I cheated on my perfect husband. Is there any chance of reconciliation .

[Stret]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whenever you are served a summons from the courts you need to find an attorney asap. You are being sued for divorce. Your husband is the plaintiff, you are the defendant. It's already filed with the courts, so if you don't sign, he'll win everything by default.

Laws are not the same in each country - keep that in mind. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Edith is long time BS, of the "My husband has been cheating for 10 years with various women and I'm just going to monitor his behaviour obsessively as, providing hes not emotionally involved, its all good" fame

It’s interesting that her comments read to an unfamiliar reader as the the justification of a wayward spouse... that says a lot!

Edited May 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[HappilyMarried]

18 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

Things got messy  I was more angry than sad about my affair being discovered. The fog hadn't ended and I still desired for more form my lover.

 

18 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

My affair fog ended when I found out ,  that my lover and me  couldn't be together in any kind of relationship or marriage. It wasn't a complete rejection. He was open to have a casual dating . Nothing more, nothing less. It was a shell shock for me . I was used as a material for sex.

 

18 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

I then decided that I wanted to salvage my marriage .

Your husband probably knows the same thing. He now knows several things and that is why he doesn't even want to talk or be in the same room with you. A) He now knows why you went over two years not allowing him to have sex with you, because you were getting all you wanted or needed from your lover. B) He also knows or feels that the only reason you want to R is because your lover does not want to do anything with your or for you expect sex. C) He probably realizes that you never showed true love or remorse for what you have done to him and your marriage.

The best thing is for you to do is sign the papers try and get your life in order and do the best job you can with raising your son. Best of luck!

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, the problem here is you have NO IDEA why you had the affair.

Until you can spell out, with clear, precise, thorough reasons for why you had the affair, then you are not ready to resume marriage.

Point two, your husband was NOT perfect. No one is. And in fact, calling him "perfect" probably is connected to why you had an affair. I was once a perfect man for a woman who just did not have strong attraction to me.

You sorta fudge the issue here, but I'm guessing you're not very attracted to  your husband. You describe him like one would describe a prince in a fairy tale. I'm not buying it. Or let me put it like this: just because he's a prince doesn't mean your marriage is great. 

People are often NOT grateful when others rescue them, and that's the way your describe your husband's role in your life, as a rescuer. People actually go deeper into the relationship by giving more. What did you give him?! Answer that question and you begin to get on track at figuring things out.

 

[MsJayne]

Your post actually made me angry.  I'd kiss your marriage goodbye. You show zero self awareness, zero empathy for your husband and sons, and don't seem to understand just how despicably you treated your husband. You don't actually seem at all concerned with how your treachery and self-absorption will affect your sons perception of women, or seem at all concerned with anything other than yourself. Your self-recriminations sound hollow and you appear to be more concerned with trying to reinstate your former wife status than having a good hard think about how your actions have affected everyone around you, not least your own children - they clearly don't mean much to you. Other people have feelings and you don't seem aware of that. My advice to your husband would be, "serve the divorce papers now and slam the door in her face." I'd say different if you seemed genuinely remorseful, but it's all about you.  Your ex-colleague obviously had an axe to grind with you - maybe they find people who get it on in the stationery closet offensive? 

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by MsJayne

[Blind-Sided]

14 hours ago, edith said:

Honey, everyone on this forum is going to bash you. I will not.

If your husband actually had been perfect, you wouldn’t have cheated.

Let that sink in.

That's the craziest thing I've heard. That's like saying... if water was good... you wouldn't have become an alcoholic.  People cheat because it's a high for them.  Being married and "Living Life" can be boring.  Heck... even tonight... the weather was bad, I was waiting for my kids to come home... and I apologized to my GF because we weren't doing anything. (other than making dinner, and hanging out) 

OP... as other's have said... divorce him.  He doesn't want you any longer. You treated him poorly... and he is building a new life. 

[MsJayne]

15 hours ago, edith said:

I have been cheated on by my husband relentlessly, but I also know that if I were enough for him, he wouldn’t cheat.

I just have to comment on this post - are you serious? I can imagine your husband standing in the local bar with a bunch of his buddies, all of them wetting themselves laughing at your expense. Staying for the kids? Why, so they can learn how to accept being treated with complete disrespect? You don't stay for the kids, you stay because you have very low self esteem and that's very sad.  Also, telling the OP the truth is not "bashing", it's just telling the truth. 

[Caauug]

On 5/9/2021 at 1:04 PM, AmeliaCrotine said:

I was married to one of the best man I could dream of . He was kind , caring and compassionate... He was dedicated to his work and he was smart in his own ways. My Husband is nothing less than a savior to me... He was nothing less than a prince to my miserable fairly tail . He gave me all I wanted.

You said: "He gave me all I wanted" not "He was everything I wanted"... He gave you all he had, there was nothing left for you to stay with him for. Yes, this was his fault or weakness.... Briffault's Law applies and you went looking for more. The branch swing was not successful, "Plan A" failure, "Plan B" stay with H until another "Plan A" can be found is also failure as H doesn't was spoiled goods. And why would he???

OM: Why would I would I want to buy a cow for milk, when I can use someone else's?

Human Nature what a wonderful thing!!!

[Caauug]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Men tend not to be very tolerant of cheating wives, as evidenced here. Women tend to be much more likely to make excuses to stay and more willing to tolerate the disrespect of their cheating spouse... 

For a man: I think this comes down to who sired the children? A lot of men don't want to put in years of resources raising someone else's children under false pretenses. DNA tests has helped in some countries, not all. That could be everything he has ever worked for, and maybe for generations, as in a business, farm, or hard earned assets.

For a woman: The man's resources may be divided to support all sired children, never 100% totally lost and mostly not under false pretenses... W: Honey where is the other half of your pay going??? Kinda hard to hide that...

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

People are often NOT grateful when others rescue them, and that's the way your describe your husband's role in your life, as a rescuer.

The rescuer is often not only not appreciated but often actually hated or despised.
The obvious reaction would be seen as one of thanks and gratitude, but people do not like to be beholden to another.
They rebel against the idea that they are bad and the rescuer is the good guy...  they hate the fact that they needed rescued.
Affairs are often the result of seeking retribution or revenge on the BS.
What better way to take out any resentment on the rescuer, than to withhold sex/intimacy and to have an affair.
With a bit of luck the rescuer can be left in the dust... she doesn't need him any more.

Now rejected by the AP, she is left alone again. 
What can she do ?
Where can she go?
Who can she turn to?
Answer
Who better to rescue her again than a guy who is a proven rescuer and the father of her kids?
Here he seems reluctant, he has moved on, he wants a divorce, but "love" can be a strange thing...

[Uruktopi]

The betrayed husband was not perfect. Right.

His main fault, the only significative one related to being betrayed (besides other secondary ones that we humans may have) was that he was not the man she choosed.

He was not "him", her lover.

But he was only who he was (Bad luck, isn´t it?). Nothing that could be replaced with his care, love, loyalty.

Almost the same as saying that he, the husband, was not a man she was in love with or even attracted to.

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Uruktopi

[elaine567]

...duplicate...

Edited May 10, 2021 by elaine567

[Sungrl841]

OP the first thing you should do is not come here looking for advice. 

This place is full of people who are either still angry at their exes for cheating. Or still mad at their spouse/SO who they have supposedly forgiven but truly not. All they will do is project their own pain and anger on to you. 

Seek a therapist, ASAP. 

Second, your H. is not perfect. And your Marriage was not perfect. No person or marriage ever is. You talk about him as if he is some knight coming to rescue you in this fairy tale land. And guess what reality hit. It is not a fairy tale it is real life, and he cannot possibly rescue you from the mess that was your life before him. He sounds like a good man who did not deserve what happened. But not perfect. And never ever regardless of what you did would it be ok for him to hit you. You are not less than. 

Next, you should grant him the divorce because it is what he wants. We cannot force people to forgive us or accept us. Maybe in time but that is not for you to figure out. What is yours to figure out is what you think you need rescuing from? Why if your life was "perfect" did you feel the need to do what you did. Work on reconciling with your children, and work on reconciling with yourself. Somewhere out there is the love and acceptance you are looking for. But it has to come from self. And you will never be able to have a healthy relationship of any sort if you look for it from someone else and put people up on pedestals. 

 

[Mrin]

Quick take. 

1) give him the divorce

2) continue to work on yourself

3) live the best life you can

[Highndry]

This marriage is D-E-A-D dead. You killed it. Absolutely finished it off. It's time for you to move onto a new victim, cause your husband is through with you.

[Warpspeed170]

I have been around divorce for a long time. This marriage is over. You will be exactly as your ex said, used goods. I do not see a future as a married woman for you. I have dealt with divorce in your country. The women rarely come out good. Your only ace in the hole is that you married an American, and Japan is notoriously insular, so you may make out well legally. Your eldest is gone. Your youngest may forgive you after some time when he gets older. Sorry, but my assessment is that you rolled the dice, acted foolishly and now will pay a price for the rest of your life.

 

[pepperbird2]

On 5/9/2021 at 8:30 AM, edith said:

Honey, everyone on this forum is going to bash you. I will not.

If your husband actually had been perfect, you wouldn’t have cheated.

Let that sink in.

Most people on here have been cheated on, myself included, but I understand that cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. You are giving your husband way too much credit. Yes, you made a mistake, but you need to get over the idea that he was perfect. Perfect men don’t get cheated on. I don’t doubt that he was supportive, that he loved you, that he valued your family. But that wasn’t enough for you. AND THAT IS FINE. You wanted more, and you took more from someone who could give it. Your husband could not.

I have been cheated on by my husband relentlessly, but I also know that if I were enough for him, he wouldn’t cheat. I am staying with him for our kids, but not once have I entertained any ideas about my own perfection.

Pick yourself up. Love yourself despite your mistake. Get yourself a makeover, make new friends, meet someone other than your OM to help you feel desirable again, then sign the damn papers.

A perfect husband would have forgiven you.

Many people,  myself included, view cheating as a form of abuse. Would you say to a man who is being hit by his wife that it's his fault? that she wouldn't do it if he didn't deserve it? That he was asking for it?
 

[pepperbird2]

op,

gently, if you love your husband, try putting yourself in his place. How would you feel?

yes, you screwed up, Big time. That doesn't make you evil incarnate or a lost cause, but it does mean your husband may well feel like he can never, ever trust you again. If you really love him, allow the divorce to proceed and work on yourself. Get some therapy or other help to sort through all the trauma and upheaval you've been through. Get yourself to good place mentally.

[usa1ah]

You destroyed your marriage and broke your family up. You then went after your affair partner when your husband found out. Only going back to your husband when your AP didn’t want a real relationship with you. 
 

Why would you think your husband would ever take you back. You showed him by your actions he was plan B. You would be with your affair partner now if he would have taken you. 
 

Do the only decent thing you can, sign the divorce papers. 

[Zona]

On 5/9/2021 at 4:30 AM, edith said:

If your husband actually had been perfect, you wouldn’t have cheated.

Let that sink in.

A perfect husband would have forgiven you.

Perfect people don't exist. Perfect marriages don't exist. If a husband has to be perfect to have a faithful wife, then no man would ever have a faithful wife. Same goes for women having to be perfect to get a faithful husband.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Amelia, you have received varied opinions from people, most of which are authentic and relevant to your case. I wanted to ask you if you are also from the US. or from another country. If different, it may explain why, due to cultural differences, you found yourself at sixes and sevens with your husband inspite of his being the perfect person, as per your own description, as your husband leading to your cheating on him. Also the fact that your affair ESS s long drawn out one of about 4 years, makes it a very difficult case for reconciliation for your husband. Sadly, human relations are not like computer operating systems where one can go back yo the last good setting and restart all over again. What is done is done and one has to work from there. Your husband wants a clean start, get a new computer and program it the way he wants to. The new computer is a new relationship with a fresh new person. You do not fit into his plans and the sooner you come to terms with this fact, the better for you. 

Please sign the divorce papers and let your husband move on. How long were you two married? I'm guessing at least 18 years considering your elder son is in University. That was a long time to be married and you should have bonded well with your husband in that period of time. However, there is no point in crying over spilt milk but to show the resolve to move on with your life on your own. Warm wishes.

[colingrant]

I was cheated on over twenty years ago, but happily married since so no chip on shoulder here. When I was cheated on, I was insulted that my fiancé even wanted to reconcile with me. My thinking is she already told me she cheated so why possibly would I be foolish enough to give her a chance to do so again. I was not flattered she pursued me heavily, I was appalled because in my thinking she's saying "I have a fool here and I'm not going to let him go". I realize my thinking is a little out there but it's possible your husband is insulted you'd want him to take you back after he got a fraction of the sex and love given to your AP. He would have a hard time looking himself in the mirror. 

[Negotaurus]

On 5/11/2021 at 8:50 AM, Sungrl841 said:

This place is full of people who are either still angry at their exes for cheating. Or still mad at their spouse/SO who they have supposedly forgiven but truly not. All they will do is project their own pain and anger on to you. 

 

I saw tons of excellent advice here and hard truths. No need to call people "angry" for not condoning utterly selfish behaviour. For whatever reason, you are bitter yourself against the posters here. 

[vla1120]

On 5/9/2021 at 7:30 AM, edith said:

Honey, everyone on this forum is going to bash you. I will not.

If your husband actually had been perfect, you wouldn’t have cheated.

Let that sink in.

Most people on here have been cheated on, myself included, but I understand that cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. You are giving your husband way too much credit. Yes, you made a mistake, but you need to get over the idea that he was perfect. Perfect men don’t get cheated on. I don’t doubt that he was supportive, that he loved you, that he valued your family. But that wasn’t enough for you. AND THAT IS FINE. You wanted more, and you took more from someone who could give it. Your husband could not.

I have been cheated on by my husband relentlessly, but I also know that if I were enough for him, he wouldn’t cheat. I am staying with him for our kids, but not once have I entertained any ideas about my own perfection.

Pick yourself up. Love yourself despite your mistake. Get yourself a makeover, make new friends, meet someone other than your OM to help you feel desirable again, then sign the damn papers.

A perfect husband would have forgiven you.

I've been reading quite a bit out on these forums about perceived "bashing", lately. I don't think people were necessarily "bashing" her, perhaps just bringing to her attention that her thought process is a bit selfish right now.

I'm more disenheartened at this thought that it's FINE to cheat on your spouse if he/she wasn't enough for you. Nope. Instead of victim-blaming, own your actions. If you're not happy with your marriage, get a divorce and let your spouse find happiness with someone who will be faithful to them. There's never a valid reason to cheat.

[Indigo Night]

You took what you wanted with your affair. Now it's time to pay the price. Sign the subject papers, and let your husband heal from your infidelity. He didn't have to take you back, and give you a chance. Get on with your life, and let him get in with his.