with your MM. SEVEN DAYS!  You haven’t even begun to heal - in large part because you are still in contact with the man. You have yet to make a single decision that will legitimately help you to recover from this situation. You have yet to make an appointment with a physician, a counsellor, or contact AA. You are instead choosing to mask the pain - you have previously chosen to self medicate with alcohol, and now you have now turned to another man/sex. You are simply at this point trading one addiction for another in attempt to find some kind of comfort. 

As you have said, you have absolutely no business dating anyone right now. A fling may be fine for some when trying to get over a breakup, but I would presume they are generally in a healthier and more stable place emotionally. You say you feel like you are on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Sure - you could have sex with this guy but the fact that he is not the man that you WANT to be having sex with is going to leave you feeling worse. And then, how will you cope? 

Edited June 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

As you have said, you have absolutely no business dating anyone right now. A fling may be fine for some when trying to get over a breakup, but I would presume they are generally in a healthier and more stable place emotionally. You say you feel like you are on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Sure - you could have sex with this guy but the fact that he is not the man that you WANT to be having sex with is going to leave you feeling worse. And then, how will you cope? 

Yes, I agree with everything you said. I feel mentally unstable at this point. I can’t focus on anything, I can’t give energy to anything. I feel pathetic for feeling this way but I can’t help it I have never felt this before. I have been posting like crazy but this is the only release that I have!! 
 

And I am feeling so much white hot rage and anger that in part I want to do this because how dare he do this to me for two damn years?  How dare he take away my agency in this, convincing me he was seeing no in one else but me, convincing me that he didn’t want to see anyone else but me?! What gives him the right?!

I still want him and I wish behind anything I could have him. But if he doesn’t want to hurt me, of course he’s too scared to ever hurt his wife, who he is married to and has a child with! Because he’s too much of a coward to ever do it. I’ve never even heard him yell in all the time I’ve known him. I don’t know the state of his marriage, and it’s not my marriage to understand, but if you have been sleeping with someone else for almost the same amount of time you’ve been married, then you’re not happy!! If it makes him feel like s*** making me upset, then how would he ever divorce his wife?!? I just wish I could ask him all these questions but I’m not and I’m just going to pathetically wait for our next time together. He wants to blame his job for our not spending more time, he works the night shifts, officers are short staffed, a cap on the number who can be out, but it’s not only his job it’s his damn wife! So there will never be enough time together.
 

I just need to forget this. I have planned things for my kids for tomorrow (weather permitting) and I won’t be neglecting them because I haven’t been fully present for them admittedly, but I need something for myself to prevent me from contacting him, and maybe hurt him in the process. 

Edited June 4, 2021 by LShalcy

[lana-banana]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know the state of his marriage, and it’s not my marriage to understand, but if you have been sleeping with someone else for almost the same amount of time you’ve been married, then you’re not happy!!

Gently: you have to stop going down this road. This has nothing to do with his wife, or being unhappy, or being in a "bad" marriage. This guy is just a remorseless and probably lifelong cheater, full stop. If not you, it's someone else. And to be honest he doesn't seem unhappy at all---seems like he's exactly where he wants to be: loving family life with sexy no-strings-attached action on the side.

@PhoenixRising8 paraphrased some of the best advice I've ever heard on this site: "this all ends when you say it does." He is not keeping this going. You are. Even if you aren't ready to never speak to him again right now, you have to believe that YOU have the power to end it, not him. You do not need to wait for his every text or drive yourself mad wondering what he's doing with his wife. You do not need him in any capacity. This all ends when you say it does.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

I remember what my neighbour said to me many years ago when my grandmother was dying.  I was doing everything possible to keep her alive, even when I knew there was no hope.  I needed her to live.  She asked me if I was really prolonging my grandmother's life or her dying process.  That really put things in perspective.  Her body was shutting down and I really was just prolonging her death.  Your relationship as you knew it is dying and you are holding on to any shred of it that you can.  It will never regenerate to what it was and what you are doing is prolonging your own suffering.  There is no short cut to ending the pain when you are actively continuing the relationship.  The short cut is to end it now.

I also think this is very good advice. I had the same conversation with myself when my mother was dying... When we made the decision to send her to palliative care, I had a moment of doubt when I thought that it was my decision that was sending her to her death. What helped deal with this moment was when I came to the realization that going home to resume life as we knew it was not an option anymore. She was dying, and all I could do was pick the best from some really bad options. It was then that I decided that the best option was for her to go to palliative care where she could pass in comfort and surrounded by the people she loved. 

It’s similar to the decision you have to make. Going back to the life you once had - when you thought he was yours and you planned a future with the man - in not an option anymore. Your only option is to chose the best from some bad options - one of which being that you can continue as you have been but accepting the role of OW and another being that you end all contact and walk away. As PhoenixRising said above, the end of this relationship is inevitable (in much the same way that her grandmother’s death and my mother’s passing was inevitable) - the question at this point is how long are you going to prolong the suffering? Of course, making the decision to end the relationship is painful and difficult but it is surely better than the suffering that you will endure if you stay and die a death of a thousand cuts... 

Edited June 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I need something for myself to prevent me from contacting him, and maybe hurt him in the process

For him to hurt the way you want him to, he'd need to care a lot more than he does. 

[Allupinnit]

Did you end up seeing the other guy?

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Did you end up seeing the other guy?

Yes 

[LShalcy]

On 6/4/2021 at 2:38 PM, Allupinnit said:

You'll go over there tonight wishing the ENTIRE TIME it was your MM you were going to see.  You might get drunk, sleep with this guy, the whole time stealing glances at your phone hoping to see *his* name.  Maybe you won't, and you'll spiral even more.  

Tomorrow morning maybe he'll be at the grocery store with his wife and you won't hear from him then, either.  You'll feel maybe hungover and regretful, hating yourself even more than you did already for sleeping with a man you don't even like, and you'll text the MM again looking for that little breadcrumb that will get you through the next hour or so.  And you'll want to see HIM again to sort of undo what you did the night before.  

And on it goes.  That's your weekend. 

So you were right. I do regret it.
 

Up to the last minute I wanted to cancel but I didn’t because I felt bad. On the way there, MM actually texted me (I did not text him first as I vowed I wouldn’t do)telling me he was tired at work etc etc and then started flirting as usual, sending memes and TikTok’s (I know). The last one he sent was meant to send to someone you want to have sex with so I asked him, “ really?” and he responded “yes”, and said that he had watched the video of our last time together and it was amazing along with a bunch of heart eye emojis. Then he said if I sent him a picture he would send me the videos.At this point I had arrived at “other guys” apartment so I couldn’t respond and it turned out I had terrible service there so I couldn’t even send any texts if I wanted to.

Yes, I ended up drinking a little (not enough to be hungover though) and I regretfully did sleep with “other guy”. He was really nice and very sweet and this morning before I left he asked if I wanted to hang out again today or tonight. But on the way home, of course I texted MM and he responded as usual but there has been no response since (around 930) and it’s already past 3 and a beautiful day outside so all I can think is that he’s out with his wife and daughter 🥺. And I also feel guilty about what happened (even though  I shouldn’t l) because I like him but it’s no comparison  between him and MM so I guess I used him to feel less lonely and get back at MM 🥺

 

[LShalcy]

I just keep making terrible choices and I am so thankful for this board because I see I’m not alone, and people are helpful even if sometimes a little tough And I’m crying because of MM. I just hate this life. 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

it’s already past 3 and a beautiful day outside so all I can think is that he’s out with his wife and daughter

I hope you take your children outside and have some fun with them. 

[LShalcy]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

I hope you take your children outside and have some fun with them. 

My sister took them for me.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

My sister took them for me.

Aunties are the best! But seriously, don’t waste your weekend perseverating on this MM. 

Yes, he is no doubt enjoying the day with his family. Just as you should be enjoying the day with yours...

It’s a beautiful day here too. I would do literally anything to be at my brothers swimming in the pool with my little nieces and nephew. But, we have a lockdown here and I am not allowed to visit their home right now. Go and have fun with your sister and your kids this weekend - they need you and you need them! 

Edited June 5, 2021 by BaileyB