After TWO YEARS - he's married! *updated*

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I just do not get it. Why are these women putting up with such weak men? 

Hard to wrap one's mind around. My take is that women with boundaries and decent self-esteem tend to reject these guys in the first place. 

When one is lacking both of those things, it follows that they don't have many boundaries within their affairs either. 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/5/2021 at 9:39 PM, LShalcy said:

the thing about the unprotected sex is also really getting to me because we never used protection, never, and he always came in me

At this point I am still processing and still trying to focus on my work and my daughters but I’m still a mess and my mind is constantly spinning and I am constantly crying.

Have you seen a physician (not only for STD testing) but for the depression/anxiety? 

Have you processed your divorce?  How is your co-parenting relationship with your kids' father? 

Are you going through midlife crisis and all the 'baby talk' makes you feel young again?

 Reflect on why all this happened. Perhaps unpack and sort some things out with a qualified therapist. 

This cheater is not the answer. He's more like heroin or any other poison that distracts you from other problems.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, LShalcy said:

and no, we do not use protection. 

For goodness sake, why not?  You are having sex with someone else's husband.  You are swapping germs with his wife and at risk of pregnancy.  This is just nasty.

[vla1120]

16 hours ago, LShalcy said:

....he has become more reckless and told me he’s texting me in front of her and they’re fighting because she sees him talking to someone else; he has me meet him sometimes right around his house and meeting more of his friends when one of them might one day slip and tell the wife. I think maybe he’s hoping she ends it before he has to but I’m setting dates and if he doesn’t do it then I have to walk. 
 

He sounds like a worm. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a worm. I would want him to stand up, be a man, and own his actions instead of cowardly waiting for his wife to end it.

[LShalcy]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

For goodness sake, why not?  You are having sex with someone else's husband.  You are swapping germs with his wife and at risk of pregnancy.  This is just nasty.

Not sure what you expect to read in The Other Man/Woman board, but pretty sure everyone is aware “the other man/woman” is always sleeping with someone else’s spouse…

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Not sure what you expect to read in The Other Man/Woman board, but pretty sure everyone is aware “the other man/woman” is always sleeping with someone else’s spouse…

Yeah, but they all aren't exposing themselves to pregnancy or STDs.

[introverted1]

Next update:  I'm pregnant and he never left his wife, they want to work it out.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Woah, woah , woah there, let's back this  train up just a bit here. Here wants to get his OW pregnant? What kind of tool is he? You're having unprotected sex for goodness sake! " my marriage is ending, I'm cheating on my wife, I[m not even divorced yet, but let;s talk about getting pregnant and start having unprotected sex'?What sort of environment is that to bring a child into?

Actually, there are three other children currently living with the decisions their parents are making - we are talking about potentially bringing a forth child into this circus. 

And considering that this poster has received advice for months now that unprotected sex - with this man and the others she has had unprotected sex with after discovery - and she has not changed her ways, I doubt that she is going to do so now.

Why are you here OP? It’s not because you want or are going to take any of the advice offered? Do you like the attention? What are you hoping to achieve here?

Edited November 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

The married AP leaving is rare, but certainly not unheard of. If you're going to choose to disregard the massive red flags and move forward with this, I would say take everything with a big grain of salt until he's actually moved out. I think many of the warnings given above are sensible given how tenuous the situation is.

I suspect that their marriage has mostly been at roommate level for a while, which is how he's gotten to this point. However it certainly is possible that he's just "saying the right words" to continue the affair. Only time will tell. Even if he's serious divorce is a big deal and if he hasn't even brought it up yet with her he probably doesn't know what the parameters might be in terms of spousal and child support, visitation, and how miserable she might try to make him over it. Overall this if FAR from a done deal.

[LShalcy]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

The married AP leaving is rare, but certainly not unheard of. If you're going to choose to disregard the massive red flags and move forward with this, I would say take everything with a big grain of salt until he's actually moved out. I think many of the warnings given above are sensible given how tenuous the situation is.

I suspect that their marriage has mostly been at roommate level for a while, which is how he's gotten to this point. However it certainly is possible that he's just "saying the right words" to continue the affair. Only time will tell. Even if he's serious divorce is a big deal and if he hasn't even brought it up yet with her he probably doesn't know what the parameters might be in terms of spousal and child support, visitation, and how miserable she might try to make him over it. Overall this if FAR from a done deal.

Yes, I am definitely not going to believe anything regarding his possible divorce until I see proof that he’s serious. I’m waiting until this weekend, when we can continue this discussion face-to-face, and he can tell me what his plans are.

I know it’s very rare, I know it’s not going to be easy,  but how many marriages end in divorce? Yes, there were massive red flags that I ignored,  but we genuinely love each other, I really believe that, and I’m willing to see what happens. I’m also concerned he’s at that point with his wife after only three years married (together around 6-7 I’m not sure), I feel that maybe he falls in love with someone quickly and maybe falls out of love just as quickly? 

yes, I might be back with a sob story wherein he went no contact with me, he’s not leaving, he’s decided he can’t leave his daughter, his wife wants to go to counseling etc etc. of course I’ve gone through all of the complications that could arise.

 

I’ve read plenty stories of men who have left for their AP and they’re still together, happy; conversely, I’ve also read countless stories of men who left for their AP, then went back to their wives, after only a few months or even a few years. 
 

I am willing to hear him out and see what he has to say. If he rejects timelines or says he can’t give me a date (to tell her, to see a lawyer), then it’ll hurt but I’ll have to get out of his life. 
 

[vla1120]

7 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I am willing to hear him out and see what he has to say. If he rejects timelines or says he can’t give me a date (to tell her, to see a lawyer), then it’ll hurt but I’ll have to get out of his life. 

If you had gotten out of his life as soon as you found out he is married, it would have been easier for you. The longer you wait (and hope) the harder it will be.

[LShalcy]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

If you had gotten out of his life as soon as you found out he is married, it would have been easier for you. The longer you wait (and hope) the harder it will be.

This is very true 😔

Edited November 4, 2021 by LShalcy

[vla1120]

17 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

If he rejects timelines or says he can’t give me a date (to tell her, to see a lawyer).....

This IS pressuring him to leave her, whether you believe it or not. You've already given him over two years of your precious life. He's not worth another minute. I wish you realized that fact. 

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’ve read plenty stories of men who have left for their AP and they’re still together, happy;

I wonder how many of these men lied to both women and lived a double life for two years before discovery…

I wonder how many women would stay after being lied to in this way and for this long…

Edited November 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[LShalcy]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I wonder how many of these men lied to both women and lived a double life for two years before discovery…

I wonder how many women would stay after being lied to in this way and for this long…

Yes obviously I was devastated that he lied to me. I don’t even want to revisit my past posts - my head was so messed up, I was so hurt. 

obviously, we’ve talked at length about it. I don’t need to go into our conversations, but suffice it to say I believe what he told me and why he did what he did. 

[LShalcy]

17 minutes ago, S2B said:

I wonder how she will feel when she’s pregnant, got and std and realizes he still isn’t leaving his wife…AND denies the pregnancy because he doesn’t want to pay child support! 

THAT is VERY likely - him leaving his marriage? Not likely!

It’s been over two years and I haven’t gotten an STD yet and am not concerned in gonna get one either. 

[Starswillshine]

19 minutes ago, S2B said:

I wonder how she will feel when she’s pregnant, got and std and realizes he still isn’t leaving his wife…AND denies the pregnancy because he doesn’t want to pay child support! 

THAT is VERY likely - him leaving his marriage? Not likely!

I'm concerned that she wants to get pregnant so that he will leave his wife. Since he gave her the excuse prior that he couldn't leave because of his daughter. So if she gave him a child, the hope means, he will leave for this child.

I just can't even wrap my brain around playing with fire like this... and bringing another life into this entire mess. 

[vla1120]

4 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

Yes obviously I was devastated that he lied to me. I don’t even want to revisit my past posts - my head was so messed up, I was so hurt. 

obviously, we’ve talked at length about it. I don’t need to go into our conversations, but suffice it to say I believe what he told me and why he did what he did. 

In other words, you've fallen hook, line and sinker for this cheating liar. Ugh. You SHOULD go back and read your previous posts. You were devastated. You risked your livelihood to stay involved with this "man." You were hurt, but apparently not hurt enough to put a permanent stop to the pain. You're still high on hopium, waiting for him to leave his wife and child. What will you do after this weekend, or next week, or next month, or next year when he STILL hasn't left his wife and child? Will you be the next OW to post something entitled "Do they ever leave their wife?"?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I'm concerned that she wants to get pregnant so that he will leave his wife.

Bingo. 

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I just can't even wrap my brain around playing with fire like this... and bringing another life into this entire mess. 

Totally agree- this whole situation actually makes he feel quite sad -sad for the innocent people that will be impacted by this and sad that lshalcy seems to have got so caught up in it  that she’s not thinking logically about her actions and the consequences  

[Snakesalive]

9 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

f you’re NOT using protection I’d say this speaks volumes

….about what you and the MM are really thinking ….

MM “ if she gets pregnant I will have to leave because my wife will throw me out -the decision will be made for me 

OW: if I get pregnant Ive won -plus he’ll leave his wife , id like  another child anyway - ’ll be difficult but lots of people make this work and  we’re in love right? 
 

Edited November 4, 2021 by Snakesalive

[RebeccaR]

10 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

….about what you and the MM are really thinking ….

MM “ if she gets pregnant I will have to leave because my wife will throw me out -the decision will be made for me 

OW: if I get pregnant Ive won -plus he’ll leave his wife , id like  another child anyway - ’ll be difficult but lots of people make this work and  we’re in love right? 
 

The thing is, they haven’t been taking any sort of precautions for 2 years so maybe this whole pregnancy thing is a fantasy on his part. Maybe he’s infertile (maybe his daughter is really a stepdaughter), or maybe he had a vasectomy. It’s odd that a fertile couple would have no pregnancy in 3 years of constant unprotected sex.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I'm concerned that she wants to get pregnant so that he will leave his wife.  ...  I just can't even wrap my brain around playing with fire like this...

Very true. OP, definitely don't get pregnant until he's all the way left, if then. You should be using protection and/or BC or both IMO. I suspect you really would be crushed if you got pregnant but then he didn't leave, which is NOT outside of the realm of possibility.

Edited November 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I know it’s very rare, I know it’s not going to be easy,  but how many marriages end in divorce? Yes, there were massive red flags that I ignored,  but we genuinely love each other, I really believe that, and I’m willing to see what happens.
 

Being willing to see what happens isn't entirely crazy. Just expecting it to would be. But sounds like you're prepared for various outcomes, which is wise.

[LShalcy]

2 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

The thing is, they haven’t been taking any sort of precautions for 2 years so maybe this whole pregnancy thing is a fantasy on his part. Maybe he’s infertile (maybe his daughter is really a stepdaughter), or maybe he had a vasectomy. It’s odd that a fertile couple would have no pregnancy in 3 years of constant unprotected sex.

His daughter is definitely not his stepdaughter and he hasn’t had a vasectomy.

It just hasn’t happened.

and since everyone is pushing the “she wants to get pregnant to trap him” narrative, I would like to reiterate that HE is the one who bought that up during the conversation when I told him I couldn’t stay anymore as long as he stayed married.

After he told me he wanted to leave her, I kept asking if he was sure. That’s when he tells me that, “yes, he’s sure, he’s been sure ever since he’s realized he didn’t care about the consequences of me getting pregnant while he was still married because he wants me in his future and he wants to leave her”.

And of course I would be devastated if I did wind up pregnant and he didn’t leave his wife.