torn_heart Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, LShalcy said: But why can’t you be with your OW if you want to be? That’s both so selfish and so unfair, and not only to the OW, but to your wife. Because, as so many people here have said, it's not only about love, it's also the aftermath you have to deal with afterwards. There are other things that make it difficult for me to end things with my gf, but mainly is: 1. I love her (yes I know people don't believe it even though right now I want to be with my OW) 2. She is going through a rough patch in her life like she lost her job recently and has almost no friends (yes, maybe it's also an excuse for me) 3. The change in all my social dynamic without her, as many here have said, what you have with your AP is like a capsule outside of normal time and space, you don't really know how it's gonna be a real relationship with that AP, and for whoever is in a relationship it's a bet they need to make. With my OW we fantasized some of these dynamics but still, you don't know. And to make things even more difficult, my OW made me promise to never tell my gf about the affair, this because if we get into a relationship she doesn't want to be seen as the "home wrecker" even though some actions she took recently (before the deal) made me think she no longer cares about that. My OW is not waiting for me and you shouldn't wait for your MM. Edited June 13, 2021 by torn_heart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, LShalcy said: How can I move on from this? How can you not move on from this? It’s so hurtful and so unfair for him to do this to you. Why do you allow him to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, LShalcy said: He seems to know exactly what to say to me. Indeed. He plays you like a fiddle… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, LShalcy said: How can I move on from this? By realizing he does not love you and does not respect you. He plays you like a fiddle. By realizing the future you dream of is not going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Indeed. He plays you like a fiddle… Great minds think alike! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 8 hours ago, LShalcy said: Last year we were together on his birthday, and he told me today that I was the best birthday present he ever got. Sounds like teenage stuff again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 8 hours ago, LShalcy said: he texted me that tomorrow is his birthday and he doesn’t want to do anything, because he can’t see me. Last year we were together on his birthday, and he told me today that I was the best birthday present he ever got. How can I move on from this? He seems to know exactly what to say to me. I’m so sad 🥺 Oh, please. He has a nice birthday lined up with his wife and kid, even if it's just a card and maybe his favorite meal. Or he's having some beers and barbecue with his friends. What do you get? A single text message before he goes about his day. And you're satisfied with that? Would you be satisfied with a friend who regularly treated you like dirt but then sent you texts about how much she cares? Probably not, right? So why do you think so little of yourself that you'll accept his *words* about how great you are when his *actions* indicate he doesn't care much at all? 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Best birthday present ever this year, he doesn't need to lie, nor pander to you to keep you sweet.. He can spend his birthday doing whatever he wants and you have been relegated to the other woman spot. "See you later darling, you do understand don't you?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, lana-banana said: Would you be satisfied with a friend who regularly treated you like dirt but then sent you texts about how much she cares? Probably not, right? So why do you think so little of yourself that you'll accept his *words* about how great you are when his *actions* indicate he doesn't care much at all? One of the posters here frequently talks about how MM have it so much easier than single men. Past the initial honeymoon phase when everyone is having fun, the relationship is established and he begins to balance life with two women (this is what your guy is now doing). His goal is then to maintain the relationship and he does this in part by offering the occasional words of love, lamenting about how much he misses his AP - words easily said and cherished by many women who in turn, take it from there to support the idea of this fantasy relationship and build a fantasy life that often requires very little from MM to maintain. In that way, he plays you like a fiddle. What’s more, MM have it easier than single men because they treat their affairs partner badly - offering very little of his time, missing all the major holidays and events in life, communicating only when convenient for him, never taking his partner out on a real date, not able to meet his affair partners friends or family, etc… and the women - they stick around. Amazingly they stick around because she is “addicted” and she can’t help it because she “loves him so much.” She convinces herself that the little he offers is gold! When really, if she was single she would be on this site complaining about the inconsistency/lack of communication, or he won’t put any effort into a relationship and take me on a proper date, he just wants to stay home and have sex all the time, and he won’t commit to me - he keeps putting me off hen we talk about moving forward together in life. Single women wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior for very long but in an affair, she feels like she’s really got something! Something worth fighting for… Something worth holding onto… Edited June 13, 2021 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 The inconsistency is the basis for the "intermittent reinforcement" one of the most powerful manipulation tactics on the planet. The craziness, the longing, the pining, the addiction are all part of the consequences of that manipulation. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The inconsistency is the basis for the "intermittent reinforcement" one of the most powerful manipulation tactics on the planet. The craziness, the longing, the pining, the addiction are all part of the consequences of that manipulation. I’ve said it before, but in studies related to attachment theory - children are placed into three groups, those who have a consistent and secure attachment with their parents, those who are neglected by their parents, and those who have an inconsistent attachment (ie. parents are sometimes loving and attentive, other times not). The children who have the most difficult time, the most challenging behavior, the most mental health issues, the most difficulty having a healthy relationship are the children who have an inconsistent attachment with their parents. It messes them up such that even those who were neglected by their parents have better outcomes. Edited June 13, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Nothing will change until YOU change it. He isn’t going to. Why would he. You have 3 choices: kick him to the curb as he is married. Deal with the pain. It will eventually subside. He has not even acknowledged anything has changed. If you’re waiting for him to choose you, you will wait a very long time. accept what you are - the other woman and enjoy the sex and whatever crumbs he throws your way. No point in obsessing over his marriage and deception. They are what they are and obsessing just makes it worse. Acceptance of your lot will minimize the drama and pain. continue on your trajectory wanting explanations, commitment and a future with a callous liar. This ultimately prolongs your agony and at this point you are choosing to do it to yourself. He has no need to feel guilty about your pain because it’s all out in the open yet here you are. I doubt he ever would feel guilty in any case. There are no other choices. You have chosen the most unhealthy option because you have chosen to let him “run the show”. You can say it isn’t your choice but remember, not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. Are you really going to wait until it all blows up with a Dday or your family finding out you are just a side chick? You think they will respect you, especially you teen daughter? It was one thing that you were duped. Now you know, yet here you are. It won’t be worth it when you experience the fall out - it will be so much worse. If you think you’re falling apart now, just wait. This will feel like a walk in the park. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 1 hour ago, PhoenixRising8 said: Are you really going to wait until it all blows up with a Dday or your family finding out you are just a side chick? You think they will respect you, especially you teen daughter? It was one thing that you were duped. Worst case scenario? Dday and he drops you like a hot potato. She seeks vengeance, your family, friends and school board finds out, intimate videos are disclosed and you lose everything that REALLY matters. Imagine that, for your own sake. It is not unlikely in the least. Maybe not all of those happenings, but some combination, all of which are devastating. The OW thinks it’s possible things will work out. Sure, anything is possible. The more salient question is, “is it probable”? Odds in betting are based on probability, not possibility, because anything is possible, but not probable. He duped you for 2 years, lying to 2 women. He is going as though nothing is different when everything is. In the case of Dday, he will do some fancy foot work and likely walk away with minimal consequence while you are decimated. You’re an educated woman. Surely you know this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 1 hour ago, PhoenixRising8 said: Surely you know this. Knowing it and actually accepting it are two very different things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LShalcy Posted June 14, 2021 Author Share Posted June 14, 2021 So he *finally* acknowledge the existence of a wife. i almost slipped and told him about last weekend and said that I almost went out with someone else. he demanded to know if this was someone I was attracted to, what could possibly tempt me to cheat (?) on him and he doesn’t know what would happen if I were to see someone else. He tells me, “you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. He has never said the word “wife” to me. He then repeats that he doesn’t want me to see anyone. else, and he’s trying to work on it but it’s so difficult. I know why it’s difficult — because you’re married! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 (edited) 38 minutes ago, LShalcy said: “you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. He’s assuming that you consider sex as the measure of a good partnership. He’s much more sexually inhibited with you - you should be so pleased. It’s a gift - you lucky girl! You rise above the rest, because you allow him to do things that he would never do with his wife/she would never allow. He has it backward. You don’t get to do half the things he does with his wife - and that is the problem. You are thinking “relationship” and he is thinking “sex.” How’s that double standard working for you? You are not permitted to “cheat” on him while he has been “cheating” on you with his wife (well, I guess that is reversed now) for the past two years. In other words, do as I say, not as I do. He is a prize alright. Future happiness is yours to have - just as soon as he figures out how to leave his wife. Of course, that is until he becomes bored with the sex and he goes searching on another dating site for another woman… Edited June 14, 2021 by BaileyB 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 (edited) 50 minutes ago, LShalcy said: So he *finally* acknowledge the existence of a wife. i almost slipped and told him about last weekend and said that I almost went out with someone else. he demanded to know if this was someone I was attracted to, what could possibly tempt me to cheat (?) on him and he doesn’t know what would happen if I were to see someone else. He tells me, “you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. He has never said the word “wife” to me. He then repeats that he doesn’t want me to see anyone. else, and he’s trying to work on it but it’s so difficult. I know why it’s difficult — because you’re married! You are still talking to him? Sheez! 😤 you know, he’s never going to respect you because you don’t even respect yourself - enough to get rid of a guy who is ONLY using you! and then he has the nerve to state you shouldn’t be jealous because ……. 😣🤮 and then HE tells YOU he doesn’t want you dating anyone else? Come on! God, you should be flaming mad! YOU are a single gal! YOU should be capable of dating anyone available that you want to!!!!! WHY are you allowing HIM (this total jerk!) to have ANY input on what you do or don’t do? HE is married! HE has NO say whatsoever!! stop allowing him to have ALL of YOUR power! get a healthy boundary and stick to it! A healthy boundary should never include sleeping with someone else’s spouse! He married HER and he doesn’t intend to leave her! stop contacting him in ANY way - that way you make room for an available man in your life! clearly he’s selfish and self centered! He doesn’t want you finding anyone else because he expects to have two women fulfilling all his needs. What a total jerk! Edited June 14, 2021 by S2B 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 This guy is so gross. On every level. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 3 hours ago, LShalcy said: I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. He seems like a complete jerk. You can do much better than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 Do not mistake jealousy for love or caring. They are completely separate. Most men are jealous of other men, whether they feel something for the woman or not. Most fwb relationships involve men playing the field and being open to other relationships/hook ups but most men do NOT want the woman to be doing the same. They don't want to be compared, to compete, to be getting sloppy seconds. Do they love? No. Do they care? No. Are they jealous and territorial? YES... This guy does not want you seeing other men as he wants to keep you at his beck and call for his consumption only. You are HIS sex toy, he gets to pick you up and play with you when HE wants to. He knows sex means a lot to you, he is thus playing on the idea that sex = love. He has "better" sex with you, hence you assume he loves you more. WRONG! it doesn't work like that. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 8 hours ago, LShalcy said: “you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. Of course not. She is the mother of his child, the woman he loves (assuming he is even capable of that). He "makes love" to her. He may even respect her to some degree (albeit not enough not to cheat on her). With you, he is free to act out his sexual fantasies... and film them. He loves having a sex object on the side, but this is not who he plans to make a life with. Look up Madonna/Whore Complex. She is the Madonna: "my love". 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: Do not mistake jealousy for love or caring. So much this. He wants his plaything all to himself. From a practical perspective, he has invested quite a lot into you: first, he had 2 years of skulking about, hiding the existence of his wife. Now, it's out in the open and he is no doubt delighted to learn that your knowledge of his wife has made absolutely no difference: you are still texting, having sex, making films, etc. Imagine how much work it would be to have to groom a new plaything if you were to meet someone new and leave him. He believes, apparently correctly, that you do not have the self-respect or self-preservation to leave of your own volition, but he's less certain that you'd stick around if you were to meet a new man who might actually care about you. Don't for a minute think this is love. 7 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 On 6/12/2021 at 3:37 AM, ExpatInItaly said: I agree. You need to see reality here, OP. He does all of these things and so much more with his wife. What you saw of him is just a fraction of who he is. He has a whole daily life that you do not factor into. It's best not to deny that to yourself. OP, This is so true. You are not seeing who he really is. You're seeing the tiny sliver of his world. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 On 6/12/2021 at 10:56 PM, LShalcy said: Just a post to vent and because I’m so sad, I'm sorry. Tonight is bad. Not only did I wish MM was with me at my sisters dinner, and that she was with someone who was truly hers, he texted me that tomorrow is his birthday and he doesn’t want to do anything, because he can’t see me. Last year we were together on his birthday, and he told me today that I was the best birthday present he ever got. How can I move on from this? He seems to know exactly what to say to me. I’m so sad 🥺 You're mistaking words for feelings. Words are easy, especially texting. He can send you his sad words and depressing emojis and then turn around and tell his wife he loves her while giving her a huge hug and kiss. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 He "finally" acknowledges the existence of a wife? Didn't he tell you this a month ago? Why would you expect him to bring her up? At any rate, you are focused on the wrong point. He's not cheating because he's unhappy or in a bad marriage. He is not looking for a replacement, he's looking for an addition. He's just cheating so he can get extra uninhibited fetish sex. The question is, why are you content to be his sex object? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 10 hours ago, LShalcy said: So he *finally* acknowledge the existence of a wife. i almost slipped and told him about last weekend and said that I almost went out with someone else. he demanded to know if this was someone I was attracted to, what could possibly tempt me to cheat (?) on him and he doesn’t know what would happen if I were to see someone else. He tells me, “you shouldn’t be jealous because I don’t do half the things I do with you to my wife”. He has never said the word “wife” to me. He then repeats that he doesn’t want me to see anyone. else, and he’s trying to work on it but it’s so difficult. I know why it’s difficult — because you’re married! It really must be difficult. It was probably SO much easier when you thought he was single (though you suspected.....) Are you able to step outside this situation and look at it from the outside at all? If you did, you would see just how little he thinks of you - telling you not to be jealous because he doesn't do half the things to his wife that he does with you. In the same breath, he tells you he doesn't want you to see anyone else....as if he loves you SO much, he can't bear to think of you with another man....puullleeezzzeee. Tell me you're not falling for that nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
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