When do you know it's time to go back to dating?

[glows]

50 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes I spoke about that with the last therapist I spoke with a month ago, a therapist I was suppose to schedule a second meeting but didn't yet. She explained to me that the happiness I experienced in that relationship was 50% my input, and 50%  his input. That my ex isn't the only man holding the 50% matching my 50%. 

There were tons of things I loved about him. His personality was positive and upbeat,  always in a good mood, willing to participate to everything, he made everybody feel safe by being there and do what ever it took to fix things. He was smart, well traveled, interesting, he had an opinion on everything. When we were together he lived in the moment and even made a trip at costco feel like a big thrill. He rooted himself deep in my life and my family's life. To me it meant the world. 

It's in the past now. I will meet someone again that will enhance my life, bring in some sunshine, probably in a different way but it will be as fullfilling. 

Gaeta, reading that warmed my heart.

People are afraid to acknowledge the things they care about of people long gone or in the past but you are able to do that and I commend you for that. That you can name those characteristics is a huge step forward, in my mind. Does being able to name these things or list them bring you peace or one step closer to finding a proper, more harmonious or compatible partner? How does it make you feel to think of those elements of the past relationship? How does it clarify what you need in a relationship going forward for the future?

You were able to experience those lovely things and not everyone can say the same. 

I don't know if you are ready to date. Only you can know eventually and there's no harm in taking your time. 

Edited May 6, 2021 by glows

[Interstellar]

When you don’t remember what your ex looks like...haha

Edited May 6, 2021 by Interstellar

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

 being able to name these things or list them bring you peace or one step closer to finding a proper, more harmonious or compatible partner? How does it make you feel to think of those elements of the past relationship? How does it clarify what you need in a relationship going forward for the future?

That relationship was my very first harmonious relationship. In the past after I divorced or seperated I had a long list of *never again I will put up with XYZ*. This time I have a list of *I want to have XYZ again in my next relationship *. 

Before I expected very little from men. 

 

[Gaeta]

To get back my 'mojo' last week I went to a stylist and had a trendy haircut. I had not cut my hair in a  year so it was in the midddle of my back, now it's shoulder lenght with an updated look. I also renewed my wardrobe, and this weekend with my daughters we will take several pictures. I'm not sure I want to go online, but in case I'm inspired I will have several recent pictures at my disposal. I am pretty sure my ex is active on several dating sites. I do not want to see him in my searches. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You know: I think I only know when I get out there and make an effort to date.

Go out on some dates and see how you feel. You'll get an answer to your question. 

[MsJayne]

I think that as long as you perceive your ex as the man of your dreams you can't move forward enough to give someone else a fair go.  In a harsh break up I like to focus on the negative things about the ex, like, in your case he was deceitful and disloyal, so I would focus on those and in doing so you realise that it's not you who's inadequate, it's him.  I once had someone who I thought was Mr Perfect, handsome, erudite, sophisticated, charming, etc, etc, and it took me a few years to stop seeing him as the person he was in front of me, and instead started seeing the unattractive qualities of slyness and cowardice, the person he really was. Love relies heavily on illusion, and I think that's what we find hard to let go, the idea that we'd met the person who was meant for us. Given the brutality of OLD it's not the best place to go if you're still fragile and needing a boost rather than the slaps in the face that OLD so often delivers, even more so when you're at that time of life when you start to feel less attractive, but there'd be no harm in making a profile and at least chatting to people, maybe a couple of meet ups,  just to get yourself a bit warmed up for when your mojo does return. 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Interstellar said:

When you don’t remember what your ex looks like...haha

If I forget how two of my three Exes were I would be in danger of getting some of the same in the next Ex.........

Edited May 7, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Dis]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

That relationship was my very first harmonious relationship. In the past after I divorced or seperated I had a long list of *never again I will put up with XYZ*. This time I have a list of *I want to have XYZ again in my next relationship *. 

Before I expected very little from men. 

 

Right with you there

 

My ex is the first man I ever dated who was good to me. Seems kind of sad to say that but he was the first man who truly supported me, made me laugh all the time and truly cared about me. It's hard to let that go but I'm happy I got to experience it because now I feel like my taste in men changed for the better. Now I only find men who are kind and husband material attractive and will only date those kinds of men in the future. 

[lana-banana]

15 months is way too long. Would you be devastated if your ex found true love tomorrow? Are you still waking up thinking about how your ex feels for you? If not, you can give dating a try. It's OK to not be completely sure. You can go on a date and realize you really don't feel it yet. As long as you aren't leading someone on for weeks and weeks it's fine to test the waters and see where your heart takes you. I always found that dating just a little bit before I felt ready was the way to go. I would go on a date thinking "oh no, it's just a bit too soon" but by the end of the evening I always felt better, even if I wasn't fully sold on the guy. I think if you wait until you feel wholly ready you'll never get there; part of it is allowing yourself to be vulnerable again.

 

[Soak]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

• Am I over him? No
• Have I accepted it's over? Yes
• Do I beleive I can fall in love again with someone else? Yes
• Could I date someone without comparing him to my ex? Yes

Apart from the first point, it's all good news. You haven't shut your heart down, which is the best thing you can do, and you have accepted it's over (which can take time for some people).

 

Have you thought about joining some groups? That might get your mojo back.. Hiking? 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Soak said:

Have you thought about joining some groups? That might get your mojo back.. Hiking? 

Actually yes, maybe one of you would remember, there used to be a site to find people to practice common sports and activities, ring a bell anyone?

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

MeetUp is the app I have used. I assume they are in Canada but don’t know for sure.

[Gaeta]

Yes we have meet ups, but there was another one for singles and it was to find someone to go skate with, swim, bike, play tennis etc.

It will get back to me when l stop thinking about it.

[prince0fgame]

In my opinion, you shouldn't try to "date". It's too contrived. Anything that is contrived has a low success rate. You should just go out there and find some hobbies like yoga or something. Something that you enjoy doing that also have men in it. And let the natural connections happen on their own. That's a better energy to vibrate to.

You can never go wrong with hobbies that are based on goodness like physical fitness, volunteer work, the arts, etc. You are bound to meet men that you will admire in some ways in those places. Going to a bar and trying to find admiration is pretty slim. 

The reason why I bring up admiration is because it is the bedspring to love. Without admiration there can be no love. 

So what places are likely to have men with admirable qualities? 

Tinder? The neighborhood bar? Or a volunteer activity?

And you don't have to get over your ex. But I doubt your ex is the only one who has qualities that you truly admire. There are probably tons of guys out there just like him. 

Edited May 7, 2021 by prince0fgame

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, prince0fgame said:

You can never go wrong with hobbies that are based on goodness like physical fitness, volunteer work, the arts, etc. You are bound to meet men that you will admire in some ways in those places. Going to a bar and trying to find admiration is pretty slim. 

The reason why I bring up admiration is because it is the bedspring to love. Without admiration there can be no love. 

So what places are likely to have men with admirable qualities? 

Tinder? The neighborhood bar? Or a volunteer activity?

And you don't have to get over your ex. But I doubt your ex is the only one who has qualities that you truly admire. There are probably tons of guys out there just like him. 

I tried the 'hobbies' in the past and I always ended up with a  bunch of women or couples. The places where men have approached me in the past were parks, coffee shops and metro station. Yes I agree 100% that a woman's love is generated by admiration for her man. I have a soft spot for a handymen so that's why I've been joking about prowling the Home Depots of my area. 

No risk of me going in a club or bar. Last time I went in a club I was 19 yo, I am now 55. Not my thing.

Thanks for your input, I also don't think I need to 'get over him'. I think the important part is to accept it's over and love can be found with someone else. 

[d0nnivain]

Ok, the bar scene is not your thing.  I'm not sure how you go about looking glamourous & feeling pretty in a home improvement store.  I agree the store is probably a better place to find a solid guy then some other options but I would really like you to find a reason to get all dolled up with your fabulous new hairstyle & new outfit just to strut your stuff.   Mojo 1st then new man.   Your ego took a hit when your EX cheated; anyone's would but how do we get you back to feeling sexy?  

Sometimes when I need a mental boost, I trot out the sexy underwear.  Even when I had something serious & proper to do for work, knowing I was wearing a killer bra & panty set gave me that little extra boost of self confidence that I needed when I was feeling personally shaky & scared.  Maybe invest in some new secrets & wear them for your own amusement as you head back into the re-opening world.  I'd scope my surroundings for a hot guy & wonder what would he think if he knew what I was wearing underneath this buttoned up suit.  Give something like that a shot.  Plus you will then already have cute things when you do find the right new guy.  

[Gaeta]

Oh I made my LaSanza order already 🙂

I have just spent 6 months working from home in my oversized pyjama pants and a big wool sweater going down above the knees. Talk about sexy eh! Then 3 times a week I get documents delivered to my place for work. I see them all UPS, Fedex and DHL. The UPS guy is particularly good lookin and he likes to chat. I need to get out of that rut and start fixing myself up in the morning. You're right even when I'm by myself I have to make an effort. 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yes I agree 100% that a woman's love is generated by admiration for her man

For what I know (and within the limits of my experience), this is true.

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

No risk of me going in a club or bar. Last time I went in a club I was 19 yo, I am now 55. Not my thing.

Same here

[d0nnivain]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Oh I made my LaSanza order already 🙂

* * * . I see them all UPS, Fedex and DHL. The UPS guy is particularly good lookin and he likes to chat. I need to get out of that rut and start fixing myself up in the morning. You're right even when I'm by myself I have to make an effort. 

Good for you!  What happens when the delivery guys bring you that package? 

Do you know if the UPS guy is single?  Some of them are pretty hot.  They are all flirty in my experience.  Flirting with them may be good practice / get you out of your rut. 

[d0nnivain]

Ooooh  Ohhhh I got it.  Unless it would make you too sad, it's time for you to volunteer at an animal shelter or at least start looking for a new pup.  I know you lost your fur baby a while back.  If you volunteer to walk shelter dogs, especially the ones with the little adopt me vests, it will force you to put on a cute outfit, get out of the house, get a bit dolled up because you will be a brand ambassador of sorts, & get out into the world where you have to socialize with others.  You can be flirty with no expectations by the potential adoptor & viola a return of the mojo!

[Gaeta]

 A while ago I opened the door and said: Please tell me I'm not the only one opening the door looking like this?? He laughed and said  no most people work in their pj's. He asked what I do for work, he sees my package comes from the US he's curious about that. He always says see you next week. He checked me out a couple of times. He's younger, it's just for fun. When my teen sees the ups truck she says the sexy guy is here  lol. 

[SumGuy]

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

...I think the 'in love' feeling would dissipate faster if I casually dated. 

Don't know if it need to be casual, but that is my expereince...getting back on the horse is a very fast way to stop ruminating about the ex.  If nothing else you are looking forward, and your energy is directed the the future, finding that one.   

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Ooooh  Ohhhh I got it.  Unless it would make you too sad, it's time for you to volunteer at an animal shelter or at least start looking for a new pup. 

I will never get another dog. It's been 4 months since he passed and I cannot think or talk about him without crying. I miss him so much and I will not put myself through losing another animal. I took a walk the other evening and came across a couple walking their elderly dog. The dog came right to me with extreme kindness in his face and I started crying. I said to the owners your dog felt my sorrow. 

Now I have to wipe my tears, ups guy will be here by noon 🙂

 

[d0nnivain]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Now I have to wipe my tears, ups guy will be here by noon 🙂

I didn't mean to make you cry with my suggestion but I am excited for your upcoming flirtation   Enjoy!