Fell for the OW

[torn_heart]

37 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

(((Hugs)))
Keep working it out with your therapist.  Focus on what you need to do to get back to a healthy state of mind, and that includes being comfortable being by yourself and not defining yourself through the lens of a relationship.  

From the outside looking in, it’s clear what is happening.  You were with your girlfriend because you care about her and see a future with her (and where you don’t have to be alone), but you don’t love her the way you do with OW.  I think you made the right decision to end that relationship due to those feelings and the overwhelming guilt from the affair. 

You love your OW but she also brings a level of toxicity (which she also experienced from your mixed messages).  If you ended your relationship with your gf and wanted to give it a legitimate shot with your OW, you can. The only one stopping you is …you.  On some level,  you don’t think things could work out with the OW, so you are looking to escape that by looking into dating again.  

Slow it all down. Before you attempt to date again, close out all the open chapters.  Close the book on your GF.  If you want to start on a clean slate, then close out that chapter with your OW too (by having an adult conversation). Don’t leave things hanging. 

Pay attention to destructive patterns. You are still doing to your OW what you did to your GF.  You didn’t end your relationship with your GF first, for fear of hurting people (or because you didn’t know how to end a relationship?)   That fear is what led you straight to the affair, which is what is causing you so much pain.  Work on dealing with conflicts.

Take a break from dating and relationships.  Take time to understand your own wants and needs. 

If you want to be with your gf, then be.  If you want to be with your OW, then pursue it. Make a decision.  Try to understand your motivation and let not loneliness be the driver of those decisions.  

You will be ok.

Thanks for your kind words.

Yes I know I brought some toxicity to my ex-OW that's why I also know I have to stay away from her, so I don't hurt her anymore unless I'm serious about trying something with her, for that I would need to close everything with my GF.

Still I think I need to be alone. I just need to control this anxiety, and don't fall victim to it, that it makes me close the chapter with my GF through a phone call (she is in another city with her family) and go looking for the OW immedealty, that's the urge I've been figting most of the time since this nightmare started.

 

Today, even though we are on a break, my GF contacted me telling me she had a job interview... I think she thinks it's SHE the one with the problem, even though I told her I needed time because I'm going through a crisis. I feel terrible about it.

Edited August 3, 2021 by torn_heart

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I think she thinks it's SHE the one with the problem, even though I told her I needed time because I'm going through a crisis. I feel terrible about it.

She has her own problems, just as you have yours. As I noted earlier, it is a co-dependent relationship, where you are both using each other to compensate for your own issues. You fixing your issues will not address her issues for her - however much you want to - just as her finding work / addressing her own issues is not going to fix your issues for you. You both *independently* need to work on your own issues and heal yourselves, as individuals. 
 

Only once you are comfortable being alone will you be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. And, once you are comfortable being alone, you will want to choose as your partner someone who is also healthy and whole, to have a healthy, non-codependent, non-toxic relationship. Neither of your current Rs is healthy. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Only once you are comfortable being alone will you be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. And, once you are comfortable being alone, you will want to choose as your partner someone who is also healthy and whole, to have a healthy, non-codependent, non-toxic relationship. Neither of your current Rs is healthy. 

That’s the thing. If you were in a healthy place yourself OP, I doubt that you would have ever let this OW into your life. Healthy people tend not to invite unhealthy things/people into their lives. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Well I can certainly relate to how the lockdown has effected you and then breaking it off with OW. I think these are two things that make anyone feel lonely so maybe it's not that you have a problem so much with living alone but you are dealing wutg the stress of these two events. 

I dealt with the hardest part of ending everything with xMM prepandemic. It was hard. Add to that the lockdown and pandemic stresses and it certainly explains your upset. 

I'm in a fairly liberal area as far as lockdowns go.  We can pretty much do whatever we want. I am grateful for it because it has been rough even under lax circumstances. I can't imagine how much more imtense the stress has been for people with stricter lockdown policies.  Still, even though I can move about at will, I still stay home a lot more to avoid exposure. I wear my mask when out even though it's uncomfortable. I feel restricted because I don't want to expose myself to unnecessary risk especially with the delta variant. Are these the types of things that are stressing you, too?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

21 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I just need to control this anxiety

Ironically, trying to control your anxiety might produce more anxiety. I've learned from therapy that when I resolve the root cause of my anxiety, my anxiety just began to disappear.

I'm sharing an example from my own experience to expound:

For a long time I would get anxiety when I had an event for which the outcome was important to me such as an exam or a court paper.  In therapy one day I realized much of my anxiety was from the pressure I put on myself to perform--like if I didn't do a perfect job then catastrophy would result; this was a pattern of thinking that developed from my childhood. As a kid, if I didn't succeed and be the best (better than all my peers), my parents rejected me. I was condemned, shamed, love withheld. It set me up for anxiety to perform as an adult which could sabotage me through procrastination. Hope this helps. You might find similar types of patterns in yourself through your therapy. 

[torn_heart]

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Well I can certainly relate to how the lockdown has effected you and then breaking it off with OW. I think these are two things that make anyone feel lonely so maybe it's not that you have a problem so much with living alone but you are dealing wutg the stress of these two events. 

I dealt with the hardest part of ending everything with xMM prepandemic. It was hard. Add to that the lockdown and pandemic stresses and it certainly explains your upset. 

I'm in a fairly liberal area as far as lockdowns go.  We can pretty much do whatever we want. I am grateful for it because it has been rough even under lax circumstances. I can't imagine how much more imtense the stress has been for people with stricter lockdown policies.  Still, even though I can move about at will, I still stay home a lot more to avoid exposure. I wear my mask when out even though it's uncomfortable. I feel restricted because I don't want to expose myself to unnecessary risk especially with the delta variant. Are these the types of things that are stressing you, too?

I could do a lot of things, but people around her aren't taking things seriously and I see my family regularly so I stay at home a lot to avoid exposure. My closest friends do the same, so we almost don't see each other, I think if I see 2 friends in a week is too much, so yes, it is very difficult.

[torn_heart]

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Ironically, trying to control your anxiety might produce more anxiety. I've learned from therapy that when I resolve the root cause of my anxiety, my anxiety just began to disappear.

I'm sharing an example from my own experience to expound:

For a long time I would get anxiety when I had an event for which the outcome was important to me such as an exam or a court paper.  In therapy one day I realized much of my anxiety was from the pressure I put on myself to perform--like if I didn't do a perfect job then catastrophy would result; this was a pattern of thinking that developed from my childhood. As a kid, if I didn't succeed and be the best (better than all my peers), my parents rejected me. I was condemned, shamed, love withheld. It set me up for anxiety to perform as an adult which could sabotage me through procrastination. Hope this helps. You might find similar types of patterns in yourself through your therapy. 

The root of my anxiety is that even though I know I know I shouldn't I miss OW a lot, and everyday is the struggle to go after her.

Yesterday ex-OW reach out throught text to see how I was doing and told her that I was "fine", that this time alone was something I needed, that work and family are great, she told me that I sounded much better that the las time we spoke and I asked her about her, and she told me the father of her kids was arriving the same day, and other things. I replied with some questions, and then she didn't reply until 12 hours later, I was the last text she sent before going to sleep, so I feel I'm being played again:

- Contating me exatly 2 weeks after last time we spoke, same day the father of her kids arrives

- Text back and forth in seconds and then silence until I'm the last text she sends before going to sleep

That's the kind of things I feel are toxic/manipulative, can't help the feeling friends are coaching her on what to do ("it's been 2 weeks, now reach out", "ok now don't reply until night"), I told my therapist and says that she is glad that I can now read all this.

Edited August 4, 2021 by torn_heart

[solostand]

Hugs. You'll be ok. You really will. This too shall pass.

So, from reading your thread, it seems to me, as a Mom of a man probably your age, that what is holding you back is fear. Fear is the lowest vibration. It holds you at the bottom in life. Love for yourself that spills over to everyone else in the world is the highest vibration.

It seems to me your fear is preventing you from making a decision, any decision, so you are just willing to go with the flow to wherever it takes you and decisions are being made for you.

Don't do that.

Make a decision. You'll feel better immediatly. Then do it.

It doesn't seem to me that the gf is the right woman for you. You were cheating on her and in love with someone else. I've been in love before and the last thing on my mind was cheating on my partner. 

But it is you life to make, and your path to take, but remember, this too shall pass, and your future holds unbelievable joy if you allow it in.

[pepperbird2]

I'm glad you're working on yourself, and I agree that you need to get yourself sorted before you get involved with anyone else. Not just or yourself, but for them too.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I also meant to tell you to go ahead and get that cat. I hope you'll pick one from a shelter. There are so many sweet, wonderful pets in shelters deserving of a good home. 

I think Kitty Cuddles might do some wonders for you! 😻😸

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I also meant to tell you to go ahead and get that cat. I hope you'll pick one from a shelter. There are so many sweet, wonderful pets in shelters deserving of a good home. 

I think Kitty Cuddles might do some wonders for you! 😻😸

good idea, and OP, even if you don't have time for a pet cat of your own, there's so many shelters that can use a helping hand.

[torn_heart]

Thanks everyone.

Since sunday it has been the lowest of the low. 

I feel my ex-OW is playing games, and I'm tarting to get really mad, I don't know why she reached me only to play mind games with me?

As I said, there have eben times I'm on the fence of dropping everything and go to her, BUT right now I feel I'd be going to her and maybe she is just doing this to humillate me. 

Yes, my biggest fear, before being alone, has been to renounce my GF which I see a long term relationship with her, and enter a relationship with a woman who does this kind of things. 

Right now, to be totally honest, and thinking just about myself, I'd just cut everything with my GF and go to OW just for this anxiety to stop once and for all!!!

I know I wouldn't be doing the best thing, but it would stop the damn feeling.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm going through hell right now, I can't believe a little chat did this to me.

Edited August 4, 2021 by torn_heart

[spiderowl]

It's easy to say make a decision - and some people are that decisive and are sure about their decisions - but others take longer to come to conclusions.

I saw an interesting programme on TV about the Brain.  I think it was a programme by David Eagleman, but I don't have the exact reference.  In that programme, there was an experiment whereby he was put in a functional Magnetic Resonance Scanner for live monitoring of his brain whilst he made decisions.  From what I remember, the decisions were binary: right or left, or something like that.  Looking at the outcome of the scan, the researcher showed that the experimentee appeared to be making decisions at an unconscious level (changes appear on the scan) BEFORE the experimentee became aware of his own decision and implemented the right or left answer by clicking a button.  The interesting thing about this, for me if not others, was that decisions appear to be made unconsciously and then become conscious.  I surmise that some people are quicker to make decisions unconsciously and that these people are well known to be fast decision makers; others find their unconscious processing is slower or more complicated - possibly affected by emotional needs - and therefore are seen as slower decision makers (I just know I'm in the latter category!)

So, all this suggests to me that your conflict is unconscious and is ongoing.  The question is why?  It may be that you have hit the nail on the head when you say you have never been fully happy with your girlfriend.  Giving up on security is a big thing.  Are you with her because you love her and could not be without her, or are you with her because she provides security?

While your unconscious mind is being pulled in two different directions due to your needs, it would not be fair to swing back and forth between these women.  Until you have resolved this on a deeper level, you will remain conflicted and just mess them about.  One of our (now infamous) UK ex-political aides accused the Prime Minister of being like a supermarket trolley, crashing about from one side of the aisle to the other in response to feedback from the media.  I must admit, I do get that impression about your state at the moment, a bit out of control and crashing about.

You have messed these women about has because of your emotional conflict and they will realise eventually that the minute you start to prioritise them, you switch and start distancing yourself.  This must be really hard on both of them, to be honest.

I do sympathise with you as well, actually, because it sounds very tortuous and I guess most of us are fortunate not to face such decisions where we are truly torn in half.

One thing to remember, which can be added to all the unconscious things going on - and sorry to say but it's not going to cheer you up - is that your girlfriend is eventually going to realise that your departure is serious and SHE will get fed up of agonising over it.  SHE will decide enough is enough and she will want to end the uncertainty with you.  Once she has flipped to finishing the relationship, your conflict will be over.  Sometimes this is how such dilemmas are resolved: someone else takes the decision out of your hands.  People cannot stand tension and uncertainty for ever.  Maybe you actually want someone else to make the decision for you.

Edited August 4, 2021 by spiderowl

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

 

You have messed these women about has because of your emotional conflict and they will realise eventually that the minute you start to prioritise them, you switch and start distancing yourself.  This must be really hard on both of them, to be honest.

I do sympathise with you as well, actually, because it sounds very tortuous and I guess most of us are fortunate not to face such decisions where we are truly torn in half.

One thing to remember, which can be added to all the unconscious things going on - and sorry to say but it's not going to cheer you up - is that your girlfriend is eventually going to realise that your departure is serious and SHE will get fed up of agonising over it.  SHE will decide enough is enough and she will want to end the uncertainty with you.  Once she has flipped to finishing the relationship, your conflict will be over.  Sometimes this is how such dilemmas are resolved: someone else takes the decision out of your hands.  People cannot stand tension and uncertainty for ever.  Maybe you actually want someone else to make the decision for you.

You are right.

Since the break up I have distanced myself from my GF, until the break, actually if we had sex three times, it's too much, she knows I'm going through a crisis, and I think she knows I'm at the point where I might leave. After I asked for the break, she started talking more than usual with friends and family, which everyone saw weir as she has always been very distant, she even bought the birthday present of a friends daughter 1 month before.

I know I've messed them, I it hurts, my guilt is not only from the affair, but for all this episode, I really did a number to ex-OW (and she to me) and I know that also my GF. This all started since the breakup and I have to finish this to stops messing them and myself up.

About someone making the decision for me, yes, as I've said, I'm a non-confrontative person, and to breakup with someone I care a lot, that I love, without having a fight or something like that is way too difficult. That's also why a lot of cheater want to get caught, it saves all the confrontational part.

My gf won't make the decision, because she is very passive, she is going through a rough patch and she knows I am too, and so... it hurts double to make the decision.

But to be honest, enough is enough... I have to close cycles.

[torn_heart]

Sometimes I feel like reading my thread and some others is like reading people going towards madness, I mean it's very helpful to write here, but this kind of forums show how we go from one place to the other in a snap. I want to hug everyone here who is in pain, at least the pandemic, and even olympics, have been helpful in putting the metal and emotional health front and center and everyone needs to take care of themselves.

[Prudence V]

11 hours ago, torn_heart said:

But to be honest, enough is enough... I have to close cycles.

You do. Neither of those women is a good fit for a healthy version of you. Each of them will trap you in an unhealthy place - you GF in codependency, and your (x)OW in a toxic space. The anxiety you feel now will only get worse, with either (or both) of these women in your life. Cut them both out now, for their own good and yours, so that you each have a chance of healing and finding a healthy R one day. 

[torn_heart]

Hi everyone.

So I had a relapse.

As I said, the ex-OW reached out, she has been playing games all week. Si. The day of co tact it started to get to me, next day a friend told me "it's because she wanted you to ask her out right away and you didn't" and, stupid me, tried the theory and it was that.

Ex-OW told me "yeah, let's meet only no kisses" (since the break up she is the one who startd the sexual interaction, not me, do the comment wasn't needed).

Since then she has been playing the "I won't reply to your texts until next day" game, and today to confirm our date she told me she went dancing yesterday, but she sounded happy about the date. So she is trying (successfully) to make me jealous, and today is my D-Day, I decide if I enter this toxic relationship to calm my stupid anxiety and definitely end things with my gf or just block OW from everywhere, but still living with my anxiety for a while, which is in a point that is impacting my work performance.

My mind knows what is best for me, but my anxiety gets me, although, it's also the anxiety that lets me know that I won't enter a double life again. 

I know OW is too toxic, now I know it's her personality, not my fault or the circumstances, still, I want to be with her.

 

 

 

[Prudence V]

2 hours ago, torn_heart said:

definitely end things with my gf or just block OW from everywhere

Why or? You need to do both. 

[torn_heart]

So, what hapenned:

I saw the ex-OW last week thinking that we would talk about the relationship... We didn't, we had an amazing time, we went to the movies, dinner, and drinks, she stayed at my place and left her at her own the next morning.

The following week we text at a normal rate, we met once during the week and we also didn't chat about the relationship, and we had a good time, she asked me to go with her on saturday to one errand, where she needed help, and in Friday I had sushi for dinner, but got intoxicated, during night I got waaay sick, fever, vomit, etc. I told her a couldn't go with her (with enough time).

During that day and Sunday (yesterday) she started again not replying to my texts, and started to be distant. Yesterday I told her, again, I was sorry that I got sick that I couldn't go with her and that I missed her, she didn't replied to the last part, I told her twice.

While, my ex-GF sent me a present because we would turn 8.5 years and also kept texting me non stop telling me that she wished she was here with me while I was sick.

I'm very sad, not anxious, at least for now, I was starting to think of the OW as a possible partner, but I can't be with ther if when I'm sick or down her move is tu go away... While my ex-GF is the oppposite.

 

[pepperbird2]

op,

The more I read your posts, the more ( and this is not meant as an insult, I promise) "immature" the whole thing sounds. It also sounds like part of you enjoys the drama of it all. That's pretty common- drama can be really exciting, and the push/pull dynamic may be very powerful. It even has a name- intermittent reinforcement- kind of like a slot machine. There's a lot of bad but just enough "good" to keep you hooked. Your mind thinks "Hell, if it worked once, maybe it can again" and you keep trying and trying and trying.

I'm no expert in psychology, but just a based on experience, I'm wondering if your OW might be living with borderline personality disorder? Some who do become experts in the push/pull dynamic. As for you, I would ask what it was like growing up. If there was lots of conflict, stress and "drama"? If there was, then that could explain the attraction. Just like water seeks its own level, people, without even realizing it, choose partners that re-create what they know. If we grew up in chaos, it's what we know and it's where we feel comfortable, sick as that may sound. I don't know why- it could even be that if one's brains sort of re-wires itself to expect conflict when they are small ( neuroplasticity),  this carries into adulthood.

We also tend to model our adult relationships on what we saw as kids. Did your parents have a happy relationship or was there lots of conflict and infidelity?
 

You've mentioned you've been seeing a therapist/counselor. What's their take on all of this?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Some relationships are as addictive and equally toxic as chemical substances. 

I'm going to share what I've learned and hope you take it to heart to help yourself. When a person feels pain but lacks the mechanisms to deal with that pain, a person resorts to addictive behaviors. In your case here, it's romantic relationships (especially OW). This addictive pull towards another in an effort to avoid pain is codependent. Codependency is getting overly involved with someone else and/or their life/problems as a way to avoid your own. Most people are not cognizant of what they are doing. A few who are cognizant still engage in the behavior out of compulsion because they lack the mechanisms to find an alternate way to deal with their pain. 

People engage in addictive behaviors to avoid or soothe their pain. There are other ways to deal with it but you'll have to learn them mostly in therapy. 

Your anxiety is the result of unprocessed, repressed emotions. Emotions can become like a small child being ignored--the more you try to ignore, the louder they scream. You really should work in therapy to identify these repressed emotions and then work through them with your therapist. This will relieve your anxiety for good. 

These repressed emotions have been there since before you met these ladies and they want to get out now. The more you fight addressing them, the more you will lean on addiction to quell the pain (including romantic relationships that aren't good for you), and the more your life will spin out of control. So I hope you see the sense of urgency here. 

What you are doing now is getting back into the painful dance with OW while keeping a hook in your gf. You are doing these ONLY because of your anxiety! ...the anxiety from not addressing your repressed emotions. Maybe you should try some somatic therapy techniques with your counselor. Ask your counselor about them, how they may best help you, and discuss a treatment plan so you can finally be free from your anxiety and start living your life pain free. Afterwards (with a good deal of your work over a period of time) you'll feel as light as a feather. 

Don't put it off. And put down your addiction to OW. You will not find any answers or long-term relief with her. Just short-term avoidance/repressed emotions which is only making you sicker emotionally and mentally. Get committed to addressing what you are running from inside, and you will see many positive developments in your life. 

[torn_heart]

10 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

The more I read your posts, the more ( and this is not meant as an insult, I promise) "immature" the whole thing sounds. It also sounds like part of you enjoys the drama of it all. That's pretty common- drama can be really exciting, and the push/pull dynamic may be very powerful. It even has a name- intermittent reinforcement- kind of like a slot machine. There's a lot of bad but just enough "good" to keep you hooked. Your mind thinks "Hell, if it worked once, maybe it can again" and you keep trying and trying and trying.

I'm no expert in psychology, but just a based on experience, I'm wondering if your OW might be living with borderline personality disorder? Some who do become experts in the push/pull dynamic. As for you, I would ask what it was like growing up. If there was lots of conflict, stress and "drama"? If there was, then that could explain the attraction. Just like water seeks its own level, people, without even realizing it, choose partners that re-create what they know. If we grew up in chaos, it's what we know and it's where we feel comfortable, sick as that may sound. I don't know why- it could even be that if one's brains sort of re-wires itself to expect conflict when they are small ( neuroplasticity),  this carries into adulthood.

We also tend to model our adult relationships on what we saw as kids. Did your parents have a happy relationship or was there lots of conflict and infidelity?
 

You've mentioned you've been seeing a therapist/counselor. What's their take on all of this?

I'm 99% sure my OW is a narcicist and my therapist tells me that I'm the perfect victim, that all this it's for press me to be with her and just give her the perfect family picture she wants (she has told me that she wants exactly that).

Yea, all this comes from my childhood, my parents got divorced when I was 11 because of infidelity from my father's part, my uncles never got "proper married" (one of them got married to a woman like my OW and got divorced in months) non of them had kids, my aunts were both cheated on also, one of them keeps married, the other one got divorced.

But the most important part is that I have childhood pains (don't know if it's the proper name) of abandonment, which makes me seek validation in other people for my self steem and own value, and that's why I always seek to be OK with OW.

 

 

[torn_heart]

5 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Some relationships are as addictive and equally toxic as chemical substances. 

I'm going to share what I've learned and hope you take it to heart to help yourself. When a person feels pain but lacks the mechanisms to deal with that pain, a person resorts to addictive behaviors. In your case here, it's romantic relationships (especially OW). This addictive pull towards another in an effort to avoid pain is codependent. Codependency is getting overly involved with someone else and/or their life/problems as a way to avoid your own. Most people are not cognizant of what they are doing. A few who are cognizant still engage in the behavior out of compulsion because they lack the mechanisms to find an alternate way to deal with their pain. 

People engage in addictive behaviors to avoid or soothe their pain. There are other ways to deal with it but you'll have to learn them mostly in therapy. 

Your anxiety is the result of unprocessed, repressed emotions. Emotions can become like a small child being ignored--the more you try to ignore, the louder they scream. You really should work in therapy to identify these repressed emotions and then work through them with your therapist. This will relieve your anxiety for good. 

These repressed emotions have been there since before you met these ladies and they want to get out now. The more you fight addressing them, the more you will lean on addiction to quell the pain (including romantic relationships that aren't good for you), and the more your life will spin out of control. So I hope you see the sense of urgency here. 

What you are doing now is getting back into the painful dance with OW while keeping a hook in your gf. You are doing these ONLY because of your anxiety! ...the anxiety from not addressing your repressed emotions. Maybe you should try some somatic therapy techniques with your counselor. Ask your counselor about them, how they may best help you, and discuss a treatment plan so you can finally be free from your anxiety and start living your life pain free. Afterwards (with a good deal of your work over a period of time) you'll feel as light as a feather. 

Don't put it off. And put down your addiction to OW. You will not find any answers or long-term relief with her. Just short-term avoidance/repressed emotions which is only making you sicker emotionally and mentally. Get committed to addressing what you are running from inside, and you will see many positive developments in your life. 

Exactly this, I know this is what's happening to me.

I've just started to work on this, sadly whenever OW comes back in the picture my therapy sessions take a long time in this OW dance, now I've blocked her from Social Networks so it shouldn't interrup again.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Exactly this, I know this is what's happening to me.

I've just started to work on this, sadly whenever OW comes back in the picture my therapy sessions take a long time in this OW dance, now I've blocked her from Social Networks so it shouldn't interrup again.

Right, because interacting with her is reactivating your trauma. Then you're resorting to old unconscious patterns to cope. 

I read my post to you to my therapist in my own session today. It helped me identify where I'm at in my own process. I'm starting to learn and practice self-soothing techniques to replace any compulsive behaviors that actually sabotage me. I am eager for the day I've mastered this. I feel I'll be nearly in total control of my emotional responses at that point.

One thing my therapist and I discussed today, which is the goal for myself (maybe for you also?) is that when I'm triggered by something:

1. Recognize the emotion

2. Ask myself if I can sit with it

3. Quietly observe what other emotions are coming up.

4. Ask myself if I can sit with those.

Eventually, a realization will surface and the emotions will dissipate.

An alternative is to ask myself what I need after identifying the emotion.

We discussed that it's important to not hold onto the negative emotion once I've identified it. I agreed that doing so releases a lot of chemicals into my body that are bad for my physical health if over a prolonged period. So the strategy then, is to identify the emotion, next ask what I need to do about the event that triggered it (ex. if someone did something to violate me like steal/insult/etc), then make a plan about how I will address it to protect myself and my interests, then let go of the emotion, and finally execute the plan to protect myself. 

Your story about your family (uncles, infidelity) parallels my family story. Most of us siblings didn't marry or have kids. I wrote about it on BrokenHeartedBB's thread. Keep posting. We learn from each other. I hope you refocus your efforts on your therapy and remind yourself that OW is your drug of demise. To break my attachment to MM, I used to repeat to myself, "Don't touch the hot stove."

[torn_heart]

My therapist also recommended me those excercises for when I have anxiety attacks. Right now I don't have them it's just sadness. I like the idea of not having the negative feeling, but it's really difficult to move out from them.

A couple of frinds told me that I shouldn't  block her without telling her anything, but I dont want to speak anymore, I had a bad time, she wasn't there, I can't coun on her, that's it. Maybe it's her personality, maybe she didn't believe me or maybe she remembered that I'm on a break and not fully broken up, don't know, either way, it was a terrible weekend. 

Do you think I should tell her something to explain why I'm blocking her? Let her reply?