do you ever hate your mother?

[giotto]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Fair enough but if you find yourself in crisis, it's a fail safe.  Right now, I think you are in a constant & therefore manageable state of pain, @giotto

I'm ok right now. Since my father died, I'm better. Horrible thing to say, but... my marriage has gone into pieces, so at the moment all my "headspace" is actually occupied by that. 

Edited May 14, 2021 by giotto

[d0nnivain]

Sorry about your marriage.   Do deal with the immediate threat  crisis 1st.  

[giotto]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Sorry about your marriage.   Do deal with the immediate threat  crisis 1st.  

well, the crisis has been going on for the last 3 years and I'm nowhere close to a solution given my wife's mental issues. When we were just about to separate, I found info that pointed to a very fragile state of mind, to use a euphemism, and decided to stay. We are roommates, but I decided to support her for the time being. Waiting for Covid to do one to be able to travel a bit and clear my head about my future, which won't be with my wife. So, my childhood trauma will have to wait a bit. I still have the "burden" of my mother, who is in her 80s, but I talk to her over skype twice a week and even like that it's torture. She hasn't changed. Still telling me what to do at my age. Still a mother-child relationship, which I contributed to build and can't escape...  

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, giotto said:

 . Still telling me what to do at my age. Still a mother-child relationship, which I contributed to build and can't escape...  

You can escape.  Mom can tell you anything she wants.  You don't to listen.  Employ selective hearing.  Smile, nod & mummer uh-ha or ugh-on a few times but only pay attention if you hear select words like "fall / fell", "fracture", "hospital", "Covid", "doctor" "heart condition" etc.   Otherwise whatever mom says should be white noise that goes in one ear out the other & sound like the teacher in the Peanuts comic strip "wha, wwwha, wha" 

[giotto]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You can escape.  Mom can tell you anything she wants.  You don't to listen.  Employ selective hearing.  Smile, nod & mummer uh-ha or ugh-on a few times but only pay attention if you hear select words like "fall / fell", "fracture", "hospital", "Covid", "doctor" "heart condition" etc.   Otherwise whatever mom says should be white noise that goes in one ear out the other & sound like the teacher in the Peanuts comic strip "wha, wwwha, wha" 

I try, but It still affects me very badly. That's why resuming therapy is the next step... 🙂

[ABerk]

There are times when I strongly dislike my mother.  I totally understand your viewpoint.  It’s hard when there are mommy issues because she’s the first person who’s  supposed to show you how to love.  Mothers are usually put up on pedestals because she’s supposed to be the one person in this world that you can depend on.  But what happens if she’s not?  What happens when you only get a toxic abusive kinda love.  You’re left to pick up the pieces and try to put things together for yourself.  Hopefully there are others that show you love and support.  I’m sure you love your mother.  It’s good that she can admit to her faults.  There are many who won’t.  Make sure you’re taking care of yourself and don’t be afraid to seek therapy if needed.  Mommy issues are hard.  

[mortensorchid]

Show me one person who had a perfect, idyllic childhood.  And I will show you a liar.  Ha ha ha... but seriously...

Long term relationships are difficult - be it love, marriage, friendship, working, sibling, parent/child.  You go through a lot together and you both change.  And some of them don't work out.  But it's all about compromise and balance.  

Of course it's easier said than done.  Practice forgiveness.  Because they're out there loving their loves and you're rotting in your own filth otherwise. 

[Donnas]

Maybe you hate her actions,and not her!!!?

Maybe she got mental issues, often parents got life storys before you were born but never told you.But you had to deal with the outcome.

Maybe your mom is narcistic?Read about it and see if it adds up.And how to deal with it .

And accept the reality. Accept that this woman got issues and cant give you that level of affection.

And stop seeking it like this from her.

Accept the level she can give u.And go love others,di charity,find a pet and so on,so you can still expirience some level of love.And therapy if needed.

[Donnas]

On 5/13/2021 at 11:50 AM, giotto said:

My mother was ice cold when I grew up. She was incredibly anxious, but she worked full time, she run the household and looked after 3 kids. So, yes, I understand when occasionally she lost it and beat me up... but I wanted love and cuddles, not anger and stupid discipline. My dad was even worse, since he was very volatile and very violent. 
Do I hate my mother? I'm not sure, but I don't love her. I appreciate what she did for me, even if she went about it the wrong way. But I have to confess something awful... will I be sad when she dies? A bit, but the relief will be immense, the same way I felt an enormous relief when my dad died 4 years ago. Sad, but true.   

Thats sad.

Looks like they hurt you alot.

Its sad to read you will feel relieve when they die.

Maybe because you are still hurt and never spoke to them about it?

Maybe now your mom still alive you can talk it out.Atleast try.Atleast let her know how you feel about the upbring.

Who knows it can give you closour ,and who knows a better relationship with her.

Some parents are vile.Sone just pass over same upbring they had,without thinking how the kids will feel, Some think they doing good ,but dont know how it gets to the kids. Also  before you were born there is a history.

Stuff they went true as kids.And ddnt heal.And takes it on the kids sometimes ntentionly and onintentionaly.

Dont let this chance pass by if you can do it.😊✌🏽🌺

[Donnas]

2 minutes ago, Donnas said:

Thats sad.

Looks like they hurt you alot.

Its sad to read you will feel relieve when they die.

Maybe because you are still hurt and never spoke to them about it?

Maybe now your mom still alive you can talk it out.Atleast try.Atleast let her know how you feel about the upbring.

Who knows it can give you closour ,and who knows a better relationship with her.

Some parents are vile.Sone just pass over same upbring they had,without thinking how the kids will feel, Some think they doing good ,but dont know how it gets to the kids. Also  before you were born there is a history.

Stuff they went true as kids.And ddnt heal.And takes it on the kids sometimes ntentionly and onintentionaly.

Dont let this chance pass by if you can do it.😊✌🏽🌺

Do it=talk it out with your mom i mean.

[giotto]

37 minutes ago, Donnas said:

Do it=talk it out with your mom i mean.

We (myself and my brother) did talk about it. But it was about my dad's violent behaviour. She said he was a good guy, really, and cried. We felt guilty after that.

I'm not going to talk to my mother about her behaviour, the coldness, the anxiety and the odd violent outburst. There is not point now. I have understood it, but understanding and getting over it are two different things. I know she didn't do it on purpose. It's her character. She is who she is. I will find closure only after her death, unfortunately.

Edited June 3, 2021 by giotto

[Donnas]

4 hours ago, giotto said:

We (myself and my brother) did talk about it. But it was about my dad's violent behaviour. She said he was a good guy, really, and cried. We felt guilty after that.

I'm not going to talk to my mother about her behaviour, the coldness, the anxiety and the odd violent outburst. There is not point now. I have understood it, but understanding and getting over it are two different things. I know she didn't do it on purpose. It's her character. She is who she is. I will find closure only after her death, unfortunately.

What if there can be closure while she is alive. with the help of a therapist. what she did was wrong . talking often can bring clarity,and understanding botth ways and even a apology from her side.

You dont have to suffer till dead.

Beside praying to God can help you true it also and help you heal and bring peace.If you allow him.

[giotto]

6 minutes ago, Donnas said:

What if there can be closure while she is alive. with the help of a therapist. what she did was wrong . talking often can bring clarity,and understanding botth ways and even a apology from her side.

You dont have to suffer till dead.

Beside praying to God can help you true it also and help you heal and bring peace.If you allow him.

I can deal with the hurt. I have understood it, I have digested it, I have been to therapy. My mother is 84. If I raised the subject, she would die of hurt. She's already been living in isolation, on her own, for the last 16 months because of Covid. I don't really want to make things worse. I'm fine. I will have my closure when the time comes. 

[Pumpernickel]

I am raising my hand here. I dislike my mother very much, and I don't love her. Never have. Not even as a child. Unfortunately I had to live with her after my parents divorced.

She most definitely has some kind of a narcissistic, sociopathic, and/or histrionic personality disorder. Or all combined. She embarrassed me in front of everyone (friends, teachers, boyfriends, friends' parents, you name it.....). Didn't even provide me with the necessary supplies (school stuff, decent clothes, decent food, an education ..... nothing), she worked all the time and is actually wealthy, BUT spent all her money on herself, for flashy cars, homes, fancy investments, you name it...... If I hadn't had grandparents, I don't know what I would've worn to school every day. Seriously. It was THAT bad. She is a greedy, pathetic piece of s***. She liked to brag about her wealth. She took over a savings account that my grandparents opened for me when I was born; took all the money out before I turned 18 (she was the "parent" after all) & never repaid me or them (yup) – I remember to this day how I wanted to live in a foster home so badly (especially after my grandparents passed away). As soon as I was old enough I left, worked my butt off, got my master's degree and have been very successful ever since. Now she all of a sudden wants a "better relationship" (really ???) & she brags to the world about how proud she is of me (because she thinks it reflects positively onto her).

I don't talk to her. Every attempt of hers to reach out to me has been shot down. For decades. I am done with this cruel excuse of a mother. There's nothing she can do to earn my love back.