When do you know it's time to go back to dating?

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

it doesn’t make sense to me that it doesn’t make sense to you and you’re unrelenting in just letting it be the way it is. 

So I’ve used quotes from Gaeta’s posts only to explain why I think she might not be ready yet to date. In my opinion if you’re using dating for any purpose other than whatever your ultimate goal is (as Gaeta said for her it’s to find someone to settle down with) then you’re not ready to date.

It’s like anything else - if your actions (dating) don’t align with your values / goals (finding someone to settle down with) it’s not going to “work” and could in fact cause a lot of damage. As we know dating can be tough even when people are in a good state. Gaeta admits she’s lost her mojo. Using dating to get it back could work if everything goes right, but there’s a lot of risk too. What if none of the guys Gaeta’s interested in dating are interested in her? What will that do to her mojo? Or what if during her quest to get her mojo she actually falls for a guy, but he’s only interested in keeping it casual? Or ghosts her? Has she built up enough resilience since the breakup to handle those setbacks? 
 

In my opinion it would be a better option for Gaeta to wait until she has her mojo back before dating. That way a setback won’t knock her down. She’ll still feel attractive and like the “whole package” because her mojo came from within and nothing that happens during the dating process can change that.

[chillii]

8 hours ago, jspice said:

These two posters apparently  have never had their hearts broken or experienced relationship turmoil because I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have even a little self-doubt in your situation.
 

Men can have a new woman in their beds in under 24 hours and want everyone to believe they’re just fine. Meanwhile they’re falling apart and then come here to bash all the “evil” women who dare to exist 🙄

Dunno how you could possibly have interpreted anything l tried to say into that , it's beyond me. But alas , unfortunately l have been there to the extreme divorcing. l took 4yrs to myself , of course l had self doubt wth , that's why l too 4yrs , to get to know myself again after 20yrs of marriage ,find myself again. But l don't know what other men do l didn't date men when l was looking again. Heard plenty of stories though from women , but l did see plenty of women doing the same. Just in friends and guys l've known though quite a few too actually , talking 50s , nah , none of them had any interest whatsoever in jumping back into bed with more women. Most prefer singleness , just have a bit of fun now and then.

Although l do know one , my brother , but he is a bit different bc although he's 50s , he's never really had a long term relationship or been married. So if he breaks up with someone it's usually only been some yr or two thing . l always tell him to just stop , take time , figure himself out and start being selective but he doesn't listen and so around and round he goes.

 

 

 

 

Edited May 9, 2021 by chillii

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

What if none of the guys Gaeta’s interested in dating are interested in her? What will that do to her mojo? Or what if during her quest to get her mojo she actually falls for a guy, but he’s only interested in keeping it casual? Or ghosts her? Has she built up enough resilience since the breakup to handle those setbacks? 

I see your doubts come from a place of concern. 

Before I met my ex I was online for 3,5 years. I was mislead, lied to, played, rejected, ghosted, and it did not leave a scratch on me. To get hurt I need to invest my heart and I am very slow to build feelings and trust someone. You will definitely not see me on here cry because I went on a date and the guy ghosted me. A man I loved for 5 years can hurt me yes, not a stranger I'd go on a few dates with. That's the beauty of not 'needing' someone, you don't get attached fast. 

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

l always tell him to just stop , take time , figure himself out and start being selective but he doesn't listen and so around and round he goes.

It was never my pattern. There were always years between my relationships. 

Yes it's important to figure yourself out when you come out of a difficult relationship. It's not my case. I was happy, my relationship was not abusive, manipulative, or dysfunctional in any way. I don't need fixing and I have nothing to figure out. 

You have to keep in  mind, the type of dating I'm suggesting on here has nothing to do with being in a relationship, bf/gf, or anything steady. 

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I see your doubts come from a place of concern. 

Yes, of course. I wouldn’t post in your thread if I didn’t care. 

 

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

.A man I loved for 5 years can hurt me yes, not a stranger I'd go on a few dates with. That's the beauty of not 'needing' someone, you don't get attached fast. 

Yup, if you’re confident you’ll be fine no matter what happens then that’s that. And if something happens and you need to cry on here, I’ll be supportive and won’t say I told you so. 

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

spoke to believing she was the “whole package for a man”, and to me that’s a somewhat unhealthy way of thinking. That someone as a person defines themself by being “a whole package” to a man (or woman). Nobody is designed for anyone else. Some people are more compatible than others and people can change over time. It’s not personal. 

I think you're pushing a bit on this one. By the 'whole' package' I meant I have a good resume. I am not every man's cup of tea of course not ! but I am a grounded woman, stable emotionally, stable financially, active, don't smoke, don't drink, never did drugs, confident, trustworthy, strong,  I am a woman that is 100% drama free. I have something of substance to offer. I am proud of the woman I am and what I have to offer. That's what I meant. 

[chillii]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It was never my pattern. There were always years between my relationships. 

Yes it's important to figure yourself out when you come out of a difficult relationship. It's not my case. I was happy, my relationship was not abusive, manipulative, or dysfunctional in any way. I don't need fixing and I have nothing to figure out. 

You have to keep in  mind, the type of dating I'm suggesting on here has nothing to do with being in a relationship, bf/gf, or anything steady. 

 

Yeah , get that.

Anyway good luck with everything and it's nice to know your feeling better.

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think you're pushing a bit on this one.

How so? This is what you said:

”I've lost a lot of feathers in this breakup. I used to view myself as the whole package for a man. I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man.   Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back?”

And I read that and thought there’s a lot of reliance on what men think of her here. I used to view myself as the whole package for a man....now I feel I don’t have what it takes to keep a man...maybe a bit of attention from men will help me...

 

Now it seems like in the course of this thread you no longer feel that way as the quote above is a far cry from this:

 

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am not every man's cup of tea of course not ! but I am a grounded woman, stable emotionally, stable financially, active, don't smoke, don't drink, never did drugs, confident, trustworthy, strong,  I am a woman that is 100% drama free. I have something of substance to offer. I am proud of the woman I am and what I have to offer.

If you had said that in your first post, I would have thought yup you’re definitely ready to start dating again right away, but seems you’ve gotten there anyways.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And I read that and thought there’s a lot of reliance on what men think of her here. I used to view myself as the whole package for a man....now I feel I don’t have what it takes to keep a man...maybe a bit of attention from men will help me...

It's all part of the process. You feel on top of your game, and some days you ask yourself if maybe you're not all that and you hurry to chase those thoughts away. For a moment I'm thinking maybe men don't care of all what I have listed. Maybe they really do like unstable crazies. 

Weezy1973: Just be kind to me. I lost the man I loved, my 14 yo dog died in my arms a month after, I just finished menopause I am mourning my youth being gone, I've been in full confinement for a  year. Every facet of my life is mourning somehting. I just want to feel alive again. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Weezy1973: Just be kind to me. I lost the man I loved, my 14 yo dog died in my arms a month after, I just finished menopause I am mourning my youth being gone, I've been in full confinement for a  year. Every facet of my life is mourning somehting. I just want to feel alive again. 

I know Gaeta, and all I’m wondering is given all that, are you ready to date and deal with those ups and downs? Or are you still too fragile as the quote above might suggest. Dating might be a great distraction but it also might be a setback to the healing process. 

[FMW]

Only one way to find out.

[Gaeta]

Ok, so I jumped into it and made a profile. 

I put myself in the friendship, looking for a friend to go on outings with. 

I am shocked at the number of  men that were there 7 years ago and they have the same profile, same pictures 🙄

[FMW]

Good luck!  Just take it slow and look at it as something fun to do while you're getting on with your life.  

[Negotaurus]

18 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's all part of the process. You feel on top of your game, and some days you ask yourself if maybe you're not all that and you hurry to chase those thoughts away. For a moment I'm thinking maybe men don't care of all what I have listed. Maybe they really do like unstable crazies. 

Weezy1973: Just be kind to me. I lost the man I loved, my 14 yo dog died in my arms a month after, I just finished menopause I am mourning my youth being gone, I've been in full confinement for a  year. Every facet of my life is mourning somehting. I just want to feel alive again. 

Hi Gaeta, I know this is very much off-topic but I really wanted to tell you how much your posts on this forum have inspired me. I am quite young and don't know much about dating or boundaries, but the way you present yourself on this forum and the advice you give has helped me understand what self-respect and confidence really is. 

I know you're in a bit of a rut still, I hope what I said will make you feel at least a little better. Wishing you the very best.

[ZA Dater]

On 5/6/2021 at 8:15 PM, Gaeta said:

I've been thinking about it lately.

I was reading that on average we should calculate 2-3 months for each year of the relationship. In my case it means I should go back to dating at 15 months post-breakup. I find that enormous, considering I'm 55 and not new to important breakups.

• Am I over him? No
• Have I accepted it's over? Yes
• Do I beleive I can fall in love again with someone else? Yes
• Could I date someone without comparing him to my ex? Yes

My daughter has been wanting to introduce me to someone and I said no, now reconsidering, one of my brothers keeps telling me to not wallow anymore  it's been long enough (5.5 months). They want to see me happy again I get that. 

I've lost a lot of feathers in this breakup. I used to view myself as the whole package for a man. I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man 😞  Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back? 

 I think you must value yourself internally, i.e. not assign yourself a value based on interactions with others. One break up does not change the good things about you as a person, you are still that person and I think you need to try banish that self doubt, for no other reason than you will feel better about being you. 

My advice is maybe meet this guy, go there with an open mind, chances are with a set up like this you wont be disappointed totally.

Remember, you choose how you see yourself and the views of other really do not matter.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Hi Gaeta, I know this is very much off-topic but I really wanted to tell you how much your posts on this forum have inspired me. I am quite young and don't know much about dating or boundaries, but the way you present yourself on this forum and the advice you give has helped me understand what self-respect and confidence really is. 

I know you're in a bit of a rut still, I hope what I said will make you feel at least a little better. Wishing you the very best.

Awwww thank you 💜

[Gaeta]

OUF! It's a bit overwhelming but I beleive it needs to be done. 

For 5 years I was blind to other men look on me. Now getting that type of attention from men other than my ex feels unusual. I did not expect that.  I feel naked. I'm sure if I had waited 1-2 years I would still feel the same. Hiding myself in my home isn't going to heal anything. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

OUF! It's a bit overwhelming but I beleive it needs to be done. 

For 5 years I was blind to other men look on me. Now getting that type of attention from men other than my ex feels unusual. I did not expect that.  I feel naked. I'm sure if I had waited 1-2 years I would still feel the same. Hiding myself in my home isn't going to heal anything. 

I don't think anyone was suggesting you hide in your home Gaeta. 😄

But anyway, I think it's great you created a profile and putting yourself out there again!  After my break up in late 2015, I didn't on line date, but I did get out, met men and dated.  I even had a couple of short term relationships.

For me, it didn't help, it was a band aid.  And not connecting with men the way I wanted and needed to connect made me feel worse, I was never a casual multi-dater so it brought me down.

BUT we all have our own ways of coping.   Our own styles.  And I think this may actually be good for YOU!  

I am excited for you and looking forward to hearing about all your experiences!  

Good luck!  😂

[Pumpernickel]

 

 

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Ok, so I jumped into it and made a profile. 

Yes!!! Good for you to get some well-deserved distraction. 👍👍

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am shocked at the number of  men that were there 7 years ago and they have the same profile, same pictures 🙄

Oh no, that's awful. I haven't online-dated much, but whenever I did, I noticed the same thing. Frustrating.  

[Gaeta]

@poppyfields: I was thinking about you this morning. You know how you and I are always hitting heads about putting ourselves in a *relationship* category and only speaking to people in same category! Well, I am experiencing a very interesting phenomenon. I have put myself in *looking for frienship*  for *outings*. I have had several messages and so far only from men looking for a relationship. I was afraid I'd get messages from men looking for *fun friend* but nope! Actually I'd say, overall, I am getting messages from better quality men. 

I am horrified that you were right hihihi! 😉

My interpretation is : me being in the friendship category is less threatening to men, maybe less pressure on them somehow. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields: I was thinking about you this morning. You know how you and I are always hitting heads about putting ourselves in a *relationship* category and only speaking to people in same category! Well, I am experiencing a very interesting phenomenon. I have put myself in *looking for frienship*  for *outings*. I have had several messages and so far only from men looking for a relationship. I was afraid I'd get messages from men looking for *fun friend* but nope! Actually I'd say, overall, I am getting messages from better quality men. 

I am horrified that you were right hihihi! 😉

My interpretation is : me being in the friendship category is less threatening to men, maybe less pressure on them somehow. 

Well first off, thanks!  😂

Second, I do think many men feel pressured in today's dating environment, so a woman having a more laid back and carefree attitude, and remaining outcome independent allows a man to relax and move closer to her at his own pace (Esther Perel 😅).

For me, it is my nature to take it "one day at a time," and remain detached from the outcome, and men can sense this and it draws them to me.

So I have to ask you, are you genuinely only wanting a friendship right now, or do you deep down want a long term relationship?

I only ask because for me, if I were on line dating and placed myself in the "friendship" category, and a man messaged me and told me he was seeking a "relationship," I would most likely not want to date him because it's not what I am seeking right now.

That could always change once I met him and began dating but initially, it's not my goal.  

A connection, yes.  A relationship, no.  Not right now.  

Re men who seek relationships being better quality.  I think a man can be high quality but NOT seeking a committed relationship, just like I consider myself high quality and currently not seeking a relationship. 

High quality people and not seeking a committed relationship can co-exist together.

Anyway, I am super happy for you, and again I wish you the best of luck! 

One is never too old to change up their style and try something new on!  

Keep us posted!

 

 

 

 

Edited May 12, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So I have to ask you, are you genuinely only wanting a friendship right now, or do you deep down want a long term relationship?

I had to think about that before replying.

I'm hoping to meet someone with whom I can have a healthy connection, share common interests, have mutual respect, someone easy going that likes to laugh and enjoy the simple things. I guess that's a relationship in disguise right? I don't want to meet a different man each Saturday. 

I have 2 meetings scheduled for this weekend. I am 100% honest when asked how long I've been single and what I am looking for. No one had a hickup so far when I say I'm single since November 2020.I think men overlook that much more than women do. I think they analyze less and trust more their gut feeling. 

[d0nnivain]

OOhhhh I'm excited for you. 2 dates! 

How's your mojo?  Hopefully at least flirting with these 2 will help you remember that you are a sexy vibrant woman with a lot to offer. 

[Gaeta]

The mojo is shy still lol

They are 2 very different men but both have qualities I value. 

First man (55) is a gentleman wall to wall, very reserved (Asian), we have a lot in common life style wise. In our interractions he's the one enjoying my sense of humour.

Second man (51) hilarious, hypnotic smile (Latin), I have no clue if we have anything in common too busy laughing.

[SumGuy]

42 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm hoping to meet someone with whom I can have a healthy connection, share common interests, have mutual respect, someone easy going that likes to laugh and enjoy the simple things. I guess that's a relationship in disguise right? I don't want to meet a different man each Saturday. 

That sounds like a relationship to me    going to work fine with anyone who is reasonable and not trying to overanalyze things.  All that may need to be brought up is how you view exclusivity, i.e. if we sleep together we sleep with no one else.

Quote

I have 2 meetings scheduled for this weekend. I am 100% honest when asked how long I've been single and what I am looking for. No one had a hickup so far when I say I'm single since November 2020.I think men overlook that much more than women do. I think they analyze less and trust more their gut feeling. 

Also as one gets older begin to realize that taking a few months to a few years to get back to dating bears no relation to how ready or messed-up a person may be.  People can wait years and still be messed-up perhaps just a different set of reasons than people who wait a much shorter time.   It is so context and reason dependent, the truth of which you wont really know until you get to know a person over some time.