After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He wasn’t horrible to me

Yes, he was horrible to you. You need to wake up. 

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

i know he’s a good father

No. He used his own child as bait in a plot that could blow up her whole family. That is not what good fathers do. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I was ignoring those things that made me pause and think and question.

And what exactly were those things?

You haven't really answered that, except to say you've never been to his house and didn't spend holidays with him. 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

. I spent two birthdays (his) with him, two valentines days with him (I know that means nothing but still). Why would he not want to spend those days with his wife? Why, obviously make up some lie to spend those days with me? I wouldn’t see him for every holiday but I saw him for enough and yes, I was ignoring those things that made me pause and think and question.

He is not stupid he was leading a double life, he HAD to convince you that what the two of you had was real.
You expected him  to spend significant events with you, as you were his one and only. So it was I guess easer to spend time with you and lie to his wife than the other way around.
By the very nature of the relationship he had with you, he needed to keep you on board, and unsuspecting.
He probably didn't need to work so hard with his wife, as she is going nowhere.
Cheating men are good liars - he had to work, he was staying with a mate, he needs space, he fabricates arguments and stomps out of the house, so he can get away...
His wife  may be used to him being out of the house, or maybe he bent over backwards to make it up to her,  remember he needs to keep her unsuspecting too...

Birthdays are interesting, how do you know it was actually his birthday or was that just a lie?
Even if it was the right date, he may still have celebrated his birthday with her on another day... apologising profusely...

I know you want to minimise and ignore the wife, but she was a very real and present part of his double life...
Men in affairs can be remarkably unimaginative, so you may need to consider that the things he does for you may be exactly the same as he does for her.
Many of these guys are conflict avoidant.
He tells you what you want to hear to make you feel special....
 He tells her what she wants to hear to make her feel special...

[Wiseman2]

Interestingly, he's the lying creep here but you seem to be getting beaten up.

Step back and reflect on what you want going forward now that the truth came out.

Keep in mind cheaters are their own special kind of lying animals, but don't take the heat for his lies. Just dump him.

[Starswillshine]

Let me give some insight on this type of man...

My ex-husband had a few chicks that he told he was divorced and single. Let me tell you a little something about him..... I found some notes one day of a book he wanted to write. The book was all about manipulating women. The big misconception is that men want to hit it and quit it, so to speak. One main point he made (and he was going to devote an entire portion of the book) was to make the woman feel he is interested in them. Ask a lot of questions. Get a lot of details. It does 2 things,  1) makes her feel important, like you care. Especially since most men do not care to listen about a woman go on and on. 2) you get all the information needed to cater your approach/plan to be the most effective to score her admiration, attention, sex, etc. 

We throw around psychopath a lot around here. Most people arent high on the spectrum. My ex husband was. The things you are saying are pretty close to my ex husband. And he has left nothing but destruction in the path of all the women he has conned over the years. And he will NEVER allow anyone to leave his life. It does not matter any ugly thing you say or do, he will ALWAYS act like nothing happened and keep with his happy self. And keep on pursuing. 

It is up to you to end this before you waste more days in your life. Yes, it is hard as hell... but you have to go through it to get to the other side. Don't try to ween yourself slowly. Just get it over with. Rip the darn bandaid off. 

 

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He wasn’t horrible to me.

People are multi-faceted.   You are not an idiot.  You would not have stayed with a man who treated you poorly to your face.  But it's a weighted analysis -- him spending birthdays & holidays with you doesn't make up for him lying to you for two years about being MARRIED. 

Honestly I don't understand why you aren't just done & pi$$ed.  The second I found out a switch would have flipped in my heart & head.  That information would never allow me to look at him the same way again, ever.  He would be so ugly & undesirable in my eyes.  All I'd ever be able to see is the ugly lie & that he had so little respect for me that he thought he was entitled to use me & make a fool of me.  Rather then crying over what I "lost" I'd be beating myself up trying to figure out how I could have been soooooo stupid as to let some jerk pull the wool over my eyes for so long.

I really don't understand why you are defending him & continuing to accept his texts especially when they minimize his active & on-going deceit & contain no mention of the status quo changing.  Because this has been working for him so long -- you being his side piece -- he sees no reason why it shouldn't continue now that you know the truth.  He thinks you should just accept being second best.  I'd be practically homicidal in your shoes not weepy & non-functional.  

Find your self esteem & be done with him.   Seriously, anger is a much more productive emotion.  

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The second I found out a switch would have flipped in my heart & head.  That information would never allow me to look at him the same way again, ever.  He would be so ugly & undesirable in my eyes.  All I'd ever be able to see is the ugly lie & that he had so little respect for me that he thought he was entitled to use me & make a fool of me.  Rather then crying over what I "lost" I'd be beating myself up trying to figure out how I could have been soooooo stupid as to let some jerk pull the wool over my eyes for so long.

I agree.

The saying “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” comes to mind. I would be so angry with him, I would never be able to look at him or listen to him without thinking about his deception and betrayal. I simply could not hold any love for this man in my heart anymore. And, I would be disappointed with myself... furious with myself because I had been so naive - I had ignored the warning signs.

I would also be sick to my stomach about those pictures and videos. It likely wouldn’t do anything, because he likely has multiple copies... but, I would be demanding that he delete them as soon as possible. You see those videos as a sign of love - he misses me so much, he watches my videos, I am so special and he loves me so much... Not true. As starswillshine says, he is likely celebrating the fact that he got you to make them. What a coup! I’m sure they are very exciting for him - they are proof that he has succeeded in earning your trust - he has you right where he wants you!  He has something that you can likely never get back. You now have to trust that he will not share them with the world. You have to trust a man who has purposefully deceived you for the last two years. That would make me very upset. 

Edited May 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[FMW]

To be fair to the OP, unless you've actually been in that situation, you don't know exactly what you would be feeling.  Of course we all want to think that we would just automatically shut the door and never look back, or even be in that position to begin with.     

BUT - that doesn't change that the advice that's being given is solid and the OP needs to take what's being said to heart.  No matter what she feels and how difficult it is, what she needs to do is stay away from him.  Hopefully she'll accept that very soon. 

[Starswillshine]

OP, I also understand the bargaining going on in your head. I did it, too. My ex-husband seemed to treat me amazingly, as well. He was very attentive, affectionate, and anything I could ever want, he was willing to give (so I thought). He showered me with admiration; he would tell everyone we were around how much he loved me, how lucky he was to have me, etc. 

So when I was hit with the fact that he had been having an affair, I was shocked. I tried really hard to move past it. When I found out he was still in contact with her, I was devastated... then found out she was not the only one... I, for a brief moment in time, tried to bargain with myself... that if I just ignore what happens when he is gone, I can still have my beautiful life. You see, my ex-husband is extremely successful (as many psychopaths are.. many Fortune 500 CEOs are psychopaths, for instance). I had all I could ever need and want materially. We had multiple children. Shared decades together. Homes, vacations, traveled the world, etc. Walking away, meant giving that all up. I had only stayed home with my kids... So I get it. But whereas my ex-husband was providing for me in many ways, what are you really getting out of this relationship? False pretenses of love? Attention? He isn't really giving you anything... just taking from you precious time and self worth... and giving lots of pain. 

Somethings that I have heard directly from my ex-husband:

- No person can ever deliver everything you want in another person. It would be impossible. So you have many people, in his case women, to fit those roles. I played the wife role. He wouldn't dare act in the manner with me as he did with his mistresses (in bed). I was the more adventurous one, and he just could not cross certain lines. When I heard some of the things he had did with his OW, I asked him about it... he said he just didn't feel comfortable pushing me in those ways because I was wife who he loves and respected, and it felt disrespectful to treat his wife and mother of his kids in those ways. All the OW that I know of are really different than me. He had to have the other side of a woman that he was not comfortable with me being. 

- Every person in his life is there to serve a purpose. If you cannot be of any service to him, he discards you. Period. He sees people as only means as, "What can they do for me." Love is not like this. Think about the things you do for your children. Sometimes we will wear ourselves out running in circles to provide and give to our children with absolutely nothing in return. That is love. Even in the case of your MM, and my ex-husband, kids are being used and to serve a purpose in their affairs. I thought my ex-husband was a good father, too... but good fathers don't use their children this way. It would be a boundary that would not be crossed. 

It took a long time for me to pull myself away from my ex-husband. Years. And thousands of dollars of therapy. And a couple near suicide attempts. These types of people will ruin you and take everything from you if you let him. Please, get out while it has only been 2 years... 

[d0nnivain]

11 minutes ago, FMW said:

To be fair to the OP, unless you've actually been in that situation, you don't know exactly what you would be feeling.  Of course we all want to think that we would just automatically shut the door and never look back, or even be in that position to begin with.    

I wasn't in the exact situation  I knew the guy I was dating was technically still married but he was legitimately separated . . had different addresses etc.  He filed for divorce but when he lied to me & told me the divorce had been granted when it wasn't, as soon as I found out that switch I talked about flipped.  When I saw him next, a few hours later, I calmly & coldly told him what I had sound out, that I was done, nothing he could do would change my mind & he had one week to get his stuff packed & out of my house / life.   I ended up giving him a few days extension to get the movers etc but that was a purely logistical issue.   I was so ice cold in my delivery & so dead inside that I practically gave myself & the dog frostbite. I think that was the most furious I had ever been in my whole life but it was like everything especially my heart turned to pure ice & it was way scarier & a lot more deadly then any white hot rage I'd ever experienced.    So yeah I know exactly what I would do in her shoes.  

[FMW]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

So yeah I know exactly what I would do in her shoes.  

I appreciate your experience.  I've never been able to flip a switch that quickly unless it was a casual situation.  If I've really loved someone, I don't ever go completely cold.  I just aim for keeping them out of my life.  

[LShalcy]

46 minutes ago, FMW said:

I appreciate your experience.  I've never been able to flip a switch that quickly unless it was a casual situation.  If I've really loved someone, I don't ever go completely cold.  I just aim for keeping them out of my life.  

Thank you for this. Everyone is saying to just completely cut him off but it is not that easy because it wasn’t a causal situation (for me anyway, and he would tell me it wasn’t for him either). How can I just go from talking to someone practically all day, to never talking to them? He is carrying on like normal, even saying more than usual actually (I guess to get me to continue on as well). I can’t just shut that off. 

 

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

but good fathers don't use their children this way. It would be a boundary that would not be crossed. 

I don’t see anything wrong with him sending me pictures of him and his daughter together throughout the day. I didn’t see pictures of them playing with dolls and think, “now I definitely have to sleep with him!” He was showing me what he was doing with her, her Halloween costumes, playing dress up etc. I don’t see this as using his child as “bait” and I don’t think this shows he’s a bad father.  

 

12 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

You're falling apart because he is your drug and you are addicted to him.  This type of addiction is worse than heroin withdrawal in some cases, you are literally sick.  I'll bet you aren't sleeping nor eating, and your entire being is consumed by thoughts of him, right?  This is you in the thick of the illness.  Incapable of operating normally.  This sounds poetic in trashy novels but your life is in chaos and out of your control.  You are thrashing about, vulnerable, and easily picked apart by wolves.  You need saving.

Does he have some magnificent penis?  You don't answer a lot of pointed questions regarding the nature of your affair.  I find it's what you're not saying here that is very telling.  

Based on your definition of addiction (not eating, sleeping, all consuming thoughts), then I guess I am addicted but no need to be so callous about it. And no it’s not about a “magnificent penis” as you say, because if a woman just wants sex with someone (or multiple someone’s) it’s really not very hard to find that. 

Edited May 18, 2021 by LShalcy

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

don’t see anything wrong with him sending me pictures of him and his daughter together throughout the day. I didn’t see pictures of them playing with dolls and think, “now I definitely have to sleep with him!” He was showing me what he was doing with her, her Halloween costumes, playing dress up etc. I don’t see this as using his child as “bait” and I don’t think this shows he’s a bad father.  

He is using his daughter as a way to normalize himself. As a good father and good man. To mask the real person he is. 

[Allupinnit]

Just now, LShalcy said:

Thank you for this. Everyone is saying to just completely cut him off but it is not that easy because it wasn’t a causal situation (for me anyway, and he would tell me it wasn’t for him either). How can I just go from talking to someone practically all day, to never talking to them? He is carrying on like normal, even saying more than usual actually (I guess to get me to continue on as well). I can’t just shut that off. 

 

I don’t see anything wrong with him sending me pictures of him and his daughter together throughout the day. I didn’t see pictures of them playing with dolls and think, “now I definitely have to sleep with him!” He was showing me what he was doing with her, her Halloween costumes, playing dress up etc. I don’t see this as using his child as “bait” and I don’t think this shows he’s a bad father.  

 

Based on your definition of addiction (not eating, sleeping, all consuming thoughts), then I guess I am addicted but no need to be so callous about it. And no it’s not about a “magnificent penis” as you say, because if a woman just wants sex with someone (or multiple someone’s) it’s really not very hard to find that. 

I think that's where we are confused though - because it doesn't seem like it was much more than a sexual affair.  We've asked you sooooo many times about meeting friends, family, what his reason was for keeping you away from his house, but you skim over all of that and just say you can't walk away.  I for one don't think it's that easy to find magnificent sex from dating sites these days, and I also don't discount the incredible bond that it creates between people. 

[RebeccaR]

Assuming you were planning a future with this guy, knowing what you know now, would you actually want him around your kids? The thought of him (now a known stone-cold liar) playing a fatherly role with my own kids would be enough to turn me against him.

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

think that's where we are confused though - because it doesn't seem like it was much more than a sexual affair.

They talked about things she was interested in, about how her day went, presumably about her kids as well as his daughter. She has no close friends or family. She was probably drinking in the attention and “caring”  he was showing her.

Curious though, OP, about whether you two talked about  future marriage or moving in together as adults who date for two years would normally discuss. My guess is no and this is one of the flags you ignored.

You still haven’t mentioned why you ignored all the flags.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I appreciate your experience.  I've never been able to flip a switch that quickly unless it was a casual situation.  If I've really loved someone, I don't ever go completely cold.  I just aim for keeping them out of my life.  

To be fair, I think I would be a mess. It would take a long time and a lot of healing... a lot of tears and a lot of sadness... but, I know for a fact that I would never keep him. I’ve never been cheated on in this way, but I was mislead once and I ended the relationship. My own journey would be very different than how I would conduct myself with the man. I respect your opinion but I have no doubt that I would end this relationship on the spot, and then fall apart and take the time that was needed to pull myself back together. 

Edited May 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Everyone is saying to just completely cut him off but it is not that easy because it wasn’t a causal situation (for me anyway, and he would tell me it wasn’t for him either). How can I just go from talking to someone practically all day, to never talking to them?

Perhaps it’s just the wisdom of age, or perhaps it’s just my mother’s influence... I have a man that I love in my life. We just built a beautiful new home together. We do not have children. We are not married but it is definitely not casual. Still - he is in my life (and I am in his life) because we want the other to be. IF he was to cheat on me, I would have no problem selling this home and letting him go. Sure, it would hurt and I would miss him. But, this relationship (as much as I love him) does not mean more to me than my self respect, my own mental health and being. There-in lies the difference. When I was younger, I may have been more inclined to justify the situation and keep him around... not now. I trust myself to be ok without him. 

[Starswillshine]

As with Bailey... I am also in a relationship with a fabulous man. We are in the process of building our weekend home, future retirement home. I love him to pieces, but if I even caught a slight over step in my boundaries, he would be gone before he knew what hit him. 

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t see anything wrong with him sending me pictures of him and his daughter together throughout the day. I don’t see this as using his child as “bait” and I don’t think this shows he’s a bad father. 

It comes back to the intention. 

IF he was a regular Joe, and you were building an honest and legit relationship - there would be no problem. My partner sent me photos of himself and his son when we were dating. He had no intention other than to share his life...

You guy had the intention to deceive. And as such, in many ways, he created an image of himself that he wanted you to believe. Because his intention was not honest, his action can not be viewed in the same way. He was not just sharing stories of his life, he was using the photos and stories to support the idea that he was a good, and kind, and loyal father - a good, and kind, and loyal man. We now know that not to be true - given the way he has deceived and betrayed both you and his wife. As such, in the context of his intention to deceive, his decision to use his child to support your assertion that he is a good man and a good father is duplicitous. 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

As with Bailey... I am also in a relationship with a fabulous man. We are in the process of building our weekend home, future retirement home. I love him to pieces, but if I even caught a slight over step in my boundaries, he would be gone before he knew what hit him. 

It doesn’t mean that I don’t love him dearly, because I do. We are very committed to each other. But - he has had the experience of losing himself in a bad marriage and a difficult divorce. I have just gained the wisdom of life experiences... We both know that people may come and go from your lives and life goes on... Would it be stressful and difficult to end the relationship - of course. But, there is no need to stay in a relationship that is destroying you - mentally, physically, emotionally. No person and no relationship is worth that, in my humble opinion.

Edited May 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

I think some men are just the cheating type.  He's one of them.  

@LShalcy - you probably do mean about as much to him as anyone can.  I mean, even his wife gets the crap end of the stick and she's married to him.  He'll probably always want two women.  I actually know someone IRL who told me she'd rather be with a man who cheats behind her back but who is "hot" and great in bed if that meant she had him. I don't know, maybe you're one of them?  Satisfied with just a piece if it meant having anything at all.  

I mean you found out 2 weeks ago, right?  And haven't seen him?  Meanwhile he's been home with her.  

Edited May 18, 2021 by Allupinnit

[FMW]

I agree she should end it, and I said as much.    

My comment was about my understanding that she still has feelings for him, while others are indicating their feelings would be immediately cold or dead because of what he had done and so would have no hesitation walking away.  Reading that someone else would not have those feelings doesn't change what she's experiencing.  Hopefully the responses on taking action to end it and the stories of good relationships will move the OP to free herself.  

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There is no need to stay in a relationship that is destroying you - mentally, physically, emotionally. No person and no relationship is worth that, in my humble opinion.

Another way to say it LShalcy - you shouldn’t have to compromise yourself to be in a relationship. I’m not talking about the compromises we all make everyday to be in a relationship. I’m talking about the things that really matter - your security and well-being, your self respect, your self worth, your desire to be in a mutually exclusive, committed relationship with a man, your expectation that your life partner is honest, trustworthy, and faithful to you, you hopes and dreams for the future.  If you have to compromise these things, that’s not a healthy relationship or a healthy situation for you. 

[LShalcy]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Interestingly, he's the lying creep here but you seem to be getting beaten up.

I thought I responded to this but the response is not here? If I am reading the intent of this correctly, than thank you.
 

There are a lot of judgmental people on here, berating me for finding it hard to completely cut off ties with a man I’ve grown close to over the course of two years. Some of you are turning him into a monster for sharing pictures of his child with me and turning him into some sort of sexual deviant who is going to share our videos online and with anyone and everyone.
 

until this happens to you, you can hypothesize and theorize all you want about what you would do. But the reality is much different that the possibility and it’s easier to say what you should do than to actually do it. 
 

im finding it harder and harder to just completely walk away and if I’m being honest I know I’m not going to give him up that easily at the moment. If I’m being honest I know I still want to be with him despite the obstacles in the way and despite what may happen in the future. I know he probably loves his wife because she’s the mother of his child and they share a life together but how great is their marriage? I’m being selfish because I’m hurting and yes it’s wrong l, I know, but I need to be honest with myself about what I want.