Pregnant side chick

[Bdiana88]

Yes, I know how bad it sounds. That’s pretty much the whole story & where we’ve ended up. My child’s father told me there’s no way I can stay living here once I have the baby as we live in a small city where everybody knows everyone else’s business and he doesn’t want his girlfriend to find out about the baby. I was in the wrong for entertaining him in the first place so do I have an obligation to move and keep this private? At the same time I don’t want to ‘hide’ my child from anybody, I’m excited to be a mother regardless of the situation. I just don’t want things to be more messy than they already are. Any thoughts or advice are appreciated. 

[BaileyB]

Well, congratulations on the baby. Do you have the financial and social supports required raise a child as a single parent? If you do, and you want this child, I say do what feels right to you. 

In no way am I moving because the father of my child wants to banish me (and his own child) to prevent his girlfriend from finding out. In fact, I would go directly to a lawyer to file for child support. 😊 Gone are the days when anyone cares who your child’s father is - there will be kids at school with “two mothers” and a father who refers to himself as “they.” His concern is only for himself and his desire to protect his relationship. My concern would be for my child. I could care less whether his girlfriend finds out or leaves him. This is the consequence of his decision to have sex with another woman. If his girlfriend learns the truth and decides to leave him, I would would say he is getting exactly what he deserves. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Bdiana88 said:

. My child’s father told me there’s no way I can stay living here once I have the baby as we live in a small city.

Don't do anything. Don't move. Who is this clown? The mayor?

Get a paternity test after it's born and file for child support. Rather than move, tell his GF.

Why be a secret and allow this creep to treat you like a concubine?

Make sure if anyone asks while you are pregnant, that you tell everyone who the father is.

[Bdiana88]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't do anything. Don't move. Who is this clown? The mayor?

Get a paternity test after it's born and file for child support. Rather than move, tell his GF.

Why be a secret and allow this creep to treat you like a concubine?

Make sure if anyone asks while you are pregnant, that you tell everyone who the father is.

I look foolish for continuing to entertain him. It’s been ongoing for too long and his girlfriend is already aware of me. I have the means to support myself and my baby but going after him for child support is pointless, he has an average job and 4 children already. I should have chosen my child’s father more carefully but here we are. I’m just trying to avoid more drama so me and my child can live peacefully. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Bdiana88 said:

do I have an obligation to move and keep this private?

Of course not. 

He doesn't get to dictate the terms of your life. Too bad if his girlfriend finds out. In fact, she has every right to know that her boyfriend has another family.  

Edited May 5, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, Bdiana88 said:

I have the means to support myself and my baby but going after him for child support is pointless, he has an average job and 4 children already.

He has four children and a girlfriend? She is not the mother of his children? 

I would still expect some child support. 

If she already knows about you, then he is just trying to keep your child hidden. And that is not ok. 

I wish you well during your pregnancy. Be well. 

[Stupidkupid]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He has four children and a girlfriend? She is not the mother of his children? 

I would still expect some child support. 

If she already knows about you, then he is just trying to keep your child hidden. And that is not ok. 

I wish you well during your pregnancy. Be well. 

Amen to this. If he already has other kids he has to pay for that's his problem. He doesn't get to flake on his responsibility. He is a 50/50 here, that's his problem.

[d0nnivain]

If YOU want to move away from the gossip & are concerned that the town busybodies will hurt your child moving might shield you both but you are not obligated to move because the lying cheater wants you out of sight & out of mind.  

Going after the father for child support is not pointless.  It's not your money.  CS belongs to the child.  Good for you that you can support yourself & your child but collect that CS anyway.  If you don't need it, open a bank account for your child & sock away every cent.  Then when your child is old enough they will have a financial foundation.  To deprive your kid of money that belongs to the kid is foolish & wrong.  

[understand50]

Bdiana88,

I do not see the issue.  Looks like he goes about getting women pregnant.  Why women allow this, is another thing.  Look, go after child support.  He needs to be on the hook for it legally, as you never know what the future will bring, and it is for your child.  You may also want to look inside you self and ask why you allowed yourself to have a child with him.  Keep in mind, it is not the child fault, as they are the true innocent here. Being a single mother is going to be hard, and you will need support and help.  I hope you find it.

I wish you luck...

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, Bdiana88 said:

 Any thoughts or advice are appreciated. 

I agree that you're under no obligation to him to move or to keep quiet about who the father is. You dictate the terms of your life, he dictates the terms of his. If he really wants to not live together, then maybe let him move?

I also agree it would be wise for paternity to be conclusively determined and for him to be legally on the hook for child support. IMO, this is in the child's best interests. You should strongly consider at least talking to a lawyer and seeing what the broad parameters might actually be before deciding on your own that "it doesn't make sense". Possibly there is a way you can legally decline it in some jurisdictions, as no doubt there are those few who wish to do this in the world, although again that would be a question for a lawyer.

[lana-banana]

If the OP knows that he is already stretched very thin financially, I can see why she doesn't want to pursue a legal child support arrangement. There is unfortunately a low point at which child support requirements can cause more harm than good; if he is making little to no money with no prospect for advancement, there's not much sense in it. A court order to give her money he doesn't have doesn't help her or the child, and if his wages are garnished for very long it only makes it harder for him to earn anything.

However, OP should still legally establish paternity. Even if he can't pay a dime, your child deserves to know who their biological father is, and you may change your mind about custody arrangements or support obligations in the future. Talk to a lawyer to determine what's best for your child and how to get what you need.

[Allupinnit]

Oh yeah you're not going anywhere, it's time to pay the piper buddy.  Stay where you are with your support system and don't worry about where his cards fall.  

Does he REALLY expect to keep a secret child away from his girlfriend?  LOL!

[Bdiana88]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

Oh yeah you're not going anywhere, it's time to pay the piper buddy.  Stay where you are with your support system and don't worry about where his cards fall.  

Does he REALLY expect to keep a secret child away from his girlfriend?  LOL!

Sounds crazy right 

[Bdiana88]

2 hours ago, lana-banana said:

If the OP knows that he is already stretched very thin financially, I can see why she doesn't want to pursue a legal child support arrangement. There is unfortunately a low point at which child support requirements can cause more harm than good; if he is making little to no money with no prospect for advancement, there's not much sense in it. A court order to give her money he doesn't have doesn't help her or the child, and if his wages are garnished for very long it only makes it harder for him to earn anything.

However, OP should still legally establish paternity. Even if he can't pay a dime, your child deserves to know who their biological father is, and you may change your mind about custody arrangements or support obligations in the future. Talk to a lawyer to determine what's best for your child and how to get what you need.

He has 4 children with 2 different women. His current and another and doesn’t have the means to even support them. He’s never denied that it is his child as he knows full well that it is, I don’t want to try to force a relationship as he’s made it clear he never wanted the child and that he wanted me to abort my pregnancy but I choose not to do so. 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Bdiana88 said:

 he’s made it clear he never wanted the child and that he wanted me to abort my pregnancy but I choose not to do so. 

If his financial position is that precarious, he should have taken better care to avoid pregnancy with you.  

That child didn't ask to be conceived but it deserves basic human rights:  food clothing & shelter.  Wanted or not, as the father he has the legal OBLIGATION to support his offspring.  

Assume you are not going to get diddly squat from him & prepare to support & love your child but file the paperwork anyway.  Who knows the bio father may win the lottery or otherwise come into money. You want that claim on record.  It's your kid's money.  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Bdiana88 said:

I have the means to support myself and my baby but going after him for child support is pointless.

"Going after him", is not revenge, it's the legal right of the child, which you, as the parent, have to procure.

[lana-banana]

Talk to a lawyer. We're still just strangers on the internet. Only you and a lawyer can figure out what's in your best interest.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I wouldn't try to unravel this man's life in any way, including going after child support or announcing to people who the child's father is. People like to talk about consequences for the man, but what about the woman who is equally responsible for having helped a man cheat and who let herself get pregnant?

[redacted]

Edited May 6, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Bdiana88 said:

He was fully aware I wasn’t on birth control.

Why are you having sex with this man when you are not on birth control? 

First, I’m assuming you know he has other four children. He may not know where babies come from, but I’m assuming that you do.

Second, you knew that he had a girlfriend, did you not? You pass judgment on her for staying when she has caught him “constantly disregarding your family, relationship and trust” and yet, here you are having unprotected sex with the man? I’m sorry to be blunt, but that’s also a choice - and it’s not a good one. 

Edited May 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, Bdiana88 said:

He was fully aware I wasn’t on birth control. 

Were you trying to concieve?

When you have unprotected sex pregnant is the nicest thing that can happen to you.  Are you are aware that many STDs are incurable or may cause death?  

[Bdiana88]

59 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Were you trying to concieve?

When you have unprotected sex pregnant is the nicest thing that can happen to you.  Are you are aware that many STDs are incurable or may cause death?  

 

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Why are you having sex with this man when you are not on birth control? 

First, I’m assuming you know he has other four children. He may not know where babies come from, but I’m assuming that you do.

Second, you knew that he had a girlfriend, did you not? You pass judgment on her for staying when she has caught him “constantly disregarding your family, relationship and trust” and yet, here you are having unprotected sex with the man? I’m sorry to be blunt, but that’s also a choice - and it’s not a good one. 

Definitely not my finest moment. But it happened and what’s done is done. 

[Bdiana88]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Were you trying to concieve?

When you have unprotected sex pregnant is the nicest thing that can happen to you.  Are you are aware that many STDs are incurable or may cause death?  

I was not trying to conceive, before him I was in a 10 year relationship and could not get pregnant, I was told by a doctor I had very slim chances of getting pregnant. I also am aware I was playing Russian roulette with my health. Which I admit was not a good decision. 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Bdiana88 said:

Instead of coming to me and asking me if her boyfriend was being unfaithful she thought it was a good idea to blast me on social media and made it a point to say I was jealous of her family because I can’t have my own children ... karma works in mysterious ways. I’ll probably get mine In the end too and I’m fine with that. 

Obviously not her finest moment either... but, you were having sex with her partner and you became pregnant by him. I have to say, her anger is justified. If you are going to have sex with a man who is otherwise committed, this is one of the possible consequences. You were somewhere you should not have been. 

Edited May 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Bdiana88]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Obviously not her finest moment... but, you were having sex with her partner and you became pregnant by him. I have to say, her anger is justified. You were somewhere you should not have been. 

Ok ... still not sorry. If you stay with somebody who consistently cheats on you I don’t feel bad for you. I did it for a lot of years and never blamed it on the other woman as it was my SO’s responsibility to stay loyal to me regardless. 

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, Bdiana88 said:

, before him I was in a 10 year relationship and could not get pregnant

OK so this is an important pregnancy for you.
If I were you I would stay out of this man's life and away from his gf.
You don't really need the stress and as long as you continue to push buttons and stick around then the chaos that will ensue will not do you or your child any favours.
He has no money, you don't need his money which is a great place to be.
If it is at all possible for you to get away and make a nice life elsewhere free from all this hassle  and hate, then it may be your best option.