Fell for the OW

[torn_heart]

26 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

My therapist would be proud of you. She would also remind you to ask yourself in your moments of struggle, "What do I need to give myself right now?"

I know what I want, but I'm also afraid to enter the dating game again.

I met my GF in my past job, and the relationship grew organically, I met my ex-OW in the MBA and also, the relationship gre organically, I've never used dating apps (I have a strong prejudice against them) and I don't know how to create new social circles during this pandemic. That's why thinking in a 3rd scenario has been so difficult.

Today has been terrible, Sundays are the worst days, it was the day it all revolved around ex-OW and my hands have been around her number all day, but I know I shouldn't text her if I know it can only bring a small relief and then cause more pain.

It's weird, it hurts she hasn't reach out, because it feels she doesn't miss me, but I also know that it's because she told me to reach her when I had sorted everything with my GF and was totally single, doing it before would just cause more pain and confussion for both and I know, I shouldn't do it at all.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Why are you thinking about dating? Is anxiety about dating one of the reasons you cling to your gf? Or are you wanting to date now?

If the former, not a great reason to stay in ac relationship with someone. If the latter, why so eager to start dating? From what I've read in your posts, I think you are a bit of a ways off of being ready to engage in another relationship. First, you should finish sorting out your primary relationship, which is the one with yourself. 

The question, "What do I need to give myself right now?" is not a question of what do you want for your life. Rather, it speaks to what do you need to give yourself to soothe your emotional state (e.g. feeling depressed or anxious).

It is a self-care question. It brings your attention to the present moment helping you examine what may be triggering you in that moment and what you need to do for yourself to soothe yourself through healthy behaviors.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

As for Sundays, maybe you should establish a routine specific for Sundays. Make a schedule for your Sundays that you will follow every week from wake to bedtime. Maybe after a few weeks you'll train your brain to focus on the things in your routine rather than the things you used to do with OW. 

To give you an idea of what I mean, my Sunday schedule routine every week might look something like:

8am wake, bathroom, walk dog, feed dog, unload dishwasher, cook breakfast, eat

9:10am leave for church

10:40am grocery shop, return home to put away groceries

11:15am organize meals for the week, do laundry and housework

1pm follow up on phone calls

2pm Go to gym

4pm return home, shower, rest

5pm start cooking a meal with leftovers for the week

6pm eat dinner

7pm watch some tv

8pm plan my week, pay bills online

9:30pm go to bed

See? It leaves very little time here to pine after another person if I have something to keep me going the whole day.

 

Edited August 2, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Pune to pine

[torn_heart]

16 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Why are you thinking about dating? Is anxiety about dating one of the reasons you cling to your gf? Or are you wanting to date now?

If the former, not a great reason to stay in ac relationship with someone. If the latter, why so eager to start dating? From what I've read in your posts, I think you are a bit of a ways off of being ready to engage in another relationship. First, you should finish sorting out your primary relationship, which is the one with yourself. 

The question, "What do I need to give myself right now?" is not a question of what do you want for your life. Rather, it speaks to what do you need to give yourself to soothe your emotional state (e.g. feeling depressed or anxious).

It is a self-care question. It brings your attention to the present moment helping you examine what may be triggering you in that moment and what you need to do for yourself to soothe yourself through healthy behaviors.

Yes, one of the reasons I cling to my GF (I've found out through therapy) is that I see her as a long ter partner, to be with and not be alone, so that part of not being alone is the important part. In my head must of the time it as GF or OW, and never thought of being alone, mainly because I don't want that dating game, I suck at it, it took me a lot of time to find my GF, but yes, she still doesn't have everything I'm looking for, that's why I got so attracted to the OW.

My therapist tells me that I don't know my worth and that's why I cannot see beyond them, and that my worth/self-steem is exactly my biggest problem, that I don't see myself capable of getting what I really want, so she is telling me that I need to let my teenager breathe (I'm in my midlife crisis) and meet new women, but ethically, not cheating.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@tornheart Well I don't see any reason to disagree with your therapist, especially since she's the expert and knows your situation better than anyone here can. 

Also, I think we are close in age.  I've been living alone for a long time and most of the time I think it's pretty freaking glorious!  My dog is a lot of company for me so I don't really feel totally alone. How about a cat for you? I think they are easier to care for than dogs. 

Seriously, there are a lot of positives to living alone!  It's not forever if you don't want it to be. 

[torn_heart]

5 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

@tornheart Well I don't see any reason to disagree with your therapist, especially since she's the expert and knows your situation better than anyone here can. 

Also, I think we are close in age.  I've been living alone for a long time and most of the time I think it's pretty freaking glorious!  My dog is a lot of company for me so I don't really feel totally alone. How about a cat for you? I think they are easier to care for than dogs. 

Seriously, there are a lot of positives to living alone!  It's not forever if you don't want it to be. 

Yes, I think I'll get a cat.

I've been living alone for quite some time, but the lockup really had an impact on me, before it I already worked from home 3-4 times a week, and it was totally fine, at the beginning it was very easy, but as time progressed, I got together with OW this started to get very bad... I thought of getting a place with my GF, but then she lost her job and just distanced herself from us, and I got more involved with OW. Now I really suffer being alone, this has never happened to me before. I'm literally crying right now.

Edited August 3, 2021 by torn_heart

[spiritedaway2003]

56 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Yes, I think I'll get a cat.

I've been living alone for quite some time, but the lockup really had an impact on me, before it I already worked from home 3-4 times a week, and it was totally fine, at the beginning it was very easy, but as time progressed, I got together with OW this started to get very bad... I thought of getting a place with my GF, but then she lost her job and just distanced herself from us, and I got more involved with OW. Now I really suffer being alone, this has never happened to me before. I'm literally crying right now.

(((Hugs)))
Keep working it out with your therapist.  Focus on what you need to do to get back to a healthy state of mind, and that includes being comfortable being by yourself and not defining yourself through the lens of a relationship.  

From the outside looking in, it’s clear what is happening.  You were with your girlfriend because you care about her and see a future with her (and where you don’t have to be alone), but you don’t love her the way you do with OW.  I think you made the right decision to end that relationship due to those feelings and the overwhelming guilt from the affair. 

You love your OW but she also brings a level of toxicity (which she also experienced from your mixed messages).  If you ended your relationship with your gf and wanted to give it a legitimate shot with your OW, you can. The only one stopping you is …you.  On some level,  you don’t think things could work out with the OW, so you are looking to escape that by looking into dating again.  

Slow it all down. Before you attempt to date again, close out all the open chapters.  Close the book on your GF.  If you want to start on a clean slate, then close out that chapter with your OW too (by having an adult conversation). Don’t leave things hanging. 

Pay attention to destructive patterns. You are still doing to your OW what you did to your GF.  You didn’t end your relationship with your GF first, for fear of hurting people (or because you didn’t know how to end a relationship?)   That fear is what led you straight to the affair, which is what is causing you so much pain.  Work on dealing with conflicts.

Take a break from dating and relationships.  Take time to understand your own wants and needs. 

If you want to be with your gf, then be.  If you want to be with your OW, then pursue it. Make a decision.  Try to understand your motivation and let not loneliness be the driver of those decisions.  

You will be ok.

Edited August 3, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[torn_heart]

37 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

(((Hugs)))
Keep working it out with your therapist.  Focus on what you need to do to get back to a healthy state of mind, and that includes being comfortable being by yourself and not defining yourself through the lens of a relationship.  

From the outside looking in, it’s clear what is happening.  You were with your girlfriend because you care about her and see a future with her (and where you don’t have to be alone), but you don’t love her the way you do with OW.  I think you made the right decision to end that relationship due to those feelings and the overwhelming guilt from the affair. 

You love your OW but she also brings a level of toxicity (which she also experienced from your mixed messages).  If you ended your relationship with your gf and wanted to give it a legitimate shot with your OW, you can. The only one stopping you is …you.  On some level,  you don’t think things could work out with the OW, so you are looking to escape that by looking into dating again.  

Slow it all down. Before you attempt to date again, close out all the open chapters.  Close the book on your GF.  If you want to start on a clean slate, then close out that chapter with your OW too (by having an adult conversation). Don’t leave things hanging. 

Pay attention to destructive patterns. You are still doing to your OW what you did to your GF.  You didn’t end your relationship with your GF first, for fear of hurting people (or because you didn’t know how to end a relationship?)   That fear is what led you straight to the affair, which is what is causing you so much pain.  Work on dealing with conflicts.

Take a break from dating and relationships.  Take time to understand your own wants and needs. 

If you want to be with your gf, then be.  If you want to be with your OW, then pursue it. Make a decision.  Try to understand your motivation and let not loneliness be the driver of those decisions.  

You will be ok.

Thanks for your kind words.

Yes I know I brought some toxicity to my ex-OW that's why I also know I have to stay away from her, so I don't hurt her anymore unless I'm serious about trying something with her, for that I would need to close everything with my GF.

Still I think I need to be alone. I just need to control this anxiety, and don't fall victim to it, that it makes me close the chapter with my GF through a phone call (she is in another city with her family) and go looking for the OW immedealty, that's the urge I've been figting most of the time since this nightmare started.

 

Today, even though we are on a break, my GF contacted me telling me she had a job interview... I think she thinks it's SHE the one with the problem, even though I told her I needed time because I'm going through a crisis. I feel terrible about it.

Edited August 3, 2021 by torn_heart

[Prudence V]

5 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I think she thinks it's SHE the one with the problem, even though I told her I needed time because I'm going through a crisis. I feel terrible about it.

She has her own problems, just as you have yours. As I noted earlier, it is a co-dependent relationship, where you are both using each other to compensate for your own issues. You fixing your issues will not address her issues for her - however much you want to - just as her finding work / addressing her own issues is not going to fix your issues for you. You both *independently* need to work on your own issues and heal yourselves, as individuals. 
 

Only once you are comfortable being alone will you be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. And, once you are comfortable being alone, you will want to choose as your partner someone who is also healthy and whole, to have a healthy, non-codependent, non-toxic relationship. Neither of your current Rs is healthy. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Only once you are comfortable being alone will you be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. And, once you are comfortable being alone, you will want to choose as your partner someone who is also healthy and whole, to have a healthy, non-codependent, non-toxic relationship. Neither of your current Rs is healthy. 

That’s the thing. If you were in a healthy place yourself OP, I doubt that you would have ever let this OW into your life. Healthy people tend not to invite unhealthy things/people into their lives. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Well I can certainly relate to how the lockdown has effected you and then breaking it off with OW. I think these are two things that make anyone feel lonely so maybe it's not that you have a problem so much with living alone but you are dealing wutg the stress of these two events. 

I dealt with the hardest part of ending everything with xMM prepandemic. It was hard. Add to that the lockdown and pandemic stresses and it certainly explains your upset. 

I'm in a fairly liberal area as far as lockdowns go.  We can pretty much do whatever we want. I am grateful for it because it has been rough even under lax circumstances. I can't imagine how much more imtense the stress has been for people with stricter lockdown policies.  Still, even though I can move about at will, I still stay home a lot more to avoid exposure. I wear my mask when out even though it's uncomfortable. I feel restricted because I don't want to expose myself to unnecessary risk especially with the delta variant. Are these the types of things that are stressing you, too?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

21 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I just need to control this anxiety

Ironically, trying to control your anxiety might produce more anxiety. I've learned from therapy that when I resolve the root cause of my anxiety, my anxiety just began to disappear.

I'm sharing an example from my own experience to expound:

For a long time I would get anxiety when I had an event for which the outcome was important to me such as an exam or a court paper.  In therapy one day I realized much of my anxiety was from the pressure I put on myself to perform--like if I didn't do a perfect job then catastrophy would result; this was a pattern of thinking that developed from my childhood. As a kid, if I didn't succeed and be the best (better than all my peers), my parents rejected me. I was condemned, shamed, love withheld. It set me up for anxiety to perform as an adult which could sabotage me through procrastination. Hope this helps. You might find similar types of patterns in yourself through your therapy. 

[torn_heart]

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Well I can certainly relate to how the lockdown has effected you and then breaking it off with OW. I think these are two things that make anyone feel lonely so maybe it's not that you have a problem so much with living alone but you are dealing wutg the stress of these two events. 

I dealt with the hardest part of ending everything with xMM prepandemic. It was hard. Add to that the lockdown and pandemic stresses and it certainly explains your upset. 

I'm in a fairly liberal area as far as lockdowns go.  We can pretty much do whatever we want. I am grateful for it because it has been rough even under lax circumstances. I can't imagine how much more imtense the stress has been for people with stricter lockdown policies.  Still, even though I can move about at will, I still stay home a lot more to avoid exposure. I wear my mask when out even though it's uncomfortable. I feel restricted because I don't want to expose myself to unnecessary risk especially with the delta variant. Are these the types of things that are stressing you, too?

I could do a lot of things, but people around her aren't taking things seriously and I see my family regularly so I stay at home a lot to avoid exposure. My closest friends do the same, so we almost don't see each other, I think if I see 2 friends in a week is too much, so yes, it is very difficult.

[torn_heart]

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Ironically, trying to control your anxiety might produce more anxiety. I've learned from therapy that when I resolve the root cause of my anxiety, my anxiety just began to disappear.

I'm sharing an example from my own experience to expound:

For a long time I would get anxiety when I had an event for which the outcome was important to me such as an exam or a court paper.  In therapy one day I realized much of my anxiety was from the pressure I put on myself to perform--like if I didn't do a perfect job then catastrophy would result; this was a pattern of thinking that developed from my childhood. As a kid, if I didn't succeed and be the best (better than all my peers), my parents rejected me. I was condemned, shamed, love withheld. It set me up for anxiety to perform as an adult which could sabotage me through procrastination. Hope this helps. You might find similar types of patterns in yourself through your therapy. 

The root of my anxiety is that even though I know I know I shouldn't I miss OW a lot, and everyday is the struggle to go after her.

Yesterday ex-OW reach out throught text to see how I was doing and told her that I was "fine", that this time alone was something I needed, that work and family are great, she told me that I sounded much better that the las time we spoke and I asked her about her, and she told me the father of her kids was arriving the same day, and other things. I replied with some questions, and then she didn't reply until 12 hours later, I was the last text she sent before going to sleep, so I feel I'm being played again:

- Contating me exatly 2 weeks after last time we spoke, same day the father of her kids arrives

- Text back and forth in seconds and then silence until I'm the last text she sends before going to sleep

That's the kind of things I feel are toxic/manipulative, can't help the feeling friends are coaching her on what to do ("it's been 2 weeks, now reach out", "ok now don't reply until night"), I told my therapist and says that she is glad that I can now read all this.

Edited August 4, 2021 by torn_heart

[solostand]

Hugs. You'll be ok. You really will. This too shall pass.

So, from reading your thread, it seems to me, as a Mom of a man probably your age, that what is holding you back is fear. Fear is the lowest vibration. It holds you at the bottom in life. Love for yourself that spills over to everyone else in the world is the highest vibration.

It seems to me your fear is preventing you from making a decision, any decision, so you are just willing to go with the flow to wherever it takes you and decisions are being made for you.

Don't do that.

Make a decision. You'll feel better immediatly. Then do it.

It doesn't seem to me that the gf is the right woman for you. You were cheating on her and in love with someone else. I've been in love before and the last thing on my mind was cheating on my partner. 

But it is you life to make, and your path to take, but remember, this too shall pass, and your future holds unbelievable joy if you allow it in.

[pepperbird2]

I'm glad you're working on yourself, and I agree that you need to get yourself sorted before you get involved with anyone else. Not just or yourself, but for them too.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I also meant to tell you to go ahead and get that cat. I hope you'll pick one from a shelter. There are so many sweet, wonderful pets in shelters deserving of a good home. 

I think Kitty Cuddles might do some wonders for you! 😻😸

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I also meant to tell you to go ahead and get that cat. I hope you'll pick one from a shelter. There are so many sweet, wonderful pets in shelters deserving of a good home. 

I think Kitty Cuddles might do some wonders for you! 😻😸

good idea, and OP, even if you don't have time for a pet cat of your own, there's so many shelters that can use a helping hand.

[torn_heart]

Thanks everyone.

Since sunday it has been the lowest of the low. 

I feel my ex-OW is playing games, and I'm tarting to get really mad, I don't know why she reached me only to play mind games with me?

As I said, there have eben times I'm on the fence of dropping everything and go to her, BUT right now I feel I'd be going to her and maybe she is just doing this to humillate me. 

Yes, my biggest fear, before being alone, has been to renounce my GF which I see a long term relationship with her, and enter a relationship with a woman who does this kind of things. 

Right now, to be totally honest, and thinking just about myself, I'd just cut everything with my GF and go to OW just for this anxiety to stop once and for all!!!

I know I wouldn't be doing the best thing, but it would stop the damn feeling.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm going through hell right now, I can't believe a little chat did this to me.

Edited August 4, 2021 by torn_heart

[spiderowl]

It's easy to say make a decision - and some people are that decisive and are sure about their decisions - but others take longer to come to conclusions.

I saw an interesting programme on TV about the Brain.  I think it was a programme by David Eagleman, but I don't have the exact reference.  In that programme, there was an experiment whereby he was put in a functional Magnetic Resonance Scanner for live monitoring of his brain whilst he made decisions.  From what I remember, the decisions were binary: right or left, or something like that.  Looking at the outcome of the scan, the researcher showed that the experimentee appeared to be making decisions at an unconscious level (changes appear on the scan) BEFORE the experimentee became aware of his own decision and implemented the right or left answer by clicking a button.  The interesting thing about this, for me if not others, was that decisions appear to be made unconsciously and then become conscious.  I surmise that some people are quicker to make decisions unconsciously and that these people are well known to be fast decision makers; others find their unconscious processing is slower or more complicated - possibly affected by emotional needs - and therefore are seen as slower decision makers (I just know I'm in the latter category!)

So, all this suggests to me that your conflict is unconscious and is ongoing.  The question is why?  It may be that you have hit the nail on the head when you say you have never been fully happy with your girlfriend.  Giving up on security is a big thing.  Are you with her because you love her and could not be without her, or are you with her because she provides security?

While your unconscious mind is being pulled in two different directions due to your needs, it would not be fair to swing back and forth between these women.  Until you have resolved this on a deeper level, you will remain conflicted and just mess them about.  One of our (now infamous) UK ex-political aides accused the Prime Minister of being like a supermarket trolley, crashing about from one side of the aisle to the other in response to feedback from the media.  I must admit, I do get that impression about your state at the moment, a bit out of control and crashing about.

You have messed these women about has because of your emotional conflict and they will realise eventually that the minute you start to prioritise them, you switch and start distancing yourself.  This must be really hard on both of them, to be honest.

I do sympathise with you as well, actually, because it sounds very tortuous and I guess most of us are fortunate not to face such decisions where we are truly torn in half.

One thing to remember, which can be added to all the unconscious things going on - and sorry to say but it's not going to cheer you up - is that your girlfriend is eventually going to realise that your departure is serious and SHE will get fed up of agonising over it.  SHE will decide enough is enough and she will want to end the uncertainty with you.  Once she has flipped to finishing the relationship, your conflict will be over.  Sometimes this is how such dilemmas are resolved: someone else takes the decision out of your hands.  People cannot stand tension and uncertainty for ever.  Maybe you actually want someone else to make the decision for you.

Edited August 4, 2021 by spiderowl

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

 

You have messed these women about has because of your emotional conflict and they will realise eventually that the minute you start to prioritise them, you switch and start distancing yourself.  This must be really hard on both of them, to be honest.

I do sympathise with you as well, actually, because it sounds very tortuous and I guess most of us are fortunate not to face such decisions where we are truly torn in half.

One thing to remember, which can be added to all the unconscious things going on - and sorry to say but it's not going to cheer you up - is that your girlfriend is eventually going to realise that your departure is serious and SHE will get fed up of agonising over it.  SHE will decide enough is enough and she will want to end the uncertainty with you.  Once she has flipped to finishing the relationship, your conflict will be over.  Sometimes this is how such dilemmas are resolved: someone else takes the decision out of your hands.  People cannot stand tension and uncertainty for ever.  Maybe you actually want someone else to make the decision for you.

You are right.

Since the break up I have distanced myself from my GF, until the break, actually if we had sex three times, it's too much, she knows I'm going through a crisis, and I think she knows I'm at the point where I might leave. After I asked for the break, she started talking more than usual with friends and family, which everyone saw weir as she has always been very distant, she even bought the birthday present of a friends daughter 1 month before.

I know I've messed them, I it hurts, my guilt is not only from the affair, but for all this episode, I really did a number to ex-OW (and she to me) and I know that also my GF. This all started since the breakup and I have to finish this to stops messing them and myself up.

About someone making the decision for me, yes, as I've said, I'm a non-confrontative person, and to breakup with someone I care a lot, that I love, without having a fight or something like that is way too difficult. That's also why a lot of cheater want to get caught, it saves all the confrontational part.

My gf won't make the decision, because she is very passive, she is going through a rough patch and she knows I am too, and so... it hurts double to make the decision.

But to be honest, enough is enough... I have to close cycles.

[torn_heart]

Sometimes I feel like reading my thread and some others is like reading people going towards madness, I mean it's very helpful to write here, but this kind of forums show how we go from one place to the other in a snap. I want to hug everyone here who is in pain, at least the pandemic, and even olympics, have been helpful in putting the metal and emotional health front and center and everyone needs to take care of themselves.

[Prudence V]

11 hours ago, torn_heart said:

But to be honest, enough is enough... I have to close cycles.

You do. Neither of those women is a good fit for a healthy version of you. Each of them will trap you in an unhealthy place - you GF in codependency, and your (x)OW in a toxic space. The anxiety you feel now will only get worse, with either (or both) of these women in your life. Cut them both out now, for their own good and yours, so that you each have a chance of healing and finding a healthy R one day. 

[torn_heart]

Hi everyone.

So I had a relapse.

As I said, the ex-OW reached out, she has been playing games all week. Si. The day of co tact it started to get to me, next day a friend told me "it's because she wanted you to ask her out right away and you didn't" and, stupid me, tried the theory and it was that.

Ex-OW told me "yeah, let's meet only no kisses" (since the break up she is the one who startd the sexual interaction, not me, do the comment wasn't needed).

Since then she has been playing the "I won't reply to your texts until next day" game, and today to confirm our date she told me she went dancing yesterday, but she sounded happy about the date. So she is trying (successfully) to make me jealous, and today is my D-Day, I decide if I enter this toxic relationship to calm my stupid anxiety and definitely end things with my gf or just block OW from everywhere, but still living with my anxiety for a while, which is in a point that is impacting my work performance.

My mind knows what is best for me, but my anxiety gets me, although, it's also the anxiety that lets me know that I won't enter a double life again. 

I know OW is too toxic, now I know it's her personality, not my fault or the circumstances, still, I want to be with her.

 

 

 

[Prudence V]

2 hours ago, torn_heart said:

definitely end things with my gf or just block OW from everywhere

Why or? You need to do both.