After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[LShalcy]

2 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Just read your most recent post...

Oh OP, you are a conman's wet dream. A con barely even has to work at it because you are doing most of the work for them/him. You even defend the con's abuse of you.

Well, good luck to you. I can see you are lightyears away from sound advice and sensible reason. I'm not even being cynical.

What abuse am I defending? And what abuse was there? 

Edited May 22, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I do believe him when he says he didn’t intend for this

He was a married man on a dating site - what exactly do you think he was looking for... whatever it was, his intentions were not good.

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

as time progressed, it turned into more. Yes, I’ve mentioned some of the red flags that I’ve ignored, but just as I knew there were red flags l, I also knew that this relationship had become more than just a fling.

For you. It became more than a fling for you. He is still a married man cheating with a woman he met on a dating site. 

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

This is a man who talked about how our kids would look and took no precaution on preventing that outcome if it happened (I didn’t either). This is a man who I talked to everyday, all day and when we see each other, that feeling of anticipation and eagerness is there for the both of  us, all the time. No one is that great of an actor. And if a man just wants sex, same for a woman, that’s not hard to come by and you don’t build bonds with your FWB.

Read this site. One married man bought his affair partner an engagement ring. Yes, people are that good at acting. Whether they just get caught up in the fantasy they create or whether they just enjoy playing with a woman like a cat with a string - it happens. 

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I didn’t stop seeing him despite knowing something was up because we had such a good connection. And no, I did not know he was married.

Maybe not, but you knew something was up. You just said it. Ignore the warning flags at your own peril. 

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

If he were my husband and I were to see these text exchanges between him and another woman, I would know he loves her and cares about her and I would be heartbroken. But I didn’t cause that heartbreak. 

Please - you are projecting here. She will look at you with nothing but disdain and pity.

What’s more, you take no ownership for your role in this affair. Your are indeed light years away from sensible reason.

The only person you are fooling here is yourself, I’m sorry. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Please - you are projecting here. She will look at you with nothing but disdain and pity.

I doubt that. Any woman, whether they suspect their husband is cheating or they know it for sure, will be more heartbroken when they first find out, rather than feel pity for the mistress. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I doubt that. Any woman, whether they suspect their husband is cheating or they know it for sure, will be more heartbroken when they first find out, rather than feel pity for the mistress. 

Oh, I don’t disagree, most wives will be heartbroken. Most women don’t appreciate being lied to and betrayed by the men they trust. 

But, if you think she is going to say “its clear to me, he loves her...” you are mistaken. If you fantasize that she will somehow realize that she cannot keep him because he loves another woman, you are likely very mistaken. 

If not pity, what else would you feel for a woman who was in a relationship with a man who had lied and hid his marital status for two years? For a woman who was planning a future with this man?

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

But, if you think she is going to say “its clear to me, he loves her...” you are mistaken. If you fantasize that she will somehow realize that she cannot keep him because he loves another woman, you are likely very mistaken. 

This is not what I think at all. I meant that if I were to see this on my husbands phone, I would know he is in a relationship with another   women and it wasn’t just sexual. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

This is not what I think at all. I meant that if I were to see this on my husbands phone, I would know he is in a relationship with another   women and it wasn’t just sexual. 

Does it really matter? Do you think his wife cares whether it is just sexual or whether he has feelings for the woman? 

It matters to you. Does it really matter to his wife? 

Edited May 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

but I do believe him when he says he didn’t intend for this,

And this is what made you such an easy target tp begin with. 

It will also be the self-delusion that ultimately brings you more heartache. 

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Stupidkupid]

I'm not going to go point by point but just note, again, how sad this makes me.

How lonely you nust be and how insecure in yourself to accept this, or be prepared to accept this.

If your MM wanted to be with you, he would be wouldn't he? Not lying to you and hiding it and going home to hise wife each day. 

The fact remains that, had you not confronted him, he would not have confessed to you and even now, still is determined to maintain the status quo: you on the side. His wife at home.

There is a lot confirmation bias here. You see something that shows how appallingly he treated you and behaved but turn that into a reason he loves you. 

I'm sorry for you. Especially as you seem determined to stay in a relationship with a man with all the morals of an alley cat on heat.

There is a definitive pattern with MM who leave their wives and end up with their OW:

- there is a level of honesty in the Affair. Even if its not the whole truth its most of it

- the OW knows the MM is married from start and is an knowing party. See truth and honesty, above

- the OW is prepared to walk away. Sometimes does.

- MM leaves of his own accord. He is not pressured. He owns up. He leaves. He does it because he chooses to. Not because he us caught out. He is the instigator of divorce.

- there is no codependency, no feeling of "i need this man" there is no desperation, such as the not feeling you can start over, being reliant on someone in this way in any relationship is unhealthy.

You have basically none of the above.

Tell him you are going to tell his wife. See how he responds. That will tell you a lot.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 heartbroken when they first find out, rather than feel pity for the mistress. 

Just as you are right now. He probably did enjoy being with you. It was a wonderful escape for him from all the tedium of marriage.

He also probably cared for you, affairs are rarely only about sex.

They involve the fun of escape, deception, getting away with something, outsmarting the spouse and affair partner with all the lies.

It's a huge thrill and addictive ego boost for cheaters. It usually sucks for the spouse and the affair partner.

Only you can decide if you want half a man.

[RebeccaR]

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

This is a man who talked about how our kids would look and took no precaution on preventing that outcome if it happened (I didn’t either).

I don’t think this proves anything. Teenagers also fail to take precautions and fantasize about how their babies would look.

Read this board. There is a poster who has had at least 3 out of wedlock children with her MM and he still hasn’t left his wife.

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Tell him you are going to tell his wife. See how he responds. That will tell you a lot.

Yes it may be a good test, but as this guy is an accomplished liar and if he is certain Lshalcy won't really want to do that in case she loses him,  he may call her bluff.
We have had OW here who decided to go tell the wife, to find themselves dumped immediately.

The complication here is that it is not a straight fight between Lshalcy and the wife.
There is his child involved here and that can sway things massively  in the favour of the wife...
Lshalcy also has kids, he may not want to be a step father either...
Fine, man needs a bit of extra sex and finds it, but that is a long long way from leaving his wife and his kid and taking on some other guy's kids...

[RebeccaR]

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I’m preparing what I’m going to say and preparing for if he tells me he’s not leaving her. 

He may tell you he is leaving but “just give me a little more time” or “when my daughter is older” or “when I have saved up some money”. In fact, he probably will.

Have you prepared a response for that? 

We have recommended you read other stories on this board. Have you taken our advice to read them, or are you still avoiding anything that might show you something unpleasant about your fairy tale?

If his wife saw your text messages, he would tell her you are a crazy stalker and he just said what he had to in order to keep you placated. Not “yes, I admit it, I am in love with her and I don’t love you “.

[lana-banana]

I am a little alarmed at the speed with which you went from "I'm so lonely, I'm so broken, this hurt is so intense, I'm in crisis" to "actually we're star-crossed lovers who can eventually be together". I suspect you are trying to avoid feeling tremendous pain, but this road only leads to an avalanche of unimaginable (and unavoidable) pain later. Just ask the OWs here.

You aren't two people who met at the wrong time. He wasn't just trolling for a fling that turned into true love. This is just a standard affair; it's only different because he lied to you for so long and it seems limited entirely to spending time together at your house. You are talking about a strong relationship and the potential for a future together while he is actively insisting he wants nothing more than to go back to sex and hanging out at your house. You can keep giving 100% of yourself and your best years to a married man who will give you no more than 10%, but that won't change the equation.  Leaving his wife (and please, stop fixating on how she might feel about you---she's his wife and you aren't, this isn't a competition) simply isn't on the table.

To reiterate, I think you would get an enormous benefit from counseling. This situation is per your own description just one of many that have been volatile and lacking trust. Please talk to a professional who can help you understand more about yourself, your patterns and your decisions.

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by lana-banana

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I am a little alarmed at the speed with which you went from "I'm so lonely, I'm so broken, this hurt is so intense, I'm in crisis" to "actually we're star-crossed lovers who can eventually be together"

She went from the horror and pain of withdrawal and cold turkey, to the relief of a fix and the possibility of getting a regular supply.

Edited May 22, 2021 by elaine567
typo

[RebeccaR]

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

There is his child involved here and that can sway things massively  in the favour of the wife...

From your perspective OP, if he is as devoted to his daughter as you say, why would he be willing to break up her home and only see her part time- for you? Think this through logically and you will see the holes in your fantasy.

You have not really imagined the wife as a person, but that should start getting real for you. What if your fantasy were to play out? Think about the divorce filing, custody arrangements. He’s going to be dealing with the ex-wife forever because they share a child. (This is assuming they are amicable about it, best case scenario). He’ll miss the girl when she’s with her mom, he’ll be sad missing her on holidays, he might blame you. Because you were a great part time lover but he didn’t intend to get a new wife.

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

There is his child involved here and that can sway things massively  in the favour of the wife...
Lshalcy also has kids, he may not want to be a step father either

This . Especially with the other factors involved . Sorry.. not looking good 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

What if your fantasy were to play out? Think about the divorce filing, custody arrangements. He’s going to be dealing with the ex-wife forever because they share a child

Not only this, but OP is fooling herself if she thinks this guy would not wind up cheating on her, too. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not only this, but OP is fooling herself if she thinks this guy would not wind up cheating on her, too. 

 

As Prudence so wisely said, he has a wife and child - it wasn’t enough for him. He went on a dating site to find a girlfriend. 

If you believe OP that this is somehow because the wife was deficient, you would be wrong. The husband is deficient. This is not the decision a good, and loyal, and trustworthy man/husband. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

I don’t think this proves anything. Teenagers also fail to take precautions and fantasize about how their babies would look.

This is so true. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

Women have really, REALLY need to stop equating a man not taking precautions to get a woman pregnant as love. So many dead beat dads out there who did not care one ounce that he may get someone pregnant because he had no plan to give a darn about any child. 

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

But, as time progressed, it turned into more.

To you. What concrete actions did he take to show you it had turned into more, for him? Did he introduce you to his mother? Take you to his company dinner? Whisk you off on a romantic holiday to Paris, and post the pix prominently on FB, declaring to all the world how much he loved you? What convinced you that he was as into the “more” as you were?

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

as a woman you have that instinct when someone is falling in love with you even before they say it

I believe the psychology term for this is “projection”

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

This is a man who I talked to everyday, all day

Because he is stuck at home looking after his kid, and he’s bored. The same way he’s providing childcare to his kid, you’re providing childcare to him - keeping him occupied and out of trouble until his parent (BW) returns, to wash him, feed him, dress him and send him off to work. 

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

No one is that great of an actor.

No one has to be, if the person they’re seeking to convince has already convinced themself. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Prudence V

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I do believe him when he says he didn’t intend for this

Of course he didn’t. You weren’t supposed to find out he was married. And you weren’t supposed to want more (or be more) than a casual fling. Now - possibly - you are becoming a problem to manage, rather than just a source of orgasms, distraction and amusement while he goes about playing at being a grown up.