I'm assuming he's not into me and just wanted sex.

[Speedyone]

OLD...

I started chatting with a guy on OkCupid last week.  We started chatting then I gave him my number.  He called me after, we talked, I had to go, but he started texting me.  We ended up texting until 2 in the morning.  He texted me in the morning and throughout the day and said that he wanted to meet me that night.  I honestly had plans already and told him that I was busy but he asked if I could just meet him for a few minutes.  I agreed.  He met me after I met with my friends and we sat outside of a restaurant and talked for almost an hour.  

I'll admit, physically, I wasn't attracted to him.  But talking to him was very nice.  It was really good conversation.  He was very attentive, took my hand and held it, off and on.  It was really nice.  I had to go, but he said that he was very glad that I met with him and that he wanted to kiss me goodnight.  I let him and the kiss was very nice.  He asked if I was actually going to call him again, I said I would, and that was it.

I agreed to go out with him again on Saturday.  We went to lunch, then back to his place where we talked, a lot, but then ended up sleeping together.  Afterwards, he asked me again if I was actually going to call him again, I told him I would. 

Of course, since then, we've talked for a little bit once a day, but not like before.  Then I told him Sunday that  I was free all day on Thursday and he said that he was, too, so we made plans to get together then.  So, I'm kind of learning to not be so needy and not chase after these guys, so I've kind of adopted the "if he wants to talk to me, he will"...so one day, I didn't hear from him, so I didn't text him.  He texted me late that night asking "why I'd been so quiet?".  I just told him that I didn't want to bother him if he was busy and he said that I would never bother him.  

So anyway, Wednesday comes and he texts me saying that he had a long day and he had to go to Maryland for work (it's about 3 hours away).  I told him that I was looking forward to seeing him on Thursday, but I understand how work is, and that it was ok.  He said that he was pretty sure that he would be back sometime Thursday so we should still be able to see each other.  Thursday comes and he texts me good morning and we chat for a little bit, but I don't hear from him most of the day.  He texts me around 5 saying that he'd be home by 8, if I still wanted to meet up.  I tell him that I can't wait.  But then around 630, he texts me saying that he had to pull over because his car was making noises and that he'd have to take a rain check because the place that he had it towed to was closed and couldn't look at it then.  That was the last that I heard from him.

Sorry that I posted a literal book.  I'm trying to get back into this dating thing, but I don't know what I'm doing.  I'm trying to not make the same mistakes, lol.  He's a nice guy and I'd like to keep seeing him, but I'd rather get rid of him before I start to have real feelings for him if he's lying to me.   What do guy guys think?  Did I get used for sex?  Or do I not have to hear from him everyday for him to want to date?

[Ami1uwant]

Hard to say this was a blow off vs being legit. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt but don’t chase him.

 

 

[Marc878]

Sounds legit. Time will tell.

[Dis]

From what you've written I don't think you're the kind of woman who can have sex early on and not have it result in anxiety later, so in the future, hold off. Let him take you out, let him show you what he's made of, get comfortable with him first. Don't rush sex.

 

As for him using you for sex, I think he's communicated with you and made an effort. Assuming what he's telling you about his car is true, I don't see see anything to worry about. He's just not a big texter and most guys aren't

 

Relax. Even if he does drop off the radar you need to remind yourself there will be probably be plenty more guys who come in and out of your life and none of them are worth getting worked up about when you hardly know them. Put things into perspective, you've met this guy twice. That's it. 

 

Take deep breaths and don't let this cause you any more worries

 

xoxo 

 

edit: when he texted you that you've been quiet and that you would never bother him by reaching out, that was your cue to amp up the communication a bit if he's the one who's always texting first. Guys like effort too. 

 

 

Edited May 8, 2021 by Dis

[glows]

I don't think you were used. But why adopt such a term? You wanted to sleep with him just as much, right? 

That's a bummer that Thurs didn't work out but now he'll have a lot to tell you when you both do meet up next. Stay busy, do your thing and try not to worry too much. He sounds like a nice guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't think you were used. But why adopt such a term? You wanted to sleep with him just as much, right? 

I agree with this. 

He can't use you when you're a willing participant, OP. 

[Calmandfocused]

That’s a lot of physical and emotional intimacy with someone you’re not even attracted to op. 
 

Perhaps you should consider whether his approval is what you’re interested in and not him per see. 
 

I’m not hopeful. I think he ramped it up to get you connected to him.  I think he got what he wanted and now he’s doing the slow fade. 
 

Btw I don’t believe the story about the car. Not at all. 
 

I wouldn’t text him more, I’d be backing right off and exploring other options. 

[Sun Seeker]

Not attracted to him but happy to go back to his place on the second date and sleep together? Right ok.

Seems you were happy to start things off very casually, so that's the way he will see it too.

[Speedyone]

6 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Not attracted to him but happy to go back to his place on the second date and sleep together? Right ok.

Seems you were happy to start things off very casually, so that's the way he will see it too.

So, physically, I wasn't attracted to him.  But the more that we talked, the way that he pays attention to me, I liked it.  So, I'm attracted to him in other ways.  

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, Dis said:

From what you've written I don't think you're the kind of woman who can have sex early on and not have it result in anxiety later, so in the future, hold off. Let him take you out, let him show you what he's made of, get comfortable with him first. Don't rush sex.

This.

6 hours ago, glows said:

I don't think you were used. But why adopt such a term? You wanted to sleep with him just as much, right?

And especially this.

If you're going to have sex on the 1st or 2nd date - or whenever, really - do it because it's what you want to do, not because you're hoping it guarantees future contact. Then the issue of being "used" is off the table.

Lots of early dating peters out in the first 1-6 dates.  If you have sex within that timeframe, it's possible you won't see the guy again, not necessarily because he "used" you for sex, but because there were other reasons things were not meant to be. It could even be you who decides not to take things further. 

[Speedyone]

Thanks, everyone.  I texted him last night telling him that it was a long, busy day but that I was thinking about him and that I hope that he had a good day.  No answer, but it was around 1030 last night.  You guys are right, time will tell.  

Thanks!

[Sun Seeker]

50 minutes ago, Speedyone said:

So, physically, I wasn't attracted to him.  But the more that we talked, the way that he pays attention to me, I liked it.  So, I'm attracted to him in other ways.  

Paying attention to you is a very basic thing, nothing special. Us men will do or say anything to get a woman into bed.

Set your sights a bit higher if you want something serious with a high quality man. Instead of settling for just attention, get to know them better over a bit more time, make sure they are looking for the same thing as you.

This guy's actions all showed he was looking for something casual, which you went with, so I would not be surprised if it develops into nothing more serious than what it was.

[d0nnivain]

I think you need stronger boundaries.   When you met on the app & talked that was good.  When you ended the voice conversation because you "had to go" but he texted you until 2 a.m. that is where you lost me.  IMO that was rude, invasive & pushy.  But you let it happen so you immediately telegraphed to him that you were somebody who doesn't know her own mind who he could push around.  

In your shoes once I got that 1st text my response would have been, "While I enjoyed talking to you before, I meant it when I said I had to go.  That was your cue to leave me alone for now.  I don't have time or the desire to text with you all night.  Please respect that."   If he said anything other than Sorry I would have blocked him immediately but you let it go merrily along. 

He kept up his pushy behavior the next morning, demanding you see him that night.  He thinks you have nothing better to do or should drop everything for him.  I find that level of spontaneity / lack of planning  insulting.  I also have a life so shoe horning a new person in rarely works.  Even though you said you had plans, you fit him in anyway.  Again you proved that you are malleable & he could manipulate you easily. 

Even though you claim that you were not attracted to him, on the 2nd date he had you on your back having sex.   Now you have been chasing after him while he's running in the opposite direction & you are scared of getting attached.  Texting him at 10:30 pm on a weekend night is further proof to him that you don't have a life.  I promise you he was on a date with a different woman or out with the boys on the prowl.   He now knows you are begging for his attention.  The thrill is gone for him.  

You are a woman who needs to re-read a modern version of that old book The Rules.   The Rules themselves are ridiculous but at ground they are about having self respect & not allowing yourself to be manipulated by a guy.  It's about being hard to get (which is different than playing hard to get).   Learn to end conversations quickly.  Wait a day or two before you meet for the 1st time.   Do not have sex on early dates.  Somebody like you who is easily talked into things, needs hard fast rules about her sexual behavior.  I like sex &  knew myself well enough to know that if things got hot & heavy I'd follow my libido which often got me into trouble so I purposefully held back. I adhered to a 12 date rule before I would consider sex.  Even at 3 dates per week that usually involved a month of knowing somebody before I fell into bed.  But I would make exceptions or joke that sometimes out & back counted as 2 dates; flowers = a date; holidays counted double etc.  It wasn't about the magic number 12 but about making sure I wasn't rushing the physical before there was a proper foundation.  You just gave in every time he pushed & now he's bored.  

Since you are just getting back into dating you really have to set up boundaries for yourself about what you will & won't tolerate.  You need standards.  Without standards & expectations you will be jerked around by everyone you meet.  Until you respect yourself nobody else will respect you.  

[salparadise]

I think you should not be listening to the negative nellies on here. Go with it and let it unfold as it will. All possibilities are open. Even if it doesn't turn into a long-term relationship you can still have a positive experience dating. I would not worry about him not texting constantly. It's nearly impossible to sustain, and it doesn't mean he's lost interest, it just means things are normalizing (as would be expected). High intensity is the abnormal mode. 

I also don't think you were "used for sex," because it was your choice and you got the exact same from it as he did. Any notion about him being obligated to fulfill your hopes and dreams because of the sex (and if not you were used), is simply erroneous. If you don't want to engage in casual sex, then wait until a relationship is established. It still doesn't guarantee everything will turn out as you would have it, but will keep your count from going exponential and get rid of the ones for whom sex in dating is the first (or only) priority. Most men (including the good ones) aren't going to stick around indefinitely without sex, but if they're actually interested in dating you aside from sex, they won't be deterred by not having it on the first or second date.

I hope things work out. He sounds like a good guy. Give him the benefit of any doubt until/unless you have reason not to.

Edited May 8, 2021 by salparadise

[smackie9]

He could be feeling the same as you....wondering if you are truly that interested in him. In turn he's keeping his options open and was possibly out on another date with someone else. He is not obligated to tell you at this stage. You two are still free birds, and can date others. So it's best not to invest this early.

Edited May 8, 2021 by smackie9

[Lisa_Lisa]

11 hours ago, Speedyone said:

Thanks, everyone.  I texted him last night telling him that it was a long, busy day but that I was thinking about him and that I hope that he had a good day.  No answer, but it was around 1030 last night.  You guys are right, time will tell.  

Thanks!

I don't think you should have texted him. It's like you were trying to remind him you exist. He knows you exist as do you. Keep yourself busy with other things and not prioritze him or the communication. Men back off after sex sometimes, let him. Let him text you, ask you questions, plan dates with you. If he texts you back, keep your texts polite and sweet, but not over emotional like "thinking of you.." You think he might like this, but he won't, he'll think, damn she got hooked quick. A man craves a woman more when he's not sure how she feels about him...

[chillii]

All this used business with women gets on my nerves it's usually just self inflicted silly. l mean he can't sleep with you unless you sleep with him, he can't sleep with her on his own, not like he held a gun to her. You went back to his place when you'd only known him a day or two and slept with him. So who's using , l don't know. Maybe women should start carrying around a contract or somem so when they go jumping into bed with someone they don't even know bc they're lonely and horny and need cuddles too, just one second , sign this first will ya.

But anyway from here l'd call it a 50 50. He is still in contact for now it does seem to have a slow fade lean though butttt, that might be just life too, stuff , work and what have you too. You'll soon know over the next wk or so anyway bc if it gets less and less there's the answer.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 9, 2021 by chillii

[Speedyone]

Sooo, he texted me this morning.  Good morning and all that saying that he was sorry, that he'd already fallen asleep last night.  He said that he missed me, too and that he was free tonight.  I told him that i was free and that I'd text him when I got out of work and he said that he was looking forward to it.  I texted him when I got off, around 630 and so far nothing soooo...oh well

So, I'm taking most of you guys' advice.  If he texts me, he texts me.  If not, moving on.  Thanks guys.

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Speedyone said:

Sooo, he texted me this morning.  Good morning and all that saying that he was sorry, that he'd already fallen asleep last night.  He said that he missed me, too and that he was free tonight.  I told him that i was free and that I'd text him when I got out of work and he said that he was looking forward to it.  I texted him when I got off, around 630 and so far nothing soooo...oh well

So, I'm taking most of you guys' advice.  If he texts me, he texts me.  If not, moving on.  Thanks guys.

No, that is it. That's where you shut the door. He doesn't get a third shot, imo. 

That is now two opportunities to meet with you and twice in a row that something has come up or he hasn't followed through. Walk away from this and don't respond to any other texts or calls. I would not text or call this person again either. If he contacts you, don't respond. 

As a sidenote, you don't have to wreck your brain trying to guess why this didn't work out. Your time is precious. You both barely knew each other but it's very clear that whatever he is or whatever his lifestyle or choices, he is not organized enough or in the right place to date. 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Speedyone said:

Sooo, he texted me this morning.  Good morning and all that saying that he was sorry, that he'd already fallen asleep last night.  He said that he missed me, too and that he was free tonight.  I told him that i was free and that I'd text him when I got out of work and he said that he was looking forward to it.  I texted him when I got off, around 630 and so far nothing soooo...oh well

So, I'm taking most of you guys' advice.  If he texts me, he texts me.  If not, moving on.  Thanks guys.

or...he wanted an all day date with you, not an evening date that became a booty call....

[Speedyone]

3 hours ago, glows said:

No, that is it. That's where you shut the door. He doesn't get a third shot, imo. 

That is now two opportunities to meet with you and twice in a row that something has come up or he hasn't followed through. Walk away from this and don't respond to any other texts or calls. I would not text or call this person again either. If he contacts you, don't respond. 

As a sidenote, you don't have to wreck your brain trying to guess why this didn't work out. Your time is precious. You both barely knew each other but it's very clear that whatever he is or whatever his lifestyle or choices, he is not organized enough or in the right place to date. 

Yep...he's out.  Went and hung out with my kids and friends tonight and had a good time.  Thank you!  My time is precious and I've got plenty of people here who want to see me, so it's cool.

[Speedyone]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

or...he wanted an all day date with you, not an evening date that became a booty call....

Perhaps, but when he said he was free he just said that he was free tonight, not the whole day.  But it's fine.  Even while lonely, he didn't even text to cancel, I don't want to deal with that.  It's fine.  I'm not really emotionally invested in this, I wanted to know if I should stop before I became involved, so I'm glad this is happening now.  

[Phallacy]

You weren’t used even though you feel that way. 
The worst sex is sex with someone whose just going through the motions to keep me on the hook. It’s awful starfish sex with no passion. Mechanical.

He prolly got turned off.

Also, I can sniff a Rules girl by her behavior, which is often about rejecting a first suggestion for a date but open to a second suggestion with no counter offer on her part. Just the guy pawing her for attention. 
Meh. Belch. Pass!!!

[BC1980]

It doesn't sound promising, but it sounds like you've figured that out already. It's not really advisable to have sex on the second date. I'd say that's a mistake you might want to avoid in the future.