Fell for the OW

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Unless you don't mind your GF finding out at some point, I'd be careful how much you share with this or any other friend. "Loose lips sink ships" and affairs are juicy gossip. This woman might decide one day that "you shouldn't marry" your current GF because of what you did while you were going out with her, etc.

You never know how the worm might turn in life, I'd save ALL of this for the therapist.

No worries there. She has been my best friend for 15 years, I know secrets from her also, she is married with two kids.

Today has been a really terrible day, lot of anxiety, one of those days I've thought of ending everything and going back to the OW. Can't take this many ups and downs. Have to find new activities and environments. Since the pandemic started I've been doing home office and being here is the absolutely worst since the OW used to come once or twice a week to work and have sex. 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough.  I hope your breakup blues subside reasonably soon.

[torn_heart]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough.  I hope your breakup blues subside reasonably soon.

Thank you!

[Starswillshine]

Has your GF suspected anything while you are going through this? Would guess it would be hard to fake it around her? 

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Has your GF suspected anything while you are going through this? Would guess it would be hard to fake it around her? 

She hasn't told me anything, but I'm sure she knows I'm way off. We haven't had sex since the las time I had with my OW, the guilt and anxiety won't let me.

At the end of 2020 I started to had a lot of anxiety, I knew that in part it was because I found out about my feelings towards the OW, but I also felt that were because of the lockdown, I always told her about this (my increasing anxiety) so she knows I'm going through a rouch patch.

But, on the other hand, she is also going through a rough patch. She lost her job 3 months ago, the most important members of her family are very far away, so she is a little bit depressed (main reason I can't tell her), so we are both in bad shape. We've made several trips in the last 2 months, a couple outside the country (to get vax) and another to the beach, they've been great, but still, no sex.

Several years ago we had a rough patch, where we also had no sex for some time, for different reasons, and she told me that maybe we needed a break, at that time I told her that no, that we could work it out (and we did) but if she tells me again I think I'll take it. To be honest, I would tell her, but I dont' want to break her, I'd tell her that I'm questioning everything in my life (which I am), going through a mid-life crisis (which my therapist told me I'm in).

[torn_heart]

So, quick update.

Still no contact with the OW. But found that I do needed to ask my GF for a break, I couldn't handle the anxiety and the pressure that I was suffering while she was also suffering because of her rough patch. 

I told her about my mid life crisis, that it was the root of my anxiety (my affair, my therapist says, is also part of my crisis), that my therapist told me I needed time and space to go through it and she asked me how could she help me, I told her that I needed a break, and for her to get better, she was totally stuck for more than a year now.

She even thanked me because this would push her to get better with the other things in her life. 

We didn't agree on a time frame, but we said that we love each other very much.

I won't contact the OW.

[pepperbird2]

17 hours ago, torn_heart said:

So, quick update.

Still no contact with the OW. But found that I do needed to ask my GF for a break, I couldn't handle the anxiety and the pressure that I was suffering while she was also suffering because of her rough patch. 

I told her about my mid life crisis, that it was the root of my anxiety (my affair, my therapist says, is also part of my crisis), that my therapist told me I needed time and space to go through it and she asked me how could she help me, I told her that I needed a break, and for her to get better, she was totally stuck for more than a year now.

She even thanked me because this would push her to get better with the other things in her life. 

We didn't agree on a time frame, but we said that we love each other very much.

I won't contact the OW.

It sounds like you've done the right thing for both of you. Give yourselves some time and space to figure out your next steps.

[torn_heart]

So, yesterday night the ex-OW contacted me.

It wasn't to talk about the relationship or anything, it was just a talk like when we were friends. Thought it was good and gave me some peace, except that a couple of times she told me she was sad, or depressed, one of the reasons was because yesterday was father's day and she was all alone with her kids (guess that's why she called me), then she also told me that on Saturday she got drunk at night all by herself, which got me worried, a friend tells me that she said it so I feel bad and go running to her (she victimizes herself a lot). Also she told me that she saw the "another round" movie and thought that it was a cool idea to live a life a little bit drunk all the time, which obviously got me very very worried, I told her that she shouldn't, but don't know what she's going to do .

My guess is that she contacted me in a moment of weakness, then during night and morning her inner circle told her to keep NC, which is OK, it's better for me to clear my head. At least we didn't chat anything about the relationship, only that she was glad that we could chat like that again.

Sorry if I disappoint, but I always pickup when is someone I know and more if I care about them, because it might be an emergency.

Edited June 22, 2021 by torn_heart

[torn_heart]

34 minutes ago, S2B said:

You need to be on your own.

neither gal needs to be involved with you now.

work with a skilled therapist - you need help.

the relationship with your GF didn’t stand a chance - mainly because you wouldn’t get honest with her about what you have been doing. So that relationship is done. You ruined it with lies.

the OW just wants you to save her… stay away from that too.

learn to be happy all on your own. Work on honesty and what a healthy relationship ship looks like a d how to participate in any relationship with honesty.

I'm already working with a therapist and I disagree about my relationship with my GF. I do need time on my own, and that's what I'm doing. 

Thanks for the comment anyway.

[snowcones]

I appreciate reading opening posts from men so thank you for posting.  Usually this section is filled with women posting and other posters bashing the OW and the OM.

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, snowcones said:

I appreciate reading opening posts from men so thank you for posting.  Usually this section is filled with women posting and other posters bashing the OW and the OM.

Yes, I think cheaters are normally the bad guys around here. Since I was 17 years old (my first true breakup) I've been writing about my issues and kept the practice until now that I'm 38. It has always helped me to structure my thoughts, even though emotions are other story. What I usually don't do is opening those issues with anyone, not even a forum. It has helped a lot writing here and reading other stories, you can empathize with almost anyone who writes their story here, even though demoniznig the cheater is always the easiest way for recovery for the married partner and the affair partner, not everything is black and white. 

Talking about your problems in this forum, but also opening yourself with people you trust IRL helps a lot, and you'll see that people have stories of their own, and they are also not black and white. This process has helped me to reconnect with some friends I haven't seen for quite some time.

[pepperbird2]

10 hours ago, torn_heart said:

So, yesterday night the ex-OW contacted me.

It wasn't to talk about the relationship or anything, it was just a talk like when we were friends. Thought it was good and gave me some peace, except that a couple of times she told me she was sad, or depressed, one of the reasons was because yesterday was father's day and she was all alone with her kids (guess that's why she called me), then she also told me that on Saturday she got drunk at night all by herself, which got me worried, a friend tells me that she said it so I feel bad and go running to her (she victimizes herself a lot). Also she told me that she saw the "another round" movie and thought that it was a cool idea to live a life a little bit drunk all the time, which obviously got me very very worried, I told her that she shouldn't, but don't know what she's going to do .

 

Um, a woman with kids, a single mom at that. who gets drunk and jokes about a life being a little bit drunk all t he time?

Sounds like mother of the year material to me ( sarcasm IS intended). This woman sounds like a train wreck who is dragging her kids along with her. Any pity I may have had for her is out the window.

[pepperbird2]

7 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Yes, I think cheaters are normally the bad guys around here. Since I was 17 years old (my first true breakup) I've been writing about my issues and kept the practice until now that I'm 38. It has always helped me to structure my thoughts, even though emotions are other story. What I usually don't do is opening those issues with anyone, not even a forum. It has helped a lot writing here and reading other stories, you can empathize with almost anyone who writes their story here, even though demoniznig the cheater is always the easiest way for recovery for the married partner and the affair partner, not everything is black and white. 

Talking about your problems in this forum, but also opening yourself with people you trust IRL helps a lot, and you'll see that people have stories of their own, and they are also not black and white. This process has helped me to reconnect with some friends I haven't seen for quite some time.

Gently,
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but this idea that BS are "demonizing" their cheating partner is, well, pretty hard to swallow.

Thees people have been put through the wringer. They have built a life, a family with their spouse, and in many cases, they trusted them explicitly. Do you know what it's like to be someone who finds it very hard to trust someone to do so and then be be told it was all for nothing? To find out your spouse has fathered/ mothered a child with their ow/om? To find out you got an STD from your cheating spouse? That money you have worked hard to earn has been used to by gifts etc. for the ow/om? That while you are caring for a sick child/working/looking after the house that your spouse has been running you down to their ow/om?

There are endless stories that include these details, and even worse. Like you say, there are two sides to every story.


 

[pepperbird2]

8 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Um, a woman with kids, a single mom at that. who gets drunk and jokes about a life being a little bit drunk all t he time?

Sounds like mother of the year material to me ( sarcasm IS intended). This woman sounds like a train wreck who is dragging her kids along with her. Any pity I may have had for her is out the window.

The more I think about this, the more disturbing it sounds. Her kids are the ones i feel for and worry about here. OP, is this just a one off for her that she won't do again or is it a frequent behaviour?
 

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

The more I think about this, the more disturbing it sounds. Her kids are the ones i feel for and worry about here. OP, is this just a one off for her that she won't do again or is it a frequent behaviour?
 

First time. Her kids are like 2.5 and she just stopped breast feeding them so it was the first time she had a drink in more than 3 years. 

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Gently,
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but this idea that BS are "demonizing" their cheating partner is, well, pretty hard to swallow.

Thees people have been put through the wringer. They have built a life, a family with their spouse, and in many cases, they trusted them explicitly. Do you know what it's like to be someone who finds it very hard to trust someone to do so and then be be told it was all for nothing? To find out your spouse has fathered/ mothered a child with their ow/om? To find out you got an STD from your cheating spouse? That money you have worked hard to earn has been used to by gifts etc. for the ow/om? That while you are caring for a sick child/working/looking after the house that your spouse has been running you down to their ow/om?

There are endless stories that include these details, and even worse. Like you say, there are two sides to every story.


 

I totally understand. But my comment goes more along the lines that we post here because we are hurting (at least myself) and I know that because of what you said we won't get much empathy.

[torn_heart]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

So if this all working out for you - why are you still posting about this?

Yup, getting better. I post because it helps. 

[mark clemson]

Beware of the ex-OW turning herself into a problem that you feel obliged to "come running to fix". Some people do this. Not sure this will happen, but it seems to be leaning that way a little. Ultimately she needs to address her own problems.

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

I agree ^^^ 

be sure you don’t show signs of “white knight syndrome”

it may make you feel better saving her - and that dynamic is very unhealthy.

 

I know, and I always do it, but I know I have to stay away and let her handle herself. 

[torn_heart]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

So she relies on you to save her? Why can’t she take care of things herself?

That was in some cases and were mostly proactive on my part. Since the breakup she has done several things to make me feel bad and make me go to her I never responded.

[torn_heart]

So an update .

So today I broke NC, what happened yesterday got me anxious and couldn't stand it. I sent her a congratulations for "women inegenieer day" and we just had a chat about careers. Still all friendly (with a little bit of ghosting) and nothing about relationship. 

I have some new excercises for the anxiety that I will try again. Just after I broke NC I texted my therapist and sent me these.

Still my therapist told me that maybe these little chats help me with my anxiety (it did on Sunday) and it might not be a bad idea to keep them, as long as they dont turn into something else, like talking about our relationship, because full NC was driving me nuts with anxiety. 

[Starswillshine]

Curious, you seem to have A LOT of female friends that you have pretty personal conversations with. Seems you all have a lack of boundaries which makes it no wonder all these people have cheated. 

[torn_heart]

So I have now an issue.

My gf keeps reaching out to me, and texts and calls me like she normally would, she isn't doing what she said whe would do during the break and I'm getting upset.

On the other hand, the OW reached out again last sunday telling me that she thinks she will never find someone like me, that she went out with someone during this (tortous) months but it was terrible, she asked me so I told her how I was doing, and for a moment she thought I would go back to her because I was on a break with my gf, but I told her that no, still she keeps telling me "love me, but just me". Before you ask, there's no possible scenario for me to go back into the affair, these couple of months have been of the worst of my life so I don't want to go through something like this ever again. We had that long chat on Sunday and after that we stopped speaking again, the difference here is that no one got mad.

I'm thinking of leaving the city for a 2-3 weeks, go to an AirBnb in the beach and just work from there, and that way I can show that I'm serious about having time for myself. What do you think?

 

[torn_heart]

OK, so I totally screwed up.

The OW reach out to me and we agreed on going to dinner, during dinner we totally fell for each other again, now she wants keep seeing each other while I'm on my break, and now I have to break her again because I made all these mistakes, I'm feeling terrible about everything, I feel I failed everyone (therapist, ex-gf, OW and myself).

I really just want to run away from all this, but I know I have to face everything and risk everything, because I really screwed up, I fell because I had an anxiety attack just at the right time and thought that maybe this time would be different but I now feel she is even more into me. 

During dinner I told her that my therpaist told me I was polyamorous and now she is sending me a bunch of articles about it, when I never proposed the lifestyle (I think I am, but I'm ready not to accept me like that).

I don't ask for advice, because I know exactly what I have to do, but I need to write it. Damn!!! I need this to stop.

[torn_heart]

So I did what had to be done. I saw her today, I told her that I caouldn't have a relationship yet, she got just too mad, because she thought that not having my GF meant that everything was going to be OK, but even during the week bith felt just weird, I couldn't speak/write to her as I used to, neither did she. So she got mad, she told me life is way more simple and that I'm complicating things way too much. I know she is explosive, but basically it fells right, I know I'm behaving erraticacally and becaus of that I have to keep away so I don't hurt more. 

It didn't feel as bad as other times, for neither of us, but more permanent. 

To be quite honest, I have to keep working on myself, I've gained weight during this time so I have to work out, diet, therapy, etc. And if afterwards I still find the need to go after her, and I'm still single, I'll do everything in my power to gain her back. 

I do believe this is the end of the story for some time, still for everyone reading and everyone who commented, thank you. If something relevant happens I'll update (as usual)