After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I don’t know what to do if I don’t have him telling me it’s ok

It’s not ok though. He can’t make this ok.

He can’t go back to a time when he was single, had not lied to you, had not cheated on his wife. 

Sure, he can say the words and they may feel good to you in the moment. But, they mean nothing. 

if you want someone to tell you it will be ok, post here. We will walk beside you and give you loving reassurance. Call your mother, or your sister, or a friend, or a counsellor. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Eat a tub of ice cream. Cry. Go for a long walk. Go for a long walk and CRY! 

Do you see what I’m saying... your comfort can not be found from this man - HE HAS HURT YOU! He is your abuser. 

You need to find other comfort. You need to find reassurance from someone else. 

Don’t let him hurt you any more. 😢

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

if you want someone to tell you it will be ok, post here. We will walk beside you and give you loving reassurance. Call your mother, or your sister, or a friend, or a counsellor. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Eat a tub of ice cream. Cry. Go for a long walk. Go for a long walk and CRY! 

Do you see what I’m saying... your comfort can not be found from this man - HE HAS HURT YOU! He is your abuser. 

You need to find other comfort. You need to find reassurance from someone else. 

Don’t let him hurt you any more. 😢

thank you for this it made me cry just reading it. 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

thank you for this it made me cry just reading it. 

I’m just so very sorry this has happened to you. 

If I knew you in person, I would bring you to my home and we would talk and cry together. And oh, how I would love to give this man what-for!!

Give it time. Having experienced traumatic events in my own life, I believe that you are still in shock. You are in crisis right now. The health professional in me is saying, when we are “in crisis” our ability to reason is the first thing that’s lost. That’s an entirely normal response to stress and trauma. It’s also the reason why you can’t focus on work or your child. If you need help, ask a friend. Go to your doctor and get some medication for the short term to deal with the anxiety. But, going toward the man who has hurt you for comfort and reassurance is not a good plan. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Alfano]

I don't get the whole thing about "you're wearing your work pants at night when you're supposed to be off so that means you have a wife".

 

[LShalcy]

Just now, Alfano said:

I don't get the whole thing about "you're wearing your work pants at night when you're supposed to be off so that means you have a wife".

 

It made me think he had lied to someone and told them he had to work that night, in order to see me. And he would have only had to lie to someone who lives with him, who would see him leave the house.
 

and unfortunately, I turned out to be right. 

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’m just so very sorry this has happened to you. 

If I knew you in person, I would bring you to my home and we would talk and cry together. And oh, how I would love to give this man what-for!!

Give it time. Having experienced traumatic events in my own life, I believe that you are still in shock. You are in crisis right now. The health professional in me is saying, when we are “in crisis” our ability to reason is the first thing that’s lost. That’s an entirely normal response to stress and trauma. It’s also the reason why you can’t focus on work or your child. If you need help, ask a friend. Go to your doctor and get some medication for the short term to deal with the anxiety. But, going toward the man who has hurt you for comfort and reassurance is not a good plan. 

Thank you so much for this. I don’t have many friends really, so I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Your words have really helped me today, and I’ve been rereading some of your posts to make myself feel better. I’ve been rereading ALL of  the comments and they have really, really helped so thank you to everyone who took a moment to comment, I really appreciate it.
 

I’m still just so confused about so many things that I feel like I have no choice but to ask these things of him, try to gain some sort of understanding about what happened and why he would do this. I have been a complete failure as both a mother and a teacher these past few days, I just need my questions answered:

why did he lie for all this time instead of even saying he was married but “separating” or “not in love with his wife”. Why did he tell me I was the first person he ever did certain things with, he has to watch our videos over and over, he misses me he can’t wait to see me etc etc for so long?! What did he gain by this, when he KNEW I was falling for him and he just strung me along, making me assure him I was only seeing him, that I was his. He would consistently  say he wants to make sure Im not with anyone else, he would be so jealous if he had any competition, I have so much to offer etc. He took two years from me, for what? When all this time he was with another woman 😔 the worst of it is I keep imagining him with her, how often do they sleep together, do they kiss every morning do they hold hands and lay together on the couch, just everyday things are making me insane.

Thank you again (and to everyone who commented and offered suggestions). 

 

 

 

Edited May 5, 2021 by LShalcy

[BaileyB]

I understand your need for answers. I can imagine that I would have the same questions and desire for the truth. 

But, you should prepare yourself that you may not get the answers you want. How does one even begin to explain something like this? It’s irrational. 

Also, consider the source - you are asking a man who has behaved in a very unethical and dishonest way to be ethical and honest. He may not be able to do this. And that, may in fact be your answer. 

If I was you, I would not meet him. I would protect myself from more pain. It’s an extreme example, but this - to me - would be like a woman abused by her husband asking her abuser “why do you hit me?” When you say that you want to talk to him and see him again, it would be like this woman turning to her abuser for comfort. When he tells you that he loves you and he wants you and you consider this, it would be like asking her abuser for reassurance that he wouldn’t hurt her again. What this man has done to you is incredibly hurtful. And, he would continue to hurt you - if you allow it. He does this by continuing to tell you that he wants to be with you (when he can’t) and asking you to tell him why you are upset (as if he doesn’t know). There is nothing he could say that could even begin to explain this or make it acceptable. And, I would not believe a single word this man says.

Would you consider waiting - give yourself more time. Would you consider communicating by email, phone, or video chat? Do you need to meet in person? Would you consider taking a friend with you when you talk with him, to support you? I would also have this discussion in a public place, if possible. For your own protection. No doubt, it will be an emotional discussion. I don’t think I could hold it together and keep control of my anger. I am concerned about your safety and well-being. Just some things to consider. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Why did he tell me I was the first person he ever did certain things with, he has to watch our videos over and over

Are these videos intimate videos?
Not to scare you, but I would ask him to delete these videos ASAP. It’s quite likely that he has multiple copies but still, I would require him to delete any videos ASAP. The last thing that you want is for this man to share these videos, or even keep these videos, after your relationship has ended. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 - I’m angry at her and that she has him and I don’t. 

Be grateful you're not stuck with a cheating lying creep.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps

Don't set yourself up for more pain.

[lana-banana]

As Bailey pointed out, he can't answer any of those questions for you. There is no answer to why he did any of it beyond his being very disturbed mentally. Good, well-adjusted people don't act like this.

What he did is extreme and unforgivable. It's simply not possible for him to give you a legitimate relationship, founded on truth and honesty, that doesn't hurt anyone. He can't give you two years of your life back and he can't give you a future together. He can't comfort you or make you feel better or fix anything. Meeting him and continuing to speak to him is just another opportunity for him to do what he does best: lie. He can't do anything but lie.

My suggestion is to block his contact info everywhere and just focus on the next 72 hours. Fill up every second without him. Take a bath, go running, binge-watch TV, order takeout, whatever. Stay as busy as you can, for as long as you can. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, LShalcy said:

how can I not meet him? How can I ignore his texts?

By remembering that this sociopath does not love you. He has no respect for you, and has been playing you for a fool. 

8 hours ago, LShalcy said:

why did he lie for all this time instead of even saying he was married but “separating” or “not in love with his wife”.

Because he has no intentions of leaving his wife. 

This guy is a special brand of awful. You don't know him, for all intents and purposes. He's a total con, and manipulated with no skin off his back. He knew exactly what to say to keep you hooked. And what that tells me is that you are very likely not the only woman he's had an affair with. He may well have another on the go right now. Please, do get yourself tested for STIs/HIV. You don't know what else he has exposed you to. 

In short, he's not who you thought he was. I would keep that in mind when you miss him. You miss who you believed he was, but that is not who he actually is. He made sure you fell for the fake version. As such, there is zero reason to be jealous of his wife. Can you imagine being married to a loser like this? I feel sorry for her. What a terribel excuse for a husband, and what a sham of a marriage. 

[Stupidkupid]

2 hours ago, lana-banana said:

As Bailey pointed out, he can't answer any of those questions for you. There is no answer to why he did any of it beyond his being very disturbed mentally. Good, well-adjusted people don't act like this.

What he did is extreme and unforgivable. It's simply not possible for him to give you a legitimate relationship, founded on truth and honesty, that doesn't hurt anyone. He can't give you two years of your life back and he can't give you a future together. He can't comfort you or make you feel better or fix anything. Meeting him and continuing to speak to him is just another opportunity for him to do what he does best: lie. He can't do anything but lie.

My suggestion is to block his contact info everywhere and just focus on the next 72 hours. Fill up every second without him. Take a bath, go running, binge-watch TV, order takeout, whatever. Stay as busy as you can, for as long as you can. 

All of the above and everything that @BaileyB has been saying. 

I can promise you now, you won't get the answers you need. Suspect he will formulate answers that might make him look less bad (I'm not sure, given the circumstances, this is even possible but I suspect he'll give it a good try) and you will eat those up as you have been traumatised (as per Bailey's comments above) and you are so desperate for this to be the man you thought he was. 

It's not healthy to see him. Because, I could be wrong, but I'd guess that a good proportion of the time you will get a shot of the feel good hormones from him declaring his love for you, how much his wife doesn't appreciate or value him, and despite all his behaviour you will let it go... at this point you are an active and complicit participant in an affair and in another person's (his wife's) pain.

I speak from experience. Affairs hurt, a lot. They just hurt everyone. They hurt so much. You will never be satisfied as his partner as you entered the relationship wanting to be his only, thinking you were his only, wanting a proper partnership. Potentially marriage and children. He can't give you that because he is committed to someone else. And if he had planned to change the status quo, why wouldn't he in the last two years? 

Edited May 5, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I’m still just so confused about so many things that I feel like I have no choice but to ask these things of him, try to gain some sort of understanding about what happened and why he would do this. I have been a complete failure as both a mother and a teacher these past few days, I just need my questions answered:

why did he lie for all this time instead of even saying he was married but “separating” or “not in love with his wife”. Why did he tell me I was the first person he ever did certain things with, he has to watch our videos over and over, he misses me he can’t wait to see me etc etc for so long?! What did he gain by this, when he KNEW I was falling for him and he just strung me along, making me assure him I was only seeing him, that I was his. He would consistently  say he wants to make sure Im not with anyone else, he would be so jealous if he had any competition, I have so much to offer etc. He took two years from me, for what?

Asking him these Qs will not get you answers.  Nothing he says will satisfy you.  He's not going to be honest & tell you he used you & lied to you because he could & you let him. He's not going to tell you that he got a secret thrill from cheating that it made sex with you all the more hot because it was forbidden & he got off on the danger.  He's not going to tell you that he would have had the same reaction with any affair partner & you weren't special.  He's not going to tell you it was all about the power, knowing he was using you.   He's not going to tell you that it made him feel like a stud because he had 2 women.  Who knows there might even be more you don't know about.  This might not even be the 1st time he cheated.  It probably won't be the last.  He's not the least bit sorry.  He's only sorry he got caught but hey it was only by you.  His marriage is still in tact & that is what he cares about, not you.  

At best he'll feed you some BS crap about how "he didn't know" what happened or that when he met you "it just happened."  He will deflect & lie some more.  He will twist this around in an attempt to continue to manipulate you so you feel sorry for him . At no point will he take responsibility for his bad actions or own up to the fact that he chose to use you & break his  vows.  He'll tell you some sob story about how his wife doesn't understand him. Don't fall for it.  Even if he promises to leave his wife tomorrow, that day will never come. If you do "get" him all you get is a lying cheater who you won't be able to trust who will eventually cheat on you.  Who needs that?  

It really doesn't matter what he says.  If his lips are moving, you have to know that anything he says is just more lies. 

You are not a complete failure as a mother or a teacher but you will put a chink in your armor on both counts if you continue to see this man.  If you stay with this cheater you are teaching your child that vows don't matter & lying is OK.  You will also teach the child that you have no worth & that it's OK to use people.  Are those the lessons you really want your child to learn?  

Like @BaileyB my heart breaks for you that this happened.  Unlike the kinder gentler posters around here, I'm blunt.  You don't need to be coddled right now.  That can come later after you act.  Dump this sorry sack of [excrement]  & then you can lick your wounds.  Stop acting helpless.  Fix this by kicking him to the curb.  There will be plenty of time later for crying & feeling sorry for yourself but right now you have to get him out of your life once & for all.  While you still think that he's the answer you are complicit in the lies he's telling his wife.  Stop that.  You were duped.  Be done with him.  You -- by your own actions & bad choices right now -- are making this worse.  Just end it already.      

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

At best he'll feed you some BS crap about how "he didn't know" what happened or that when he met you "it just happened." 

He’s already setting this up... To minimize. To pass the blame to OP - 

Quote

I told him I’m so hurt and jealous and he wants me to tell him why. I said, “obviously you know” and he says “I want you to tell me”. He tells me I still have him when I obviously don’t. 

What’s the problem here? Why are you upset? It doesn’t matter that I’m married... what we had was special. That doesn’t just go away. I didn’t mean for this to happen. It doesn’t have to be the end. I still love you. We mean something to each other. I don’t understand why you are hurt. Why are you giving up on us? I want you. 

I can hear it already... Lies, all lies. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I just told him I’m so hurt and jealous and he wants me to tell him why. I said, “obviously you know” and he says “I want you to tell me”. But he tells me I still have him when I obviously don’t. 

What I’m saying OP, this is not the normal or expected response. A man with any kind of integrity would apologize to you. He would know that he has done wrong and he would feel guilt and shame. He would have empathy for you. If he was a man of integrity, he would apologize and end the relationship. That is the only way to do “right” by both you and his wife and children. Considering that this is an affair, you would think that he would be asking for your forgiveness and offering to do whatever it takes to keep you in his life (which you should not do). There is none of that here, in this statement.

His response was to minimize - “I’m still here. You still have me.”

His response was to put this on you - “Tell me, why you are upset?” Again, he is minimizing. This is something one would say if you come home from work in a bad mood. It’s not something one should ask a woman when he has lied to you and purposefully hidden his marital status for the past two years. It’s also not fair how he’s shifted the blame to you. It’s your problem, why are you upset? I don’t understand. Help me to understand. That’s a cruel thing to do to you at a time when you are broken. Broken by HIS actions. 

Good men don’t do this. They don’t hide their marital status, lie to you, and cheat on his wife. Good men accept responsibility for their decisions. Good men show care and concern for the women they love. This is not a good man. He is not the man that you thought he was... The lack of personal responsibility and the lack of empathy here is very concerning. 

As was said above, he is a con. Protect yourself, and your child. You protect your child by protecting their mother. 

 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

This guy is a sociopath full-stop.  He does NOT CARE about your feelings, nor his wife's, he's a cake-eater and he's setting you up now to be complicit as the other woman.

I hope you keep this man away from your kids, he's dangerous.  

We women lie to ourselves all the time when it comes to matters of the heart and the real man standing in front of us.  "Well he wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't so special to him, if what we had wasn't so wonderful" GIRL YES HE WOULD. And NOT just with you, this is not his first affair.  He's taking full advantage of the fact that his W works during the day to carry on with you, sending pics OF HER KIDS TO YOU.  This is so disgusting, a new low, involving his kids as pawns to draw down your defenses and make himself look like a great guy/dad.  GROSS.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's already shown those sex videos to his buddies.  There's no way in hell I would send even nudes to a guy in this day and age.  Sorry, but you've been conned big time.  I know it hurts like crap but you need to get effing PISSED and block him.  Don't give him a chance to lie to you ONE MORE DAMN TIME.

Edited May 5, 2021 by Allupinnit

[Allupinnit]

Also, had you never been to his house in two years?  Didn't you think that was weird??

[BaileyB]

No, this is not the expected response of a good man. 

It is however the response of a man who would withhold his marital status and have a serious relationship with a woman for two years. He doesn’t see the problem here. He hasn’t seen a problem here for the past two years or he wouldn’t have done what he did. His primary purpose here is to get what he wants, and he has demonstrated he is willing to lie, cheat, and steal to get that. Your feelings, your pain, your needs matter less than his own. So, when you become upset he either doesn’t understand because he has deluded himself a long time ago into thinking that he was justified. Or, he has been using you with no conscience whatever. Or, he minimizes like a good conflict avoidant cheater - I’ll offer an insincere apology and life will go back to normal... back to my fantasy life. The only problem is, his fantasy has become your reality. And, it’s not pretty...

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

34 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Also, had you never been to his house in two years?  Didn't you think that was weird??

Yes, I did but was able to make excuses for it in my head and he was able to make excuses for it so I just didn’t bring it up. 
 

and yes, when am he sends me pics of him and his daughter at the movies, playing dolls together, her and him all day, it made me see him as a great, reliable dad. He would talk to me about helping her with her online school and when she was sick and ask about my kids all the time.
 

He texted me yesterday that he was so sorry and what can he expect to happen when he sees me again and “if he’s in detention he wants me in there with him so he’s not alone” (going off the fact I’m a teacher). And he talked about the last time we met “I stole his soul from him” and the energy was amazing 🥺 and I have so much to offer as a woman. 
 

I haven’t responded yet but it’s too hard I’m going to have to ask him because my eyes have been constantly burning with tears and redness everyday. I can’t wrap my head around this and I wish I never even asked him anything in the first place. 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

I haven’t responded yet but it’s too hard 

The only valid response is F off you disgusting liar!  Leave me alone.  I HATE you & hope you burn in hell! 

Then you block him.  When you do that then you can cry & wallow for a while.  Then you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off & move forward.  

He's not in detention.  He is suspended from your life forever    

[LShalcy]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The only valid response is F off you disgusting liar!  Leave me alone.  I HATE you & hope you burn in hell! 

Then you block him.  When you do that then you can cry & wallow for a while.  Then you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off & move forward.  

I wish I could be so strong as to say this but I’m scared he will leave.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, LShalcy said:

I wish I could be so strong as to say this but I’m scared he will leave.

You should be scared he will stay.  Girl wake up.  You need him to leave.   

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

He texted me yesterday that he was so sorry and what can he expect to happen when he sees me again and “if he’s in detention he wants me in there with him so he’s not alone” (going off the fact I’m a teacher).

Again, he is thinking only of himself. That’s a half hearted and totally insincere apology if I’ve ever heard one. “ I’m sorry but, what can I do to get you back...” I would ask him - “Just what are you sorry for? I want to hear you tell me!” 

What he really wants to know is what does he have to do to get back to normal? He expects you to forgive him. He’s trying to manipulate you by playing on your emotions to take him back. 

The only response I would ever is exactly as Donnivain says - and I would tell him to stop contacting me or I would tell his wife. I would tell his wife either way, because she deserves to know the man to whom she is married. But, I wouldn’t entertain his lies anymore. 

 

[Allupinnit]

He's in DETENTION?  Oh that's cute.  He thinks this is all a silly joke/game.  WOW!  And you're heartbroken.  This guy is slick as snot.

It's clear you aren't going to be moving on from him, your'e so afraid he's going to LEAVE?! OH GIRL.

I'd start reading up on how to be content as the OW.  You're in for a long road ahead of you.  

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m scared he will leave.

You want him to leave!!

My God, this man has deceived you in the worst way!! How could you ever trust another word this man says...

Again, take a step back and try to take the emotion out of this. You daughter is married to a man who withholds his marital status for two years. What do you advise her to do? Do you want her to stay with this man? Would that be a smart decision for her? Do you want this man around your grandchildren?