Fell for the OW

[spiderowl]

I find it hard to have sympathy for you when you have been playing your girlfriend along all this time.  I feel for her actually.

It's a shame you feel for this other woman.  She was cheating too so maybe you are suited to each other.

It seems you have some choices: whether to stay with your long-term girlfriend and not say anything; to stay with her and tell her what has happened; to leave her and see if anything can develop with your OW.  None of these seem very nice for your girlfriend, sadly.

Will you be able to just give up on the OW or are you always going to be secretly chasing her?  If so, I think you should free your present girlfriend as she deserves better.  You would also need to be free before the OW would consider you and, as you know, that does not mean she would get back together with you.

I think you are struggling here because you know that you'd have to take the risk of being alone and this is something you have tried to avoid at all costs so far.

 

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I find it hard to have sympathy for you when you have been playing your girlfriend along all this time.  I feel for her actually.

It's a shame you feel for this other woman.  She was cheating too so maybe you are suited to each other.

It seems you have some choices: whether to stay with your long-term girlfriend and not say anything; to stay with her and tell her what has happened; to leave her and see if anything can develop with your OW.  None of these seem very nice for your girlfriend, sadly.

Will you be able to just give up on the OW or are you always going to be secretly chasing her?  If so, I think you should free your present girlfriend as she deserves better.  You would also need to be free before the OW would consider you and, as you know, that does not mean she would get back together with you.

I think you are struggling here because you know that you'd have to take the risk of being alone and this is something you have tried to avoid at all costs so far.

 

Thanks for posting.

Right now I'm not with my GF, last thing happened was that the OW reach out and got hyped thinking having a break with my GF meant I was getting back with her which wasn't the case and hence what happened on Friday. 

[torn_heart]

22 minutes ago, S2B said:

Seems love key you like to use wine for your entertainment.

Best to begin new habits by being honest with women you date.

I don't get the first line...

And about being honest with women I date, it's not a new habit, I've been honest with the most of my life except for this affair and only ñying to my GF, but yes, I've recovered that good habit.

[mark clemson]

On 7/16/2021 at 7:17 PM, torn_heart said:

I saw her today, I told her that I caouldn't have a relationship yet, she got just too mad, because she thought that not having my GF meant that everything was going to be OK, but even during the week bith felt just weird, I couldn't speak/write to her as I used to, neither did she. So she got mad, she told me life is way more simple and that I'm complicating things way too much.

It's to be expected - many people don't handle breakups particularly maturely. You're taking away her candy. However, she has a husband/BF to go back to, and if you don't want to be her AP any more due to it distressing you, then leaving is absolutely the right thing to do (for you). There are times when taking a bit of a breather from relationships until your head clears is a wise move, and it sounds like you may be at that point right now.

[torn_heart]

11 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It's to be expected - many people don't handle breakups particularly maturely. You're taking away her candy. However, she has a husband/BF to go back to, and if you don't want to be her AP any more due to it distressing you, then leaving is absolutely the right thing to do (for you). There are times when taking a bit of a breather from relationships until your head clears is a wise move, and it sounds like you may be at that point right now.

She doesn't a H/BF since Feb last year, not because of me, since they were in another country, but because they make their relationship work, months later she found out that he never got divorced from his previous wife, so now there's no way for reconciliation. But yes, I'm almost with my head clear but yesterday was just terrible. Lately my anxiety just comes in on Sundays (it's when I used to see her), but after what happened on Friday it came with a vengeance, at least some friends and my therapist were there to catch me (really telling my secret to some of my most trustful friends helped a lot). I didn't contact her though, I still think I need the time, but I believe she is in the "permanent break up" mind and that's what broke me yesterday.

[spiderowl]

Your therapist seems all too eager to diagnose you with various things rather than work through your feelings with you.  I guess I don't know what type of therapist she is, but I can't see how that is helping you.

What you have done is exactly what a lot of cheaters do.  You have a steady partner at home that provides affection, stability, and emotional security (if not financial at the moment), and she is effectively mum at home.  You have been going out and playing with the fun kid across the street, the one that is a little bit daring and more unpredictable than mum.  You've been having an adventure!

I'd like to say you should be faithful to your girlfriend and that's it.  However, you are clearly not satisfied with her, only need her for security, so what part do you really want her to play in your life?  It's not fair on her.

I suspect part of your dilemma and personal agony here is that the OW is adventurous, has been pretty unfaithful, and is clearly a totally unsuitable long-term partner.  Is it possible that you feel, deep down, that she is only suitable for adventure and fun?  Basically, I get the feeling you do not trust her.  There is no reason why you should trust her, of course, because she has shown herself not to be trustworthy or stable.

It seems neither woman is suitable for you.  I feel pretty certain that the OW will tell your girlfriend at some point, when she's sufficiently upset - and that could be at any time.  Are you feeling anxious about that possibility?  I know you don't want to tell your girlfriend - and who would want to face the fallout of that - but you must be aware at some level of the risk that the OW will force the issue.

What is your anxiety about?  Some possibilities:

1) Your girlfriend finding out and leaving

2) Not knowing which one to choose

3) The OW being attractive to you despite her behavioural problems

4) Picking the wrong woman

5) Ending up being alone without either of them.

It sounds like you are trying to shut them both out, for the moment, to see if it clears your head.  That is not a bad idea.  The same hooks are likely to draw you in again, though.

Basically, your current relationship is hanging by a thread.  Your girlfriend may not want to reunite.  If she does, then the whole thing could blow up anyway when the OW tells her what is happening.

Are you afraid of what the OW might do?

All this is rumbling away in your unconscious mind and you are feeling pulled in so many directions.  I think the fact that the OW is very unpredictable means you have so much more to deal with mentally.  Eventually, the confusion of all this will force you to make a decision which will resolve this situation.  People cannot stand the tension of chaos or uncertainty for long without trying to resolve it.  At the moment, you are still feeling pulled and pushed in all directions. 

 

Edited July 20, 2021 by spiderowl

[torn_heart]

So after having decreased the anxiety (from my starting point, yesterday and today haven't been very good days, but much better than when this whole mess started), and now missing my OW much more than before, but knowing I need to work on  my self my therapist told me it's time to wor on the hard part:

Something that has kept with me since @BaileyB post it somewhere: cheaters are non confrontative people, and it's true:

1) I mostly go with what my GF or date wants if they have something in mind, because I don't want to screw up

2) When things get difficult I tend to give everthing from me just so they don't leave

3) My very first girlfriend I didn't broke up with her, I just stop talking to her (by the end she was in another school)

4) I've broken up with people but it takes a lot from me, a lot.

5) Normally I silence myself from telling women I date or I'm in a relationship with things I dislike, that might bring conflict. So this can be the point where those things I didn't tell my GF that we were missing I found them in another person, and I decided to enter an affair instead of telling my GF what I wasn't liking about our relationship.

6) My GF at somepoint offered me a break, I didn't take t because I didn't want her to feel bad and didn't want to be left alone

7) When I was in the affair at somepoint I went more public, in my mind (no, not unconscious) if I get caught it was better for me, it would save the fact to tell my GF and immediately (I thought) my anxiety would leave me. The fact is, I never got caught, I never told my GF because it would be the easiest way to break up with her, but it would also mean she might close the door forever.

My therapis has told me that this is a chain, it comes from low self steem, inscurity, and other things that we are going to dig out. 

 

[torn_heart]

4 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Your therapist seems all too eager to diagnose you with various things rather than work through your feelings with you.  I guess I don't know what type of therapist she is, but I can't see how that is helping you.

What you have done is exactly what a lot of cheaters do.  You have a steady partner at home that provides affection, stability, and emotional security (if not financial at the moment), and she is effectively mum at home.  You have been going out and playing with the fun kid across the street, the one that is a little bit daring and more unpredictable than mum.  You've been having an adventure!

I'd like to say you should be faithful to your girlfriend and that's it.  However, you are clearly not satisfied with her, only need her for security, so what part do you really want her to play in your life?  It's not fair on her.

I suspect part of your dilemma and personal agony here is that the OW is adventurous, has been pretty unfaithful, and is clearly a totally unsuitable long-term partner.  Is it possible that you feel, deep down, that she is only suitable for adventure and fun?  Basically, I get the feeling you do not trust her.  There is no reason why you should trust her, of course, because she has shown herself not to be trustworthy or stable.

It seems neither woman is suitable for you.  I feel pretty certain that the OW will tell your girlfriend at some point, when she's sufficiently upset - and that could be at any time.  Are you feeling anxious about that possibility?  I know you don't want to tell your girlfriend - and who would want to face the fallout of that - but you must be aware at some level of the risk that the OW will force the issue.

What is your anxiety about?  Some possibilities:

1) Your girlfriend finding out and leaving

2) Not knowing which one to choose

3) The OW being attractive to you despite her behavioural problems

4) Picking the wrong woman

5) Ending up being alone without either of them.

It sounds like you are trying to shut them both out, for the moment, to see if it clears your head.  That is not a bad idea.  The same hooks are likely to draw you in again, though.

Basically, your current relationship is hanging by a thread.  Your girlfriend may not want to reunite.  If she does, then the whole thing could blow up anyway when the OW tells her what is happening.

Are you afraid of what the OW might do?

All this is rumbling away in your unconscious mind and you are feeling pulled in so many directions.  I think the fact that the OW is very unpredictable means you have so much more to deal with mentally.  Eventually, the confusion of all this will force you to make a decision which will resolve this situation.  People cannot stand the tension of chaos or uncertainty for long without trying to resolve it.  At the moment, you are still feeling pulled and pushed in all directions. 

 

First of all, sorry, I don't know how to substract part of the quote and reply to it part by part. 

You have said it:

My GF is someone I see myself in the long term. As I've said before, I just feel I'm living a relationship like a 50 year old while in my late 30s.

OW is adventurous, I have a lot in common with her, it's like this side of me that went into hiding when I graduated college.  But yes, I can't see a long term relationship with her, she is too unstable, some signs of narcisitic behavior, but still, last few times she was telling me she wanted to do heavy drugs with me (I've never taken them, and I'm not interested, still I said "maybe") and other things that sounded cool, things my GF would never do (I've asked)

A while ago I thought for a moment OW might tell my GF, but she is the one that asked me, when this whole mess started, to never tell her, and I don't think she can get any more upset. And look, if she does, I got it coming. For me, at the beginning, when I was 80% sure to leave everything for OW I might have told her just to make it quick.

My anxiety is about this, and bare with me this chain of thought, that will read like an addict:

"I want to be with the OW, but I don't want to hurt my GF that loves me very much and I love, but OW is pushing me to act fast, what can I do? Is this healthy? I need to go after her, but she has two kids, if I hurt my GF and the OW enters my life, how I will deal with the two kids? how will I travel? how will I go to NYC (I'm from another country and I like to go there)? The biological father hates me, it's gonna be difficult. No, OW is not for me, but I like her, I miss her, I want to be with her, but I don't want to hurt my GF I love, and she loves me very much, but we almost don't do anything, when I picture travelling or having great sex I see the OW not her, but the OW is not for me" and so on. It's like an addiction. 

As I've told some other people here, writing has helped, has helped me to track my chain of thought and the resolutions I've made. 

My mind is almost clear, still I think I want to take that trip to the beach to work from there a couple of weeks. I've been working from home since march 2020 (as most of us I think) but the toll of living alone and the breakup with the OW which at some point I saw more than my GF during this has brought me the need to change location at least for a couple of weeks. 

[torn_heart]

On 7/20/2021 at 1:39 AM, S2B said:

Why can’t you be on your own for a long while? Work on your conflict avoiding methods.

work on handing all of YOUR power to women - and how that harms you and the relationship - and how to do contrary behavior. Begin by taking your power back.

staying away from all women (dating) until you get to know how to become stronger yourself and express your own feelings within a relationship… that’s a healthy plan.

Also learn to meditate… that’s a game changer for folks with anxiety. Yoga is a good tool too.

This would be the "rational" thing to do, but I'm everything but rational since the break-up. A couple of days ago my therapist told me that I've also been toxic with OW, and it's true, it has been too much drama and it has teared me apart, never had something like this happen to me (38 yo)

I'm falling down, I'm thinking of contacting my GF that we aren't gettin back together, and go looking for OW. I'm having a terrible day.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm just stopping by to encourage you. It's great that you are in therapy and taking it seriously. You are courageous for posting it here. Give yourself some credit for the positive steps you have taken so far. 

On the same token, you had some set backs especially with the OW. That is totally normal to have set backs. The most important thing after a set back is to course correct and get back on track, which you've done. So again, give yourself another pat on the back for this.

I think therapy is a journey. It takes time. There will be ups and downs, failures and successes. Just stay with it, and try not to beat yourself up too badly when you make mistakes. You are in the process of learning afterall. You are bound to make mistakes. If you learn from them, get back on track, and keep moving forward, that is what success looks like. 

I think that when we make a mistake, and then criticize ourself too harshly, it can actually have the affect of pushing ourself more off course. The guilt and shame of the mistake can lead us to old comforting behaviors, which actually sabotage our progress. 

Case in point, you're down on yourself for slipping up with OW, and now you feel like you want to resume those old comforting behaviors of gf and ow. 

Recognize why you're feeling as you do. Consider if you've been harshly criticized in the past (as a kid?). Are those old critical comments now showing up in your own voice in your head?

Instead, do the more loving thing for yourself, which is to forgive yourself. Acknowledge you made a mistake, but you're doing the best you can, and commit that you will keep moving in a positive direction for yourself. Accept that you, like everyone, will make mistakes. As long as you keep moving forward, learning and growing, you are winning. Be kind to yourself and your journey will be a little bit easier for you. 💜

[torn_heart]

21 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I'm just stopping by to encourage you. It's great that you are in therapy and taking it seriously. You are courageous for posting it here. Give yourself some credit for the positive steps you have taken so far. 

On the same token, you had some set backs especially with the OW. That is totally normal to have set backs. The most important thing after a set back is to course correct and get back on track, which you've done. So again, give yourself another pat on the back for this.

I think therapy is a journey. It takes time. There will be ups and downs, failures and successes. Just stay with it, and try not to beat yourself up too badly when you make mistakes. You are in the process of learning afterall. You are bound to make mistakes. If you learn from them, get back on track, and keep moving forward, that is what success looks like. 

I think that when we make a mistake, and then criticize ourself too harshly, it can actually have the affect of pushing ourself more off course. The guilt and shame of the mistake can lead us to old comforting behaviors, which actually sabotage our progress. 

Case in point, you're down on yourself for slipping up with OW, and now you feel like you want to resume those old comforting behaviors of gf and ow. 

Recognize why you're feeling as you do. Consider if you've been harshly criticized in the past (as a kid?). Are those old critical comments now showing up in your own voice in your head?

Instead, do the more loving thing for yourself, which is to forgive yourself. Acknowledge you made a mistake, but you're doing the best you can, and commit that you will keep moving in a positive direction for yourself. Accept that you, like everyone, will make mistakes. As long as you keep moving forward, learning and growing, you are winning. Be kind to yourself and your journey will be a little bit easier for you. 💜

Thank you very much for your words. Now more than any other time in my life I understand the part of learning from my  mistakes (for some reason I've always thought of that phrase for work). You are right, I want to get better and I will get better. 

Today, after my post I started to think several things (yeah, it was a horrible episode and my therapist wasn't there):

1) A friend told me that if I don't really stop and block all contact this might turn into an obsession, I looked it up, and yes, I'm almost there, even though I kept NC for some weeks, still I kept looking at her FB and things like that. I really need to stop that. If not it's not only her or my gf that I'll drive away, but friends too.

2) I can't stop thinking about the role of the lockup this has played on me. Really, I've read that people who live alone took it worse, and at the beginning for me it was peanuts (I really liked working from home and stay at home before the lockup) but the toll of meeting her so frequently during that time made me really dependant and that's why It's so difficult for me to let her go, and even risk everything I've got. Today, the man who could be alone all the time before lockup feels like a scary kid left alone in his house thinking about OW, that's how I feel.

3) YEs, my issues go way before this, and I think the metal state this has put me in is making everything in my head explode and come up. Every single therapy session I'm missing hours, I'd keep talking and talking... I wonder if I have to change therapist. Just a little FYI, even before the affair I've thought I needed therapy, but never took it, it has been a new year's resolution for sometime and it's the first time I'm fulfilling it. And even in HS I thought of studying psychology, but math was my pull since elementary. 

4) I think I have to let her go, so I don't hurt anyone anymore, get better metally, physically (I've gained weight since all this started) and spiritually. Define what I want in life, and if she still comes up just try it, but while being single. Don't know when I could say I'm "fine"mentally, but maybe it will be when I just don't think about all this. 

 

 

Edited July 23, 2021 by torn_heart

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Contrary action would do you good. Do opposite of everything you normally do. That will get you different results. Even sleeping in the other side of the bed will be a change - and change is needed. So do changes in all areas of your life.

leaning on women to support you and fix what’s empty in your life is backwards. You need to do this FOR YOURSELF first.

Only then will you be open to a healthy relationship.

 

I like that idea.

And yes I know I have to stay away from romantic relationships for a while. 

[torn_heart]

So, it has been a couple of tough days (actually whole week has been terrible, at least not as bad as when this whole mess started)

Ive cried a couple of times this weekend, triggered by some music and I watched Ted Lasso. There's a plot about separation/divorce that got me. I think I understand now that my whole anxiety is not triggered particularly by ex-OW, but by the fact that I haven't been happy with my GF for some time. Yes, it's a safe relationship, a peaceful one, but I haven't been happy for quite some time. 

I might have mistaken happiness with peacefulness, but no, it's different. 

So I feel that now I realize that I need to do is to totally break up with my GF, let us go. This is not to get back with ex-OW, at least not immediately, she respresents a lot of what I want in a woman, but there's has been so much pain, she is dealing with the loss already (she is the kind of person that puts stories/status with a bunch of indirect hits to me). 

What gets to me is that I see my gf as so inoccent, so good and I can't think of causing her so much pain. 

I know my posts are erratic as hell, but that's my state of mind. 

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, torn_heart said:

So, it has been a couple of tough days (actually whole week has been terrible, at least not as bad as when this whole mess started)

Ive cried a couple of times this weekend, triggered by some music and I watched Ted Lasso. There's a plot about separation/divorce that got me. I think I understand now that my whole anxiety is not triggered particularly by ex-OW, but by the fact that I haven't been happy with my GF for some time. Yes, it's a safe relationship, a peaceful one, but I haven't been happy for quite some time. 

I might have mistaken happiness with peacefulness, but no, it's different. 

So I feel that now I realize that I need to do is to totally break up with my GF, let us go. This is not to get back with ex-OW, at least not immediately, she respresents a lot of what I want in a woman, but there's has been so much pain, she is dealing with the loss already (she is the kind of person that puts stories/status with a bunch of indirect hits to me). 

What gets to me is that I see my gf as so inoccent, so good and I can't think of causing her so much pain. 

I know my posts are erratic as hell, but that's my state of mind. 

you're making the same mistake so many WS make. You are allowing you GF to become (unbeknownst to her) a sacrificial lamb, not just for your happiness but for your OW as well.
 

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, pepperbird2 said:

you're making the same mistake so many WS make. You are allowing you GF to become (unbeknownst to her) a sacrificial lamb, not just for your happiness but for your OW as well.
 

Please elaborate, I'd really like to read more about this

[Prudence V]

On 7/25/2021 at 4:12 PM, torn_heart said:

So I feel that now I realize that I need to do is to totally break up with my GF, let us go. This is not to get back with ex-OW

This sounds healthy. Your R with your GF sounds codependent, at best. Your R with the xOW sounds toxic in its own way. Break up with both of them, with no promises of getting back together int he future, and spend time alone, reflecting on who you want to be, rather than who you want to be with. 
 

Once you’ve resolved your own inner conflicts, and are happy as a person within yourself, then - and only then - consider starting a relationship. A relationship should enhance your life, rather than act as a sticking plaster to cover up wounds. 

[torn_heart]

Hi!

Nothin really relevant, except that I've kept NC with ex-OW, but I've kept contact with my GF. She has reach out several times and it has been ok, difficult for both of us. Next week she is going to the city where her sister and niece live and I've told her that for those couple of weeks we really need NC and we will talk when she gets back.

I'm afraid of contacting ex-OW during that time, really really afraid. I've made some advances in what my issues are but haven't solved them, the pandemic has made me a person who is very afraid of being alone (before pandemic I didn't have this issue) and also, some childhood issues (cannot tell if it's the correct term in English) of abandonment and decision making. 

The anxiety of contacting the ex-OW is getting worse every day, because I miss her, the fact that me and my GF are on a break and she is going away and now I'm sure I have to break up. 

The toxicity of the ex-OW is something that terrifies me, I keep thinking that it might be my fault, but everyone who I've told the whole story (including my therapist and a common friend) say that it's her personality, but I didn't see this while we were on the affair, it all started with the breakup. 

So, in summary, making advances, anxiety is building, I have to stop it, and have to face the fear of being alone during these times and while I'm 38 and hurt my GF. I know all this has to be done, but it hasn't been easy. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

19 hours ago, torn_heart said:

have to face the fear of being alone during these times and...I know all this has to be done, but it hasn't been easy. 

My therapist would be proud of you. She would also remind you to ask yourself in your moments of struggle, "What do I need to give myself right now?"

Edited August 1, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Added give

[torn_heart]

26 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

My therapist would be proud of you. She would also remind you to ask yourself in your moments of struggle, "What do I need to give myself right now?"

I know what I want, but I'm also afraid to enter the dating game again.

I met my GF in my past job, and the relationship grew organically, I met my ex-OW in the MBA and also, the relationship gre organically, I've never used dating apps (I have a strong prejudice against them) and I don't know how to create new social circles during this pandemic. That's why thinking in a 3rd scenario has been so difficult.

Today has been terrible, Sundays are the worst days, it was the day it all revolved around ex-OW and my hands have been around her number all day, but I know I shouldn't text her if I know it can only bring a small relief and then cause more pain.

It's weird, it hurts she hasn't reach out, because it feels she doesn't miss me, but I also know that it's because she told me to reach her when I had sorted everything with my GF and was totally single, doing it before would just cause more pain and confussion for both and I know, I shouldn't do it at all.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Why are you thinking about dating? Is anxiety about dating one of the reasons you cling to your gf? Or are you wanting to date now?

If the former, not a great reason to stay in ac relationship with someone. If the latter, why so eager to start dating? From what I've read in your posts, I think you are a bit of a ways off of being ready to engage in another relationship. First, you should finish sorting out your primary relationship, which is the one with yourself. 

The question, "What do I need to give myself right now?" is not a question of what do you want for your life. Rather, it speaks to what do you need to give yourself to soothe your emotional state (e.g. feeling depressed or anxious).

It is a self-care question. It brings your attention to the present moment helping you examine what may be triggering you in that moment and what you need to do for yourself to soothe yourself through healthy behaviors.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

As for Sundays, maybe you should establish a routine specific for Sundays. Make a schedule for your Sundays that you will follow every week from wake to bedtime. Maybe after a few weeks you'll train your brain to focus on the things in your routine rather than the things you used to do with OW. 

To give you an idea of what I mean, my Sunday schedule routine every week might look something like:

8am wake, bathroom, walk dog, feed dog, unload dishwasher, cook breakfast, eat

9:10am leave for church

10:40am grocery shop, return home to put away groceries

11:15am organize meals for the week, do laundry and housework

1pm follow up on phone calls

2pm Go to gym

4pm return home, shower, rest

5pm start cooking a meal with leftovers for the week

6pm eat dinner

7pm watch some tv

8pm plan my week, pay bills online

9:30pm go to bed

See? It leaves very little time here to pine after another person if I have something to keep me going the whole day.

 

Edited August 2, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Pune to pine

[torn_heart]

16 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Why are you thinking about dating? Is anxiety about dating one of the reasons you cling to your gf? Or are you wanting to date now?

If the former, not a great reason to stay in ac relationship with someone. If the latter, why so eager to start dating? From what I've read in your posts, I think you are a bit of a ways off of being ready to engage in another relationship. First, you should finish sorting out your primary relationship, which is the one with yourself. 

The question, "What do I need to give myself right now?" is not a question of what do you want for your life. Rather, it speaks to what do you need to give yourself to soothe your emotional state (e.g. feeling depressed or anxious).

It is a self-care question. It brings your attention to the present moment helping you examine what may be triggering you in that moment and what you need to do for yourself to soothe yourself through healthy behaviors.

Yes, one of the reasons I cling to my GF (I've found out through therapy) is that I see her as a long ter partner, to be with and not be alone, so that part of not being alone is the important part. In my head must of the time it as GF or OW, and never thought of being alone, mainly because I don't want that dating game, I suck at it, it took me a lot of time to find my GF, but yes, she still doesn't have everything I'm looking for, that's why I got so attracted to the OW.

My therapist tells me that I don't know my worth and that's why I cannot see beyond them, and that my worth/self-steem is exactly my biggest problem, that I don't see myself capable of getting what I really want, so she is telling me that I need to let my teenager breathe (I'm in my midlife crisis) and meet new women, but ethically, not cheating.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@tornheart Well I don't see any reason to disagree with your therapist, especially since she's the expert and knows your situation better than anyone here can. 

Also, I think we are close in age.  I've been living alone for a long time and most of the time I think it's pretty freaking glorious!  My dog is a lot of company for me so I don't really feel totally alone. How about a cat for you? I think they are easier to care for than dogs. 

Seriously, there are a lot of positives to living alone!  It's not forever if you don't want it to be. 

[torn_heart]

5 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

@tornheart Well I don't see any reason to disagree with your therapist, especially since she's the expert and knows your situation better than anyone here can. 

Also, I think we are close in age.  I've been living alone for a long time and most of the time I think it's pretty freaking glorious!  My dog is a lot of company for me so I don't really feel totally alone. How about a cat for you? I think they are easier to care for than dogs. 

Seriously, there are a lot of positives to living alone!  It's not forever if you don't want it to be. 

Yes, I think I'll get a cat.

I've been living alone for quite some time, but the lockup really had an impact on me, before it I already worked from home 3-4 times a week, and it was totally fine, at the beginning it was very easy, but as time progressed, I got together with OW this started to get very bad... I thought of getting a place with my GF, but then she lost her job and just distanced herself from us, and I got more involved with OW. Now I really suffer being alone, this has never happened to me before. I'm literally crying right now.

Edited August 3, 2021 by torn_heart

[spiritedaway2003]

56 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Yes, I think I'll get a cat.

I've been living alone for quite some time, but the lockup really had an impact on me, before it I already worked from home 3-4 times a week, and it was totally fine, at the beginning it was very easy, but as time progressed, I got together with OW this started to get very bad... I thought of getting a place with my GF, but then she lost her job and just distanced herself from us, and I got more involved with OW. Now I really suffer being alone, this has never happened to me before. I'm literally crying right now.

(((Hugs)))
Keep working it out with your therapist.  Focus on what you need to do to get back to a healthy state of mind, and that includes being comfortable being by yourself and not defining yourself through the lens of a relationship.  

From the outside looking in, it’s clear what is happening.  You were with your girlfriend because you care about her and see a future with her (and where you don’t have to be alone), but you don’t love her the way you do with OW.  I think you made the right decision to end that relationship due to those feelings and the overwhelming guilt from the affair. 

You love your OW but she also brings a level of toxicity (which she also experienced from your mixed messages).  If you ended your relationship with your gf and wanted to give it a legitimate shot with your OW, you can. The only one stopping you is …you.  On some level,  you don’t think things could work out with the OW, so you are looking to escape that by looking into dating again.  

Slow it all down. Before you attempt to date again, close out all the open chapters.  Close the book on your GF.  If you want to start on a clean slate, then close out that chapter with your OW too (by having an adult conversation). Don’t leave things hanging. 

Pay attention to destructive patterns. You are still doing to your OW what you did to your GF.  You didn’t end your relationship with your GF first, for fear of hurting people (or because you didn’t know how to end a relationship?)   That fear is what led you straight to the affair, which is what is causing you so much pain.  Work on dealing with conflicts.

Take a break from dating and relationships.  Take time to understand your own wants and needs. 

If you want to be with your gf, then be.  If you want to be with your OW, then pursue it. Make a decision.  Try to understand your motivation and let not loneliness be the driver of those decisions.  

You will be ok.

Edited August 3, 2021 by spiritedaway2003