Fell for the OW

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hey I came back to share something I learned yesterday to help with anxiety. I learned to tap on my collarbones which stimulates release of endorphins. Google K27 to learn about this accupressure point and how stimulating it helps. Also you can try Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).

As for contacting her with an explanation, if you must, keep it very short and to the point. Then immediately block. You could try something like, "I appeciate the times we've shared but I've come to a place in my life where I need to be on my own and focus on myself. In order to succeed with this, I'm blocking any further contact with you. Please don't attempt to contact me again. I wish you well." Then immediately block on all platforms and resolve that you have made this decision in your own best interest. There is no need to ruminate on it further. Good luck. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Giving her a chance to respond will only prolong the dance so that's why you can send the message (so you won't have nagging guilt about how you ended it) but then block everywhere immediately. Otherwise, it will just go on and on. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I think you can try those same techniques for sadness. I think they work on any trapped emotion. 

[IrinaM]

well I haven't read all six pages. but, I think that when you cancelled plans on her because you got drunk the night before, she was fed up or just over it. You agreed to go do something with her on Saturday, but then you went out and got drunk on Friday night and cancelled on her the day of. Did you expect her to come over with soup?

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, IrinaM said:

well I haven't read all six pages. but, I think that when you cancelled plans on her because you got drunk the night before, she was fed up or just over it. You agreed to go do something with her on Saturday, but then you went out and got drunk on Friday night and cancelled on her the day of. Did you expect her to come over with soup?

No, I wasn't drunk, it was food poisoning (the fish in the sushi) maybe the term didn't translate well from spanish to english

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I think you can try those same techniques for sadness. I think they work on any trapped emotion. 

You are right, I'll try

[Prudence V]

15 hours ago, torn_heart said:

maybe she remembered that I'm on a break and not fully broken up

Why not? You need to end both of these toxic relationships that are holding you back. 

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Why not? You need to end both of these toxic relationships that are holding you back. 

The only one holding the OP back is himself.

[Daisydooks]

On 8/17/2021 at 2:07 PM, torn_heart said:

My therapist also recommended me those excercises for when I have anxiety attacks. Right now I don't have them it's just sadness. I like the idea of not having the negative feeling, but it's really difficult to move out from them.

A couple of frinds told me that I shouldn't  block her without telling her anything, but I dont want to speak anymore, I had a bad time, she wasn't there, I can't coun on her, that's it. Maybe it's her personality, maybe she didn't believe me or maybe she remembered that I'm on a break and not fully broken up, don't know, either way, it was a terrible weekend. 

Do you think I should tell her something to explain why I'm blocking her? Let her reply?

Unless it is in YOUR best interest, no.  She will get the hint when you no longer reply, if she even message it to you at all

Edited August 26, 2021 by Daisydooks

[torn_heart]

So, sorry for the 2 months of blackout. It has been... difficult.

So the break with GF is still going, while everything with OW has been very difficult. 

At some point I fel she was manipulating me to get what she wanted, manipulating the timing of her answers, the way she reach me. After what happened where I got sick, I invited her to go to a Van gogh expo, her favorite artist, and we went with her kids, and then we had lunch. It was an amazing day.

She has always asked me to choose a design for he hair color, so this time I took her idea, and we went to the salon where we stayed put for 5 hours, chatting, kissing, and even the people there told her "your BF surely loves you very much, no one stays the whole process and in this mood" she later told me that and well, obviously she resented the comment, as we weren't a couple, when we arrived at her place, she kinda kicked me out. 

The next day we went to another expo with her kids, this time was of Salvador Dalì, one of my favorites, again, amazing day, we then had lunch and it was great.

The next week she got news from her mother that her aunt, who has cancer, might be in her last days so she went to her hometown, that same day my mother had an issue and had to be hospitalized, that day we were chatting the whole time, through text and phone calls, my mother had to be operated on at night (they needed to open her skull, so you can imagine the fearwe had), everything went well and we coudn't stay at the hospital (my sister and I) so we saw my mom and then left. I went to see OW, since she was in bad shape and she broke down when we went to dinner, because her aunt was like a second mother.

The next day she went to her hometown and we mantained contact the whole time, sometimes she took a long time to respon, but she did always after a couple of hours. My GF started to reach me because she ws caring about my mom's health.

A week went by, my mom left the hospital at mid week and in sunday she got a big headache and the doctor told her she had to go back to the hospital, that same day tried to reach OW and she never appeared, I saw that she saw some memes in a group of memes I added her to, so I got frustrated and told her "well my day was that I had to send my mom back to the hospital" then she replied in minutes. My issue was that I was very pending on her and her family, and I got frustrated that I couldn't get the same.

She came back, her aunt recovered and didn't passed away, the doctors gave her 3 more months. We saw each other just a couple of days that week, we had sex, she started to call me "Love" but since coming back it appeared that her top priority were her dance lessons, she niver missed one and I saw she stopped asking about my day and my mom, I figured out in that sunday that she was just too selfish, she uses me for dates and emotional support. 

Next week I started to pull back, I didn't want to be with her anymore after I realized that. On Saturday I went to a Skateboard park with friends and I got a big headache because of the sun, at night she told me if I wanted to go to her place, but my headache was still terrible. On Sunday (with her in the city) she told me she was going to a "place" in the morning and I told her I was gonna see my mom, I didn't understand that the "place" she was going to was an event we have here in the city but she called her with the name they use in another state. She got insolated ( and then I called her, she told me she got frustrated because she went to this event alone with her kids, that I didn't went with her (even though I was at my mom's and didn't undertsand that it was an event instead of a place) and she got mad I didn't went to see her on Saturday... Still thinking about herself. She also told me that when she stopped for lunch she took a 1 liter mojito (with her kids) and she called her ex (the father of her kids) just to yell at him because she was blaming him for what hapenned. Then she started to tell me something that didn't happened (gaslighting me, but I'm the worst person to try it on, I have a great memory) sayin "I remember when you first tried to kisss me and I pulled away thinking "this guy has a GF"" and that was the second time, the first time I tried to kiss her I did, and it was corresponded, but it seems she wanted to make me feel bad or guilty.

On Tuesday she started reaching me telling me about her day and asking me about mine (never commented on what was going with mine) at some point she told me her aunts doctor told her that she needed to go for some studies, her family was trying to get her aunt to the hospital for this. Minutes went by and asked if they could solve it, then she replied with the saddest and distubring voice message I've ever gotten saying: "Love, can you come pick me up? .... She just passed away" while she was crying and in a shock state. I rushed to see her and she broke down in my arms. She was at her dance lessons, in a day she doesn't normaly goes and also, that same day she got her car changed for a van and thought "this is something I'd share, I mean, I share with you when I bought my iPhone because I was moving from Android", but it wasn't the time. We went for a coffeee we saw her sister, she gave the news to her sister and started working on logistics.

She went to her hometown again for a couple of weeks, during the week she was in the city another aunt passed away because of COVID, so her mom was in terrible shape. During this time, again she was reaching all the time, and stragely... she started to ask about my day and my mom, and everything.

The next week, on monday, the medics removed the points from my mom's head and saw that the wound was infected, so they sent her back to the hospital, again OW was very pending, but in my head I tried to pull back, my GF kept reaching and asking about my mom, I wanted to finally pull away from OW to get back with my GF, but OW was still at her hometown and didn't feel right. My mom stayed at the hospital and on Sunday they said that they would have to open again to wash and maybe cut part of her skull, she was way too sad/scared, couldn't even handle a phone call because she would start crying. That day OW was coming back, that same day she had an event with her dance classmates, we spoke in the morning and in midday that they game the news I reach her telling her that my mom would be operated on the next day, she replied with "oh no" and a sad emoji. No news from her after that, I called her when I was leaving the hospital and she lost signal or turned her phone off since 6pm (whatsapp last connection) and I got very mad again, I got anxious (the anxiety after my realization had dropped to very low levels, but this time, it came back) I reached my therapist, and then called a friend. I decided to go to bed early, as my mom's surgery would be on 8am of the next day so I would need to be at the hospital 7am and my sister stayed with her. 

Next morning I found 3 missed calls and a bunch of text from OW at 11pm (after the event)  and she was reaching me to go to her place to have sex. I got even madder, I didn't reply a thing, I felt used, I don't know... I was very very mad. When my mom was being operated on she reached me and asked what was wrong and told her what happened, not pin pointing that I was mad with her, but she assumed I was "sad". At night she asked me if she could come to  my place, she came, and damn... my heart melted when I saw her... we didn't have sex, we just watched a movie. That was this week. She again is difficult to reach, after monday for some reason I get pulled back to her, I want to get out, but I keep reaching her, I don't know why, now I see her dance lessons are her top priority, she is trying another school so she has been going the whole week to clases (in different schools), she keeps saying she loves me, etc. 

I have to get away, but this week has been terrible... Like all the advances I had the past month just are going down the drain. I want to get out but when I see her I melt, my head is all around OW now and I hate it and myself for it. GF and I haven't put a date to decide what will happen, I want to be with her but my head is still a mess.

 

 

[Prudence V]

21 hours ago, torn_heart said:

my head is all around OW now and I hate it and myself for it. GF and I haven't put a date to decide what will happen, I want to be with her but my head is still a mess.

Stop seeing this as a choice between these two women. It’s not. Both relationships are bad for you. Cut them both out of your life permanently. Sort out your own issues, and then consider getting into a new, healthy relationship at that point. 

[Myabee]

23 hours ago, torn_heart said:

So, sorry for the 2 months of blackout. It has been... difficult.

So the break with GF is still going, while everything with OW has been very difficult. 

At some point I fel she was manipulating me to get what she wanted, manipulating the timing of her answers, the way she reach me. After what happened where I got sick, I invited her to go to a Van gogh expo, her favorite artist, and we went with her kids, and then we had lunch. It was an amazing day.

She has always asked me to choose a design for he hair color, so this time I took her idea, and we went to the salon where we stayed put for 5 hours, chatting, kissing, and even the people there told her "your BF surely loves you very much, no one stays the whole process and in this mood" she later told me that and well, obviously she resented the comment, as we weren't a couple, when we arrived at her place, she kinda kicked me out. 

The next day we went to another expo with her kids, this time was of Salvador Dalì, one of my favorites, again, amazing day, we then had lunch and it was great.

The next week she got news from her mother that her aunt, who has cancer, might be in her last days so she went to her hometown, that same day my mother had an issue and had to be hospitalized, that day we were chatting the whole time, through text and phone calls, my mother had to be operated on at night (they needed to open her skull, so you can imagine the fearwe had), everything went well and we coudn't stay at the hospital (my sister and I) so we saw my mom and then left. I went to see OW, since she was in bad shape and she broke down when we went to dinner, because her aunt was like a second mother.

The next day she went to her hometown and we mantained contact the whole time, sometimes she took a long time to respon, but she did always after a couple of hours. My GF started to reach me because she ws caring about my mom's health.

A week went by, my mom left the hospital at mid week and in sunday she got a big headache and the doctor told her she had to go back to the hospital, that same day tried to reach OW and she never appeared, I saw that she saw some memes in a group of memes I added her to, so I got frustrated and told her "well my day was that I had to send my mom back to the hospital" then she replied in minutes. My issue was that I was very pending on her and her family, and I got frustrated that I couldn't get the same.

She came back, her aunt recovered and didn't passed away, the doctors gave her 3 more months. We saw each other just a couple of days that week, we had sex, she started to call me "Love" but since coming back it appeared that her top priority were her dance lessons, she niver missed one and I saw she stopped asking about my day and my mom, I figured out in that sunday that she was just too selfish, she uses me for dates and emotional support. 

Next week I started to pull back, I didn't want to be with her anymore after I realized that. On Saturday I went to a Skateboard park with friends and I got a big headache because of the sun, at night she told me if I wanted to go to her place, but my headache was still terrible. On Sunday (with her in the city) she told me she was going to a "place" in the morning and I told her I was gonna see my mom, I didn't understand that the "place" she was going to was an event we have here in the city but she called her with the name they use in another state. She got insolated ( and then I called her, she told me she got frustrated because she went to this event alone with her kids, that I didn't went with her (even though I was at my mom's and didn't undertsand that it was an event instead of a place) and she got mad I didn't went to see her on Saturday... Still thinking about herself. She also told me that when she stopped for lunch she took a 1 liter mojito (with her kids) and she called her ex (the father of her kids) just to yell at him because she was blaming him for what hapenned. Then she started to tell me something that didn't happened (gaslighting me, but I'm the worst person to try it on, I have a great memory) sayin "I remember when you first tried to kisss me and I pulled away thinking "this guy has a GF"" and that was the second time, the first time I tried to kiss her I did, and it was corresponded, but it seems she wanted to make me feel bad or guilty.

On Tuesday she started reaching me telling me about her day and asking me about mine (never commented on what was going with mine) at some point she told me her aunts doctor told her that she needed to go for some studies, her family was trying to get her aunt to the hospital for this. Minutes went by and asked if they could solve it, then she replied with the saddest and distubring voice message I've ever gotten saying: "Love, can you come pick me up? .... She just passed away" while she was crying and in a shock state. I rushed to see her and she broke down in my arms. She was at her dance lessons, in a day she doesn't normaly goes and also, that same day she got her car changed for a van and thought "this is something I'd share, I mean, I share with you when I bought my iPhone because I was moving from Android", but it wasn't the time. We went for a coffeee we saw her sister, she gave the news to her sister and started working on logistics.

She went to her hometown again for a couple of weeks, during the week she was in the city another aunt passed away because of COVID, so her mom was in terrible shape. During this time, again she was reaching all the time, and stragely... she started to ask about my day and my mom, and everything.

The next week, on monday, the medics removed the points from my mom's head and saw that the wound was infected, so they sent her back to the hospital, again OW was very pending, but in my head I tried to pull back, my GF kept reaching and asking about my mom, I wanted to finally pull away from OW to get back with my GF, but OW was still at her hometown and didn't feel right. My mom stayed at the hospital and on Sunday they said that they would have to open again to wash and maybe cut part of her skull, she was way too sad/scared, couldn't even handle a phone call because she would start crying. That day OW was coming back, that same day she had an event with her dance classmates, we spoke in the morning and in midday that they game the news I reach her telling her that my mom would be operated on the next day, she replied with "oh no" and a sad emoji. No news from her after that, I called her when I was leaving the hospital and she lost signal or turned her phone off since 6pm (whatsapp last connection) and I got very mad again, I got anxious (the anxiety after my realization had dropped to very low levels, but this time, it came back) I reached my therapist, and then called a friend. I decided to go to bed early, as my mom's surgery would be on 8am of the next day so I would need to be at the hospital 7am and my sister stayed with her. 

Next morning I found 3 missed calls and a bunch of text from OW at 11pm (after the event)  and she was reaching me to go to her place to have sex. I got even madder, I didn't reply a thing, I felt used, I don't know... I was very very mad. When my mom was being operated on she reached me and asked what was wrong and told her what happened, not pin pointing that I was mad with her, but she assumed I was "sad". At night she asked me if she could come to  my place, she came, and damn... my heart melted when I saw her... we didn't have sex, we just watched a movie. That was this week. She again is difficult to reach, after monday for some reason I get pulled back to her, I want to get out, but I keep reaching her, I don't know why, now I see her dance lessons are her top priority, she is trying another school so she has been going the whole week to clases (in different schools), she keeps saying she loves me, etc. 

I have to get away, but this week has been terrible... Like all the advances I had the past month just are going down the drain. I want to get out but when I see her I melt, my head is all around OW now and I hate it and myself for it. GF and I haven't put a date to decide what will happen, I want to be with her but my head is still a mess.

 

 

I think you do need to make a decision here torn. As tough as it may be it's GF or OW. I know that deep down you know this. I feel you will get there.  

[Allupinnit]

Has your love life always been this messy?  I couldn't even get through your post without nearly getting my OWN headache.  

You know what they say when you can't make up your mind?  You'll be left with nothing.  if you really loved your GF you wouldn't let this OW keep dicking you around - I think you are addicted to the drama and a real r'ship seems boring to you.

[torn_heart]

23 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Has your love life always been this messy?  I couldn't even get through your post without nearly getting my OWN headache.  

You know what they say when you can't make up your mind?  You'll be left with nothing.  if you really loved your GF you wouldn't let this OW keep dicking you around - I think you are addicted to the drama and a real r'ship seems boring to you.

It has never been this messy (I’m 38), but also, I’ve never cheated until this time. But I do think that maybe at some point I unconsciously decided to add all this drama to my life.

[RebeccaR]

32 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

But I do think that maybe at some point I unconsciously decided to add all this drama to my life.

So true, This is probably true for everyone in an affair 

[torn_heart]

On 10/30/2021 at 9:48 AM, Prudence V said:

Stop seeing this as a choice between these two women. It’s not. Both relationships are bad for you. Cut them both out of your life permanently. Sort out your own issues, and then consider getting into a new, healthy relationship at that point. 

I've started to see this more and more. I still think I can work it out with GF, but I've made my peace if I have to cut both out of my life. 

[pepperbird2]

On 10/31/2021 at 11:56 PM, torn_heart said:

I've started to see this more and more. I still think I can work it out with GF, but I've made my peace if I have to cut both out of my life. 

A ti that may help you...

what do you think s best for the two women involved? that may help you plan your next steps.that way, you can at least have the comfort of knowing you pet someone else first and you won't be left wondering.

[torn_heart]

Hi everyone, so I just posted a new topic that is a continuation of this: