Author LShalcy Posted June 7, 2021 Author Share Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) 32 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said: How many more times will you jump into the fire to see if it will burn? How fair are you being to your kids? They should be your concern. Just texting him today is breaking my heart because he’s acting like everything is normal - and it’s not. It’s just meaningless because what do we have? We can’t go on a vacation together, we can’t spend multiple nights in a row together. I’m just living for his texts & when I get to see him. I need to do better, especially for my 13 year old because she shouldn’t think this is what relationships should look like. Her father and I had a very volatile relationship before it ended (and yes, both of my kids have the same father - we separated and then reconciled before separating for good). She needs to see her mother in a stable relationship. The first thing I need to do is get plan b tomorrow to ensure I don’t get pregnant by this guy I barely know from Friday. And then figure out how to cut this MM out of my life - even though the idea is killing me. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, when I just wish so badly that I could be with him. Edited June 7, 2021 by LShalcy Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 12 minutes ago, LShalcy said: I need to do better, especially for my 13 year old because she shouldn’t think this is what relationships should look like. No, she should not. 13 minutes ago, LShalcy said: She needs to see her mother in a stable relationship. Yes, she does. But first, she needs to see her mother happy and healthy - as a single woman. Let’s not teach her that she needs a man in her life to be happy and to feel validated. Let’s teach her to find that for herself, through your example. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 Op, I have to say after reading both your threads that your mental health is what’s glaringly obvious. Your reckless behavior is honestly concerning. I think it would be in your best interest to immediately see a doctor. Ask for some mental illness screenings - bipolar, depression, ptsd. Because it sounds like you have a mix of all three at this point. This behavior isn’t sustainable. You need help putting things in perspective. I hope you see a doctor pronto as well as find someone you can confide in: a friend, family member perhaps? Anonymous Internet forum advice can only go so far. Get help from professionals. Like yesterday. After you get help and stabilized, you’ll be able to see things clearer and can make better decisions - both for yourself and your children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, LShalcy said: The first thing I need to do is get plan b tomorrow to ensure I don’t get pregnant by this guy I barely know from Friday. And also get tested for STIs and HIV. I have to say, the way you talk about all of this reminds me of a rebellious teenager showing off how cool they think they are by being so "dangerous." Edited June 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, LShalcy said: I didn’t mind him filming us because I thought I had a future with this man. When did taking pornographic videos, equate to a man who you would choose to share your future with? He thinks very little of you, that is why he films you, that is why he lied to you. He thinks - If you stick around, that is fine, if you don't stick around then that is fine too. That is why he is not bending over backwards to say sorry to you. You don't matter to him. He doesn't see you as relationship material, you are just a disposable, gullible woman he uses for sex and "titillation". Your little jaunt to have sex with some random, will merely underline what he already thinks of you. Edited June 7, 2021 by elaine567 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 13 hours ago, LShalcy said: divorce is so common these days - why don’t MM ever get divorced if they’re cheating on their wives?! Because why would they? They have a woman at home giving him the perfect illusion of a normal, respectable man to society. Someone who loves him, cares for him, likely does his dirty laundry, etc.... and then he gets to have a side piece or pieces to to live out his hedonistic ways. And this is highly apparent in his desire to film and talk dirty with you often. 8 hours ago, LShalcy said: Just texting him today is breaking my heart because he’s acting like everything is normal He is acting like this because he sees you nothing but a pleasure toy. He doesn't want to talk about the deep stuff. He simply doesn't care about your hurt. It is all about him and his pleasure. Get angry that he is using you, and don't allow him to keep him getting ego boosts and thrills at your expense. 8 hours ago, BaileyB said: , she does. But first, she needs to see her mother happy and healthy - as a single woman And to add to what BaileyB said, she needs to see you be a strong, independent woman. She needs to see that sometimes you can be not ok, but you can't live there. Show her that she can get through hard times. You CAN be strong!!!! You ARE strong... find that strength and self respect! 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LShalcy Posted June 7, 2021 Author Share Posted June 7, 2021 26 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Your little jaunt to have sex with some random, will merely underline what he already thinks of you. I’m not planning to tell him about that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, LShalcy said: its so unfair for one person to do that to someone else. Indeed, it was unfair of him to do that to you. It’s even more unfair to your children that their mother has chosen a man over her children. What are you going to do this week to find a better path for yourself - besides getting yourself some emergency contraception? Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 1 hour ago, LShalcy said: its so unfair for one person to do that to someone else. If you really thought that, you wouldn’t be carrying on with this guy as if that revelation hadn’t happened. You can’t have it both ways. Either this dude is evil incarnate, doing terrible things to a poor unsuspecting mother of small children…. Or he’s someone you enjoy spending time with, are happy to trust with intimate pictures and videos of sexual encounters, and still envision a future with. If the former, you’d have dropped him instantly, taken out some kind of order to recover any and all intimate pictures and videos, and made sure he was unable to contact you ever again… (and notified the dating site he picked you up on that he’s married, so they can prevent him deceiving other women), *at the very least*. If the latter, you can’t continue to blame him in any way for your behaviour. Yes, he did deceive you - but by continuing to see him, to have unprotected sex with him, to send him pictures and to consent to being filmed by him, etc, you have become an accomplice. You are no longer a victim. You now share his guilt and share the responsibility for everything that happens not only to you, but to the other victims of this situation (his BW and other unknowing GFs, his kid, your kids, etc). Pick one, and own it. You can’t pretend both are true, because they aren’t and can’t be. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 14 hours ago, LShalcy said: he doesn’t want to hurt me So he says. People who don’t want to hurt other people don’t actively lie to them and deceive them, and don’t use them in the way he carelessly uses everyone around him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 13 hours ago, LShalcy said: he’s acting like everything is normal - and it’s not. oh, but it is. Everything about your behaviour is reassuring him of that. As you yourself said, 14 hours ago, LShalcy said: I was just happy to be with him again. Pick one. You can’t have it both ways. Either everything has changed, as you say, or nothing has - as you do. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 13 hours ago, LShalcy said: Her father and I had a very volatile relationship before it ended This MM is not your first poor relationship decision. This isn’t about him, or about him deceiving you. This is about you choosing poorly - repeatedly. We don’t know you, or know about you, beyond what you’ve posted on your two threads. But so far, we know of: 1) kids’ father 2) MM 3) unprotected sex with random (Friday guy). This is a pattern. You are damaging not only yourself and your future, but also your daughters. You dismiss counselling, but honestly, without professional help I just don’t see you recovering from this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 I think you may need to take a man-hiatus for at least one year. These "relationships" are destroying you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 On 6/5/2021 at 10:03 PM, LShalcy said: I know it’s not good for my kids to see me so upset and just laying in bed. I took my youngest out this morning and we played a little in the backyard, but that’s all I could do. I don’t have the energy for anything else. It sounds like less a case of not having energy at all, more a case of expending your energy elsewhere. Would it be possible for your sister to take the children on a full time basis? It sounds as though she's better equipped and more committed to caring for them than you are. Also, if she were to take them, then it would free you up to spend 100% of your time thinking about what your married man is doing with his family...without the inconvenience of your own children interrupting your tormented laments with their needs. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) So then what are you going to do differently going forward? It is hard to watch you complain about how much you hurt when you keep making (knowing, intentional) choices that hurt you. Until you commit to positive changes this will just keep happening. Edited June 7, 2021 by lana-banana 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) 59 minutes ago, LShalcy said: last night I texted him and didn’t hear back until this morning. So what was he doing all night?! 😡. Probably enjoying a beautiful summer evening with his family and then having sex with his wife. How is it that you feel entitled to interrupt their evening? 59 minutes ago, LShalcy said: I would so much rather have never found out about MM because this event has really upended things for me. I do believe that you would have preferred to remain ignorant, much easier to deny reality than deal with it. 55 minutes ago, lana-banana said: It is hard to watch you complain about how much you hurt when you keep making (knowing, intentional) choices that hurt you. Very much so. In much the same way that a toddler throws a tantrum when they can’t get their way or a teen complains about how unfair “life” is when they can’t get what they want, it’s definitely not attractive to see a grown woman do the same. Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 57 minutes ago, LShalcy said: No one in my real life knows anything about this, this is the only outlet I have. Maybe people in your real life need to know about this affair and what you're doing. It may give you more accountability if not to you but to your kids. Do you want your 13 year old daughter to think this is how a grown woman is supposed to handle herself over some man? An a MM at that. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 1 hour ago, LShalcy said: and then last night I texted him and didn’t hear back until this morning. So what was he doing all night?! 😡 Sleeping? Just a guess... 1 hour ago, LShalcy said: I haven’t even answered and I’m going to force myself to not respond to him today. Baby steps. But yeah if you're going to end this, gotta start somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Baby steps. But yeah if you're going to end this, gotta start somewhere. Except, she’s not really ending it. She is playing games. She is withdrawing and going silent in an attempt to get his attention. She is trying to “punish” him. In much the same way that she had sex with the other man last weekend - it’s all a ploy to get his attention, a desperate attempt to try and regain some control, or at the very least make him step up to show that he cares... It feels terrible when you have no power, no control, in a relationship - doesn’t it OP? Not many options left for you... Edited June 7, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: It feels terrible when you have no power, no control, in a relationship - doesn’t it OP? Not many options left for you... Imagine how the kids must feel ... 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 9 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said: Imagine how the kids must feel ... Well, consider the fact that this post said: Quote Would it be possible for your sister to take the children on a full time basis? It sounds as though she's better equipped and more committed to caring for them than you are. And the response was: Quote I would so much rather have never found out about MM because this event has really upended things for me. All I could think this weekend was that he is obviously sleeping with his wife and just blatantly lying to me when he said wasn’t seeing anyone else. I couldn’t contain my anger. And then last night I texted him and didn’t hear back until this morning. So what was he doing all night?! . 😡 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 17 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Except, she’s not really ending it. She is playing games. Perhaps. I think sometimes "playing games" is or at least can be a precursor to ending things. OP is an adult and will make her own choices. If she chooses not to end things but to engage by "playing games" instead - well, that is her choice. Certainly doesn't seem like the healthiest way to maintain a relationship and is perhaps a ultimately essentially a waste of time, but c'est la vie. There is plenty of this in the world, really, affair or no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 OP, what do you see happening, here? You KNOW he's not going to leave his wife. You KNOW he doesn't want anything to change between you. He wants his bit on the side, like he's had for two solid years. He's fine JUST the way things are. He'll keep baiting the hook to keep you where he wants you. He'll tell you what you want to hear (except the words "I love you and I'm leaving my wife for you." - You'll never hear those words @LShalcy.) You, on the other hand are on the precipice - your career is in danger, your sobriety is in danger, your health is in danger (both mental and physical), and your decisions are putting the welfare of your children in danger! You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and sort this out once and for all. I don't believe in playing a part in D-Day, but for crying out loud, if that's what it will take for you to SNAP out of this, maybe you SHOULD tell his wife about his true nature. I mean, your life is blowing up and he doesn't care. Maybe he'd leave you ALONE at the prospect of HIS life blowing up. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 Except she still loves and wants him and believes he doesn't want to hurt her. It's all about her, her pain, her suffering ... her kids? Well I haven't seen much concern there from her ... We are wasting our time I fear. What I actually fear is the well being and long term effects on her children, what she is teaching them. they have no choice in any of this. If I knew where she lived or who she is, I would contact child protective services. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 1 hour ago, LShalcy said: and then last night I texted him and didn’t hear back until this morning. So what was he doing all night?! 😡. Spending time with his wife. Remember, you are now choosing this for yourself. Get angry is silly when you opted to go down this road after finding out he was married. He doesn't owe you any communication or explanation for what he does with his time at this point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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