What is best case scenario?

[Hanging in]

I am still reeling from a 7 year relationship loss due to the kids being too much for my ex. He dealt with this by on and off cheating for 2 years until accidentally getting caught. He and I have known for some time he was struggling mentally, it’s still undiagnosed but we are all but certain (his family too) he is for contending with something called “Obsessive Compulsive Personality disorder” very different than obsessive compulsive disorder. 
 

anyway, kids in the house is torture to him. He loves them but cannot control his rage. Honestly, alot of us struggle amirite? Lol, anyway, his rage was a little different than the average parent and I’ll just leave it at that.

Now, back to the break up. The only thing I could think about was the kids. Now there is no longer a person there to see his flare before it ignites, no one to shoo the kids from the room, tend to their emotional wounds from his hateful rhetoric etc. or to shuffle him to his man cave and keep the kids whole.

 

I made the choice to involve his parents. They are very close to the kids and my only support if I get sick, hurt or otherwise need help. Theres trust. I asked them to take on supervising visits if I can’t be there. (Twin 2 yro and a 5yro with adhd behavior problems). 
 

my focus is just to keep it holy when together so the kids can relax with their dad and I’m want his parents to feel comfortable coming over for fear this burns them out.

i know about the no contact rule and trust me, prior to kids, I fully agree. Obviously this is not possible. 
 

he is not able to co-parent effectively, he jams up decision making and in general doesn’t have a good heading on what the kids’ needs are because he hasn’t been “interested “ for their last 2-5 years. I have a signed agreement for sole custody and supervised visits at the moment but go above and beyond to support all visitation. So far they see each other 3 times a week. As a firefighter with 24 hour shifts it’s not new that dad isn’t always home.

every step I have taken to secure the kids and my future has made waves including admitting to friends what happened. He gets mad, likely out of shame and threatens to tell all my secrets. I don’t actually have a ton but I’ve kept some medical diagnosis’s close to my chest.

point is, I am aware of the storm. I am no longer fighting that this is real. I’m accepting and paying attention to what I DO have instead of what I don’t but I am curious if anyone out there has successfully done the ex with kids thing. Anybody on friendly tone with their ex? How did you get there? Especially with the ex feeling jilted by court order. What IS the best case scenario? Anything I could be doing right now that will narrow my heading towards success? If I’m going to do this I want the most healthy and loving version. 

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry to hear where you are. 

I think he needs serioce help with his behvior.i dont think you  and your in laws  can resolve that, You have enough with the the kids and your house hold.

Best of luck. 

[Hanging in]

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Sorry to hear where you are. 

I think he needs serioce help with his behvior.i dont think you  and your in laws  can resolve that, You have enough with the the kids and your house hold.

Best of luck. 

Sigh...you might be right. It’s a given that controlling myself is key here but I’m only 50% of the potential for toxicity. I’m desperate to find a space in my life that blocks me from further damage. I’m in a decent headspace all things considering, Just strongly interested in keeping it that way, you know? Thank you for listening.

[glows]

Quote

every step I have taken to secure the kids and my future has made waves including admitting to friends what happened. He gets mad, likely out of shame and threatens to tell all my secrets.

Wait for the dust to settle and try to avoid any particulars about the divorce. The reasonings/whys are completely personal between your ex and you. Don't share that or add to the gossip or rumour mill. If anyone keeps asking how things are or brings you information about his love life or wants to indulge in yours, you simply do not give out those details and establish those boundaries early on.

Everything that you say that may have a negative spin on your ex, comes back to you and the kids. Whatever he has done in the past, you'll have to let it go. It doesn't mean he gets to be your partner or husband again but hopefully he continues to have a positive relationship with the kids and remains a good father. 

[Harry Korsnes]

10 minutes ago, Hanging in said:

Sigh...you might be right. It’s a given that controlling myself is key here but I’m only 50% of the potential for toxicity. I’m desperate to find a space in my life that blocks me from further damage. I’m in a decent headspace all things considering, Just strongly interested in keeping it that way, you know? Thank you for listening.

Hop5 you hang in there 👍

[Hanging in]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Wait for the dust to settle and try to avoid any particulars about the divorce. The reasonings/whys are completely personal between your ex and you. Don't share that or add to the gossip or rumour mill. If anyone keeps asking how things are or brings you information about his love life or wants to indulge in yours, you simply do not give out those details and establish those boundaries early on.

Everything that you say that may have a negative spin on your ex, comes back to you and the kids. Whatever he has done in the past, you'll have to let it go. It doesn't mean he gets to be your partner or husband again but hopefully he continues to have a positive relationship with the kids and remains a good father. 

I’m not sure how things “come back to” us. Can you elaborate? I guess I feel like the few people that know about the “why” see the person who was betrayed setting the tone that “everything is ok, life goes on you can relax” & being really kind to and genuinely happy for the offending party, I’m sure he feels better with some distance from the kids and gf. I’m not going to divulge anything to the little kids but unfortunately my ex told my 17 yro everything and to say the least it’s unleashed an anger that trumps any I had. Although I’ve asked her to let me be in charge of my story I also don’t doubt she’ll fill them in when they get older. You never know though. I just want to get on with it. I wish everybody knew so none of us ever had to mention it again but it trickles through social chains and everything seems time released, for all the work i’ve put in to acceptance and healing people are still on day 1 when they find out...thanks for receiving the vent though

[glows]

19 minutes ago, Hanging in said:

I’m not sure how things “come back to” us. Can you elaborate? I guess I feel like the few people that know about the “why” see the person who was betrayed setting the tone that “everything is ok, life goes on you can relax” & being really kind to and genuinely happy for the offending party, I’m sure he feels better with some distance from the kids and gf. I’m not going to divulge anything to the little kids but unfortunately my ex told my 17 yro everything and to say the least it’s unleashed an anger that trumps any I had. Although I’ve asked her to let me be in charge of my story I also don’t doubt she’ll fill them in when they get older. You never know though. I just want to get on with it. I wish everybody knew so none of us ever had to mention it again but it trickles through social chains and everything seems time released, for all the work i’ve put in to acceptance and healing people are still on day 1 when they find out...thanks for receiving the vent though

Having to relive this constantly is so painful. Now that it's out there, best to weather it with as much grace and dignity as possible. It's not you afterall who chose to upend the family. He has to live the rest of his life knowing that his marriage ended due to his cheating and whomever he is involved with thereafter will know or should know about his personal and private life and his past. This is a personal nightmare that he has to live through forever. I can think of no other greater punishment or retribution than one's own conscience (if he has one). 

Eventually all this will settle and it won't continue to be headlines or a thing/topic if you don't let it. Every time someone brings it up, let it pass. Thank the person for their concern and change the subject. 

Kids aren't ignorant either and I'm sure they already know. They know what led to it and they have a fairly good idea of who instigated the divorce and why their parents divorced. Are they open to counselling? Maybe all this pressure will be relieved from you if you just keep your heart and mind on them(as a family), don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks.

What I meant by coming back to you is basically resentment for the past. Saying anything negative about your ex only ends up hurting you and your children in the long run. 

Edited May 6, 2021 by glows

[Hanging in]

12 hours ago, glows said:

Having to relive this constantly is so painful. Now that it's out there, best to weather it with as much grace and dignity as possible. It's not you afterall who chose to upend the family. He has to live the rest of his life knowing that his marriage ended due to his cheating and whomever he is involved with thereafter will know or should know about his personal and private life and his past. This is a personal nightmare that he has to live through forever. I can think of no other greater punishment or retribution than one's own conscience (if he has one). 

Eventually all this will settle and it won't continue to be headlines or a thing/topic if you don't let it. Every time someone brings it up, let it pass. Thank the person for their concern and change the subject. 

Kids aren't ignorant either and I'm sure they already know. They know what led to it and they have a fairly good idea of who instigated the divorce and why their parents divorced. Are they open to counselling? Maybe all this pressure will be relieved from you if you just keep your heart and mind on them(as a family), don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks.

What I meant by coming back to you is basically resentment for the past. Saying anything negative about your ex only ends up hurting you and your children in the long run. 

Thank you, I understand your point better now. I appreciate the clarification. I am on the right track it seems, most know we are not together but only a select, trusted few, that know my heart know the why and I guess I wanted to have a single sentence explain my pain and let that be the end of it. They know my intact family was my best life and just to tell them not only what happened, but how bad it happened was kind of shedding a weight and I’m done now. I never really thought of it as payback. My ex does not have much for a conscience but I’m sure will wake up in a cold sweat some night realizing what he lost and although thats not of any great comfort to me he will have his own consequence.

 

anyway, back to the matter of releasing the “why”’we broke up: Those trusted few know without follow up questions what the general project is and I feel relief because there is nothing further that can be learned that I’ll have to talk about again, it’s out there, done and idk why but that feels cleansing to me. 
 

My daughter very much so wants to attend counseling we just keep striking out with folks being too full or not taking our insurance. I will continue to engage professional until we succeed though. 
 

I am trying to do this the “right” way and short of the two exes being best friends working through familial business, I guess I’m doing it. Thank you again for listening to this garbage. I need to get this out somewhere and counseling only addresses the tip of an enormous iceberg sometimes. It’s kind of you to bounce back your thoughts. Hope sometime I can offer the same.

[glows]

16 hours ago, Hanging in said:

Thank you, I understand your point better now. I appreciate the clarification. I am on the right track it seems, most know we are not together but only a select, trusted few, that know my heart know the why and I guess I wanted to have a single sentence explain my pain and let that be the end of it. They know my intact family was my best life and just to tell them not only what happened, but how bad it happened was kind of shedding a weight and I’m done now. I never really thought of it as payback. My ex does not have much for a conscience but I’m sure will wake up in a cold sweat some night realizing what he lost and although thats not of any great comfort to me he will have his own consequence.

 

anyway, back to the matter of releasing the “why”’we broke up: Those trusted few know without follow up questions what the general project is and I feel relief because there is nothing further that can be learned that I’ll have to talk about again, it’s out there, done and idk why but that feels cleansing to me. 
 

My daughter very much so wants to attend counseling we just keep striking out with folks being too full or not taking our insurance. I will continue to engage professional until we succeed though. 
 

I am trying to do this the “right” way and short of the two exes being best friends working through familial business, I guess I’m doing it. Thank you again for listening to this garbage. I need to get this out somewhere and counseling only addresses the tip of an enormous iceberg sometimes. It’s kind of you to bounce back your thoughts. Hope sometime I can offer the same.

What I found helpful was/is journaling. It also helps organize my thoughts. I don't write every day but every few days helps because I can look back and see how my thoughts or opinions on a matter have changed over time. When I was in the midst of separation from my spouse I had a lot of bottled up anxieties and worries about different things. Writing it down helped organize what I had to do and it also encouraged me to have more of a forward-thinking outlook on life. I wasn't just worried about the day to day or what I had to do next, I also thought about what I wanted for the future, whatever that may be. Now having filed for divorce, I find I picked up the habit of writing and when I look back at the thoughts I had over a year ago compared to the ones I have now it's really quite amazing how much a person can evolve or change over time. 

Have faith in yourself and what's in store for you and your family. Keep that hope alive for something much brighter. After having what you've gone through, it's only up from here.

I can empathize about the feeling of relief being able to talk with the trusted few. I agree that being able to lean on these individuals feels cleansing. It was a bit like having that burden lifted off or shared and the weight of carrying around the issues of the marriage/divorce didn't have to be kept in silence. It's so good you have that! I'm glad also your daughter is considering counseling.

I'm not sure there is any "right" way. You just do your best. That is enough, imo. 

Edited May 8, 2021 by glows

[Hanging in]

6 hours ago, glows said:

What I found helpful was/is journaling. It also helps organize my thoughts. I don't write every day but every few days helps because I can look back and see how my thoughts or opinions on a matter have changed over time. When I was in the midst of separation from my spouse I had a lot of bottled up anxieties and worries about different things. Writing it down helped organize what I had to do and it also encouraged me to have more of a forward-thinking outlook on life. I wasn't just worried about the day to day or what I had to do next, I also thought about what I wanted for the future, whatever that may be. Now having filed for divorce, I find I picked up the habit of writing and when I look back at the thoughts I had over a year ago compared to the ones I have now it's really quite amazing how much a person can evolve or change over time. 

Have faith in yourself and what's in store for you and your family. Keep that hope alive for something much brighter. After having what you've gone through, it's only up from here.

I can empathize about the feeling of relief being able to talk with the trusted few. I agree that being able to lean on these individuals feels cleansing. It was a bit like having that burden lifted off or shared and the weight of carrying around the issues of the marriage/divorce didn't have to be kept in silence. It's so good you have that! I'm glad also your daughter is considering counseling.

I'm not sure there is any "right" way. You just do your best. That is enough, imo. 

Sharing the weight, yes!!! I’m starting to see it though. Everybody wants us to be happy so knowing we split, fine but nobody really cares why. The dramatics of why is just shock value and it seemed to be a comfort to see people that know him, buckle in disbelief, the same way I did. Like I’m not the only one out there blown away. In the same instance, I look like I’m sympathy digging by divulging that and I want to be a “high road” person. On another note,  I don’t think I’ve ever been so aware of kindness as I am right now and your message was really caring. I’m grateful for that. I’m curious, do you and your ex have kids? How do you deal with family events that you’re both invited to? I’m curious if there are families that frequent together without really a second thought by others (or themselves) At the end of the day, I don’t want this person back, he’s not even sorry and continues to try to deepen the rock bottom with more mini problems. But I wonder how can I make the very best of this? One that sets a good example for all these littles?

[glows]

3 hours ago, Hanging in said:

Sharing the weight, yes!!! I’m starting to see it though. Everybody wants us to be happy so knowing we split, fine but nobody really cares why. The dramatics of why is just shock value and it seemed to be a comfort to see people that know him, buckle in disbelief, the same way I did. Like I’m not the only one out there blown away. In the same instance, I look like I’m sympathy digging by divulging that and I want to be a “high road” person. On another note,  I don’t think I’ve ever been so aware of kindness as I am right now and your message was really caring. I’m grateful for that. I’m curious, do you and your ex have kids? How do you deal with family events that you’re both invited to? I’m curious if there are families that frequent together without really a second thought by others (or themselves) At the end of the day, I don’t want this person back, he’s not even sorry and continues to try to deepen the rock bottom with more mini problems. But I wonder how can I make the very best of this? One that sets a good example for all these littles?

It is good to have others to lean on. I'm not sure if it's about the high road so much as it was getting through one day at a time. If that means leaning on your support, then do lean on those individuals you trust. Despite the separation and divorce I still feel very strongly that certain elements were only between him and I (that still to this day, no one knows the details of). There's no reason to talk about them even though they did lead to the breakdown in the marriage. All that matters is that it's a closed chapter to me. There is resolution and closure there. Even though I may no longer see the man in the same way or regard him as I used to, I can respect what we did share and leave it intact on my end. It does not mean that I fail to acknowledge all the reasons why it didn't work. I'm not sure if this helps in some way. I didn't consciously think of this while I was in the thick of it. It's what it is. 

There is co-parenting counselling also for divorced and separated couples if you want to look into that. It doesn't sound like your ex is able to make the distinction between personal issues and making decisions in the best interests of the children. I'm sorry to hear this. It might help with your communication overall as co-parents.