do you ever hate your mother?

[Stret]

My mother has not been a good one when I was growing up. She was always angry, throwing her anger and frustrations on me. She has physically and mentally abused me. She would be good to me only when everything in her life was the way she wanted and when she was happy. But it was not that unusual back then in the country where we lived that kids are beaten. She has apologized and accepted she made mistakes when I was in my 30s (I'm 42 now). But still sometimes she adopts behaviours that are selfish and completely without regard to my feelings. Those are the moments where everything comes back to me, and I hate her with passion. Like the other day I was telling her I feel alone and would like her to come sit and talk to me a bit. but she kept watering grass like I didn't exist. I repeated that and she still continued with grass.

I must mention that I love her too, very much. But the hate is sometimes unbearable. 

Can anyone relate? Do you ever genuinely hate your mother? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Stret said:

 the other day I was telling her I feel alone and would like her to come sit and talk to me a bit. but she kept watering grass like I didn't exist.

Sorry to hear this. Do you live together? How old is she? Could she be hard of hearing or have cognitive deficits?

 It would be best not to ask emotional support from someone who you state was abusive.

Instead a therapist could help you  unpack and sort some things out including better boundaries and realizing that people are broken, even if they happen to be parents.

[Stret]

No, we don't live together but we live nearby. Abusiveness towards kids, as I might have mentioned, was tolerated in the society were I lived. Yet, most parents were not abusive. My mom was the youngest of four children. She was raised as the little one of the family to whom things were given and she was taking them and was worthy of everything. That is how people develop narcissistic traits. 

No, there is no problem with her cognitive functions or her hearing. She is just not the most caring parent. But I must say that she always cooks for me when she knows I am too busy to eat properly, and she has her good sides. It is just that often she is too disinterested in my life and me, or at least it seems so. It is hard to hear any praise from her and she is too focused on negative and criticising. She has developed a stress induced gastritis, because she cannot bloody relax and enjoy her life. She has to observe all that me and step dad are doing and then tell us how we should be doing it, ask questions of the kind: why are you doing it like that, why not this way... etc. She always has to get her way. This wore me out over the years and I get very short with her, tell her basically to pis* off and leave me to do things my way. We then don't talk for a few days and everything is back to normal. 

We tried therapy and she didn't like the therapist (neither did I) and we quit. She has to stop being the control freak, for her own sake and for the sake of her family and our collective happiness and health. She is 66 btw. 

[d0nnivain]

My mother was an alcoholic.  As a teenager, when we clashed I hated her.  

As I got older I began to realize that her life was way more F'd up then mine & her mother, my grandmother, was such a nightmare that my alcoholic mother was a picnic by comparison.  I grew up & learned compassion. 

At the point you are 42,  What ever happened when you were growing up has been over for a long time.  You are an adult now.  Just be done with her.  At this point she may be deserving of your pity but at the very least recognize you are in the driver's seat.  

[hotpotato]

Yes, not every mother us nurturing. At this point she may never genuinely change. She may be nice then be mean in cycles. That's like being in anabusive relationship. You ca them out, they'll be on their best behavior for awhile and then slip back into their old ways.

[Woggle]

I have learned to forgive her because even though what she did was horrible I know she was a sick and brainwashed person.

[giotto]

My mother was ice cold when I grew up. She was incredibly anxious, but she worked full time, she run the household and looked after 3 kids. So, yes, I understand when occasionally she lost it and beat me up... but I wanted love and cuddles, not anger and stupid discipline. My dad was even worse, since he was very volatile and very violent. 
Do I hate my mother? I'm not sure, but I don't love her. I appreciate what she did for me, even if she went about it the wrong way. But I have to confess something awful... will I be sad when she dies? A bit, but the relief will be immense, the same way I felt an enormous relief when my dad died 4 years ago. Sad, but true.   

Edited May 13, 2021 by giotto

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, giotto said:

, I understand when occasionally she lost it and beat me up... 

There is no justification for beating a child ever.  Understanding why she snapped & lost her temper, Fine, everybody's human.  But beating you is a bridge too far.  

My heart bleeds for you but thank you for sharing your perspective.  It's an important one to understand.  

[Woggle]

My mother had a horrible and abusive father and instead of getting help herself to heal she fell in with a bunch of radicals who brainwashed her into becoming a monster. My father and I became the target of all that rage when she was encouraged to embrace her anger. She is a cautionary tale of what a person becomes when they let unaddressed trauma and hate consume them.

[giotto]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

There is no justification for beating a child ever.  Understanding why she snapped & lost her temper, Fine, everybody's human.  But beating you is a bridge too far.  

My heart bleeds for you but thank you for sharing your perspective.  It's an important one to understand.  

I guess the reason I said I understand that she lost it occasionally is because, in comparison to the serial beater my father was, she was almost human... I was terrified of my father.

Edited May 13, 2021 by giotto

[d0nnivain]

You poor thing.   

Congratulations on surviving all that.  It made you stronger but nobody should have to do through that.  

[giotto]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You poor thing.   

Congratulations on surviving all that.  It made you stronger but nobody should have to do through that.  

I guess it's been character building... 🙂

[Stret]

On 5/10/2021 at 1:12 AM, d0nnivain said:

My mother was an alcoholic.  As a teenager, when we clashed I hated her.  

As I got older I began to realize that her life was way more F'd up then mine & her mother, my grandmother, was such a nightmare that my alcoholic mother was a picnic by comparison.  I grew up & learned compassion. 

At the point you are 42,  What ever happened when you were growing up has been over for a long time.  You are an adult now.  Just be done with her.  At this point she may be deserving of your pity but at the very least recognize you are in the driver's seat.  

Of course that is the first thing I would like to do, but there is a lot I'm omitting from the story. "Just be done with her" - if you meant be done with the only family member I have in my life that cannot happen. As I mentioned, I love my mother for whatever reason. Be done with her in the sense forget everything that happened and move on with your relationship - I'd love to do that but it is not possible when reminders happen all the time. Being abused is not something you can easily forget and when you do, you do not need any reminders that will rip the wound open again and again. 
My mother's life was not bad so that I can use that excuse for her.

She did not just beat me. She beat me by kicking me out to the balcony so that all kids in the neighbourhood can see, while I begged her not to. She kicked me in the behind once with her foot, so I flew like I was a football - also in front of all kids. Why? Because she could not find me and thought I was lost. One she had her hand on the back of my neck, squeezing me, when we were walking through the town and she told me: you see, now everyone thinks I am hugging you and I am actually strangling you. She called me whore, cow, dirty, etc when I was a little girl. I shivered each day when she would come home from work, not knowing what is going to walk through the door and if I will be screamed at and beaten, or if I will be met with smile and presents. She didn't need a reason - if she got angry at work, she will come home and find a reason to beat me up and throw all her anger onto me. The shivering in my chests that I felt back then never left me and that is how my body reacts now to different situations. I never had any comfort or advice from my mother. Father was absent and drinking. He would sometimes come back home late in the evening and she would start provoking him, and he would beat her up. For me that meant no sleep. I would jump out of bed, with terror, and go to protect mum physically. Once I took a knife and screamed at my dad: I have a knife! so that he would leave her alone. Neither gave a s*** what they were doing to me and my mental health. 

Today, mum cannot beat me up. Cannot call me names. But she finds a way to provoke and provoke, and try to control... And she treats my wonderful stepdad like dirt sometimes, which makes me furious. She shouts at him in front of people for not earing the right kind of trousers for church or something like that. Just because she does some nice things sometimes, she thinks she can do whatever she wants in the meanwhile. She is the youngest of 4 kids, and everything was always given to her and she was just taking and feeling worthy of all of it. Today, she acts like a spoilt child. She has no nerves and no understanding for anyone else but herself. When she is forced to understand, then she doesn't feel comfortable. Every story I start telling is quickly replaced by a story of herself and her own experiences. She is not interested in my life. When I mention all of this, she denies. She is living in denial. Sometimes she says something and 10 seconds later says she didn't say it. My stepdad copes with it by just smiling, or putting his head down like a beaten dog. 

I read somewhere that a narcissistic mother will buy you a chocolate cake even though she knows you are allergic to chocolate. She wills how up with the cake and pretend like nothing is happening. My mother knows I don't like putting cream in my food. She always offers it to me, or just puts it in my food without my approval. Once I didn't eat because she put cream in my soup. "But it tastes much better that way"! I told her many times, don't please, don't, I don't eat it. A couple of nights ago, she was giving me some food (the only way she can show she is a mother and she cares is through her £$%^** food), and told me "Would you like some cream? Or do you have some at home, you can put it yourself". I wanted to shove the food into her face and leave. Instead, I told her - that is exactly what a narcissistic mother would say.  And I left. There is always tension and I don't like seeing her any more. I loved her more than life itself, she conditioned me to love her and put her needs ahead of my own. This caused me to be attracted to selfish men, who didn't care much about my needs, and I was trying to show them how good I was and hoping they would somehow see that and love me. It is a power knowing that all of this is a consequence of having a bad mother. 

If I showed her this thread, she would fall into desperation, would get ill immediately and make sure it appears that it is my fault. She wouldn't say it but would lie in the bed for days, unable to get up. Until I start feeling sorry for her and pick her up. I cannot do this any more. You want to die mother? Then die. 

But there is a catch - I am alone in the world, with absolutely no family and she is my family. She probably loves me in her own way. I have been moving from one country to another because I have an amazing career and am well educated. When I was studying and had no money for proper food or pair of winter gloves, I was still sending money to my mother every month. Even though she lived at home and in her own country and I lived abroad, alone. Many times I suspect that mother only apologized to me for my crap*y childhood and for being a bad mother just because I give her a lot of money so she can have a comfortable life. I told her that she shouldn't repeat her mistakes. But she does. It is not the same mistakes but she finds a way to get to me and loves to see that she can control me. I am so furious with myself for not being emotionally built so to just not let her get to me. But mum is a control freak. It starts from home and requiring everyone to tip toe around the house not to mess up perfectly clean floors, etc. Then she is the one that decides on everything, or at least tries to. In the past two three years, I started snapping at her and doing whatever I would normally do. Every time she opens her mouth something controlling comes out it. "Why didn't you do it this way, why did you do it that way"? "I did tell you that if you do that, this would happen, and look - it did" - she loves to rub it in. God, I wish I had a caring and kind mother. 

Sorry for rant. I don't tell this to people. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

My mother was not nearly as bad as yours. I'll give you that. What she did to you was criminal.  Have you had therapy to  deal with it?  It helps because there is a whole lot of conflict inherent in hating one's mother.  

At the end of her life I cared for my mom in the sense that I kept her safe by hiring appropriate caregivers & making sure nobody took advantage of her.  I tried really hard not to care about what she thought or felt & to follow my own path.  When she died I too was all alone in the world.  That part is no fun.  

By be done with her I guess I mean stop caring.  It's what I did, not perfectly because of course she could still push my buttons but I'd try to take a deep breath & say to myself she's F'd up & abusive but she's still my mother so I am obligated to care for her.  After she died many people told me they were shocked that I put up with hoe she treated me.  

You have to stop letting her get to you.  You take the soup & you tell her you will eat it later.  You don't carry on about her narcissism.  You can't win that fight so don't bother having it again.  If she gives you soup with cream in it, don't eat it.  Pour it out or give it away.   My mother did all sorts of things trying to control me.  Once she paid a contractor to cut down a tree on my property.  I explained to her that was criminal & I would have her prosecuted if she did it again.   But she constantly sent me things & clothing that were her taste, not mine.  I just gave the stuff away.  There was no point in starting world war III over stuff that wasn't going to change.   

[Stret]

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

My mother was not nearly as bad as yours. I'll give you that. What she did to you was criminal.  Have you had therapy to  deal with it?  It helps because there is a whole lot of conflict inherent in hating one's mother.  

At the end of her life I cared for my mom in the sense that I kept her safe by hiring appropriate caregivers & making sure nobody took advantage of her.  I tried really hard not to care about what she thought or felt & to follow my own path.  When she died I too was all alone in the world.  That part is no fun.  

By be done with her I guess I mean stop caring.  It's what I did, not perfectly because of course she could still push my buttons but I'd try to take a deep breath & say to myself she's F'd up & abusive but she's still my mother so I am obligated to care for her.  After she died many people told me they were shocked that I put up with hoe she treated me.  

You have to stop letting her get to you.  You take the soup & you tell her you will eat it later.  You don't carry on about her narcissism.  You can't win that fight so don't bother having it again.  If she gives you soup with cream in it, don't eat it.  Pour it out or give it away.   My mother did all sorts of things trying to control me.  Once she paid a contractor to cut down a tree on my property.  I explained to her that was criminal & I would have her prosecuted if she did it again.   But she constantly sent me things & clothing that were her taste, not mine.  I just gave the stuff away.  There was no point in starting world war III over stuff that wasn't going to change.   

Sorry - you seem to have gone through a fair share of pain yourself. You also seem to have dealt with it well. I wish I had your mental make up to be able to do just that - not care. But I don't. I am very caring and compassionate, which is why it was very easy for her and many other people in my life, to manipulate me. Anyway, when I figured her out all I felt was pain. Pain that I don't really have a mother that most people do. Pain for that little girl, me in the past, that was raised in the way she was. I wish I could go back and hug her and tell her she is a lovely and nice child, not a cow and definitely not a whore. I was 10 or 11. How could anyone treat her child that way? How? She is telling me how much she loves me, and how I am the best daughter, etc - probably just because she heard other people talk to their daughters that way and she is mimicking or she just wants to keep the money coming in. She mimics me the way I talk to animals. It is so fake watching her repeat my moves and words to dogs. She doesn't really like animals, but now that she cannot control me, I gather stray animals in my house and backyard and find them good homes. So she is trying to appear supportive, but in reality there are always little nasty comments about how a dog is going to ruin the plants, how he is dirtying up the house, etc. I guess I was gathering animals since early childhood because I recognized and identified myself in them. Abandoned, alone, unloved, shouted at... then I try to give them warm home, pets, love, and everything I didn't have. I never even thought of having my own children, probably because I didn't have a good experience being a child. My mother ruined me in so many ways. Men I chose were all wrong for me - all selfish and one day nice, the other day cold. Like her.  

[d0nnivain]

Get some therapy.  I didn't get to where I am by myself.  All the insights I have didn't just show up in my life.  I did the hard, emotionally painful work of going through all this with a therapist to figure it out.  It was only through therapy that I learned I have value.  

My mother did an emotional number on my.  In the 6th grade I was caught by a teacher trying to kill myself in the girls' bathroom because I got a 95 on a test & was terrified to go home because I knew the verbal barrage that was coming -- hours of being screamed at that I was stupid & a worthless failure because I did not get 100.   My mother refused to attend my HS graduation because I was # 3 in my class; the 2 boys ahead of me got better grades in gym class.  I kid you not.  That is what separated us.  Still my mother was "humiliated" because I was so stupid & such a disappointment.  

But all of that was her world view.  By the time I got to college & got out from under her thumb to some extent, I got better.  Then I decided to take control of my life.  IMO even if your parents damage you in childhood, at some point by adulthood it's not their fault any more because you have to find it within yourself to fix the harm they caused & rise above them.  Again, I got some clarity when I recognized what an ogre my grandmother was.  That helped me understand why my mother was so F'd up.  

Try using mom as a litmus test.  If she likes him he must be dirt but if she thinks he's a problem he's probably a good guy.  You need to learn to break the lousy patterns she formed in you.   

[mark clemson]

Certainly not hate, but mine can be irritating and frustrating at times. Still, she won't be around forever (she is in her 80s), so I appreciate the time I do have with her and "take the rough with the smooth" WRT her quirks.

Edited May 13, 2021 by mark clemson

[d0nnivain]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 mine can be irritating and frustrating at times.

Irritating & frustrating are a far cry from physically kicking you like a football, which is what happened to the OP. 

[giotto]

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Irritating & frustrating are a far cry from physically kicking you like a football, which is what happened to the OP. 

Living in terror is not a good way of living. When I finally left for uni, it was such a relief. Yes, I missed home, but I didn't miss being with my parents. Best years of my life.

[giotto]

I've never been in therapy for the abuse - both physical and mental - that I received when I was younger. When we get out of this stupid pandemic, I will definitely resume therapy, concentrating on this instead of my failed marriage. Only recently I realised how my childhood trauma impacted on my inability to deal with issues. When I could not solve problems, I basically shut down and run away, as defence mechanism. My abandonment issues kicked in and I used alcohol, smoking whatever to deal with it. It protected me, but it destroyed the marriage.      

[Stret]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. I know there's a lot of it around and nobody really talks about it. I haven't spoken to anyone but I have been in therapy and it doesn't help - that is because I recoginise everything and still have trouble forgiving her - that is because she keeps on doing some things, if not to me then to my stepdad. She's still the same person just with much less power over me. She still reminds me how I was treated as a child and it doesn't help move on or repair the relationship. I even went to see hypnotherapist - that was a strange and useful experience. One hour indeed replaced a year of traditional therapy. I will probably continue with that. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, giotto said:

When we get out of this stupid pandemic, I will definitely resume therapy, concentrating on this instead of my failed marriage.

No need to wait.  Many good therapists provide tele-health & video appointments.  

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, Stret said:

 I have been in therapy and it doesn't help - that is because I recoginise everything and still have trouble forgiving her - that is because she keeps on doing some things, if not to me then to my stepdad. She's still the same person just with much less power over me. 

Understood but at some point you have to make a choice to get passed it.  Re-read what I wrote about not caring.  Seriously when I finally got to that place where she didn't matter any more she lost all (OK most ) power to hurt me  She was still my mom so she knew how to press the buttons but it was much better when I didn't care anymore.  Then I was able to function even as she pulled her same old garbage.  

[giotto]

44 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No need to wait.  Many good therapists provide tele-health & video appointments.  

I know, but I need to speak to people directly and personally. I don't find zoom etc. to be  very effective for me.

[d0nnivain]

Fair enough but if you find yourself in crisis, it's a fail safe.  Right now, I think you are in a constant & therefore manageable state of pain, @giotto