When do you know it's time to go back to dating?

[FMW]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Like what does any interaction with a man have to do with “mojo”?

Ok, I see what you're saying.  But Don't you feel a little sexier if you have some innocent but flirty interaction with women?  

[Weezy1973]

7 minutes ago, FMW said:

Ok, I see what you're saying.  But Don't you feel a little sexier if you have some innocent but flirty interaction with women?  

Not really. I’ve always been about compatibility so random women never impacted me. I didn’t need that type of validation. Fully admitting I might be the oddball here. Was just surprised at the consensus from many of the women on this thread. 
 

In my mind I was thinking if you’re looking at dating to feel better about yourself, it’s a sign you shouldn’t be dating yet. But what do I know.

[elaine567]

I think the feeling better about oneself here is more about dating and attracting a man as opposed to in general.
A break up can knock confidence in how she appears to men. How sexy she is, how attractive.
Can she maintain his interest? Can she keep him? Will she even find an suitable man?...
When all is going well then these things are no problem, but after a break up, the doubts tend to sneak in...
I don't think Gaeta is having a crisis in confidence in general.

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 If you’re confident and have self worth, none of that will matter. 

Even the most confident and secure woman will be shaken in her feminine identity after being cheated on then abandonned.

My confidence and self worth is still in me. It's been slapped and now it's working it's way up again as we speak by talking it out, talking about feeling attractive, about flirting again, going on a date. That's part of the process. 

I don't need a man to raise my self value. I need to start experiencing singlehood, flirting, accepting a date. We're not talking about jumping in a relationship.

[Alpacalia]

42 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Her first post specifically said:

”I used to view myself as the whole package for a man. I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man...Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back?”

 

And then a number of posts from women saying yes that might work. Including “the best way to get over a man is to get under a man.” 
 

Like what does any interaction with a man have to do with “mojo”? If you’re confident and have self worth, none of that will matter. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe women derive some of their value from their interactions with men. 

I see it as someone simply expressing her feelings after going through a very difficult experience. 

 

Edited May 8, 2021 by Alpaca

[FMW]

Men are probably shaken more by career and financial setbacks.  Women are often stronger in those situations, but as @Gaeta said, when your partner chooses to have sex with others, it's harder for a woman to want to get out there and try dating again.  

[jspice]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Her first post specifically said:

”I used to view myself as the whole package for a man. I used to be such a confident seductress now I feel I don't have what it takes to keep a man...Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back?”

 

And then a number of posts from women saying yes that might work. Including “the best way to get over a man is to get under a man.” 
 

Like what does any interaction with a man have to do with “mojo”? If you’re confident and have self worth, none of that will matter. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe women derive some of their value from their interactions with men. 

I see. Thanks for explaining. 

I’ve been cheated on too and it felt like an actual kick to the stomach. Gaeta didn’t  even see hers coming, i don’t think. I understood what she wrote and in terms of that aspect but I can understand how you didn’t connect those two things. 
For sure some women do feel like they need to have a man but the ladies in this thread, by things they’ve posted in their own or others’ threads before didn’t give me that impression here. 

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’m surprised by the amount of self worth for women that is reliant on attention from men. To me this seems unhealthy, but the posts from women on this thread make it seem normal. I’d suggest the moment you’re not reliant on men (or anything external really) for feeling good about yourself, is the best time to start looking for romance again.

Well, just as many men derive their self-worth from women.  I don't think it's just women.

We're social creatures.  Sure none of us is reliant on a significant other but life is better with one.  I think enjoying your own company is healthy, but that idea can be taken too far if it leads to developing habits that don't allow for someone great to come into your life. 

For instance, going out and enjoying social activities on your own and meeting people by chance that way is tthe perfect balance IMO.  You're out there, but not forcing the issue.

Quote

Like what does any interaction with a man have to do with “mojo”? If you’re confident and have self worth, none of that will matter. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe women derive some of their value from their interactions with men. 

Confidence doesn't just come from thin air though.  There's an identifiable source for it.  In this case, validation of sexual value can add to confidence.  Maybe if you already have a high level of confidence it doesn't have much of an effect on you, but if someone is low on confidence I definitely could see it having a marked positive effect.

Edited May 8, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

Hey Gaeta, I don't believe you should settle for a man who is a possible sex addict, no way.

I know this thread is about dating again, but hear me out if you would.

Do you know who Neil Strauss is?  He wrote the NY Times bestseller "The Game" that gave rise to pick up artistry and the PUA movement.

He has a new book out describing how "game" messed him up so bad, he became a self-admitted full blown sex addict, had a mental breakdown because of it, from which he wasn't sure he would ever recover. 

He was in a very loving relationship at the time as well.  His girlfriend eventually left him.  She told him she would consider starting over if he agreed to treatment.

Long story short, he did, he recovered, they got back together, got married, have a child, and he is the happiest he has ever been!! 😂

I've said this before but your ex, your relationship and the way he cherished you, and you him, sounded lovely.  Beautiful.

He has serious issues, no question but would you consider doing what Neil Strauss' gf did?

Have you talked to him at all?  My guess is he is feeling a lot of shame, and that shame could further spiral him down.  

Just a thought because sounds like there was a lot of love there, and (1) that type of love doesnt come along every day and (2) it never truly dies, not when it's genuine the way yours is, yours and his.

 

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Even the most confident and secure woman will be shaken in her feminine identity after being cheated on then abandonned.

The only way your confidence would be shaken is if you think his cheating was because of you. And of course it had nothing at all to do with you. It was all on him. Not personal. 
 

That’s the beauty of not relying on the external for feeling worthy or confident. 
 

Random example. You see two men that you find attractive. One of them is flirty and shows a lot of interest. The other makes it clear he’s not attracted to you. Which one is right? Does it even matter? Some people will find you attractive and some won’t - and it has nothing to do with you either way. What somebody is attracted to is all about themselves - some random combo of genetics and experiences. Not personal whether they find you attractive or not. That’s why it’s so dangerous to rely on external validation. In my opinion.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

The only way your confidence would be shaken is if you think his cheating was because of you. And of course it had nothing at all to do with you. It was all on him. Not personal. 

I don't know if you have followed my breakup thread but yes initially I felt responsible because I had abandonned him/us in the bedroom for almost 2 years. We were intimate 2 or 3 times a month because of a bad menopause. It was a lot of work for me to stop feeling guilty. 

I am not relying on men to give me a sense of worth. My confidence is still there, it has been shaken, that's a big difference. People experience the same feeling when they lose a job.

[glows]

It's more of the process of coming back out into the dating world, seeing yourself in a different lens and learning to express yourself in new or varied ways after a break up and less about external validation (although I can see it read that way also). FWIW, that's what I interpreted the thread to read.

It encompasses a lot more than attraction of the opposite sex. 

It's an exploration of self and self regained in the process. 

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am not relying on men to give me a sense of worth. My confidence is still there, it has been shaken, that's a big difference.

Not sure what that means. Can you explain the difference between a loss of confidence and shaken confidence? And how attention from men would affect it?

 

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

People experience the same feeling when they lose a job.

Only if they question their abilities in the first place. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

He has serious issues, no question but would you consider doing what Neil Strauss' gf did?

Have you talked to him at all?  My guess is he is feeling a lot of shame, and that shame could further spiral him down.  

Yes, he brought up therapy himself. I told him I was hurt but didn't want to lose him, he said the same. The day after the breakup he disappeared. We never had a real conversation. He sent me a couple of random text 2 weeks later saying he loves me even if I hate him, and went on about how I was always kind and loving and he's lost and depressed. Nothing after that then I sent him a short message 1 month later when my dog died. He replied a long sincere condoleances message and I left it at that. That was 5 months ago. 

 

Edited May 9, 2021 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not sure what that means. Can you explain the difference between a loss of confidence and shaken confidence? And how attention from men would affect it?

 

Only if they question their abilities in the first place. 

To me the difference between loss confidence and shaken confidence is the first one you don't see yourself as attractive, you put yourself down, you can't accept a compliment you think people lie just to make you feel better about yourself. The second one is you know you're attractive, you know your strong points, you can name the positive about you, you're able to sincerely accept a compliment, you just need to be pushed. Like a bird needs to be pushed off the nest to realize he knows how to fly. 

Like after almost drowning. You know you have all it takes to swim, you just need to push yourself back in water and it will all come back to you. 

Edited May 9, 2021 by Gaeta

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Like a bird needs to be pushed off the nest to realize he knows how to fly. 

OK, will admit I don’t get it. You need attention from men to feel better about yourself. To me it seems unhealthy, but seemingly it’s perfectly natural and emotionally healthy. So yes, get out there and date / fly.

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

OK, will admit I don’t get it. You need attention from men to feel better about yourself. To me it seems unhealthy, but seemingly it’s perfectly natural and emotionally healthy. So yes, get out there and date / fly.

 

Notice that l didn't say * l need * male attention, l said: *Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back* i'm extrapolating, wondering, analyzing.  It's not about needing it. 

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 

Notice that l didn't say * l need * male attention, l said: *Maybe getting a bit of attention from men will help me find my mojo back* i'm extrapolating, wondering, analyzing.  It's not about needing it. 

Fair enough. It’s a matter of degree. In my mind if you break the connection completely between male attention and your self worth / confidence / mojo you’d be in a healthy place to date. Logically the other side of the coin is you questioning your value when you were cheated on. Breaking that connection provides the same benefit. Your value isn’t dependent on other people's actions.

[chillii]

18 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not really. I’ve always been about compatibility so random women never impacted me. I didn’t need that type of validation. Fully admitting I might be the oddball here. Was just surprised at the consensus from many of the women on this thread. 
 

In my mind I was thinking if you’re looking at dating to feel better about yourself, it’s a sign you shouldn’t be dating yet. But what do I know.

 

Haa well , at least there's two of us here anyway.

But anyway , it's also games really. But nah , not surprised at all from this stuff coming from women bc so many women get themselves so messed up in the end from this type of thing, if your single for a stint you meet bucket loads of them that really just shouldn't even be out there.

But just for op , l mean l get the time thing , it's a real fkr as we get older , l do realize . But could you be happy just being you for awhile, just living , getting back to you and just life. Sounds like you need longer to me not only from this but pasts as well.

Alternatively if you felt like you'd just like to or whatever, back in the day l remember there were quite a few women on my date site , that just explained on their page that they'd just like to go out to tea or a movie now and then, nothing heavy or serious. They'd often mention break ups or separated or whatever the case.But at least it's up front , l'm sure there'd be a lot of men would just like things like that too.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 9, 2021 by chillii

[Gaeta]

@Weezy1973 @chillii : I am very comfortable with myself. Before meeting my ex I was single 10 years and owning it. 

I am not looking for a boyfriend or a relationship. I am not ready for that. I'm talking being out there and feeling like a single woman again. I would never mislead a man, or lie about how long I've been single and where I am in in my process. 

I have a male friend who broke up with his 3 year girlfriend about 2 weeks ago. In a matter of 48 hours he was on 3 different dating apps. Men are notorious for that. At least I am 6 months into my process and at this point I am only talking about going back to dating, I am not on any dating app. 

[jspice]

35 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Weezy1973 @chillii : I am very comfortable with myself. Before meeting my ex I was single 10 years and owning it. 

I am not looking for a boyfriend or a relationship. I am not ready for that. I'm talking being out there and feeling like a single woman again. I would never mislead a man, or lie about how long I've been single and where I am in in my process. 

I have a male friend who broke up with his 3 year girlfriend about 2 weeks ago. In a matter of 48 hours he was on 3 different dating apps. Men are notorious for that. At least I am 6 months into my process and at this point I am only talking about going back to dating, I am not on any dating app. 

These two posters apparently  have never had their hearts broken or experienced relationship turmoil because I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have even a little self-doubt in your situation.
 

Men can have a new woman in their beds in under 24 hours and want everyone to believe they’re just fine. Meanwhile they’re falling apart and then come here to bash all the “evil” women who dare to exist 🙄

[Taramere]

On 5/7/2021 at 12:51 AM, Gaeta said:

To get back my 'mojo' last week I went to a stylist and had a trendy haircut. I had not cut my hair in a  year so it was in the midddle of my back, now it's shoulder lenght with an updated look. I also renewed my wardrobe, and this weekend with my daughters we will take several pictures. I'm not sure I want to go online, but in case I'm inspired I will have several recent pictures at my disposal. I am pretty sure my ex is active on several dating sites. I do not want to see him in my searches. 

It definitely sounds as though you're getting there.  It's amazing how a new haircut can help you to close a chapter.

I think when you're in a frame of mind where you're thinking about local cafes you'd like to try out, locations you'd like to visit and generally sociable activities you'd like to have a go at, that's a sign of being ready to get into flirtatious situations that might lead to something more.  The trouble with LS is that you end up getting advice from so many different people, who are in so many different situations, that if you tried to take it all on board you'd end up never believing that you were ready to start dating again.  At any age, just being up for trying a couple of new activities and meeting a few new people suggest to me that dating is something you'd be likely to enjoy even if it involves having to endure a few less than exciting dates with people you don't really connect with before meeting somebody you do click with.

[elaine567]

 I believe there comes a time you have to get back on that horse even if you are still a nervous wreck after the fall. 
I also think if you leave it too late, you may never get back onto that horse, there will always be some excuse not to do it...

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

These two posters apparently  have never had their hearts broken or experienced relationship turmoil

Seriously? That’s your takeaway? I’m almost 50 years old and have experienced pretty much the gambit. Just I realize now, after many of these experiences, that nothing someone else does is about me. If a woman isn’t attracted to me, it has nothing to do with me. It’s about her and what she happens to be attracted to. If a woman cheats on me it has nothing to do with me. It’s her values and desires that drive her to do it. Not me.

@Gaeta spoke to believing she was the “whole package for a man”, and to me that’s a somewhat unhealthy way of thinking. That someone as a person defines themself by being “a whole package” to a man (or woman). Nobody is designed for anyone else. Some people are more compatible than others and people can change over time. It’s not personal. 
 

Again it comes down to how much of your worth do you place on your attractiveness or desirability to the opposite sex? Why? Doesn’t make sense to me. 

[jspice]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Seriously? That’s your takeaway? I’m almost 50 years old and have experienced pretty much the gambit. Just I realize now, after many of these experiences, that nothing someone else does is about me. If a woman isn’t attracted to me, it has nothing to do with me. It’s about her and what she happens to be attracted to. If a woman cheats on me it has nothing to do with me. It’s her values and desires that drive her to do it. Not me.

@Gaeta spoke to believing she was the “whole package for a man”, and to me that’s a somewhat unhealthy way of thinking. That someone as a person defines themself by being “a whole package” to a man (or woman). Nobody is designed for anyone else. Some people are more compatible than others and people can change over time. It’s not personal. 
 

Again it comes down to how much of your worth do you place on your attractiveness or desirability to the opposite sex? Why? Doesn’t make sense to me. 

My takeaway is that your insistence on this one inaccurate point is baffling. Gaeta is writing how she feels and you’re stubbornly misinterpreting it. 
it doesn’t make sense to me that it doesn’t make sense to you and you’re unrelenting in just letting it be the way it is.