'Friends' with ex?

[FML22]

Hi all,

so my boyfriend asked me tonight to delete my ex EX from Facebook (TWO exes ago lol). He’s an ex from over 15 years ago that is part of my friend group. We have remained distant “friends” for years mainly through the group. I don’t talk to him .. he’s just an acquaintance really.. but we are “friends.” I would never cross the line or do anything disrespectful. I find my boyfriend’s request over the top and not necessary. It seems controlling. He said my ex is “stalking” him on FB and he’s “uncomfortable “ with us being FB friends. I love my boyfriend and want to make him happy but he tends to be insecure and a bit paranoid. I don’t want to be dramatic and start unfriending people I’ve been friends with for 30+ years because my boyfriend can’t handle it. I tried explaining this to my boyfriend and that he has nothing to worry about and he says I am choosing them over him and then I’m not honoring his feelings. I explained I’m not choosing “them” .. I’m choosing “me” and how I feel about the situation. He eradicates all photos and everything of exes... I’m not like that. It’s my past.. I don’t feel the need to eviscerate everything! 
 

The truth is, I really don’t care about my ex.. but I’m afraid to do as he asks because it seems controlling and excessive. I’m at a loss.. what should I do? 

[ExpatInItaly]

This is over-the-top to me. You dated 15 years ago. 

How long have you been with your boyfriend, and in which other ways has he been insecure and paranoid? How would he even know he's being "stalked" by this man on FB, are they Friends or something? Is this liking all his posts? Viewing his FB stories? (I am guess none of that is happening)

I would be very careful not to enable his insecurity and controlling behaviour. So no, I would not delete this person just to appease him. He can either learn to manage his irrational insecurity, or he can be single. If he wants a girlfriend who has zero connections to exes, well, he might need to find someone who shares those views. 

 

 

Edited May 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[KetchupIsGreat]

I don't blame your boyfriend. Being friends with an ex is a definite red flag. Once you break up, you wish the other person good luck and move on. Obviously, if the two have kids together, it's different, but in this case, since you don't, I don't fault your boyfriend. Ask yourself why do you care about having that ex in your life still? Is it wishful thinking that y'all were still together? You want to keep up with his life and see what's he up to? Want him to do the same? Want the attention of a man you know Is attracted to you? If it's really such a big deal to you, then let him know and maybe he's willing to get over it.

Edited May 8, 2021 by KetchupIsGreat
Adding info

[Sun Seeker]

I agree with your boyfriend. What reason do you have to still have an ex from 15 years ago on your friends list? When you break up with someone you take them out of your life, not keep a part of them in it, however small.

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

I agree with your boyfriend. What reason do you have to still have an ex from 15 years ago on your friends list? When you break up with someone you take them out of your life, not keep a part of them in it, however small.

The guy is attached to her friend group.  Is one expected to ditch their whole friend group so that they can remove an ex from their life?  

[Stupidkupid]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The guy is attached to her friend group.  Is one expected to ditch their whole friend group so that they can remove an ex from their life?  

It always surprises me how incesure some people in relationships can be.

If my partner was FB friends with a woman he had had a relationship with 15 years ago, by virtue of the fact that they have mutual acquaintences but they don't really chat or speak to each other, I don't have an issue with it.

In fact my partner infrequently chats to a woman that, by his own admission, he was madly in love with 20 years ago. She lives a very long way away, is happily married (when they do occassionally chat the husband is often involved) and I don't feel threatened by it. They knew each other when they were young, don't speak often and he's very open about it.

I don't want to control his communications and if I ever feel like I need to, I think there are serious problems in our relationship

[FML22]

37 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The guy is attached to her friend group.  Is one expected to ditch their whole friend group so that they can remove an ex from their life?  

That’s right, he’s part of my friend group. We have been friends longer than anything else..  for 30+ years.. dated for 2 years over 15+ years ago. I have other exes or people I’ve dated on my FB friend list. I don’t agree with the idea these people need to cease to exist like my boyfriend does. If something inappropriate was happening I could see removing him.. but it’s not. 

[Sun Seeker]

1 minute ago, FML22 said:

That’s right, he’s part of my friend group. We have been friends longer than anything else..  for 30+ years.. dated for 2 years over 15+ years ago. I have other exes or people I’ve dated on my FB friend list. I don’t agree with the idea these people need to cease to exist like my boyfriend does. If something inappropriate was happening I could see removing him.. but it’s not. 

Being friends with the opposite sex is a complete waste of time, especially those with romantic interests, so I'm not sure why you are keeping some guy you have known for 30 years who you dated 15 years ago, in your life.

If you don't agree to keep exes out of your life, like your boyfriend does, then that is your choice. Break up with him and let him find a better girlfriend who does not still live in the past.

[FML22]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is over-the-top to me. You dated 15 years ago. 

How long have you been with your boyfriend, and in which other ways has he been insecure and paranoid? How would he even know he's being "stalked" by this man on FB, are they Friends or something? Is this liking all his posts? Viewing his FB stories? (I am guess none of that is happening)

I would be very careful not to enable his insecurity and controlling behaviour. So no, I would not delete this person just to appease him. He can either learn to manage his irrational insecurity, or he can be single. If he wants a girlfriend who has zero connections to exes, well, he might need to find someone who shares those views. 

 

 

Exactly, I asked the same question.. how does he know he’s been “stalking “ him and he said cuz he came up as a “person you may know” therefore he’s been “stalking him” .. which I don’t think is the case. We’ve been together almost a year and He has had moments of insecurity since the beginning... he always assumes the worst and looks into things a lot. He tends to twist simple situations into signs that he “doesn’t matter.” We’ve been through a lot of this which is why I think it’s important I have boundaries.. as simple as this might seem it’s bigger to me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Punterxx said:

Being friends with the opposite sex is a complete waste of time, especially those with romantic interests, so I'm not sure why you are keeping some guy you have known for 30 years who you dated 15 years ago, in your life.

You realize not everybody shares your opinon, no?

[FML22]

1 minute ago, Punterxx said:

Being friends with the opposite sex is a complete waste of time, especially those with romantic interests, so I'm not sure why you are keeping some guy you have known for 30 years who you dated 15 years ago, in your life.

If you don't agree to keep exes out of your life, like your boyfriend does, then that is your choice. Break up with him and let him find a better girlfriend who does not still live in the past.

That’s ridiculous! Lol 

[FML22]

4 hours ago, KetchupIsGreat said:

I don't blame your boyfriend. Being friends with an ex is a definite red flag. Once you break up, you wish the other person good luck and move on. Obviously, if the two have kids together, it's different, but in this case, since you don't, I don't fault your boyfriend. Ask yourself why do you care about having that ex in your life still? Is it wishful thinking that y'all were still together? You want to keep up with his life and see what's he up to? Want him to do the same? Want the attention of a man you know Is attracted to you? If it's really such a big deal to you, then let him know and maybe he's willing to get over it.

No, absolutely none of that. He’s part of a large friend group I’ve had for 30+ years. We’ve been friends longer than we ever dated .. he’s TWO exes ago. He feels more like a long time friend than an “ex” to me. We don’t go for coffee and chat on the regular, but when I see him out we will say hello! 

[lana-banana]

47 minutes ago, FML22 said:

Exactly, I asked the same question.. how does he know he’s been “stalking “ him and he said cuz he came up as a “person you may know” therefore he’s been “stalking him” .. which I don’t think is the case. We’ve been together almost a year and He has had moments of insecurity since the beginning... he always assumes the worst and looks into things a lot. He tends to twist simple situations into signs that he “doesn’t matter.” We’ve been through a lot of this which is why I think it’s important I have boundaries.. as simple as this might seem it’s bigger to me. 

While it can mean someone is repeatedly searching for you, it is far more likely to be a reflection of your having mutual friends, and in and of itself it means nothing. This is ridiculous insecurity on his part, especially with nothing else to go on. I would have a conversation about boundaries but also be open to re-evaluating whether this type of relationship is what you want. No amount of reassurance and gestures will help heal this guy's emotional problems. He has to figure it out for himself.

[d0nnivain]

Your BF is over the top in this circumstance.  The EX is not stalking your BF.  Assuming you & your BF have 1-2 other people in common, FB's algorithm  decided that there is enough overlap to suggest your EX as another common person.  Show your BF that somebody else he's friends with who you don't know showed up as somebody you may know.  

If your only point of contact is through FB & because you have other people in common over the course of 30 years knowing each other, it's OK to remain connected in that limited way.  If your BF is overly concerned about this through no actions of yours, he may be too insecure & immature to continue dating.  

[smackie9]

Some people have insecurities about certain things and others don't. This could be workable if you hear him out, but he needs to hear you out too, then have a few discussions about it...make sure you acknowledge his feelings. IMO I don't think it's inappropriate for you or anyone to be friends with an ex from 15 years ago. Relationships can and do evolve to friendships over time. I have one ex I'm still in occasional contact with and my husband has an ex on his social media who is connected to a long time social circle....I have np with that at all.....everyone is grown up and moved on from that time.

I agree acceptance is a sign of maturity....and your BF may not have that.

[glows]

3 hours ago, FML22 said:

Exactly, I asked the same question.. how does he know he’s been “stalking “ him and he said cuz he came up as a “person you may know” therefore he’s been “stalking him” .. which I don’t think is the case. We’ve been together almost a year and He has had moments of insecurity since the beginning... he always assumes the worst and looks into things a lot. He tends to twist simple situations into signs that he “doesn’t matter.” We’ve been through a lot of this which is why I think it’s important I have boundaries.. as simple as this might seem it’s bigger to me. 

The main issue isn't the ex.. it's that you feel it's controlling and he has a negative outlook. 

If someone is manipulative or tends to look on the negative side, I would reconsider the relationship. You're only now seeing a more full version of his character. The first two to three years are the honeymoon period so it's good that you're seeing this early on.

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, FML22 said:

We’ve been together almost a year and He has had moments of insecurity since the beginning... he always assumes the worst and looks into things a lot. He tends to twist simple situations into signs that he “doesn’t matter.” We’ve been through a lot of this which is why I think it’s important I have boundaries.. as simple as this might seem it’s bigger to me. 

This is an issue of low self worth/esteem. Possibly, it stems from childhood...unsupportive /critical/neglectful parents or other trauma. This is not fixable by getting rid of ex bfs off social media or any change on your part. He needs therapy. If he won't own it that he has a problem, punt him to the curb.

Edited May 8, 2021 by smackie9

[ShyViolet]

Your boyfriend is being controlling and you should not tolerate it.  He has no right to dictate who you are friends with on facebook.  Especially since it's obvious there is nothing going on between you and your ex.  Don't enable your boyfriend's controlling behavior or else he will just find other things to be controlling about.

I am still friends with most of my exes on social media, and no there is absolutely nothing going on between me and them, I don't even actually talk to them.  I'm just still friends with them on there because I wish them no ill will and I'm curious to see how they are doing from time to time.  If I had a current boyfriend who demanded that I unfriend them, I would be showing that boyfriend the door, because I don't tolerate controlling behavior.  It's pathetic.

[Beachead]

FML22,

I think issues like this are why people should part ways after a break up and keep it that way as it just puts unneccessary risk and stress into future relationships.   Forces the person on the receiving end of the situation into an undesirable position of having to "understand" why some former lover is in your life.  You may not care about it but he does and just because you find that ridiculous, doesn't mean he's wrong for how he feels.  It's not unheard of and uncommon for people to homewreck, cheat and/or leave relationships for their exes.  It does happen regularly.   If you care about him and your relationship, you may want to acknowledge that these things do happen and try to understand where he is coming from before you dismiss him as "Over the Top" or "Insecure."   Otherwise,  you could lose what you have, over some insignificant ex you dated a long time ago.  

I understand the above common consensus but I think it'd do you well consider all perspectives, for a more balanced view.  They may not be what you want to hear but they're just as important as people do feel that way.

- Beach

Edited May 8, 2021 by Beachead

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, FML22 said:

He said my ex is “stalking” him on FB and he’s “uncomfortable “ with us being FB friends.

Is there any truth to this? Has your boyfriend shown you proof of this?  Have you asked him to show you evidence?  Have you asked your ex if he's looking at your boyfriend's profile excessively?

17 hours ago, FML22 said:

He eradicates all photos and everything of exes... I’m not like that.

Then you and he are incompatible on a fundamental level.  This isn't going to go the distance if compromise cannot be reached on this. 

Quote

I don’t want to be dramatic and start unfriending people I’ve been friends with for 30+ years because my boyfriend can’t handle it.

I’m choosing “me”

I don’t feel the need to eviscerate everything

You and your boyfriend do not see eye to eye on this.  His psychological issues aren't going to go away, so maybe you two need to part ways.  He can go be him and you can go be you til the cows come home.

Edited May 8, 2021 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

As per your last thread your boyfriend of only a few months, is a controle freak. You need to break that relationship and find yourself a boyfriend with a healthy mind set. 

You are heading into a very dangerous path with this man. Abuse starts with them trying to control where we are, why we're late, with who we are, who we have for friends and isolating us from those friends, and your boyfriend has ALL of those aspects found in abuser. 

I urge you to break up. These men don't change, they only get more abusive and controling. 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/8/2021 at 1:11 AM, FML22 said:

my boyfriend asked me tonight to delete my ex EX from Facebook

How long have you been dating? Your BF seems like an insecure control freak and someone you need to step back from.

Seriously reconsider being with someone like this.

This isn't about friends and exes it's about the current BF has a lot of red flags to consider. Do not acquiesce to this extortion.

Rather than allow this Bf to isolate and control you, consider delete and blocking him, not t your friends or family, etc.

[Blind-Sided]

If it's a BF of only a few months... then he's insecure.   But... if you have been dating for a while... and he has a real reason for you not to follow an ex... then he may have a gut feeling that will never go away.  Then in that case... who of the two guys are more important to you?  Your BF... or an ex?   If you truly don't care about the ex... then block him.