After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[lana-banana]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is EAP?

An Employee Assistance Program - it's a confidential service that many employers have available (and I've seen it mentioned here so I assumed OP said she had one, but I could be mistaken) for emergency resources including counseling, financial help, family crises, etc. Regardless, the advice to get professional help immediately stands - this is a situation that needs experts and intensive counseling, not just advice from the internet.

Edited May 19, 2021 by lana-banana

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

An Employee Assistance Program - it's a confidential service that many employers have available (and I've seen it mentioned here so I assumed OP said she had one, but I could be mistaken) for emergency resources including counseling, financial help, family crises, etc. Regardless, the advice to get professional help immediately stands - this is a situation that needs experts and intensive counseling, not just advice from the internet.

EAP is a good option, if she has it. That would depend on her employer.

If not EAP, there are likely other options through an insurance program, for example. It’s difficult to imagine that she has no coverage, given that she is a teacher. It will depend on where she lives and how mental health services are funded.

Certainly, with covid we have seen a real emphasis on making mental health support accessible and available to people. 

I would say to you OP - if you have access, what is your hesitation? Why would you not reach out for help? You don’t have to do this on your own... as well intended as the strangers on the internet are - we recognize that you would benefit from support. This is a difficult situation.

Edited May 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

OP has a toddler, which means she has been in this “relationship” most of the child’s life. In terms of focusing on the toddler, now would be a good time (better late than never) for therapy and taking a break from romantic relationships of all types. Starting over with a new man is not the best move right now.

[vla1120]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I need to hold it together with him because I can’t start all over with someone else 🙁.

Ugh. My husband died on June 13th, 2020. Our relationship wasn't great for the first 5 years and was fraught with a lot of conflict and unhappiness. But for the last six months of his life, when I was caring for him and had to bring in hospice care at home, it was golden. I wish the first 5 years could have been as good. Watching him deteriorate and holding his hand while he passed from this life was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't get the option to "hold it together with him because I can't start all over with someone else." 

You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, get your head back in your job and mothering responsibilities, and grieve the loss of this sham of a relationship. Reach down and find the strength.

[Miss Spider]

Because you “can’t start over with someone else” sounds like a horrible reason to stay in a Rship. 

[FMW]

I've been through the end of a long marriage.  I've been through the end of an intense three year affair with someone I really loved.  And I'm a lot older than you.  Trust me - you really can start over again.  Changing course and even restarting different areas of our lives is part of life.  If you give yourself the opportunity to heal and eventually connect with the right guy, you'll wonder why you wasted so much time and energy on this.

It's not going to be easy, it hurts, and you will sometimes feel miserable and sad.  But the sooner you get him out of your life the sooner you start healing and will be ready for a relationship with someone who is available and truly cares about your well-being (his involvement with you while having a wife means he does not care about what is best for you.  His care for you was, and is, contingent on what he wants).  

It's ok to still have feelings for him, regardless of whether or not everyone understands how that can be.  But that absolutely doesn't mean you have to keep seeing him.  With a little distance and time things will be clearer.  I really hope you'll give yourself the opportunity to find that out for yourself. 

[Timshel]

3 hours ago, vla1120 said:

 I didn't get the option to "hold it together with him because I can't start all over with someone else." 

You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, get your head back in your job and mothering responsibilities, and grieve the loss of this sham of a relationship. Reach down and find the strength.

I was also a widow via, though not in an unhappy marriage. I recognize the strength and the edge that comes with this. Every person is different.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

OP is cherry picking responses somewhat and has avoided answering some pertinent questions about her own part in this.

That is not to say I am unsympathetic, but there are some things here that are odd. 

My position is that OP knew, subconsciously, MM was in a relationship of some kind all along. All the signs were there. She made an active choice to supress the knowledge (through fear,loneliness and lack of self esteem) but it became too obvious to ignore when she finally confronted.

I agree with the above, especially the bolded. 

I have asked the same fairly simple questions a few times and thus far, she has not answered them. I have to conclude that she's known (implicitly and deep-down) about his marital status for a while and has chosen to look the other way. 

[Timshel]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 I have to conclude that she's known (implicitly and deep-down) about his marital status for a while and has chosen to look the other way. 

Of course, but each poster must be taken at face value. LShalcy needed us to think she only just knew. It's her journey.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Of course, but each poster must be taken at face value. LShalcy needed us to think she only just knew. It's her journey.

Well, yes. That was my point, in fact. 

 

[Timshel]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, yes. That was my point, in fact. 

 

But it wasn't my point. No bother I agree with you. I wish OP well.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Because you “can’t start over with someone else” sounds like a horrible reason to stay in a Rship. 

An excellent point C&D. It sounds like OP has been through a lot, and may have had a dry spell and been quite lonely. All valid reasons to want someone. But - this?!? 

There must be something better out there than a relationship founded on a 2 year deception from the outset. Even if there was some denial/willful looking the other way on her part.

Edited May 19, 2021 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

To some anybody is better than nobody.
I have a feeling she is caught up in the sex, she is the fantastic lay, the star of the videos, the sex provider....
His wife stands no chance against her...

However, it seems there is no mention here of him being unhappy or of him leaving.
It seems he is one of those who is perfectly happy managing two women...

[Prudence V]

On 5/19/2021 at 3:24 AM, LShalcy said:

I wanted that relationship with him, that feeling of being safe whenever I was with him, that feeling of security when his car pulled up.

I’m genuinely interested in what you want from this - now, and longer-term. I’m not going to jump on you for being the OW. I was also the OW, for longer than 2 years, and although we’ve been happily married now for far longer than the A part of our R, I’m not one of those reborn fOW who walk around preaching he’ll and damnation to anyone else who ventures down that road. It worked out great for me - and while I won’t recommend it to everyone, because it usually doesn’t work out great, I won’t condemn anyone who makes an informed choice that this is what they want or need at a particular time of their life. 
 

But I’m not sure that’s where you are. If you are choosing a p/t relationship with a guy who you know is married, and are prepared to overlook his calculated and sustained dishonesty in lying to you about this for two years, because that is the kind of relationship you want, with he kind of person you want to spend time with, fair enough. You’ve had your own history of infidelity, it’s clearly not a dealbreaker for you, and you’ve not expressed any unhappiness about the amount of time, interest and commitment you’ve been getting from him before this great revelation. So it’s possible that this is what you want - but you haven’t come out to say that. What you said is you want *him*, not that you want the kind of R he’s offering. 
 

If you want the kind of R he’s offering, and can overcome the deceit (or suppress it, like several BW manage to do to keep their M intact) then go ahead. He’s happy enough to snap back into how things were, probably indefinitely, so if that works for you, it’s there for your taking. But if you are hoping for something else - a R that develops into something more full-time, possibly even seeing a family of his kid and yours, and him coming home to you each day... Realistically, that’s not going to happen. He is not offering that to you, and that’s not what he wants. What he wants is what he has now - and that’s what he’s offering. 
 

So that is your choice. Not a “what if” scenario where one day he leaves the BW, to be “yours”. What you currently have - or, something else with someone else, while he replaces you with someone else who’s happy with what he’s offering. It might not be what you envisioned from this, but it’s what’s possible, and it’s a choice you have. He’s not forcing you - no one is forcing you - you are the one who gets to choose: but those are your choices. You can’t choose something else, because that’s not on the table. Think about what you want, and then choose the one that fits. 

 

[LShalcy]

7 hours ago, Prudence V said:

So that is your choice. Not a “what if” scenario where one day he leaves the BW, to be “yours”. What you currently have - or, something else with someone else, while he replaces you with someone else who’s happy with what he’s offering. It might not be what you envisioned from this, but it’s what’s possible, and it’s a choice you have. He’s not forcing you - no one is forcing you - you are the one who gets to choose: but those are your choices. You can’t choose something else, because that’s not on the table. Think about what you want, and then choose the one that fits. 

 

If it happened for you, why is impossible to happen for anyone else?

[PhoenixRising8]

It isn't impossible but in your case it seems it is highly unlikely. We have tried to provide logical and rational, rather than emotional interpretation of the state of affairs.  It is your choice ultimately, how you wish to see it: through the lens clouded by emotion, or on the basis of fact.  He lied to you for 2 years, by omission, about his marital status.  I have not seen you say he has even told you he is planning to leave his wife to be with you, since the big revelation.  Instead, he is just acting as though everything is as it was, pre-admission meanwhile you are in bits.  This leads us to conclude that it will continue as an affair and not an out in the open primary relationship and that you are likely living on 'hopium', rather than real possibility. It's your choice whether you look at reality or continue with the fantasy. 

[Crazelnut]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

If it happened for you, why is impossible to happen for anyone else?

It isn't going to happen for you. First of all, your married "BF" concealed the fact that he was married. His goal was to keep you in the dark and on the side. That is not the behavior of a man who wants to be with you forever.

Secondly, since the big reveal, he has not once said he will leave his wife for you. He's done the opposite. He's tried to smooth things over and get them back to how he likes them -- wife at home and you on the side. 

A MM who leaves his wife for the mistress doesn't hide his marriage, and he leaves pretty much right away. Your "prize" isn't doing that. He wants you on the side. Are you okay with that?

Edited May 20, 2021 by Crazelnut

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, LShalcy said:

If it happened for you, why is impossible to happen for anyone else?

As odd as it sounds, I believe that relationships that transition from affairs to legitimate relationships are built on honesty, transparency, trust, and commitment. 

I say that sounds odd because affairs involve, by their very definition, deception and dishonesty. The difference being, the person who doesn’t have the full truth is usually the spouse, not the affair partner.  

Furthermore, people who are serious about legitimizing their relationship with their affair partner tend to be decisive. They are willing to accept the consequences and they do what is required to be in the relationship they want to have. I have a friend who met a man, they had an affair, and they now have a legitimate relationship. Within six months of their meeting, both individuals had separated from their spouses. The hurt was immense - for the individuals involved, their spouses, their children. Unless it has changed recently, her affair partner lost his relationship with his daughter. Still, they knew what they wanted and they made it happen. 

As I’ve said before, they key difference here is that he had absolutely no problem keeping his marital status from you for two years. That does not speak to a man who is serious about leaving his marriage to form a legit relationship with his affair partner. That speaks to a man who wants to have two women  - and he is willing to lie to both women to do so. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[RebeccaR]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

If it happened for you, why is impossible to happen for anyone else?

Unlike the other responses (which I fully agree with), I have a simpler answer:

Could you win the powerball lottery? Yes. Is it likely? No, it’s extremely unlikely.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/18/2021 at 11:12 AM, LShalcy said:

don’t see anything wrong with him sending me pictures of him and his daughter together throughout the day. I didn’t see pictures of them playing with dolls and think, “now I definitely have to sleep with him!” He was showing me what he was doing with her, her Halloween costumes, playing dress up etc. I don’t see this as using his child as “bait” and I don’t think this shows he’s a bad father.  

LShalcy, I have been reticent about posting further on your thread, because after what I went through as an OW plus all therapy and hard work I've done myself since, I typically refuse to chase after anyone to take my assistance when they don't value it. I am totally done with being undervalued, deceived, and used. When someone rejects my advice, I see that they did not value my effort, time, and contribution in an attempt to help them benefit from learning from my previous loss so they could lose less.

I am slightly encouraged that you are possibly open, albeit only apparently a little, to the idea this guy is manipulating you. He is! I guarantee it. I would bet my last dollar that EVERYTHING he does/says is just manipulations although you refuse to entertain that notion, and you are CHOOSING to self-destruct because of that. Some day you will see the very grave error you are making here. I hope for your and your children's sake you will see it sooner than later.

All that being said, alas, here again I point out to you what should be obvious to you: she's not "his" child so much as she's "their" child, part of a whole life 'they' have together that does not include you. Have you considered it was probably his wife who took 'their' daughter shopping for the dolls and Halloween costume which you see in those pictures? Have you considered that it's a very real possibility that she might have been there with them, playing with them, when he took those photos? Have you considered that perhaps his wife is in some of those photos but he just didn't send the ones with his wife in them to you?

Are you now 'getting the picture?' The true picture, which is that you are in love with a fantasy, ONLY A FANTASY, and not the man he truly is. He created a fiction, a very deep deception, which you have believed. It's a fiction in which you are playing a role, but not the role you think you have. You DO NOT KNOW this man. What you know is the fiction he created for you.

You may think people here are harsh. I can speak for myself when I tell you my motive in writing this is to try to shake you back into reality, YOUR REALITY, which is where you need to be before you lose everything you have worked for and hold near and dear. That loss is what is happening right now!

One huge issue you are facing is that your reality is so painful for you that you are choosing to avoid it by keeping yourself stuck in this fantasy. Meanwhile all the truly good things you have in your life, like your job and your children, are getting flushed down the toilet due to your neglect, for your refusal to re-engage in reality, choosing this fantasy instead. This is how your choices parallel a drug addict--they throw away everything, including the most precious gifts they've ever been given (being their own children) to chase a high. You are doing exactly that--chasing a high and throwing everything else away.

Btw, what are you teaching your children about their own self-worth? That they are not as valuable to their mother, not as valuable as this man who has degraded and devalued their mother so horribly, that they are worth less than that guy. Obviously, they don't matter to you as much as you getting your fix. They are as disposable to you as you are to this man. You are putting most of your energy into him over into your kids, your job, and whatever else. You value him (the fantasy version of him) over everything else! Your poor children deserve better.

His child also deserves better than a father who uses her as a pawn to manipulate women in his nasty little games of power and control. He used his daughter as a prop to suck you in further, further into the fantasy he created so that he could enjoy his power over you. He enjoys knowing you are so sucked in, and that he has so much power over you. I 1000000000000% believe you will tell yourself I'm wrong, but I totally know I'm right BECAUSE I LIVED IT! 

You need to get yourself straightened out and you need help to do it because you are very, very lost right now. Alice in Wonderland seems fitting. At the very least, get some help for your kids. 

I feel angry at you and I feel angry for you, because I know how totally scewed up this situation is. I know because I was you once. I'm angry at you for doing this to yourself, your children, your job, and anything else that deserve better from you while you are chasing this fantasy and the addictive high that goes with it.

I feel so sorry to myself that I put myself through it, that I allowed myself to be used just like you are doing now, but I am grateful for all I learned. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GET OUT NOW! WAKE YOURSELF UP! THIS GUY IS THE LOWEST OF THE LOW! HE SUCKS! GET RID OF THE FANTASY AND COME INTO THE LIGHT! 

Edited May 21, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

LShalcy, I have been reticent about posting further on your thread, because after what I went through as an OW plus all therapy and hard work I've done myself since, I typically refuse to chase after anyone to take my assistance when they don't value it. I am totally done with being undervalued, deceived, and used. When someone rejects my advice, I see that they did not value my effort, time, and contribution in an attempt to help them benefit from learning from my previous loss so they could lose less.

I am slightly encouraged that you are possibly open, albeit only apparently a little, to the idea this guy is manipulating you. He is! I guarantee it. I would bet my last dollar that EVERYTHING he does/says is just manipulations although you refuse to entertain that notion, and you are CHOOSING to self-destruct because of that. Some day you will see the very grave error you are making here. I hope for your and your children's sake you will see it sooner than later.

All that being said, alas, here again I point out to you what should be obvious to you: she's not "his" child so much as she's "their" child, part of a whole life 'they' have together that does not include you. Have you considered it was probably his wife who took 'their' daughter shopping for the dolls and Halloween costume which you see in those pictures? Have you considered that it's a very real possibility that she might have been there with them, playing with them, when he took those photos? Have you considered that perhaps his wife is in some of those photos but he just didn't send the ones with his wife in them to you?

Are you now 'getting the picture?' The true picture, which is that you are in love with a fantasy, ONLY A FANTASY, and not the man he truly is. He created a fiction, a very deep deception, which you have believed. It's a fiction in which you are playing a role, but not the role you think you have. You DO NOT KNOW this man. What you know is the fiction he created for you.

You may think people here are harsh. I can speak for myself when I tell you my motive in writing this is to try to shake you back into reality, YOUR REALITY, which is where you need to be before you lose everything you have worked for and hold near and dear. That loss is what is happening right now!

One huge issue you are facing is that your reality is so painful for you that you are choosing to avoid it by keeping yourself stuck in this fantasy. Meanwhile all the truly good things you have in your life, like your job and your children, are getting flushed down the toilet due to your neglect, for your refusal to re-engage in reality, choosing this fantasy instead. This is how your choices parallel a drug addict--they throw away everything, including the most precious gifts they've ever been given (being their own children) to chase a high. You are doing exactly that--chasing a high and throwing everything else away.

Btw, what are you teaching your children about their own self-worth? That they are not as valuable to their mother, not as valuable as this man who has degraded and devalued their mother so horribly, that they are worth less than that guy. Obviously, they don't matter to you as much as you getting your fix. They are as disposable to you as you are to this man. You are putting most of your energy into him over into your kids, your job, and whatever else. You value him (the fantasy version of him) over everything else! Your poor children deserve better.

His child also deserves better than a father who uses her as a pawn to manipulate women in his nasty little games of power and control. He used his daughter as a prop to suck you in further, further into the fantasy he created so that he could enjoy his power over you. He enjoys knowing you are so sucked in, and that he has so much power over you. I 1000000000000% believe you will tell yourself I'm wrong, but I totally know I'm right BECAUSE I LIVED IT! 

You need to get yourself straightened out and you need help to do it because you are very, very lost right now. Alice in Wonderland seems fitting. At the very least, get some help for your kids. 

I feel angry at you and I feel angry for you, because I know how totally scewed up this situation is. I know because I was you once. I'm angry at you for doing this to yourself, your children, your job, and anything else that deserve better from you while you are chasing this fantasy and the addictive high that goes with it.

I feel so sorry to myself that I put myself through it, that I allowed myself to be used just like you are doing now, but I am grateful for all I learned. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GET OUT NOW! WAKE YOURSELF UP! THIS GUY IS THE LOWEST OF THE LOW! HE SUCKS! GET RID OF THE FANTASY AND COME INTO THE LIGHT! 

I've been there and oh my this is sooooo accurate. Every word.

[Naivewomen]

7 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

LShalcy, I have been reticent about posting further on your thread, because after what I went through as an OW plus all therapy and hard work I've done myself since, I typically refuse to chase after anyone to take my assistance when they don't value it. I am totally done with being undervalued, deceived, and used. When someone rejects my advice, I see that they did not value my effort, time, and contribution in an attempt to help them benefit from learning from my previous loss so they could lose less.

I am slightly encouraged that you are possibly open, albeit only apparently a little, to the idea this guy is manipulating you. He is! I guarantee it. I would bet my last dollar that EVERYTHING he does/says is just manipulations although you refuse to entertain that notion, and you are CHOOSING to self-destruct because of that. Some day you will see the very grave error you are making here. I hope for your and your children's sake you will see it sooner than later.

All that being said, alas, here again I point out to you what should be obvious to you: she's not "his" child so much as she's "their" child, part of a whole life 'they' have together that does not include you. Have you considered it was probably his wife who took 'their' daughter shopping for the dolls and Halloween costume which you see in those pictures? Have you considered that it's a very real possibility that she might have been there with them, playing with them, when he took those photos? Have you considered that perhaps his wife is in some of those photos but he just didn't send the ones with his wife in them to you?

Are you now 'getting the picture?' The true picture, which is that you are in love with a fantasy, ONLY A FANTASY, and not the man he truly is. He created a fiction, a very deep deception, which you have believed. It's a fiction in which you are playing a role, but not the role you think you have. You DO NOT KNOW this man. What you know is the fiction he created for you.

You may think people here are harsh. I can speak for myself when I tell you my motive in writing this is to try to shake you back into reality, YOUR REALITY, which is where you need to be before you lose everything you have worked for and hold near and dear. That loss is what is happening right now!

One huge issue you are facing is that your reality is so painful for you that you are choosing to avoid it by keeping yourself stuck in this fantasy. Meanwhile all the truly good things you have in your life, like your job and your children, are getting flushed down the toilet due to your neglect, for your refusal to re-engage in reality, choosing this fantasy instead. This is how your choices parallel a drug addict--they throw away everything, including the most precious gifts they've ever been given (being their own children) to chase a high. You are doing exactly that--chasing a high and throwing everything else away.

Btw, what are you teaching your children about their own self-worth? That they are not as valuable to their mother, not as valuable as this man who has degraded and devalued their mother so horribly, that they are worth less than that guy. Obviously, they don't matter to you as much as you getting your fix. They are as disposable to you as you are to this man. You are putting most of your energy into him over into your kids, your job, and whatever else. You value him (the fantasy version of him) over everything else! Your poor children deserve better.

His child also deserves better than a father who uses her as a pawn to manipulate women in his nasty little games of power and control. He used his daughter as a prop to suck you in further, further into the fantasy he created so that he could enjoy his power over you. He enjoys knowing you are so sucked in, and that he has so much power over you. I 1000000000000% believe you will tell yourself I'm wrong, but I totally know I'm right BECAUSE I LIVED IT! 

You need to get yourself straightened out and you need help to do it because you are very, very lost right now. Alice in Wonderland seems fitting. At the very least, get some help for your kids. 

I feel angry at you and I feel angry for you, because I know how totally scewed up this situation is. I know because I was you once. I'm angry at you for doing this to yourself, your children, your job, and anything else that deserve better from you while you are chasing this fantasy and the addictive high that goes with it.

I feel so sorry to myself that I put myself through it, that I allowed myself to be used just like you are doing now, but I am grateful for all I learned. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GET OUT NOW! WAKE YOURSELF UP! THIS GUY IS THE LOWEST OF THE LOW! HE SUCKS! GET RID OF THE FANTASY AND COME INTO THE LIGHT! 

Well said! I was there too and it's very much a hard-core addiction. One that takes patience, self love, self care for yourself. It's NOT at all easy. Many here were in the same boat as you! You have to WANT to do better for yourself and your children! Your mentally and physically in a bad place. So many posters are here to provide you with REAL information, please keep rereading the tough ones over and over. This forum saved my life! While I will always feel like I'm a recovering addict I chose to NOT live in fantasy as amazing and temporary as that feels! Your wasting valuable time on hope.

[Prudence V]

17 hours ago, LShalcy said:

If it happened for you, why is impossible to happen for anyone else?

It is not “impossible for anyone else”. However, it is unlikely - statistics show this, as well as many of the stories here. “Happy ever after” outcomes, while not impossible, are rare. Why wouldn’t they be? That’s how it works with most dating relationships, too - few lead to “happy ever after “, and most lead to breakups. 
 

But in your case, I think even “unlikely” is generous. I think there are several factors here. 
1) he doesn’t want that. He has the married-with-kids thing, and he’s not happy with that. Why else would he have been on a dating site, looking for something else? He wants married-with-kids-plus-girlfriend - what he has now. 
2) he’s keen to get back to “how things were”, before you found out. That’s what he wants. He doesn’t want you as wife, he wants you as GF. He’s made that very very clear. 
3) he set out to deceive you. It wasn’t accidental. He doesn’t believe you are worth the truth - which shows he doesn’t respect you. If he doesn’t respect you, why would he want you as a partner? He already has one of those at home - if he’s going to “trade up”, it needs to be someone he believes is better than what he has. He’s not treating you as if he thinks you’re better than what he has - he’s treating you with the same disrespect he shows his BW. 
4) he’s not only never said he wants to leave his BW, leave his family, leave his M, for you - he’s demonstrated that with his actions. You might wish it different, but he doesn’t. You can’t love him into submission on this. If he doesn’t want it, it’s not going to happen. And all the evidence shows that he doesn’t want this. 
 

Since you ask about why your situation is different from mine, I’ll fill in some background.

1) he never lied to me. To this day, nothing he said has ever been shown to be a lie. 
2) he put me first. I was never in any doubt what I meant to him, and where I stood in his life. I never got “crumbs”. 
3) the relationship never made me feel desperate, or enraged, or destroyed my dignity. It built me up. I was proud to be with him, and he with me. I didn’t find myself unable to do my work, or care for my kids, because of my R. I felt energised, engaged, enlivened. 
4) when we fell in love, it was mutual. We both wanted it. I wasn’t begging him to love me, or want me, or be with me. We both decided we wanted to be together, and we both knew it was mutual. I didn’t have to pretend he wanted me like I wanted him. 
5) we made it happen. Once we decided we wanted to be together, we both got on with what we needed to do. He told his BW. He left. He got a D. I did what I needed to do. We moved in together.

6) he had support. We were never a secret (aside from the BW). His family knew, and supported the R. So did his friends, colleagues, etc. People were happy for us. I was welcomed into the family. 
 

I know how difficult it is for most people, with even a single factor misaligned creating a lot of difficulty and skewing the outcome to failure. You don’t seem to have any factors in your favour, so I’m interested in why you think your chances of a successful outcome are so good? 

[LShalcy]

6 hours ago, Prudence V said:

he set out to deceive you. It wasn’t accidental. He doesn’t believe you are worth the truth - which shows he doesn’t respect you. If he doesn’t respect you, why would he want you as a partner? He already has one of those at home - if he’s going to “trade up”, it needs to be someone he believes is better than what he has. He’s not treating you as if he thinks you’re better than what he has - he’s treating you with the same disrespect he shows his BW. 

I think at first, we both weren’t expecting anything. So, I assume, yes, he was looking for a causal fling but I also wasn’t looking for a husband. But, as time progressed, it turned into more. Yes, I’ve mentioned some of the red flags that I’ve ignored, but just as I knew there were red flags l, I also knew that this relationship had become more than just a fling. This is a man who talked about how our kids would look and took no precaution on preventing that outcome if it happened (I didn’t either). This is a man who I talked to everyday, all day and when we see each other, that feeling of anticipation and eagerness is there for the both of  us, all the time. No one is that great of an actor. And if a man just wants sex, same for a woman, that’s not hard to come by and you don’t build bonds with your FWB.
 

as a woman you have that instinct when someone is falling in love with you even before they say it, just as you know when you’re falling in love with someone before you say it. And I’m not begging him to do anything.

Yes, of course, he lied to me and I'm not downplaying that despite what some of you may think, but I do believe him when he says he didn’t intend for this, and just didn’t know how to tell me after things had changed for us. And I didn’t stop seeing him despite knowing something was up because we had such a good connection. And no, I did not know he was married.
 

So to reiterate, I think it started as a casual fling for us both, but then as some relationships do, stronger feelings developed on both parts. Yes he has a wife, but I also know what it’s like to be conflicted and be in a relationship with one person but wanting another person (and even then, it wasn’t like this) and not knowing how to end one relationship for another. I’m not saying we will definitely have a “happily ever after”, because yes I know it’s rare when things started how they did, but I’m having that talk with him and I’m going to take it from there. It’s been tortuous not seeing him but I want him to miss me and I want to see him when I feel I can talk without crying and making a fool of myself so I told him next week. I’m preparing what I’m going to say and preparing for if he tells me he’s not leaving her. 

6 hours ago, Prudence V said:

You don’t seem to have any factors in your favour, so I’m interested in why you think your chances of a successful outcome are so good? 

 

As I mentioned above, I’m not saying that we are going to have a happily ever after, but I’m saying that sometimes things happen that you don’t expect and I think that’s what happened here for the both of us. If he were my husband and I were to see these text exchanges between him and another woman, I would know he loves her and cares about her and I would be heartbroken. But I didn’t cause that heartbreak. 

7 hours ago, Prudence V said:

we made it happen. Once we decided we wanted to be together, we both got on with what we needed to do. He told his BW. He left. He got a D. I did what I needed to do. We moved in together.

How long into your affair was this? Because although you make it sound like a fairy tale, it was an affair when it started, wasn’t it?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Just read your most recent post...

Oh OP, you are a conman's wet dream. A con barely even has to work at it because you are doing most of the work for them/him. You even defend the con's abuse of you.

Well, good luck to you. I can see you are lightyears away from sound advice and sensible reason. I'm not even being cynical.