After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Allupinnit]

I think some men are just the cheating type.  He's one of them.  

@LShalcy - you probably do mean about as much to him as anyone can.  I mean, even his wife gets the crap end of the stick and she's married to him.  He'll probably always want two women.  I actually know someone IRL who told me she'd rather be with a man who cheats behind her back but who is "hot" and great in bed if that meant she had him. I don't know, maybe you're one of them?  Satisfied with just a piece if it meant having anything at all.  

I mean you found out 2 weeks ago, right?  And haven't seen him?  Meanwhile he's been home with her.  

Edited May 18, 2021 by Allupinnit

[FMW]

I agree she should end it, and I said as much.    

My comment was about my understanding that she still has feelings for him, while others are indicating their feelings would be immediately cold or dead because of what he had done and so would have no hesitation walking away.  Reading that someone else would not have those feelings doesn't change what she's experiencing.  Hopefully the responses on taking action to end it and the stories of good relationships will move the OP to free herself.  

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There is no need to stay in a relationship that is destroying you - mentally, physically, emotionally. No person and no relationship is worth that, in my humble opinion.

Another way to say it LShalcy - you shouldn’t have to compromise yourself to be in a relationship. I’m not talking about the compromises we all make everyday to be in a relationship. I’m talking about the things that really matter - your security and well-being, your self respect, your self worth, your desire to be in a mutually exclusive, committed relationship with a man, your expectation that your life partner is honest, trustworthy, and faithful to you, you hopes and dreams for the future.  If you have to compromise these things, that’s not a healthy relationship or a healthy situation for you. 

[LShalcy]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Interestingly, he's the lying creep here but you seem to be getting beaten up.

I thought I responded to this but the response is not here? If I am reading the intent of this correctly, than thank you.
 

There are a lot of judgmental people on here, berating me for finding it hard to completely cut off ties with a man I’ve grown close to over the course of two years. Some of you are turning him into a monster for sharing pictures of his child with me and turning him into some sort of sexual deviant who is going to share our videos online and with anyone and everyone.
 

until this happens to you, you can hypothesize and theorize all you want about what you would do. But the reality is much different that the possibility and it’s easier to say what you should do than to actually do it. 
 

im finding it harder and harder to just completely walk away and if I’m being honest I know I’m not going to give him up that easily at the moment. If I’m being honest I know I still want to be with him despite the obstacles in the way and despite what may happen in the future. I know he probably loves his wife because she’s the mother of his child and they share a life together but how great is their marriage? I’m being selfish because I’m hurting and yes it’s wrong l, I know, but I need to be honest with myself about what I want. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t see anything wrong with him sending me pictures of him and his daughter together throughout the day

Would you be ok with your husband sending photos of your children to his secret mistress? 

I have a hard time fathoming that you would not be upset by that. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know I’m not going to give him up

You do not have him now. 

21 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I know he probably loves his wife because she’s the mother of his child and they share a life together but how great is their marriage?

This is the fatal mistake made by so many other women. If their marriage was so wonderful - he wouldn’t be cheating with me. That’s just wrong. So many men cheat, and very few men leave their wives. Again, if he had honest intentions - if he fell in love with you and he had every intention of leaving his wife to be with you - he would have done so already. You wouldn’t be having this discussion today... two years down the road, after he deceived you about his marital status for two whole years. The ONLY reason you have having this discussion now is because he was discovered. And even at that, he’s “working on it...”

Unfortunately, there is little more that anyone can say if you insist on throwing all caution to the wind and heading down what appears to be a self destructive path. Again, I hope you reconsider. 

 

Edited May 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

Whatever... it is your life to live. It is really sad and unfortunate because every single one of us can see the path this will lead you down. Your emotions are clouding your judgement, and you cannot yet see all the pain that is yet to come. 

Please know we will be here when you need us.... and unfortunately, you will need us. 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Some of you are turning him into some sort of sexual deviant who is going to share our videos online and with anyone and everyone.

To be fair, this is good advice for any woman in this day and age. There are many stories on this board of women who trusted unwisely, and their images were shared without their consent. Sadly, it can happen to anyone and it’s a hard lesson for young women to learn. 
 

 

Edited May 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

To be fair, this is good advice for any woman in this day and age. There are many stories on this board of women who trusted unwisely, and their images were shared without their consent. Sadly, it can happen to anyone and it’s a hard lesson for young women to learn. 
 

 

I forgot about this.... but my ex husband snet his OW (the one I first knew about) a nude photo of his then girlfriend. This was after our divorce and a new legit girlfriend. The OW then sent ME the photo as some sort of, I dont even know. That chick has issues.... (and obviously he has too many to count). 

Screwed up people do some screwed up things.  And this MM is definitely the screwed up type..

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I forgot about this.... but my ex husband snet his OW (the one I first knew about) a nude photo of his then girlfriend. This was after our divorce and a new legit girlfriend. The OW then sent ME the photo as some sort of, I dont even know. That chick has issues.... (and obviously he has too many to count). 

Screwed up people do some screwed up things.  And this MM is definitely the screwed up type..

This man lied to her about his identity for two years. She thinks she can trust him with this or anything else - please. 

Screwed up people do screwed up things. It’s hard for those who are not screwed up to understand or even imagine... It doesn’t make it any less true. 

[Starswillshine]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This man lied to her about his identity for two years. She thinks she can trust him with this or anything else - please. 

Indeed. Everything she has said about him points to someone who is not trust worthy period. 

1) obviously lied for 2 years about his marriage status

2) which means he has cheated on her (the OP) the ENTIRE relationship

3) when she is upset about the revelation, he acts like it is no big deal, "gosh, what do you have to be so upset about?"

4) OP thinks it is flattering that he tells her he watches their sex videos AFTER she finds out he is married

5) OP thinks it is flattering that he is wanting her to be exclusive to him..... meanwhile sharing a bed with his wife

I just can't wrap my head around the amount of denial going on here. I get the pain, completely. I know how hard it is. I know you can't just turn off the feelings with a switch; however, you can realize the feelings were based on someone who does not actually exists. She isn't even just saying, "I caved and talked to him." No she is saying she will FIGHT for him. 

[lana-banana]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I thought I responded to this but the response is not here? If I am reading the intent of this correctly, than thank you.
 

There are a lot of judgmental people on here, berating me for finding it hard to completely cut off ties with a man I’ve grown close to over the course of two years. Some of you are turning him into a monster for sharing pictures of his child with me and turning him into some sort of sexual deviant who is going to share our videos online and with anyone and everyone.
 

until this happens to you, you can hypothesize and theorize all you want about what you would do. But the reality is much different that the possibility and it’s easier to say what you should do than to actually do it. 
 

im finding it harder and harder to just completely walk away and if I’m being honest I know I’m not going to give him up that easily at the moment. If I’m being honest I know I still want to be with him despite the obstacles in the way and despite what may happen in the future. I know he probably loves his wife because she’s the mother of his child and they share a life together but how great is their marriage? I’m being selfish because I’m hurting and yes it’s wrong l, I know, but I need to be honest with myself about what I want. 

I actually agree the focus on the videos is inappropriate (revenge porn is against the law in most places, and he's shown no indication that he's planning to use them against you) but it is wrong to use pictures of your kid with a mistress you're sleeping with under false pretenses, full stop.

You really lose me with the "how do you walk away from someone you love" bit. You are an adult! You presumably know what it is like to be in romantic relationships that end. It is very hard and sad, of course, but millions of people do it every single day. Part of the reason people are so indignant about your reaction is because you aren't just refusing to walk away; you're refusing to walk away from a relationship that is extremely harmful and wasn't even what you thought it was. It's as if you found out your plumber was robbing you blind and your reaction was "I can't fire him, he's worked for me for so long, who cares if my savings go missing". What? Of course people are being judgmental! 

You DO need to be honest about what you want, and you DO need to be honest that what you want---as Wiseman pointed out---does not exist. What you want is a boyfriend, which he wasn't. What you want is a solid and healthy relationship, which this wasn't. And if you're going to be honest you have to acknowledge that *he is not capable of giving you these things.* Not now, not ever.

You know now that he can't give you what you want, so what are you going to do?

Edited May 18, 2021 by lana-banana

[RebeccaR]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is the fatal mistake made by so many other women. If their marriage was so wonderful - he wouldn’t be cheating with me.

This reminds me of the previous poster who had an affair with a man with a newborn daughter (starting during the pregnancy) who convinced herself that because the MM and his wife sometimes argued in front of the child, breaking up the marriage was justified. 

[BaileyB]

51 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

You know now that he can't give you what you want, so what are you going to do?

As Starswillshine says, she’s going to fight for him! She said it herself - she knows she is not ready to give him up that easily right now. She’s alluded to the fact that she expects him to leave his wife. He’s told her that he’s “working on it...” So, it’s wait and see for her. 

Further to your plumber analogy and my Madoff analogy, he’s lost all kinds of money but she has decided to double down. She’s going to invest again. She believes in him. He told her that it would be ok, he would continue to manage my money. Forget the money (time) that you’ve lost, trust me! You know me. I’m a good guy.

LShalcy, if you admit that you have had “horrible lapses in judgement and I always have, especially when it comes to men, I put myself in horrible situations that could have ended very terribly” the answer now is quite literally to do the opposite of what you feel compelled to do. You have a whole group of people telling you - this is a horrible lapse in judgment that will end terribly for you. You have a whole group of people saying - find a counsellor! Talk this through. This is not about him, it is about you and the decisions you are making... I understand, you are reluctant because you thought he was the probably the best man and the most healthy relationship you have had - but that is simply not true. How can that be possibly be true when the man has literally lied to you everyday for the past two years.
 

 

Edited May 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I thought I responded to this but the response is not here? If I am reading the intent of this correctly, than thank you.

I agree it's hard to let go but my guess is because who you fell for was posing as a single man. What he told you was a game changer. It will take time, but ultimately it would be best to distance and end it. Not for his wife, kids, etc. For yourself.

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

she’s going to fight for him!

Interesting because it doesn’t seem like they discussed marriage or a future together the whole time she thought he was single. Now he is going to change his tune?

 I feel sad that OPs loneliness led her into a situation where she mistook the man’s friendliness and desire for sex as a non-casual relationship - despite never going to his home or getting other crucial details. His nonchalance in the wake of the marriage disclosure indicates that he never took this relationship seriously.

[LShalcy]

4 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

 I feel sad that OPs loneliness led her into a situation where she mistook the man’s friendliness and desire for sex as a non-casual relationship - despite never going to his home or getting other crucial details. His nonchalance in the wake of the marriage disclosure indicates that he never took this relationship seriously.

You’re right, I’m so lonely and so sad 😭. Yes, I’ve had steady relationships in the past, most notably with my daughters’ father, that lasted over ten years, but since that has ended (because I cheated and he had problems with anger and maturity among other things) there have been casual flings that have only been about sex. One guy that I cheated with, I have known him over 10 years and he was always with someone, as was I, but we always managed to sneak out for each other and this continued for years, and that led to a host of problems. I still talk to him occasionally and actually debated going to see him, just to take out my anger over what has happened because I was just so so enraged with this white hot anger, but at the last minute I couldn’t because I stupidly still feel some sort of loyalty to this guy and couldn’t go through with it. 
 

this guy, he has been the first in a long time to take a genuine interest in me and make me feel special and safe. I wanted that relationship with him, that feeling of being safe whenever I was with him, that feeling of security when his car pulled up. I don’t want to be so weak but I am so lost. To find out everything is a lie is devastating and I’m just trying to figure out how to put it all back together with him. I need to hold it together with him because I can’t start all over with someone else 🙁. I told him this and he said, he doesn’t want that, it hurts him to hear me say that. He is feeding me all these breadcrumbs to keep me wanting him and he already shares his bed with someone else 😭😭😭

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I’m just trying to figure out how to put it all back together with him. I need to hold it together with him because I can’t start all over with someone else 🙁.

Whether you believe you can, or believe you can’t, you are right. 

You have a complicated relationship with infidelity. It sounds like you have never had a healthy relationship with a man. And, although this felt like a healthy relationship - it’s not. Trust us.

With kindness, I really hope that you consider finding a counsellor. It is probably the single best decision you could make for yourself. If not for you, do it for your daughters. They are learning from you - what do you want to teach them about their worth as young women and what they should expect/accept from a man in a relationship?

I’m sorry you are lonely and sad. It can feel this way when you are single, I would think especially as a single parent. But, the answer is not to cling to a man who can not offer you that which you seek - he can not offer you security. He can not offer you a future. He can not offer you joy because there is no joy to be found in being the other woman. 

Hugs. Tomorrow is another day. I hope you consider calling your EAP program tomorrow to find a counsellor.  

 

Edited May 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I need to hold it together with him because I can’t start all over with someone else

Nonsense, what on earth are you saying?
You have only been with him for 2 years, 2 years of lies and deception.
2 years is quite a common break up point. 
It is when reality starts to kick in.
It doesn't usually however involve a hidden wife and family...
That is a deal breaker most do not have to deal with...

Any thoughts you may have of a happy ever after here is wishful thinking.
You thought you had a bf, but you have acquired a MM and that is a completely different kettle of fish...
You will find once the worry of losing you disappears and once he knows you are going nowhere, you will find your relationship will change dramatically and not for the better...
 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 To find out everything is a lie is devastating .he already shares his bed with someone else 

Yes. Exactly. And how "safe" is that really?

He's actually high risk for a massive heartache.

[vla1120]

On 5/17/2021 at 10:24 PM, LShalcy said:

He wasn’t horrible to me.

You are in denial. Yes. He WAS and IS BEING horrible to you, and you are allowing it to continue. He's going to keep telling you what you want to hear. Meanwhile, "just be patient" really means "I'll keep love-bombing you and telling you what you want to hear until you calm down and let me have control, again."

[Crazelnut]

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

this guy, he has been the first in a long time to take a genuine interest in me and make me feel special and safe. I wanted that relationship with him, that feeling of being safe whenever I was with him, that feeling of security when his car pulled up. I don’t want to be so weak but I am so lost. To find out everything is a lie is devastating and I’m just trying to figure out how to put it all back together with him. I need to hold it together with him because I can’t start all over with someone else 🙁. I told him this and he said, he doesn’t want that, it hurts him to hear me say that. He is feeding me all these breadcrumbs to keep me wanting him and he already shares his bed with someone else 😭😭😭

 

Tough love time. How can you not see that this relationship isn't safe? It's the very opposite of safe. It is guaranteed heartache and loneliness. I know you feel like your "relationship" and situation are unique (I love him, blah, blah), but they're not. This is a run of the mill cheater. He found a lonely, desperate woman who was easy prey. He gave you some attention, and now he gets off knowing that you can't live without him. Do you see how much your story echoes every other sad story on this site? He is not leaving his wife, so you will never HAVE him. You think you were lonely before him? Just wait until the real loneliness sets it. The loneliness that comes from waiting around for him to throw a few more breadcrumbs your way, from being without him at holidays. 

Given your history as a cheater, I'm not surprised that the cheating on his wife aspect doesn't bother you. You really need to see a therapist and dig deep into why you cheated and why you think being the mistress of a POS liar is something to fight for. 

You are bound & determined to make the worst possible decision.  You need professional help. Seriously.

[d0nnivain]

 

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Yes, I’ve had steady relationships in the past, most notably with my daughters’ father, that lasted over ten years, but since that has ended (because I cheated

 And there it is. . . the real reason you are not as appalled by his cheating as some of the rest of us.  Birds of a feather.  

I'm out but I leave you with one final thought:  when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.  

[spiritedaway2003]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

 

 And there it is. . . the real reason you are not as appalled by his cheating as some of the rest of us.  Birds of a feather.  

I'm out but I leave you with one final thought:  when you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.  

And there it is too -  those who likes to cast stones, while lacking the ability to see that what the OP did (in the past) was bad, but she (and the  guy’s wife) are the ones who had been duped here.  And she is clearly having a hard time separating the person she thought she had a future with vs the person who lied to her -  it’s not always easy to reconcile immediately when they are one and the same. 

OP, I think you’d be better off seeking help offline to help understand as to why you are so attached to this person and why you are having a such a hard time letting go.  There had been a lot of great helpful responses but I suspect other responses can be quite damaging to your current confused state of mind.  

That said, you need to remember he lied to you from the “very beginning” for two years.  He isn’t who you thought he is.  Denial is good... for a time... to protect yourself.  But at some point you will need to put the pieces back together...

Now that you know the truth and that he had been lying to you for two straight years, you already know he’s not a safe bet.  Yes, it’s been two years but even longer relationships do and can end if they are no longer healthy.  Reframe from thinking of it as an automatic “sunk cost”. You CAN make a different choice.

Take care.

Edited May 19, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[Stupidkupid]

I checked out of this thread a few days ago because OP is cherry picking responses somewhat and has avoided answering some pertinent questions about her own part in this.

That is not to say I am unsympathetic, but there are some things here that are odd. 

My position is that OP knew, subconsciously, MM was in a relationship of some kind all along. All the signs were there. She made an active choice to supress the knowledge (through fear,loneliness and lack of self esteem) but it became too obvious to ignore when she finally confronted.

The problem is that, her mind had made an element of peace with it some time  ago which is why she ia not cutting him off.

I feel sad for her. This is not a good situation at all and either way, she is in pain, but we all have to come to properly accept our own role in things and take responsibility for our own lives. She doesn't want to do that and so it doesn't matter what we say.

I wish her all the very best but suspect she will be "Will MM ever leave his wife?" Thread in 18 months. And that makes me feel really sad.

Edited May 19, 2021 by Stupidkupid