After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[Snakesalive]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Surprisingly, shockingly, he tells me he’s leaving her for me,

This makes it sound like a competition-choosing you over her ….. Don’t be surprised in time if you’re the one he’s  leaving as reality kicks in 

If his marriage is over he needs to leave it for himself not for you . 

Edited November 3, 2021 by Snakesalive

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

We just talked about it yesterday. He said he is leaving her and will be telling her he is moving out. I told him that I was leaving for good if he stayed married. I won’t continue unless he does move out.  
 

 

Without a set date for him to do this it means absolutely nothing.  What timeline did you give him to get it done or else it's over?  If none, this is just you going around the mulberry bush again.

[elaine567]

Trouble is this is a guy who has spent 2 and a half years juggling two women.
He probably likes it, and gets a buzz from it, else he would have chosen one to be with as soon as LShalcy found him out, but he didn't..
He is likely not monogamous at heart.
Yes he may be weak or conflict avoidant who has found himself stuck in a corner,  but  he may just be a guy who needs more than one woman

[LShalcy]

20 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Except you are. You really don’t want him -especially on these terms . Let’s just say he leaves -this is not the two of you going off into the sunset together this is a whole lot more complicated than you can ever imagine-it’s not an extension of the fantasy you’ve been living in it’s real life . Men like these are often conflict avoidant-my ex mm was exactly that , he came across as being a very strong character but was actually very weak in many ways and when things blew up between us after we’d left our respective marriages he played the victim card , saying he was confused -pretty sad and pathetic really 

Do you want to be always wondering where he is , checking  his phone, wondering if he will go back to his wife with who he has children and  a shared history? And if he throws in the -“you gave me an ultimatum”you  forced me to choose  , I was confused etc etc “ you’ll realise as others have said he is no prize , there are no winners in this. 
 

The good news is you can come out of this stronger , start respecting yourself again , stop hiding in  the shadows , stop making poor choices , stop disrupting lives but you have to start the journey -it will be tough but believe me ending this and not looking back is the only way to start really living your best life. 

 

Except I am not pressuring him. I repeatedly told him that I don’t want him just saying what he thinks I want to hear, and making false promises. He repeatedly told me I’m not pressuring him and he’s wanted to leave her ever since he knew he wanted me to get pregnant. 
 

I also know he is very conflict avoidant and that he would prefer his wife end the marriage rather than him - he has become more reckless and told me he’s texting me in front of her and they’re fighting because she sees him talking to someone else; he has me meet him sometimes right around his house and meeting more of his friends when one of them might one day slip and tell the wife. I think maybe he’s hoping she ends it before he has to but I’m setting dates and if he doesn’t do it then I have to walk. 
 

yes, I know it’s not gonna be easy, but I guess I’m willing to see what happens 

[LShalcy]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Without a set date for him to do this it means absolutely nothing.  What timeline did you give him to get it done or else it's over?  If none, this is just you going around the mulberry bush again.

When we meet this weekend, I plan on setting dates. 

Edited November 3, 2021 by LShalcy

[ExpatInItaly]

I suppose if he comes to you, there will be one less goober on the market to deceive other women. So that's a plus. 

Until he starts doing it to you, too. 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

- he has become more reckless and told me he’s texting me in front of her and they’re fighting because she sees him talking to someone else; he has me meet him sometimes right around his house and meeting more of his friends when one of them might one day slip and tell the wife. I think maybe he’s hoping she ends it before he has to

And this is the guy you  really  want???
He is a nasty, cowardly piece of work.
One day it will be you he will be trying to get rid of...

[LShalcy]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I suppose if he comes to you, there will be one less goober on the market to deceive other women. So that's a plus. 

Until he starts doing it to you, too. 

Your positivity is so refreshing! 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

When we meet this weekend, I plan on setting dates. 

Did he only bring up the "we'll talk about my leaving her" when you threatened to end it? You can set all the dates and ultimatums you feel are right, but he'll have one excuse after the next. The kids, she won't sign papers, we can't sell the house, etc.

[elaine567]

51 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

When we meet this weekend, I plan on setting dates. 

So no pressure then?

[LShalcy]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So no pressure then?

I meant I didn’t pressure him to say that he was going to leave. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

...he’s wanted to leave her ever since he knew he wanted me to get pregnant. 

Good God no...
Do not bring another child into this mess.
Have you taken leave of your senses?  

[spiderowl]

LShalcy, would you lie to someone about being married?  If you were married and met someone else that you liked, would you omit to mention that you were married?  Is this the standard of guy you want in your life?

[LShalcy]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Good God no...
Do not bring another child into this mess.
Have you taken leave of your senses?  

No, Im not planning on getting pregnant; he said that he knew he wanted to leave his wife when he knew he wanted a baby with me. 

I never bought up getting pregnant. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, LShalcy said:

No, Im not planning on getting pregnant; he said that he knew he wanted to leave his wife when he knew he wanted a baby with me. 

I never bought up getting pregnant. 

So are you still having unprotected sex?

[lana-banana]

So...he said a bunch of things but did nothing whatsoever to prove it to you? I don't understand. How does this change anything at all?

[Girl Fade Away]

[ ] 

OP, I echo what other posters have said but will add that part (or maybe even most) of your attraction may be based on the fact he is unavailable.  Now that he will become available or so he says which has big question marks after it, consider the possibility you may no longer find him so enthralling.   From what I have read and seen that's the driving force behind these relationships.  And I know a few women whose married lovers left wives and the relationship fizzled.   Suddenly, he's available, no more hiding, no more secrecy, no more fantasy which can be very exciting.   Same for him.  Many men end up going back to their wives after leaving for their mistress for this reason.

When he said he will be leaving, what he meant is he will now consider leaving.  He never considered it before because he was never faced with the ultimatum.  So now he will think about and consider and only told you he will definitely to appease you.  Basically he lied, again, which is his standard modus operandi, you know that.    But he will drag his feet, tell you to 'just be patient.'  He will drag that out for as long as possible.  But with a 4 year child, it's highly doubtful he WILL leave, so be prepared for that. 

Edited November 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
inviting thread derail

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Your positivity is so refreshing! 

There is nothing positive about this situation, nor in your future with this guy. 

Might as well call it what it is - a trainwreck. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 when he knew he wanted a baby with me. . 

Make sure you use protection. Make him wear condoms. Bareback is not an option with someone who is sleeping with his wife and possibly others.

Get tested regularly for STDs if this ridiculous remark has convinced you to allow unprotected sex.

Keep in mind, it's not just the wife, sleazy men like this like to prowl just about anywhere.

 

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make sure you use protection. Make him wear condoms.

@LShalcy did I miss your response to @elaine567 question about this ? 
If you’re NOT using protection I’d say this speaks volumes -if you are I’m pleased you guys are taking at least some  level of responsibility and don’t totally have your heads in the fantasy life of an affair 

[LShalcy]

23 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

@LShalcy did I miss your response to @elaine567 question about this ? 
If you’re NOT using protection I’d say this speaks volumes -if you are I’m pleased you guys are taking at least some  level of responsibility and don’t totally have your heads in the fantasy life of an affair 

No, you didn’t miss it because I haven’t answered it.

and no, we do not use protection. 

[pepperbird2]

15 hours ago, LShalcy said:

Except I am not pressuring him. I repeatedly told him that I don’t want him just saying what he thinks I want to hear, and making false promises. He repeatedly told me I’m not pressuring him and he’s wanted to leave her ever since he knew he wanted me to get pregnant. 
 

I also know he is very conflict avoidant and that he would prefer his wife end the marriage rather than him - he has become more reckless and told me he’s texting me in front of her and they’re fighting because she sees him talking to someone else; he has me meet him sometimes right around his house and meeting more of his friends when one of them might one day slip and tell the wife. I think maybe he’s hoping she ends it before he has to but I’m setting dates and if he doesn’t do it then I have to walk. 
 

yes, I know it’s not gonna be easy, but I guess I’m willing to see what happens 

Woah, woah , woah there, let's back this  train up just a bit here. Here wants to get his OW pregnant? What kind of tool is he? You're having unprotected sex for goodness sake! " my marriage is ending, I'm cheating on my wife, I[m not even divorced yet, but let;s talk about getting pregnant and start having unprotected sex'?What sort of environment is that to bring a child into?

Come on, you're smarter than this. You have to know that's a terrible idea. What is going through his mind? The idea that he woudl even consider this shows how out of touch he is.

[Starswillshine]

In all normal relationships, conflict avoidance would be something to look down upon. 

In the affair, it is often used like the AP is some victim that the OW needs to rescue. 

I just do not get it. Why are these women putting up with such weak men? 

[elaine567]

On 5/6/2021 at 2:39 AM, LShalcy said:

the thing about the unprotected sex is also really getting to me because we never used protection, never, and he always came in me and would tell me that we would have cute kids.

 

[Snakesalive]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 

What just what “it’s getting to me” but just not enough to stop - seriously . Please be better than this @LShalcymaybe you think you don’t deserve better than this ?
if that’s the case I’m truly sorry you feel that way but come on the facts have been laid out for you by everyone here this is not ambiguous it’ couldn’t be clearer -what will it take for you to see this isn’t going to end well ? 

Edited November 4, 2021 by Snakesalive