Replacements for a Relationship

[FMW]

3 hours ago, czanclus said:

that most people actually never experience real limerence, intense wanting and even love for someone they couldn't have or had but one way or another lost.

I won't challenge that assertion, however, I will challenge that it can only be handled in one way.  I loved intensely and passionately, and I lost.  In a humiliating way.  But even at the height of the hurting, I didn't lose the feeling that at some point I would have a happy relationship.  I just recently reread my first thread here that documented what happened and how I was feeling.  

The couple of years that followed I spent having fun with friends, engaging in activities that made me happy, and I even had a year long FWB. 

I'm in a really great relationship now, but even if it crashes and burns at some point, I seriously doubt I'll ever think I will be single forever.  

Your attitude about loss and the rejections that come along have a lot to do with your ability to be happy and fulfilled and therefore much more likely to connect with someone great (if that's what you want). 

Edited May 9, 2021 by FMW

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, czanclus said:

I didn't realize until comfortably into middle age that most people actually never experience real limerence, intense wanting and even love for someone they couldn't have or had but one way or another lost.

I guess my question is - is it really a bad thing if people never experience limerence, intense wanting or love for someone couldn’t have or had but lost? That’s not really on my bucket list. 

4 hours ago, czanclus said:

At 'best,' it's a slew of failed 'marriage-minded projects' until the majority settles, and the remainder exhaustedly throws in the towel. They will have no way of relating. Not to disparage and judge other people's choices and priorities, but most of them are in the kinds of relationships that only on the surface look like something worth coveting, but that you yourself would rather gouge your intestines out than ever be involved in for a day.

Well, that’s a pretty cynical view of relationships. When you put it like that, I have to wonder why anyone gets or stays married. 

The fact of the matter is, most people do feel love for their partner when they meet and marry. Just because that love changes and it’s not the intense wanting of infatuation (as you describe) doesn’t mean that they are left bereft, something that would make an individual want to gouge their intestines out rather than be involved in for one day. Of course, there are some people who stay together in what are very miserable marriages. But, there are many that settle into a long term partnership - hopefully a comfortable, peaceful, and loving relationship. 

[czanclus]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I guess my question is - is it really a bad thing if people never experience limerence, intense wanting or love for someone couldn’t have or had but lost? That’s not really on my bucket list. 

Personally, I don't think it's bad at all. This is a good example of 'ignorance is bliss'. Limerence is the epitome of suffering, and doubtful anyone would have suffering on their bucket list. I've experienced it three times in my life, and if I could erase the memories of it eternal-sunshine-spotless-mind-style, I would. I may or may not keep just one, the first one. All the prior on condition that I maintain the wherewithal to never repeat it.

My point was to support mortensorchid's advice to the OP to keep these (heartbreaks/ feelings of longing/loneliness) to oneself, because the majority of people, having never experienced these by wisdom or sheer circumstance, just won't know how to relate. I don't know what makes certain people, like myself, more prone to 'falling for' people that they sometimes can't have and other times lose. My life would likely have been easier if I could turn off the feeling that there aren't enough feelings for some partner with whom otherwise comforts were greater. It is what it is.  

[FMW]

I don't think it's bad or good, we all have our own experiences.  I read things on LS sometimes that I can't relate to at all, but that's part of the interesting thing here, realizing that our experiences and our opinions vary widely.  I always hate the "I would never" or similar comments.  I've learned over time that sometimes you don't react in the way you think you would, or hope you would, to something you have never previously experienced. 

 

[czanclus]

On 5/9/2021 at 7:32 PM, BaileyB said:

Well, that’s a pretty cynical view of relationships. When you put it like that, I have to wonder why anyone gets or stays married. 

I'm no oracle, but I'm gonna venture because their views are not as cynical? Because they are not willing or able to subject themselves to the trials of living unpartnered? I mean, far be it for me to prescribe 'the right way' of living to humanity, I'm just indicating what does or doesn't work for me. In fact, it is people like me that feel they need to frequently 'explain themselves' before the silently or not-so-silently judgmental council of humans in their circles on their 'gauche' life choices. We, single-by-choice* people, are the losers/weirdos in this universe, not the other way around.

On 5/9/2021 at 7:32 PM, BaileyB said:

The fact of the matter is, most people do feel love for their partner when they meet and marry. Just because that love changes and it’s not the intense wanting of infatuation (as you describe) doesn’t mean that they are left bereft, something that would make an individual want to gouge their intestines out rather than be involved in for one day. Of course, there are some people who stay together in what are very miserable marriages. But, there are many that settle into a long term partnership - hopefully a comfortable, peaceful, and loving relationship. 

Even love that began as intense wanting/infatuation changes to a more 'mundane' set of interactions as the couple settles into a life together, but the difference between that initial passion without abandon existing and having never existed is in my view a whole other realm of relationship quality. I didn't mean to imply that I hurl vomit at others' relationships that occurred absent of the criterion of passionate desire of someone, and can completely see how certain people are much better off with a mediocre partner than being alone. Just not for me. Unless maybe a lot of money is involved. The kind that buys me out of the need to work for income reality and catapults me to an indolent housewife with many hobbies, intellectual and artistic pursuits, and fulfilling community projects stratosphere. At this stage in life, I declare with no shame, I'd be open to that. 🙂

[chillii]

Dunno your age op but you just never do know though , anything can surprise through life next bend. But you know you and your life so if you think it probably won't then, and you'd know all the suggestions and standard stuff here too. lf it was me l'd be thinking over time about just what sort of life would make me happy then , things l'd like in it and the lifestyle l'd love. One thing about being single , your free to do and live any way and anywhere you want.

Edited May 11, 2021 by chillii

[Alpacalia]

 I want a (yeah, ooh, nevermind).

2 hours ago, chillii said:

One thing about being single , your free to do and live any way and anywhere you want.

 

[BC1980]

I actually don't think there is anything that can replace a romantic relationship. That is a unique type of bond and experience you have with someone. I also think it's normal to need that type of relationship with another human being. It doesn't mean you have to live a sad life if you are single. But for the majority of people, something is missing if you don't have that type of relationship with someone. 

[chillii]

Of course , but eh , she's probably not thinking in the real replace type thing as such but there's no reason why you can't still be happy.

[MeadowFlower]

9 hours ago, chillii said:

One thing about being single , your free to do and live any way and anywhere you want.

You'll also not have them leave you.

[MeadowFlower]

5 hours ago, BC1980 said:

I actually don't think there is anything that can replace a romantic relationship. That is a unique type of bond and experience you have with someone. I also think it's normal to need that type of relationship with another human being. It doesn't mean you have to live a sad life if you are single. But for the majority of people, something is missing if you don't have that type of relationship with someone. 

This right here ^

👍

[dramafreezone]

On 5/5/2021 at 11:34 AM, MeadowFlower said:

Thank you to the posters who gave suggestions. 

To the others saying that I need therapy.... I do not. I don't need 'fixing' for feeling any way that I might. And in regards to a pity party, looks like I'm human. 

 

Everyone needs therapy, probably most of all people that don't think they need it, if for no other reason than to get a clean bill of mental health.  Therapy sessions should be as common as teeth cleanings.

Edited May 13, 2021 by dramafreezone

[chillii]

Haaaa , they probably are now if this place is anything to go by but eh , people are more messed up than ever.