After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

He's in DETENTION?  Oh that's cute.  He thinks this is all a silly joke/game.  WOW!  And you're heartbroken.  This guy is slick as snoT.

I know!! There is no remorse. There is no empathy. He thinks it’s a joke! It’s sociopathic. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

55 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

He's in DETENTION?  Oh that's cute.  He thinks this is all a silly joke/game.  WOW!  And you're heartbroken.  This guy is slick as snot.

It's clear you aren't going to be moving on from him, your'e so afraid he's going to LEAVE?! OH GIRL.

I'd start reading up on how to be content as the OW.  You're in for a long road ahead of you.  

😔 

I feel like I am in for a long road ahead of me. I don’t see how I’m going to move on quickly from this.
 

I’ve thankfully never had this happen to me before, but I have found out people I was casually  seeing did have girlfriends or fiancées but there was no emotion there, there was no relationship feelings so once I found out I didn’t care and it was easy to move on. 

I can’t see why I’m the OW all the time and not the wife 🥺

but this was different because I cared and he told me he cared. Hard to let that go. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

he sends me pics of him and his daughter at the movies, playing dolls together, her and him all day

This is sick. Downright sick. 

He uses his own child to bait unsuspecting women and betray her mother. 

OP, this man is not right in the head. He can't "leave" because it turns out he was never yours to begin with. You probably only know only a small fraction of who this weirdo actually is. I imagine there is still a lot more you don't know, and would probably send you reeling even further. 

He's an awful husband. He's a disgrace of a father. And he's a Grade-A manipulator. 

Remember that you don't know who you are really dealing with. You might not even know his real name. 

 

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I can’t see why I’m the OW all the time and not the wife 🥺

You don’t want this man as your husband. 

Do you honestly want a man for your husband who could carry on a secret relationship with another woman for two years? 

He’s not the man that you thought you knew. The one who has been laughing and loving with you. The one who showed you pictures of his child and talked about a future together. That man does not exist anymore. He never did. He is quite simply not who he said he was. He TOTALLY misrepresented himself to you! 

This man, is the kind of man who can deceive his wife by carrying on a secret relationship with another woman for years!! You only know the truth now because you figured it out!! He didn’t have a crisis of conscience and confess. He would still be lying to you if you hadn’t figured it out. And then, he told you but he STILL expects you to continue as if nothing is wrong. But, something is very wrong. 

If you read one thing, read this - I understand you are in shock. I understand that this is painful. But, you can’t afford to get this wrong. You can simply not afford to listen to your feelings right now. You can not let your heart make this decision. This man is not who you thought he was for these past two years. He is a danger to you and you need him GONE from your life now. This is not a time for delusion, you can simply not afford to lament the fact that you wish he was your husband - not hers. That is pure fantasy, it is not reality. You need to GET REAL NOW! You are not making a good decision if you allow this man to stay a part of your life. He is a danger to you, precisely because you think that you can’t lose him. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

On 5/6/2021 at 12:27 AM, LShalcy said:

I haven’t responded yet but it’s too hard I’m going to have to ask him because my eyes have been constantly burning with tears and redness everyday. I can’t wrap my head around this and I wish I never even asked him anything in the first place. 

[redacted]

He wasn't discovered. He TOLD you when he could just as easily continued to lie. He's just fine in the head and completely rational. Probably is mildly sociopathic.

What he gets out of this "fraud" is a relationship with you, that no doubt supplements what is (likely) a "ships passing in the night" marriage.

He thinks of this as "detention" because he doesn't realize just how much and how deeply he's hurt you. Probably because he is married and is not realizing how emotionally committed YOU are to this. He is your "one", you are his "one of two". Possibly he's never been cheated on or betrayed by someone he loves and trusts. At any rate he doesn't get it.

[redacted] I'll give you the same advice I would give ANYONE who's dealing with, essentially, a con man. Stay away. He is a con artist. He will take from you - in this case your "love" and a BF/GF relationship. But he will not give it back, at least not fully. He can't do that, because he's married. It's really that simple.

Edited May 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

I feel like I am in for a long road ahead of me. I don’t see how I’m going to move on quickly from this.🥺

* * * 

but this was different because I cared and he told me he cared. Hard to let that go. 

 

 

You were deceived.  He doesn't care.  You do & that is why you are hurt but it's all the more reason to get rid of him. 

Telling him to F off is actually the easy part.  The hard part as you know is that he will be gone & you will be alone again.  He hurt you.  It's OK to be sad.  It's not OK to stay.  It will take time to get passed this but you have to. 

A journey of 1.000 miles begins with a single step. 

- Lao Tzu 

You can do this but you have to start by getting rid of him!

[Allupinnit]

Were you not married before?

How old are you?

Are you generally attracted to unavailable men?  I'm asking because he's not the first attached guy you've found yourself tied up with.  You even made excuses for over two years for this guy to not even bring you over, or meet his daughter.  I'd have been wondering about that after a MONTH (maybe not the kid part).

It seems you like men who hold you at arm's length, you THINK you want this MM full-time but there was something about the affair dynamic that was appealing to you.  You're never the wife because you don't demand that for yourself.  You're worried about THIS one LEAVING you!  He can't leave you, because he's not yours!

 

[NYAG]

On 5/4/2021 at 5:37 PM, LShalcy said:

Please don’t reiterate how stupid I was to not see the signs, not know the obvious - I did see some signs, some uneasy feelings, but I chose to ignore them. I was able to find an excuse for everything.

And now I can’t get out.

We met two years ago online — immediately this was different - actual conversations all day, sending pics of our kids (he has a 4 year old, I have a toddler and older child), funny memes, sexual memes , everything. He would text me in the morning, at night, all hours of the day. The chemistry was undeniable - when we meet we can’t stop touching each other, kissing each other. He’s called me his dream woman, I’m amazing, he’s never done things to other people that he’s done to me (sexually)etc etc. 

After we met up last week I noticed he had on his work pants (he wears a uniform to work) and I thought that was weird because he works nights and it was night so he was obviously off. I didn’t question it but we spent the entire night together (we have never used protection and he came in me as usual). I couldn’t get over the pants thing though, so the next day I texted him “do you have a secret wife or something?”. He took hours to answer - it was then that I knew because he always answers me right away. He admitted that yes he was married and he didn’t know how to tell me, he was selfish but he couldn’t “let go off the chemistry and the connection we have” and he’s so sorry etc etc. 

I blew up of course, cursed him out. I told him I don’t know what to do anymore, he asks me “how much do I want him because I still have him and he still wants me, he can’t get over me.”

how can he possibly have a wife when he is in communication with me all day? He works nights and watches his daughter during the day and send me pics of them all the time. He texts me he can’t wait to see me, misses me all hours of the day? I asked him how does he manage to do it, he says “I find a way”. Why would he continue to have unprotected sex with me when there is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy when he has a wife? Why is he telling me we would made cute kids when he has a wife?
 

how can he possibly love his wife when he is telling me all of this?! This isn’t only a sexual affair, it’s emotional. We have made countless tapes etc together. If I were his wife I would be absolutely devastated if I ever saw any of the texts, the tapes. It would seem like my husband has a whole other “relationship” with a woman, not just a fling.This is more than just, “it happened once or twice, it was a mistake”.

And in some way, I don’t care about the feelings of his wife, she doesn’t seem real to me, just a faceless person who I hate.

I know I need to leave but it’s so hard. How did any of you manage to leave after going through something like this?

(sorry for any typos, grammatical errors...)

Simple fact here. He's treated you in exactly the same way as he's treated his wife, he's hid each of you from the other and from his secret life. I couldn't entertain someone who lied to me like that because whatever he said to you was designed to manipulate you for his gain. He was never yours and he never put your first and foremost. I'm so sorry for your situation after such a long time. Also don't hate his wife, he has treated you just the same way he treated her.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I can’t see why I’m the OW all the time and not the wife 🥺

I think your gut was trying to warn you a while ago that something was off about this man, though. Maybe you need to pay more attention to those instincts in the future. 

For example,  you said he always had excuses as to why you could not go his house. Did you honestly believe those excuses, or did you convince yourself to believe them? I am going to guess there were other things that weren't quite adding up for you as well. I say that because one occasion in which a man was wearing his work pants at night and you immediately knew what was going on. I am not sure many others would have spotted the connection right away unless they'd been suspicious before. 

Had this been playing on your mind for a while?

[Snakesalive]

On 5/4/2021 at 5:37 PM, LShalcy said:

Why would he continue to have unprotected sex with me when there is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy w

Everything about this situation is beyond awful and my heart goes out to you .  
When you think about him if nothing else think about how he was willing to let you fall pregnant and just walk away as he undoubtedly would have - the reason why he would continue to have unprotected sex is simple -because he could . Its despicable and yet another example of his selfishness . 
I can only add my voice to everyone else’s -life is too precious to waste it on someone like this 

[BaileyB]

On 5/4/2021 at 11:37 AM, LShalcy said:

I did see some signs, some uneasy feelings, but I chose to ignore them.

From her very first post. 

You had apparently decided a long time ago that you didn’t want to know the truth. It was not convenient, you did not want to believe that little voice that told you that something was very wrong. You disregarded that voice in much the same ways that you are trying very hard to dismiss the many voices that are telling you this relationship must end for your own well-being. That said, it has now come to a point where you can no longer claim ignorance. If you decide to stay with this married man, it is a conscious decision you make. You chose this unhealthy relationship, this pain, for yourself. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I feel like I am in for a long road ahead of me. I don’t see how I’m going to move on quickly from this.

You won’t.

Again, I hope that you find yourself a good counsellor - this is the kind of thing that destroys a woman’s ability to trust a man. If you hope to have another relationship and you want it to be a healthy, trusting relationship, you have a lot you will need to heal first. 

I’m sorry to say, you are at the beginning of this journey, not the end. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

If you make the irrational decision to stay with this horrible cheater, you are no longer a victim.  You would be a volunteer.  

Don't do that to yourself. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Minnie Moo]

@LShalcy

Hi. I’ve just read through your post and everyone’s responses.  
I am so so sorry for what you’re going through right now.  I can well imagine how awful you are feeling. 
I won’t reiterate or add to the fantastic advice you’ve already been given but just wanted to say. PLEASE listen to these lovely people who are trying their hardest to help and advise and comfort you.  I came to this forum a few months back with a situation that was breaking me.  These guys helped massively and it’s with their help that I’m still now maintaining no contact with my exMM and starting to feel better about myself and life in general as well as positive for the future.  

They know what they’re talking about. They are all saying the same thing. They are all willing you to make the best decision you can make for yourself and your future. Please do make the right one and tell him it’s over, block and delete him. You will feel absolutely sh*t for quite a while but you will come out the other side a better and stronger person for having kicked this arsehole to the curb and not let him deceive you any further.  
 

Huge hugs xx 
 

 

[Minnie Moo]

Just to add. 
I would also advocate telling his wife if you’re able to somehow. 
She has even more invested in this lying cheating scumbag than you do and deserves to know how much he has deceived and fooled her so she can then decide whether she wants to remain with him or not.  
 

Do not tell her because you’re hoping it will make him run to you - he won’t. He will beg and plead with her to forgive him and he will throw you under the bus so she believes his version of his story.  Tell her because she has a right to know that he isn’t who he claims to be and her marriage is based on lies and deceit and if he’s having unprotected sex with you (and likely others too) her health is at risk and she might not even know it.  
 

Someone I knew years ago was cheating on his wife. She only found out as he had to admit he’d had unprotected sex and had likely given her chlamydia- he had! She divorced his ass!!

Be strong. Be brave. Be honest with yourself and do the right thing. Please!  

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Minnie Moo said:

I would also advocate telling his wife if you’re able to somehow. 

@LShalcy  You can tell his wife but it won't make any difference.  She won't believe you.  You are a stranger to her.  She will believe whatever sob story  he tells her -- probably that you are some delusional nut who he took pity on & in return for his friendship you developed an unhealthy crush on him.  Telling his wife keeps you too invested.  Just tell him to F off & you walk away.  Karma will get him in the end.  It's not your responsibility.  

[BaileyB]

I don’t often disagree with you Donnivain, but I disagree with you here. I think she has a right to know. I don’t always say that, but I think there is merit for telling his wife in this situation. For so many different reasons, she needs to know. What she choses to do with that information is her decision. If there is a safe way to tell her, I would tell her. 

Lets just say, if I was this man’s wife, I would want to know. Without a doubt. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Minnie Moo]

He is abusing his wife by having unprotected sexual with other women.
(Sorry @LShalcybut I highly doubt you’re the first/last woman he’s duped)

He is putting her health at risk (and yours LShalcy)

She has a fundamental right to know that she’s at risk from STI or Diseases.  
 

Another good friend of mine. Her husband had multiple affairs over many years. Unprotected sex.  She kept getting UTI’s and other infections and couldn’t work out why until she uncovered his latest. affair.  
 

Both women need to get checked ASAP! 

[d0nnivain]

I am not disagreeing that the wife needs to know & should be checked for STDs. 

I am saying that the OP can't handle her own stuff right now.  Let's not further burden her with some imaginary obligation to tell the wife.  I also think that even if she does tell the wife, the wife will believe her lying sack of s*** husband so why put the OP through this? 

[Doorstopper]

I will argue for telling the wife ASAP. One of the things it do, that may help you, will be to immediately end the relationship forever. I know this sounds awful, and you don't know how you'll make it without him, but ripping the band-aid off is preferable to spending months agonizing over what to do, or worse; Staying in the relationship and becoming the OW who knows that she's involved with a married man. 

The sooner you take steps to move on, the quicker you will heal.

Good Luck!

Edited May 5, 2021 by Doorstopper
typos

[Minnie Moo]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I am not disagreeing that the wife needs to know & should be checked for STDs. 

I am saying that the OP can't handle her own stuff right now.  Let's not further burden her with some imaginary obligation to tell the wife.  I also think that even if she does tell the wife, the wife will believe her lying sack of s*** husband so why put the OP through this? 

She will believe him. 
BUT she actually might not. 
she might already have suspicions that then get confirmed 

he might have been caught before and blagged her into believing him. 
or she might be totally clueless. 
 

we don’t know. BUT it is sexual abuse and he’s hardly going to fess up to it.  Meanwhile she needs a test as does the OP 
 

[Wiseman2]

The work pants gave it away? Does he tell the wife  he's doing overtime or a nightshift?

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I am saying that the OP can't handle her own stuff right now.  Let's not further burden her with some imaginary obligation to tell the wife. 

I hear what you are saying and I don’t disagree. She has a decision to make and she needs to find some support. Those are the two primary needs at the moment and she is having difficulty doing these things right now. As such, telling his wife is perhaps not a priority. But, I hope with time, she will reconsider. She really deserves to know so that she can protect herself and her child. 

[Starswillshine]

As a former BS... I so wish one of his OW would have told me years ago!

[LShalcy]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I hear what you are saying and I don’t disagree. She has a decision to make and she needs to find some support. Those are the two primary needs at the moment and she is having difficulty doing these things right now. As such, telling his wife is perhaps not a priority. But, I hope with time, she will reconsider. She really deserves to know so that she can protect herself and her child. 

I have spent all day trying to process everything and reading and rereading all of the responses on this thread. Countless times I have responded to certain messages only to delete everything because At this point I still am so clueless and so hurt about everything I don’t know where I’m going to go from here. I know the advice I’ve been given about staying away from him should be followed — but I am so weak right now I don’t know that I can be strong enough to follow it. I know that if I see him, I can just look at him face to face, no sex no nothing just talk, maybe I’ll get some answers. Anyone who can lie to me like he did, and really have NO feelings must assuredly be crazy...? It still doesn’t make sense to me, I’ve been reading through two years of text messages and just wondering where he found the time? How can he even have love for his wife when I have these thousands of messages from him for so long? All hours of the day, everyday, morning and night and afternoons?

I wouldn’t know how to go about telling his wife unless I were to somehow get into his phone when he’s in the shower or something and finding her number. She couldn’t possibly think I was lying because I have all of these texts and all of these videos. There is no way they spend much time together, I just can’t fathom how they could, how could they even be close?

Yes, I knew there was something wrong for a while, since of course I’ve never been to his house and he was always very secretive about his Sunday’s and from the pictures he would send of him at home I could tell a woman had decorated because just of the pillows on the couch, little things that I was suspicious of. But I deluded myself into thinking that someone who gave me so much attention couldn’t possibly be simultaneously with another woman? When would he have the time? And he just Seemed so sincere. 
 

the thing about the unprotected sex is also really getting to me because we never used protection, never, and he always came in me and would tell me that we would have cute kids. Why would someone do that? I began thinking that he wouldn’t care if I got pregnant and that it might be a good thing. He seemed like a reliable, great dad taking care of his daughter all day. Even now he tells me he wasn’t lying when he said he only ever did certain things with me. 

At this point I am still processing and still trying to focus on my work and my daughters but I’m still a mess and my mind is constantly spinning and I am constantly crying. All day. I can’t continue like this. 
 

thank you to everyone who has offered their advice and their sympathy and even their sometimes  blunt but necessary and much appreciated assessment of this situation. 

Edited May 6, 2021 by LShalcy