My husband showed my nudes without my knowledge

[GGH]

So my husband thought it would be sexy to reveal to me that he showed his best friend nude photos of me. I immediately became upset(he expected me to be fine with it). I tried explaining to him that it’s a violation of my privacy, the pictures were for his eyes only, that I feel betrayed and that he has broken my trust. That obviously ruined the night for me, but he insisted that he had to explain that it wasn’t a bad thing because he didn’t send them to his friend, He merely showed it to him. He tried to elaborate and defend himself saying that he only did it because he is proud of my body and that he thought I’d be happy that he would want to show me off. He also reassured me that no one would ever believe his friend and that if he ever said anything he’d be in trouble. I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, I was freaking out in my mind so I just told him it was alright but that I ’m just sad and disappointed. He even tried to play it down by telling me how another one of his friends cheats on his wife (I’m assuming to make his slight look less offensive). I don’t know what to do about this. At the end, he said he was actually mad at me because my reaction wasn’t what he wanted and that he doesn’t understand why I don’t trust him. 

[Trail Blazer]

Yeah, that isn't cool.  You have every right to be upset and he had no right to show anyone!  I don't know where you go from here. 

Your husband needs to understand why you're upset.  Just keep communicating this to him until it gets into his head.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

In this day and age, if you're going to send explicit photos to anyone, don't show your head or any identifying tattoos in the photos. Once you hit Send, you've permanently lost control of them. The person you've sent them to can show others, the phone might get lost or stolen, etc...

How long have you been married, and do you have children with him? The answers to those questions would determine what I would do, if I were you.

[d0nnivain]

Alas it's not that uncommon.  

I was at an industry event back in the late 1990s before every phone had a camera when a colleague from another company began passing around sexy photos of his wife.  I was seated at a table of 10 with 9 men; I was the only woman.  I was horrified on her behalf & gave them all a piece of my mind.  All the men at the table defended him saying how lucky he was that he had a sexy wife & that most women would take it as a compliment.  

I suggest asking him how he would feel if you showed pictures of his junk to your GFs or better yet if you gawked at pictures of their husbands & BFs who happened to be more well endowed then his is.  

I would be enraged if my SO did this.  I'd probably dig up old articles about Lorrena Bobbit (the woman who cut off her man's privates when he was asleep) & leave them around the house with little written comments about how you understand what drove her to this.  (Of course I would never do what she did but sometimes you have to put the fear of God into them)

[GGH]

3 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

In this day and age, if you're going to send explicit photos to anyone, don't show your head or any identifying tattoos in the photos. Once you hit Send, you've permanently lost control of them. The person you've sent them to can show others, the phone might get lost or stolen, etc...

How long have you been married, and do you have children with him? The answers to those questions would determine what I would do, if I were you.

6 years. We have 1 boy. I did have the presence of mind to not show my face or anything. He basically implied that I should have peace of mind because 1. He didn’t send them, only showed them. 2. His friend won’t say anything because he trusts him. 

[GGH]

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Yeah, that isn't cool.  You have every right to be upset and he had no right to show anyone!  I don't know where you go from here. 

Your husband needs to understand why you're upset.  Just keep communicating this to him until it gets into his head.

I have and will keep telling him. However I feel a bigger issue arises, I don’t want to feel like I have to warn him about what he can and cannot do, I thought it was common sense would tell him that wasn’t a good idea. 

[GGH]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Alas it's not that uncommon.  

I was at an industry event back in the late 1990s before every phone had a camera when a colleague from another company began passing around sexy photos of his wife.  I was seated at a table of 10 with 9 men; I was the only woman.  I was horrified on her behalf & gave them all a piece of my mind.  All the men at the table defended him saying how lucky he was that he had a sexy wife & that most women would take it as a compliment.  

I suggest asking him how he would feel if you showed pictures of his junk to your GFs or better yet if you gawked at pictures of their husbands & BFs who happened to be more well endowed then his is.  

I would be enraged if my SO did this.  I'd probably dig up old articles about Lorrena Bobbit (the woman who cut off her man's privates when he was asleep) & leave them around the house with little written comments about how you understand what drove her to this.  (Of course I would never do what she did but sometimes you have to put the fear of God into them)

That part where the men all said it was a compliment etc, that’s his excuse too. And because we’re best friends he feels like he can trust me with his confession about showing MY body off. 

[jspice]

3 hours ago, GGH said:

That part where the men all said it was a compliment etc, that’s his excuse too. And because we’re best friends he feels like he can trust me with his confession about showing MY body off. 

I suggest you show his nudes around. Make sure you show them to women who know  him as well and also make sure he knows about it. If you don’t have idea of him, I’m sure he won’t mind posing for a couple. It’s a compliment, right?

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, GGH said:

At the end, he said he was actually mad at me because my reaction wasn’t what he wanted and that he doesn’t understand why I don’t trust him. 

... because he showed nude photos of you to his friend without your consent. 

That’s why you don’t trust him!!

How can he be this dense? Yes, while you are at it - show your sister, and the woman who cuts his hair, and your neighbours some nude photos of him - maybe that will help him to understand how this is a total invasion of your privacy. 

Furthermore, make him delete every last photo and never, ever take a nude photo with him again! He has lost that privilege...

Edited May 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

I am not sure if showing his pics to your friends would be a problem to him, some guys love showing off their bits.
Unless he is weeny he won't care, in fact he may be pleased you would do that. 
Just like you were supposed to be pleased he showed your pics to his mate.

Some men are obsessed by sex and porn so it is nothing to him to show off nudes of his wife to his mate(s).
"Look who I am scr*wing."
He doesn't get that you are a human being and are mortified, he has objectified you.
He has used you to increase his status. "If I can get that, then how great a guy must I be?..." 
 
As you have a child together I guess you don't want a divorce but now you are stuck in a marriage with a clueless, disrespectful, sex obsessed man.
Poor you.

[Atwood]

Yikes. That would spell out divorce for me. It isn't just the fact that he's broken your boundaries and trust by doing this, but even worse he's trying to convince you that you shouldn't be mad or upset and you're so lucky because he doesn't cheat on you? Shocking lack of empathy and self-reflection abilities. Not emotionally intelligent enough for me. 

Easy for to me to say as I'm unattached, but I would recommend not backing down on this. Do not apologise or try to come around to his view. He broke your boundaries and he needs to see that, apologise and not do it again. He actually need to get some sort of understanding of how what he did was seriously wrong and be genuinely remorseful. Take some time explaining this as calmly as you can to him. If he doesn't get it, you could try showing him this thread but honestly I'd be concerned if he can't take it from you that it's hurtful and wrong. 

[Wiseman2]

Ask to see his phone/devices and go through and delete all your images from them.

Tell him you won't allow any more nudes to be taken of yourself.

His denial, excuses etc. are as disrespect as his treating you like property.

He talked at you about you as if he were merely showing friends picks of a car or dog.

Stop discussing this with him. Just take his devices and delete your images.

Consider talking to trusted friends and family and a therapist about his attitude and actions.

Edited May 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[GeorgiaPeach1]

14 hours ago, GGH said:

6 years. We have 1 boy. I did have the presence of mind to not show my face or anything. He basically implied that I should have peace of mind because 1. He didn’t send them, only showed them. 2. His friend won’t say anything because he trusts him. 

In this case, I don't recommend divorce if he otherwise treats you and your son well. Going forward, don't pose for any more pictures and like Wiseman said, ask to see his phone and delete your intimate images.

[SumGuy]

On 5/6/2021 at 10:39 AM, GGH said:

.... At the end, he said he was actually mad at me because my reaction wasn’t what he wanted and that he doesn’t understand why I don’t trust him. 

Seriously he betrays you and then makes it your problem?  Classic DARVO type response, first the minimization, then the reversal of victims.   Major red flag.

Also a real scummy thing to do, your friend has seen them he can't unsee them.   That is just going to be peachy next time you meet.

Personally I'd talk to a divorce lawyer and see if there are any revenge porn laws to protect you.

[SumGuy]

22 hours ago, GGH said:

That part where the men all said it was a compliment etc, that’s his excuse too. And because we’re best friends he feels like he can trust me with his confession about showing MY body off. 

That is a bullshit excuse, all sleazy, "no means yes" men sure.  But all men, not even.  He has no idea of friendship, its a one way street for him; that he would think this is OK shows he has no idea who you are....you're just bragging rights.   I do agree with the idea of getting rid of those photos, he may have copies on a computer etc. 

Talk to a lawyer and see how bad it s but could "take" the computer and phone and give it to a lawyer, let him call the cops and take you to court over it (assuming that as his spouse you don't have rights in these devices yourself).  I can see now him explaining to the judge.  If you can legally record him without his knowledge where you live, check that with a lawyer, consider doing so to prevent future denials, and also his friend form perjuring himself latter.

If it comes to divorce this is the kind of thing that puts him in a very bad light.  Let him make his explanations to a court and see how far they get.   You don't have to take him to the cleaners but good to be in the drivers seat, and would you trust your daughters with such a man?   This "proud of you" mentality is very close to what almost happened to a friend of my when she was sixteen with a family friend...luckily she had here head about her but others dismissed it...yah just some nude photos because you are so beautiful.

[d0nnivain]

I agree with @Wiseman2 You need to go through every device and delete every single nude & never take another one.  Only you know if you you trust him when he says he doesn't have back ups & didn't hide them to the cloud.  

[mark clemson]

On 5/6/2021 at 7:39 AM, GGH said:

it’s a violation of my privacy, the pictures were for his eyes only, that I feel betrayed and that he has broken my trust.

That's exactly it in a nutshell.

It sounds like he meant no harm, but you many need to explain to him so that/unitl he understands. Consider asking him how he'd feel if you showed pics of his penis and/or Dad bod to your friends "for discussion" without asking him first.

Bottom line is that ANYONE/EVERYONE needs to ask before doing this sort of thing. It's surprising that he doesn't understand this. Possibly he realizes it (now that you're angry) but is trying to downplay the situation, but that is conjecture.

[Veronica73]

Unfortunately, if he can’t see how wrong what he did was….I am afraid you are going to have a lot more problems with him. It’s astounding to me that anyone would think this is an okay thing to do.

[Crazelnut]

So not let him worm his way out of it. What he did was WRONG and a violation of your trust and intimate bond. It doesn't matter that he only showed them. It doesn't matter why he did it. The problem is he showed a photo of your nude body to another man -- and it's one who you have to see again.  He doesn't see anything wrong with it. 

I think you need to drag him to MC so he understands the seriousness of what he's done. If he won't, think really hard about whether you want to stay with a man who does this despicable thing. 

[Stupidkupid]

On 5/6/2021 at 3:39 PM, GGH said:

So my husband thought it would be sexy to reveal to me that he showed his best friend nude photos of me. I immediately became upset(he expected me to be fine with it). I tried explaining to him that it’s a violation of my privacy, the pictures were for his eyes only, that I feel betrayed and that he has broken my trust. That obviously ruined the night for me, but he insisted that he had to explain that it wasn’t a bad thing because he didn’t send them to his friend, He merely showed it to him. He tried to elaborate and defend himself saying that he only did it because he is proud of my body and that he thought I’d be happy that he would want to show me off. He also reassured me that no one would ever believe his friend and that if he ever said anything he’d be in trouble. I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, I was freaking out in my mind so I just told him it was alright but that I ’m just sad and disappointed. He even tried to play it down by telling me how another one of his friends cheats on his wife (I’m assuming to make his slight look less offensive). I don’t know what to do about this. At the end, he said he was actually mad at me because my reaction wasn’t what he wanted and that he doesn’t understand why I don’t trust him. 

But its not *his* body to be proud of. How dare he.

And his turning it around on you and making himself a victim here. No offence, your husband is gross.

[d0nnivain]

Educate yourself  Under the umbrella of "revenge porn" many states have laws against showing nude photos of someone (you) to another (his friend) without your permission.   You need to make your husband understand that what he did is a CRIME in many places.  

State Revenge Porn Laws - FindLaw 

[Tempocontour]

It's one thing if it was a clothed picture, it's something else if it's nudes. He should have asked you 1st. I bet he knew you would say no, that's why he didn't ask. He can make all the excuse he want's but that wasn't right. No more nude pics for him. 

[LuckyM]

I agree that you are justifiably upset and he was wrong but do not take drastic actions. No need to see a lawyer or make a huge deal of this because it is more trouble for your marriage and it might backfire. We're the pics closeup and frontal? Like porno?

My only thought is have your husband deceive the neighbor. Tell the man that it really wasn't you. It was a joke to get his reaction. Say the pic was from the internet or even an old GF. This must be done straight with a laugh. Say my wife is too shy to do pics.   A psychological trick 

[Miss Spider]

Not cool at all 

[emotionallybroken9]

Hey, I’m gonna chime in and say... both of you need to calm down, and realize you’ve now reached a fight that’s serious enough to hurt. I’m not sure if you’ve had fights like this before, but you’ve got one you need to talk about. 
 

His point of view is real TO HIM. Your point of view is real TO YOU. 
 

problem: your spouse did something that genuinely upset you

solution:  What could he do to remedy the situation? Not fix, but just remedy. 
 

This is when you both need to decide: are you willing to work on your differences together and individually so that your marriage can succeed? Or is this the beginning (if it hadn’t started already) of a downward spiral that, yes, may lead to divorce ? 
 

I recommend family counselling. There’re gonna be a loooot of things you’ll both not agree with. Therapy will be there to help you both find a common ground that allows both of you to live in happiness, not resentment. 
 

he doesn’t sound like he gets it, but many men (including me) don’t get things until we reeeeally start introspection. But be prepared, because I’m sure there are things that upset him and he hasn’t brought up as well. 
 

go to therapy together, it’ll really help and avoid future simile situation. 
 

like, he didn’t know it would hurt. Now he does. He should’ve apologized and said he won’t do that anymore. Done. but he didn’t. That’s where the issue is. He wasn’t willing to see that your pain is real. That’s where therapy will help.

if he doesn’t want therapy and continues to say it’s a problem... then it’s time to really think: am I willing to stay married to a man that doesn’t value me equally?

I’m jumping ahead, but let’s focus on one problem at a time