Fell for the OW

[torn_heart]

It's kind of a long story, but I'll try.

I've been with my GF for 7 years. Like 3 years ago, when finishing a Master degree a met OW who I have a lot n common with, and thought we would be good friends and that's it, around the holidays she got together again with her long time BF and agreed to go live to another country when finishing the master, but also around the same time, we had a party and we hooked up, and it was great. We both felt terrible, but the connection was amazing!! It was an on/off relationshiop for some months, but there was always the end in sight: when she would move.

Important note: Her relationshio with her BF started as the OW, and actually the guy never divorced his past wife.

We stayed doing everything, my GF relantionship didn't relly suffer, hers did, because her BF was kinda on to us, but in the end she got pregnant (from him) and moved to the other country. 

Even while pregnant she came to visit and we kept hooking up, also I once had to go to work there and we kissed. Then she gave birth and in reality it was all over.

Last year, she broke up with her BF and came back, we saw each other again and she told me "but no kiss, or anything, I'm not going to be the OW of anyone ever again" and I was ok, because even it was weird and difficult with her kid around, didn't felt right. Some months went by, and when we met for my birthday she kissed me (March). Afterwards, we hooked up again, and it was amazing again! But now I was the only one with a relationship. 

The most difficult part, and why this was different, it was that this happened during the pandemic. I don't live with y GF and I started meeting her even more often than my GF and she was one of other 4 adults I kept meeting during quarantine so it became quite important and we were enjoying each other very much!

After some time my GF started having problems at work and we decided to go live together, because that would also let me put an end to my affair, but when the time came I got cold feet. I didn't disclose the real reason, my GF bought my BS explanation, but I came to realize: I fell in love with my OW.

Afterwards I felt terrible, I knew I had to do something, but didn't, my GF lost her job, and I've been supporting her, but I kept hooking upwith my OW. 

3 weeks ago we took a little vacation my GF and I, and when I came back my OW told me we had to talk, and I said: "This is it, if it's an exit you have to take it, for your mental health and for your GF" and that was it, she again said "I don't want to be the OW of anyone ever again" and I agreed, she didn't ask me to break up with my GF, she never did, but she had told me she loved me at some point and I didn't reply back, specially because it felt wrong saying it to both, not because I didn't feel it.

Now, I feel I love her, I'm even considering leaving my GF, but I think it's the monkey on my back, she has a kid and its not something I love watching me doing, but I don't discard it. The weird part is that it felts like a normal break up, she sometime writes me, tells me sweet things, me too, obviosuly, we have seen each other again, I told her I love her, we hooked up, but not getting "back together" all the stupid moves we do in our youth, it's what's happening me. Anyone has felt like this before? It's weird playing this game with a OW while having a GF and having more than 35 years. It feels weird, bad, juvenile, but my heart really feels like I'm going through a break up.

I know a lot of people are gonna judge me and hate me, but believe me, right now I feel I love both. My GF feels my entire support and, except for sex, we are doing fine.

Edited May 9, 2021 by torn_heart

[BaileyB]

No, what you feel for your girlfriend isn’t love - people who love each other don’t carry on secret affairs for years. 

You should break up with your girlfriend. It’s terrifically awful that you have continued to date the woman while clearly engaged in a serious relationship with another. Do the right thing and allow her the opportunity to find another man who will love and respect her. 

You are very selfish. Selfish in that you keep the truth from your girlfriend. Selfish in that you have been cheating on her for years. Selfish in that you chose to stay in your relationship while using the other woman. And selfish in that you don’t chose to be with this other woman because she has a child (if I am understanding correctly). 

Normally, I would say be with the other woman. You clearly have feelings for the women and you will be well matched in that, neither one of you has any respect for boundaries in a relationship or frankly, respect for other people. But - she has a child. To get in a relationship with a woman who has a child when a) you don’t want the child and b) you can’t provide a stable home for the child is just plain irresponsible. 

That said, my advice is grieve the loss of this relationship. Respect her wishes and leave the woman alone. Furthermore, end the relationship with your girlfriend and let her find someone else to love. I’m sorry to be blunt, but you have no business being in a relationship until you better respect relationship boundaries and consider someone else’s needs above your own. 

[torn_heart]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, what you feel for your girlfriend isn’t love - people who love each other don’t carry on secret affairs for years. 

You should break up with your girlfriend. It’s terrifically awful that you have continued to date the woman while clearly engaged in a serious relationship with another. Do the right thing and allow her the opportunity to find another man who will love and respect her. 

You are very selfish. Selfish in that you keep the truth from your girlfriend. Selfish in that you have been cheating on her for years. Selfish in that you chose to stay in your relationship while using the other woman. And selfish in that you don’t chose to be with this other woman because she has a child (if I am understanding correctly). 

Normally, I would say be with the other woman. You clearly have feelings for the women and you will be well matched in that, neither one of you has any respect for boundaries in a relationship or frankly, respect for other people. But - she has a child. To get in a relationship with a woman who has a child when a) you don’t want the child and b) you can’t provide a stable home for the child is just plain irresponsible. 

That said, my advice is grieve the loss of this relationship. Respect her wishes and leave the woman alone. Furthermore, end the relationship with your girlfriend and let her find someone else to love. I’m sorry to be blunt, but you have no business being in a relationship until you better respect relationship boundaries and consider someone else’s needs above your own. 

Thanks for the reply.

As you say, yes, I think I'm being very selfish, it's the first time in my life I have ever cheated, I think I even had the nerve to have this affair because we were both in a relationship when we started and last year, as you say it, I think it was a 100% selfish thing on my part, because it felt good and since I was feeling terrible because of the quarantine and being with it helped a lot.

As for my GF, I respect your opinion, but I do feel I love her, it's just our relationship has been together but apart, she likes having her space, and when we started, me too, I think something that changed around the time I started the affair I started a period where got difficult for me those "alone times" and she was still good with hers and never spoke about it.

As for the kid, no, it's not a stopper, at some point gave me a second thought, but the main issue I have right now is that I don't know if what I feel is a result of the break up (abstinence syndrome) or real feelings. That's what makes this different and more difficult than any other time.

 

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

the main issue I have right now is that I don't know if what I feel is a result of the break up (abstinence syndrome) or real feelings.

It’s impossible to assess the merit either relationship in this situation. This is what happens when people have affairs - the spouse is usually lacking, while the affair partner is the stuff dreams are made of. In reality, neither is usually true. But, you can’t do an accurate assessment of either relationship in the context of another. 

 

33 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

it's just our relationship has been together but apart, she likes having her space, and when we started, me too, I think something that changed around the time I started the affair I started a period where got difficult for me those "alone times" and she was still good with hers and never spoke about it.

This is the story between myself and my partner. I definitely like more time to myself, while he enjoys more time together. The fact that I like having a little more space does not give him the right to cheat on me. Period. 

Can you consider that part of the reason why she needs more space and is a little withdrawn is because her boyfriend is preoccupied and otherwise engaged with another woman? Many women can sense when something is off, and some will withdraw as a result. The other thing to consider - perhaps she hasn’t withdrawn at all. Perhaps, it just feels to you like she needs more space and because you are otherwise engaged in an affair. Again, it’s common for those in affairs to perceive their spouse to be withdrawn when in truth, nothing has changed. But, compared to the intense feels of your affair, and because your attention is else where, you fail to notice the ways that she is engaged with you... you are too busy thinking about other things. 

33 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

It’s the first time in my life I have ever cheated. It felt good and since I was feeling terrible because of the quarantine and being with it helped a lot.

Excuses, excuses. My girlfriend needs her space and I wanted attention. It was quarantine and it helped me a lot. My friend, I think you have a long way to go to accept responsibility here. You have a lot that you need to learn about self control, how to self regulate and occupy your spare time...  Please don’t minimize (it was my first time) or blame your girlfriend or the pandemic for your own decisions. I’m not meaning to be harsh, I am actually trying to help when I say that if you are going to find your way forward you really need to learn how to take responsibility and make better decisions for your life. 

For what it’s worth, I’ve given my vote. I think you need to end both relationships. You need to end your relationship with your girlfriend because it’s not meeting your needs and what you have done to her is just plain cruel. I would also end the relationship with the other woman because she has not demonstrated the ability to stay faithful in any of her relationships. Fidelity and trust are important to me in a relationship - as such, she would not be a wise choice in a relationship partner. Yes, it will hurt and you will feel the end of both relationships. But, you will live. It will give you the opportunity to start fresh and find the relationship you want with a woman you can trust. It will give you an opportunity to be a better man, a better boyfriend. Good luck!

Edited May 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[torn_heart]

45 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is the story between myself and my partner. I definitely like more time to myself, while he enjoys more time together. The fact that I like having a little more space does not give him the right to cheat on me. Period. 

Can you consider that part of the reason why she needs more space and is a little withdrawn is because her boyfriend is preoccupied and otherwise engaged with another woman? Many women can sense when something is off, and some will withdraw as a result. The other thing to consider - perhaps she hasn’t withdrawn at all. Perhaps, it just feels to you like she needs more space and because you are otherwise engaged in an affair. Again, it’s common for those in affairs to perceive their spouse to be withdrawn when in truth, nothing has changed. But, compared to the intense feels of your affair, and because your attention is else where, you fail to notice the ways that she is engaged with you... you are too busy thinking about other things. 

What I Mean here is that from the beginning (7 years ago) that's how i has been. I know it doesn't give me the right. We've never discussed moving in together until last year when she started having problems at work.

45 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Excuses, excuses. My girlfriend needs her space and I wanted attention. It was quarantine and it helped me a lot. My friend, I think you have a long way to go to accept responsibility here. You have a lot that you need to learn about self control, how to self regulate and occupy your spare time...  Please don’t minimize (it was my first time) or blame your girlfriend or the pandemic for your own decisions. I’m not meaning to be harsh, I am actually trying to help when I say that if you are going to find your way forward you really need to learn how to take responsibility and make better decisions for your life. 
 

Sorry, didn't mean to feel like I was giving excuses, It was more about context. I don't blame anyone but myself for my own decisions, I've never blamed my GF, I know she is the totally innocent in all this, all the description was about giving context, never about blaming, sorry if it was misunderstood.

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, torn_heart said:

My GF feels my entire support and, except for sex, we are doing fine.

Well, no. That's not true at all. 

You are doing fine. Your girlfriend is doing "fine" on completely false pretenses - she has no idea you've been lying and cheating for years. That is not doing fine. That's you managing to keep up a charade for far too long and living a double-life. Maybe it seems fine but it's a front, and it's only because your girlfriend does not know the truth. 

I don't believe you have a healthy concept of love. Love, for most people (and I imagine for your girlfriend, too) generally includes not doing things that we know would hurt our partners. And especially not repeatedly, for years. So while you might care about her on some level, I don't think you love her anymore. Not in the way that is usually necessary for a relationship to thrive. You are comfortable with her, but you are not honest with her. You don't make an effort to honour your relationship. You don't respect her and you don't respect your relatoinship with her. 

I think that whatever happens with this other woman, you need to let your girlfriend go. Your relationship is a farce at this point, and she deserves someone who would not dare jeopardize everything. But, don't hold your breath for your affair to transition well into a long-term relationship. More often than not, it doesn't happen. Especially with a child in the mix whose father is aware of you, it's unlikely to work out. You need to be prepared for that strong probability. 

Best bet? Stay single for a while. Get your head on straight and reflect on your life choices. Dig deep and get real with yourself about your own values and behaviour. 

[Wiseman2]

Ok, this isn't about GF #2, it's about coasting along aimlessly and complacently with GF#1.

That should have ended years ago,had you had the courage to do so.

End it with GF#1. Why string her along anymore? Just free both yourselves from this boring sexless prison 

As far as GF#2, what you do know about her is that she's well versed in cheating and being duplicitous.

In summary, you have 2 more or less questionable women hanging around and neither of them seem too amazing.

[torn_heart]

Hi!

I've been thinking a lot. It has been difficult because I've been in contact with the OW, she is saying she would like to do some activities together (like learning stuff) and so on. 

In this time, I came to realize that, indeed, I need to be alone some time. I am now thinking how to tell my gf, since she has no idea I've been cheating, but at least she knows I'm going through a bad time. 

It's hard not to keep contact with the OW, but I try to do it less and less everyday.

[torn_heart]

[Things have been] weird.

Last Saturday we had a misunderstanding where she got mad and told me (through text) that only when I've fixed myself and see that I want to be with her I should reach her. I got mad, because that's the kind of attitude that makes me break up with someone. So I got really mad and I was emotionally exhausted to do anything.  

On Monday, she reached me with messages insinuating that she hopes I can fix my life and be with her, asking how I was, and even flirting a little. I told her that I can't believe that because of a misunderstanding that happened, she didn't know what to say. 

Then, yesterday, she called me just to give me some news of one accomplishment she had.

Last several days I've been leaning towards just fixing myself, speaking about this with close friends, that really didn't know I could speak about this has helped a lot. 

My therapist, and one friend that knows her who I spoke to, both tell me that she has some toxic behaviors and if I enter a serious relationship with her it's something I have to be prepared to. Sadly, those behaviors are the same ones that most of my gf had until 10 years ago I decided I didn't want to be in a relationship like that, sadly I fell in love with her. 

Right now I try the NC, but I don't believe in blocking people, yesterday was a good day, today has been terrible, I fantasy with a relationship with her. But I know I have to fix myself and do something about my current relationship and rationalize that maybe is not the best thing to enter a relationship with her. 

I'm better than at the beginning because what she did on Saturday really let me down and the image of that relationship stopped being so "pure". But still, days like today, I think of it. 

It's a lot, and I'm on my cellphone so I hope everything is clear.

Thanks for asking.

Edited May 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
split from discussion on other page.

[torn_heart]

So, just an update.

During last week my ex-OW kept messaging me for any stupid reason, just to be on my mind. I really felt she was just toying with me.

To clear my head I went to a beach trip on the weekend with several friends. I posted a pic in social media (just the beach and saying I needed time off), on Friday night, while I was at the beach my ex-OW texted me on how I was and how was the beach, i replied and asked her how her trip was going (she went to another city because of work) and she asked me if I was with my gf at that moment, and told her "no". Then she told me one of her children have just woken up and she would call me to chat.

Like 2 hours later (1:30 am) she called me, I took the call in my room, and she said that she felt I was hiding something, like I went on the trip with my gf (which I didn't) , and at the end, she said she just called me to check if I was with my gf, that she felt terrible that I might be on a vacation at the beach with my gf. 

But last week she told me she didn't want anything with me until I was single, I stopped communication, she has the one that has been contacting me, and for the whole week she didn't show any sign of affection towards me (in her texts), she was veeery cold. 

Then she sent me a text telling me she was sorry, that it was an attitude she had in a previous relationship, but now I feel that a relationship with her would be impossible, even though my heart and mind still toy with the thought, this kind of behavior really turns me off. 

Am I being too harsh on my judgement?

 

Edited June 1, 2021 by torn_heart
specifics

[anthon]

She is toying with you.  probably best to not respond and move on. 

[torn_heart]

4 hours ago, anthon said:

She is toying with you.  probably best to not respond and move on. 

Yea, wasn't thinking on replying. It was a very toxic conversation. I do think she has some issues because her last relationship she also started as the OW and the guy kept lying to her, so I know ehere she is coming from. At somepoint I worry about her, but to be honest, these games she played last week were terrible.

[pepperbird2]

op,

It sounds like you're not a bad guy, but you certainly are doing a lot of cake eating right now. I would ask you to take a minute and really think about this.

It it fair to your current long term girlfriend to go behind her back and sleep with someone else? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You exposed her to the possibility of catching an STD from you or even having to deal with an OW who acts poorly. You have introduced something into her life, without her knowledge or consent.

Like I said, you don't sound like a bad guy at all, and I really think that, way deep down, you know what you're doing isn't right. Why not live up to your own "moral code" and let your GF find happiness with someone else? It will give you room. to breathe and figure yourself out.

[torn_heart]

7 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

It sounds like you're not a bad guy, but you certainly are doing a lot of cake eating right now. I would ask you to take a minute and really think about this.

It it fair to your current long term girlfriend to go behind her back and sleep with someone else? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You exposed her to the possibility of catching an STD from you or even having to deal with an OW who acts poorly. You have introduced something into her life, without her knowledge or consent.

Like I said, you don't sound like a bad guy at all, and I really think that, way deep down, you know what you're doing isn't right. Why not live up to your own "moral code" and let your GF find happiness with someone else? It will give you room. to breathe and figure yourself out.

I'm no longer with the OW, 5 weeks now, 5 long and feel with drama weeks, and my gf is in a low spot right now, very low. I've thought about doing it, but I need to wait at least until she gets a job, at least she told me last week that starting June she would restart the search.

I don't know, I think I should focus all my energy to try and fix my relationship with my gf now. 

 

[pepperbird2]

18 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I'm no longer with the OW, 5 weeks now, 5 long and feel with drama weeks, and my gf is in a low spot right now, very low. I've thought about doing it, but I need to wait at least until she gets a job, at least she told me last week that starting June she would restart the search.

I don't know, I think I should focus all my energy to try and fix my relationship with my gf now. 

 

Have you ever been on a flight and read that card they stick in the seat pocket that explains what to do in an emergency? One of the points is that one should put he oxygen mask on themselves first before helping others.

That applies here as well. You can't fix your relationship until you sort yourself out. Figure out why you thought it was okay to cheat on your GF and ask yourself about why you want to remain in the relationship. What do you have to offer her?

I would also (gently) suggest that you tell your GF that you have been with this other woman at the same time as her. You can't fix a relationship with a huge elephant like this in the middle of the room. Give her the gift of being fully informed about what impacting her life. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know so you could make informed choices about your life or would you rather be kept in the dark? Like I said in a previous post, you don't sound like a bad guy at all, but you have really veered off course, and this may all come back to bite you in the behind if you don't get control of the situation and think with your brain instead of your heart.

[torn_heart]

10 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Have you ever been on a flight and read that card they stick in the seat pocket that explains what to do in an emergency? One of the points is that one should put he oxygen mask on themselves first before helping others.

That applies here as well. You can't fix your relationship until you sort yourself out. Figure out why you thought it was okay to cheat on your GF and ask yourself about why you want to remain in the relationship. What do you have to offer her?

I would also (gently) suggest that you tell your GF that you have been with this other woman at the same time as her. You can't fix a relationship with a huge elephant like this in the middle of the room. Give her the gift of being fully informed about what impacting her life. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know so you could make informed choices about your life or would you rather be kept in the dark? Like I said in a previous post, you don't sound like a bad guy at all, but you have really veered off course, and this may all come back to bite you in the behind if you don't get control of the situation and think with your brain instead of your heart.

To be totally honest if roles were reversed I wouldn't want to know.

I agree that I have to work on my self and I'm doing it in several ways, excercise, therapist, work. The issue is that I think I'll have to block OW because she keeps reaching out. 

 

[pepperbird2]

12 hours ago, torn_heart said:

To be totally honest if roles were reversed I wouldn't want to know.

I agree that I have to work on my self and I'm doing it in several ways, excercise, therapist, work. The issue is that I think I'll have to block OW because she keeps reaching out. 

 

It's good that you are focusing on yourself. That will really pay off in the future. I expect it's not an easy road (working on yourself) but you are tackling that head on. good on you

[torn_heart]

So during the weekend things got very weird, OW started sending me texts of how she missed me and that she wanted me to go to her house at night, but she sent these texts at a time that she knows I'm with my GF and she even said she would stop reaching out. I ignored those messages and they've stopped. My idea is that if she does one thing like that again I'll block her. I got very mad, I think she got mad at me because I ignored her, and at times like today I'm stopping myself of reaching her and tell her I'm sorry, it's stupid, because I just ignored some messages that were totally toxic in nature. 

I'm sad that things got this bad, on Saturday I had therapy and we are still working on the root cause of my behavior, also, on Sunday after all these happened I also reach out to my therapist and told me that OW is very emotionally aggressive, that I should keep away from her, because she damages my mental state and that maybe she would get even more violent. It's terrible to see that she got like this, and damn, I still miss her, and even love her...

On another note, when I'm with my GF I'm at peace, I don't think about the OW, my main issue is when I'm alone. I think I might move in with her soon. I'm afraid that I'll have to keep that away from Social Media, so I don't trigger a violent response from OW.

Edited June 8, 2021 by torn_heart

[assertives]

53 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

My idea is that if she does one thing like that again I'll block her. I got very mad, I think she got mad at me because I ignored her, and at times like today I'm stopping myself of reaching her and tell her I'm sorry, it's stupid, because I just ignored some messages that were totally toxic in nature. 

Don't wait until then. Tell her not to contact you anymore and then block her. You have to commit to moving on whether it's moving on from your gf or your OW. You can't have true reconciliation if you are still in contact with the OW and constantly thinking about her, engaging with her. You are effectively still in an emotional affair.

Also, you need to seriously consider telling your gf before moving in together, further enmeshing your lives. Your actions and thoughts towards your gf regarding this have been very selfish so far. At least give her the information to make an informed decision about her life. There is a chance that the OW will decide to tell your gf herself especially seeing how she's lashing out. It's better that she hears it from you.

[spiritedaway2003]

It’s more simple than you make it…

1. If you love the OW, then go be with her. It doesn’t seem that way because you don’t waffle so much with someone you love. 

2. If you love your Gf, then be with her. But do you really love her when you could feel that way for another? 

3. You want you cover all up and move on, but you seemed passive in your approach to shut things down with the OW.  Are you afraid that she might tell on you to your gf?  (The reality: The truth)

4.  Whether you choose to tell us up to you, but if you think there is a good chance that she will tell your gf, it would be better if she hears it from you first. Your relationship with your gf changed the moment you stepped out; she just didn’t know it yet.  Whether you can or want to salvage the relationship is up to both of you. 

You don’t find peace because you are stuck and that’s a horrible place to be in.  Ask yourself what are you really afraid of?  Can you firmly shut things down and risk a blowup? Can you proceed with moving forward with your gf as if nothing had happened?  Do you really love either/or?  Once you are willing to accept (and face) those outcomes, you will be able to find some peace.

Edited June 8, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[torn_heart]

5 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

It’s more simple than you make it…

1. If you love the OW, then go be with her. It doesn’t seem that way because you don’t waffle so much with someone you love. 

2. If you love your Gf, then be with her. But do you really love her when you could feel that way for another? 

3. You want you cover all up and move on, but you seemed passive in your approach to shut things down with the OW.  Are you afraid that she might tell on you to your gf?  (The reality: The truth)

4.  Whether you choose to tell us up to you, but if you think there is a good chance that she will tell your gf, it would be better if she hears it from you first. Your relationship with your gf changed the moment you stepped out; she just didn’t know it yet.  Whether you can or want to salvage the relationship is up to both of you. 

You don’t find peace because you are stuck and that’s a horrible place to be in.  Ask yourself what are you really afraid of?  Can you firmly shut things down and risk a blowup? Can you proceed with moving forward with your gf as if nothing had happened?  Do you really love either/or?  Once you are willing to accept (and face) those outcomes, you will be able to find some peace.

1. I do, the issue I have is that she has shown too much toxicity which has pushed me away.

2. I do, they are two very different relationships, in all this time the main thing is something like "OW is the woman I'd really like to be right now, my GF is the woman I'd like to grow old with".  I cannot see myself with OW in the long term because of what I said in 1

3. Totally agree. This week at some point I was afraid that she would, she has behaving very erratic (as I have) but she knows that would make us never speak again, also, when she told me that she wanted a relationship she begged me not to tell my GF about us, she doesn't want to "feel" like a "homebreaker", and also, because if we had a relationship everyone around me would know how we started.

As I said before, if roles were reversed, I wouldn't want to know, and at somepoint my gf (before any of this happened) answer to that question that she wouldn't want to know, basically, because the premise of the question is that "if you feel the relationship is doing well would you like to know if your partner is cheating on you?" 

4. I'm now confident she won't say anything, OW now pulled back because I didn't comply with her request of going to her house during the weekend, and it seems she is now again in the position of "we can speak when you are single". Don't know if this next weekend something might happen, because every weekend seems to be a crisis around this. I believe that I'll have to be more active in shutting her down if she does it again, the issue is that we have a bunch of friends in common.

Since the anonimity of the forum I can say what I've found with my therapist:

I didn't do well at dating in HS, and the GF I had were more because they chose me instead of me choosing them. OW is someone my 15 year old is congratulating me for getting. (even thoug the toxicity) because of that I'm in a mid life crisis with some self steem issues.

My therapist tells that maybe I should have a break with my GF and go in a dating spree, but now with OW, because all the issues she has made her too toxic (my therpaist says that she is mentally/emotioanlly violent) and that is not good for my mental state. What I told her is that I really don't want to go on a dat spree, that I'd rather work out the root causes. Which are childhood issues.

In summary:

I know I have to shut OW down, my therapist says it, my friends say it, and even a common friend who knows says it, she is too much. But, I do love her.

My gf is a relationship I really want to keep specially for the long term, I don't discart a 100% asking her for a break, but I won't tell her about the affair because of what I said before.

I NEED to fiil the time I was normally chatting and having fun with the OW with some other activity, because my mind goes towards her most of the time, specially workdays.

I'll continue therapy, which I knew I needed before any of this started, and hope to get better. The only issue I see is that each time I go I get a lot of stuff to think about.

[pepperbird2]

If you think your OW could become violent or contact your girlfriend, please tell your girlfriend so she can at least mentally prepare herself. To do otherwise is selfish of you. Don't kid yourself that your ow will respect your boundaries and leave your GF alone. It could well be that , if she's angry and hurt enough, she'll try and get back at you by lashing out at her.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

If you think your OW could become violent or contact your girlfriend, please tell your girlfriend so she can at least mentally prepare herself. To do otherwise is selfish of you. Don't kid yourself that your ow will respect your boundaries and leave your GF alone. It could well be that , if she's angry and hurt enough, she'll try and get back at you by lashing out at her.

You have an obligation to your girlfriend to tell her the truth - for this reason, and others. 

On 6/2/2021 at 9:15 PM, torn_heart said:

To be totally honest if roles were reversed I wouldn't want to know.

 

This is the lie that all cheaters tell themselves. 

The truth is, if your girlfriend was cheating with another man you would want to know. You would lose your mind if you discovered that she had cheated after the fact. We’ve seen it time and again on this site - 

[torn_heart]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You have an obligation to your girlfriend to tell her the truth - for this reason, and others. 

This is the lie that all cheaters tell themselves. 

The truth is, if your girlfriend was cheating with another man you would want to know. You would lose your mind if you discovered that she had cheated after the fact. We’ve seen it time and again on this site - 

Untrue, but I guess it's a matter of opinion. 

[Starswillshine]

7 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Untrue, but I guess it's a matter of opinion. 

You say that as a cheating man. You don't know what it is like to give your all to someone who has been stabbing you in the back for the last however many years.