When do you know it's time to go back to dating?

[Gaeta]

@SumGuy Very wise words, thank you.

Your post reminded me of some family members who've been divorced for over 25 years and still live in hate and bitterness toward their ex/divorce.

I also saw my ex's dating profile popping on my screen. I was fearing that moment but it did not crush me like I expected. I just thought ' there he is cheating on someon else '. 

[introverted1]

On 5/11/2021 at 7:33 PM, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields: I was thinking about you this morning. You know how you and I are always hitting heads about putting ourselves in a *relationship* category and only speaking to people in same category! Well, I am experiencing a very interesting phenomenon. I have put myself in *looking for frienship*  for *outings*. I have had several messages and so far only from men looking for a relationship. I was afraid I'd get messages from men looking for *fun friend* but nope! Actually I'd say, overall, I am getting messages from better quality men.

Glad to see you are out there again, Gaeta.

WRT the above, and not to be a downer, but consider also that men are conditioned to say they want a relationship since that's what most women want. Men have learned to say that's what they are looking for because it (typically) nets them the most responses. 

I hope your dates are fun!  ❤️

[Cookiesandough]

I’m against the idea you have to be completely over someone to start dating again. Sure, you may date and a lot of will go nowhere, but sometimes its those experiences that help put enough space between you and the old ones. 
 

I just would be wary about going too long without dating and focusing on yourself. It gets very comfortable and far too easy to stay that way 

Edited May 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[mark clemson]

On 5/9/2021 at 9:44 AM, Weezy1973 said:

I realize now, after many of these experiences, that nothing someone else does is about me. If a woman isn’t attracted to me, it has nothing to do with me. It’s about her and what she happens to be attracted to.

This is JMO, but I could hardly think of a more false view of reality and how people operate.

Try applying for a job you're qualified for (in person) dressed in sweatpants with shaggy hair and hand them a resume done in Comic Sans. Spoiler alert: you won't get the job. You think that has nothing to do with you? You didn't make the effort, you did the wrong things, behaved inappropriately, decided to apply then you wasted their time, etc, etc.

I don't mean to turn this into a T/J, but I'm unsure how anyone could ever reach such a conclusion, particularly at 50. It's always partly about you and partly about them. To me this sort of view seems like a roundabout way to attempt to dodge responsibility for one's role in the state of one's life, by convincing yourself of something that simply isn't true.

Edited May 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I don't mean to turn this into a T/J, but I'm unsure how anyone could ever reach such a conclusion, particularly at 50.

Happily married by being myself. Miserable, dysfunctional relationships by trying to be something I’m not. It’s not rocket science. 
 

And seriously trying to compare human connection to a job interview? If you can’t see the massive difference, you’re not clued in.

[FMW]

@Weezy1973 if you never take things personally or had a blow to your confidence by being dumped or cheated on, that's really great for you.  I get, in general, what you are saying.  But in my experience, the reality for most people, men and women, is that their confidence does get knocked in those situations.  I don't think that means there is anything lacking in those that have that response, and I certainly don't think @Gaeta is feeling anything out of the ordinary or that she will have problems bouncing back.  

As has been noted, part of the issue is transitioning from being a girlfriend and in a committed relationship, to be being single and open to attention from new people.  I think it's very normal that adjusting and feeling confident in the new circumstance can take a little while. 

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Happily married by being myself. Miserable, dysfunctional relationships by trying to be something I’m not. It’s not rocket science. 
And seriously trying to compare human connection to a job interview? If you can’t see the massive difference, you’re not clued in.

Well, THAT I can totally get behind.

You seemed to be making a much broader point earlier in this thread, which is why I brought up the job interview as an example. Of course I see the difference.

Even your much less controversial way of putting it here is, I think, subject to discussion. (You really make ZERO compromises of ANY kind at all ever?) However, I don't want to create a T/J, am happy for you in your situation, and certainly agree that compatibility is very important in LTRs. So, fair enough.

Edited May 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

@Weezy1973 if you never take things personally or had a blow to your confidence by being dumped or cheated on, that's really great for you. 

I definitely used to. But with experience, I learned those lessons. It’s not about me. And that’s one of the lessons that got me to a place of being able to have a healthy relationship. Before, when I took things personally and my confidence depended upon people liking me, I would seek relationships to feel better about myself. Subconsciously at the time of course, but looking back now it’s pretty obvious. Once my self worth was no longer dependent upon approval from others I’d say my life really began to flourish in many ways. Moved into a career I love, and married a woman I love, and we’ve had one kid and hoping for more. 
 

But to be clear, it didn’t happen overnight. And therapy definitely helped!

[Cookiesandough]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I definitely used to. But with experience, I learned those lessons. It’s not about me. And that’s one of the lessons that got me to a place of being able to have a healthy relationship. Before, when I took things personally and my confidence depended upon people liking me, I would seek relationships to feel better about myself. Subconsciously at the time of course, but looking back now it’s pretty obvious. Once my self worth was no longer dependent upon approval from others I’d say my life really began to flourish in many ways. Moved into a career I love, and married a woman I love, and we’ve had one kid and hoping for more. 
 

But to be clear, it didn’t happen overnight. And therapy definitely helped!

So you seemed to have found the analogy with the job search absurd, jw if you’ve ever gone into a job interview and not been hired and do you say the same thing? Or is it about you a little there? Because I’ve noticed with people, when they’ve made marketed improvements to themselves that I can apparently see, their dating success improves and they get more options, sometimes going on to fall in love / start of family with those options, so things they did had a direct influence on how others perceived them/who became attracted to them. If they just said “it’s not about me” I doubt they would have made any progress in themselves because they would have felt good right where they were. But ya

Edited May 14, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I definitely used to. But with experience, I learned those lessons. It’s not about me. And that’s one of the lessons that got me to a place of being able to have a healthy relationship. Before, when I took things personally and my confidence depended upon people liking me, I would seek relationships to feel better about myself. Subconsciously at the time of course, but looking back now it’s pretty obvious. Once my self worth was no longer dependent upon approval from others I’d say my life really began to flourish in many ways. Moved into a career I love, and married a woman I love, and we’ve had one kid and hoping for more. 

But to be clear, it didn’t happen overnight. And therapy definitely helped!

Weezy correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like what you are referring to is your overall energy/vibe. 

And when you began NOT taking rejection personally or seeking approval, and came to the point wherein you essentially didn't give a rat's rear end what others thought, and lived life for yourself, learned self-love and that the most important thing is being true to yourself and living your life according to your own own rules and own plan, you began generating positive energy from within and in turn it was that confidence and positive energy that drew women (people) to you and made you more attractive.

Not your clothes, or your haircut, or your job, or your even what words you spoke, but your energy/vibe which again came from not taking rejection personally or seeking approval from others.

If that's what you meant, I agree.  A man (a person's) energy/vibe trumps everything else imo and it's internal, not external.

 

 

'

Edited May 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Woggle]

I can confirm what Weezy is saying. When I felt I had nothing to lose and I stopped caring about trying to impress people that is when everything fell into place. I think it is because that was the time when all the BS and phoniness was stripped away and my attitude was I am who I am and they can take it or leave it. People react to pure authenticity.

[Gaeta]

Then l'm in a right place to start dating again because l have no expectations and don't care of the outcome. 

I have 2 meetings today and l view this as a reason to dress cute, put my lipstick on, and enjoy the sun. My brain refuses to think further than that.

 

[Weezy1973]

19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Not your clothes, or your haircut, or your job, or your even what words you spoke, but your energy/vibe which again came from not taking rejection personally or seeking approval from others.

If that's what you meant, I agree. 

No, not really what I meant. It’s not like I started attracting more women or anything. I was fairly successful dating even when I was seeking approval / letting my self worth he dependent on others. By successful I mean I could get dates and enter relationships fairly easily considering I’m a very average guy overall.

It’s just those relationships didn’t end well. They were full of dysfunction, which one would expect given where my drive was coming from. I’ll give an example.

When I was seeking approval, if I met a woman I was really attracted to, I would try to figure out how I could make her attracted to me, often acting like someone I’m not in the process.
 

After my mindset changed, I remember distinctly having a Tinder date and when she walked into the pub she looked better than her pics and was pretty much exactly my type. But within 5 minutes of conversation I knew we weren’t a match and I just said “clearly this isn’t going to work.”  She laughed and said “I’m so glad you said something.” We both had a drink and an appy and when we were done she invited me to a party she was going to. Which I of course declined because as an introvert, going to a random party of strangers is pretty much the last thing I’d ever want to do. Again, we weren’t a match. And so didn’t lament the “what if’s” that so many get caught up in. Just continued dating away and about a month later met my now wife. 

[Cookiesandough]

That’s cool you were able to see you weren’t a match in personality and end it... not a lot of people would be lol 

[Cookiesandough]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Then l'm in a right place to start dating again because l have no expectations and don't care of the outcome. 

I have 2 meetings today and l view this as a reason to dress cute, put my lipstick on, and enjoy the sun. My brain refuses to think further than that.

 

That’s awesome, Gaeta.  You are bossing up. I’m glad you’re considering meeting someone knew. From what I know about you from your posts, you seem like the a great woman and that would make a great partner. Like you’re perfect for it. So it’s a shame what  that *****canoe ex of yours did. I never liked him tbh. Sorry he temporarily stole your joy, but not for long. So many men out there. Have fun  😌

Edited May 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

When do you know it's time to go back to dating?

Short answer: When your phone goes off and you want to talk to that person.

[Cookiesandough]

It’s interesting

16 hours ago, Woggle said:

I can confirm what Weezy is saying. When I felt I had nothing to lose and I stopped caring about trying to impress people that is when everything fell into place. I think it is because that was the time when all the BS and phoniness was stripped away and my attitude was I am who I am and they can take it or leave it. People react to pure authenticity.

Yea ,I have been both places... not even necessarily in a dating context here either. Even with friendly relationships. I go through period where I dgaf. But to be honest, I like MYSELF better when I do. I like myself more when I care what others think. I become a somewhat better person. IMO 

[Woggle]

I can count on my fingers the people who's opinion I care about and they earned that status through years of showing how much they are worth it.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I like myself more when I care what others think. I become a somewhat better person. IMO 

There’s a big difference between caring about others, and caring what other people think of you. Caring about others does make us all better people. Wanting others to be happy is the definition of love in some circles. Caring what other people think of us tends to lead to bad outcomes. 

[Gaeta]

Update: 

Man No. 1: Impressive career, worked all over the world, excellent conversationalist, talking to him about politics, history, current affairs was like finding my match! He gave me a couple of compliments and asked if I'd like to meet again. I said yes. I did not feel a physical attraction. I would not have been able to kiss him. Doesn't mean it can't grow over 1-2 dates.

Man No.2: Awwww the charm of Latino men, sigh! He was perfect. He asked to kiss me at the end of our date. He called me 5 mins after we left to make sure I had found my way back on the bridge. I found him very attractive, kissing was nice, but no heart rushing or anything like that, which is good. 

[Alpacalia]

53 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Update: 

Man No. 1: Impressive career, worked all over the world, excellent conversationalist, talking to him about politics, history, current affairs was like finding my match! He gave me a couple of compliments and asked if I'd like to meet again. I said yes. I did not feel a physical attraction. I would not have been able to kiss him. Doesn't mean it can't grow over 1-2 dates.

Man No.2: Awwww the charm of Latino men, sigh! He was perfect. He asked to kiss me at the end of our date. He called me 5 mins after we left to make sure I had found my way back on the bridge. I found him very attractive, kissing was nice, but no heart rushing or anything like that, which is good. 

They both sound like gentleman.

So far so good!

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

There’s a big difference between caring about others, and caring what other people think of you. Caring about others does make us all better people. Wanting others to be happy is the definition of love in some circles. Caring what other people think of us tends to lead to bad outcomes. 

I get that distinction, but I distinctively mean that I like who I am/ think I’m a better person when I care what others think of me...i have endless examples,  but just a couple would when I don’t really feel like talking, but I force myself to anyway because I don’t want to seem weird/withdrawn to others. (Most of the time)  by the end, I do have a good time and I provide entertainment for them and vice versa. It makes me feel better. Another would be just doing my hair and putting on nice clothes. There are times where I just felt like skipping the make up rolling out of bed with my hair and brushed and sweat pants and showing up to some thing but I care what people think of me. I think “taking care of myself” and my appearance around people boosts my self confidence and makes me feel good, my representation of myself relative to the world 

Edited May 16, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

Also I thought of something else bc I’m currently taking a test. I perform better at tasks when I care what others think/there pressure to perform not only for myself but others.., I think there are studies that show that a little bit of pressure to perform is actually a good thing and people perform the task better when there’s just enough. Right now, no one is going to see this/grade it so I’m being half **ed lol 

[poppyfields]

There's a difference between wanting to present well (nice hair, makeup, clothes) because you seek approval from others and need that validation...

and wanting to present well, because you take pride in your appearance, boosts your confidence and it makes you feel good.  For yourself. 

Just my $.02 about it. 

Edit:  Re work and school, I perform better under pressure also so agree with you about that cookies.  

 

Edited May 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Update: 

Man No. 1: Impressive career, worked all over the world, excellent conversationalist, talking to him about politics, history, current affairs was like finding my match! He gave me a couple of compliments and asked if I'd like to meet again. I said yes. I did not feel a physical attraction. I would not have been able to kiss him. Doesn't mean it can't grow over 1-2 dates.

Man No.2: Awwww the charm of Latino men, sigh! He was perfect. He asked to kiss me at the end of our date. He called me 5 mins after we left to make sure I had found my way back on the bridge. I found him very attractive, kissing was nice, but no heart rushing or anything like that, which is good. 

She's back! 😂

This was great news Gaeta! 

Really made my day.  Thanks for sharing.  

Edited May 16, 2021 by poppyfields