Is this enough?

[Liketobeloved]

Have been with my GF for 8mth. We have been friends of friends for a few years but got together just before covid lockdown in the U.K. started. 
we have spent most days together and have both really enjoyed it. 
but now lockdown is lifting she has said she would like to take a step back and just see each other 2 days a week stating that she wants time to see her friends and be alone. I know she enjoys her own company but I feel that 2 days is just not enough for me. 
I am a widower of a 12yrs marriage and she has had a couple of unsuccessful relationships. 
I like to feel loved and really don’t know how to feel about this. 
she says she loves me and wants to be in a relationship but it just doesn’t feel like it. 
to make it worse I have a 6yr old daughter that after losing her mum has started to become attached and they both get on so well. 
I’m angry at myself for letting them grow a bond. 
I’m just so confused right now. Do I try and work with it? Or call it off as I don’t think this shows me enough love. Although I think she’s amazing and have totally fallen for her. 
TIA

[spiderowl]

I can see your problem, Liketobeloved.  Lockdown put all of us in extraordinary situations and obviously she and you and your daughter were in a 'bubble' to keep you all safe.  Now that lockdown is nearly ended, she wants a bit more freedom.

It may be that she has found it to be too intensive for her, hard to know.  I can understand that she wants to see her friends and to spend time alone, if she hasn't had that for a while.  The question is, does this mean she is looking for a way out of the relationship but just not saying so, or is she really just needing time to catch up with others and to relax on her own?  I don't think you can know.

From what she has said, she is giving no indication that she wants out of the relationship, but she is reducing time spent together.  My feeling is that she wants to regain balance back in her life and to see how she feels after that has happened.  She is not sure herself whether she wants out or is just feeling a bit overwhelmed.  As an introvert, I know how important it is to have time to myself, to decompress and just be, without other input and demands.

Although you are feeling a bit rejected, I would not jump to conclusions here.  I would wait and give it chance for the relationship to settle into a new mode, if that is what is needed.  If you find she is spending less and less time with you, then you know the way it is going and can make an informed decision then.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, spiderowl said:

From what she has said, she is giving no indication that she wants out of the relationship, but she is reducing time spent together.  My feeling is that she wants to regain balance back in her life and to see how she feels after that has happened.

I agree.

I don't get the sense that she wants to break up, but that she is feeling unbalanced and needs to recalibrate. She is apparently trying to find a way to make that happen without ending it completely. 

It sounds like you two probably moved too quickly at first, with all the together-time and integrating your kids into it. At just 8 months, it's a lot to have already spent nearly everyday together and brought the kids into the mix. As such, I don't think her request is unreasonable as it reads to me like she's feeling a bit overwhelmed by the relationship and is trying to establish some boundaries. It doesn't need to be a measurement of her love for you, unless you turn it into that. 

Just to get a better sense of the context, who initiates most of the meetings/dates at this point? Is it you? How many nights a week are you spending together, and in whose homes? Do you see your own friends? 

[Liketobeloved]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree.

I don't get the sense that she wants to break up, but that she is feeling unbalanced and needs to recalibrate. She is apparently trying to find a way to make that happen without ending it completely. 

It sounds like you two probably moved too quickly at first, with all the together-time and integrating your kids into it. At just 8 months, it's a lot to have already spent nearly everyday together and brought the kids into the mix. As such, I don't think her request is unreasonable as it reads to me like she's feeling a bit overwhelmed by the relationship and is trying to establish some boundaries. It doesn't need to be a measurement of her love for you, unless you turn it into that. 

Just to get a better sense of the context, who initiates most of the meetings/dates at this point? Is it you? How many nights a week are you spending together, and in whose homes? Do you see your own friends? 

Ty for responding. It’s probably 70/30 on favour of me suggesting to meet up. We spend  between 1-3 nights together per week as we work around our children. We always stay at mine as she has returned to uni education so moved back in with her parents. We have not really seen too much of our friends as lockdown has only eased in the last month but when we do it’s usually her friends more than mine. 
she has since said that she doesn’t want to end the relationship but is blaming her past as previously she was in an abusive relationship. I have taken her on her word but do feel like I’ve been an escape or safety blanket for her during lockdown. And now the country is opening up again that she no longer needs me as much. 
I am very gentle and loving so 100% am sympathetic to her past but still feel like I’ve fallen in love with a person and situation that has been drastically withdrawn at short notice. Ty

[Blind-Sided]

All I can  say is sorry.

you will be sad... but if she wants to go... you have to let her.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Liketobeloved said:

she has since said that she doesn’t want to end the relationship but is blaming her past as previously she was in an abusive relationship.

What does this have to do with wanting a healthy amount of me-time?

[Calmandfocused]

I get where she’s coming from but at the same time what you want and need from a relationship is equally important. 
 

Compromise is needed here. Communicate what you want and what you need. 
 

How much time would you like to spend with her a week? What boundaries do you want in your relationship? Tell what you need 
 

On a separate note my heart is breaking for your daughter. She won’t understanding why your gf won’t spend as much time with you both. You need to handle this very gently and sensitively with her. She’s been through such a lot at such a young age ... 

[ShyViolet]

I don't think spending 2 days a week together is unreasonable.  She might have been feeling like she hasn't had enough time to see other people in her life or do other things.  She just wants to balance her relationship with you and other things in her life.  I don't see why 2 days a week should not be enough.  If you push for more, then she might start to feel smothered and you may push her away.  Do you really want to end an otherwise good relationship over this? 

[Liketobeloved]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What does this have to do with wanting a healthy amount of me-time?

She says she has always enjoyed her own company. She has never really been loved and treated as well as I treat her. She says she still has some things to deal with still in her own head and is a little worried about rushing into another big relationship (but I feel like we already have) as her daughter (who is not her ex’s daughter) has already witnessed so much unhappiness. 
we really do enjoy being with each other and she confirmed that. And says that she does love me as I do her. 
I suppose after talking to her today I can’t work out if she just wants more time to do other things.  or just to spend less time with me  

I’m  just so confused right now. I’m clinging onto the fact she says that our relationship is good. But am also worried if she would ever be able to commit to something more permanent in the future.

ty

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Liketobeloved said:

She says she still has some things to deal with still in her own head and is a little worried about rushing into another big relationship (but I feel like we already have) as her daughter (who is not her ex’s daughter) has already witnessed so much unhappiness. 

Hm. 

This gives a bit more context to her request for some space. 

She is realizing that you two perhaps rushed this and got too involved, too quickly. If you want to try to see this through, see how things go with reduced couple-time for a few weeks. You're not under any obligation to continue if you don't feel it's enough for you. 

[Liketobeloved]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Hm. 

This gives a bit more context to her request for some space. 

She is realizing that you two perhaps rushed this and got too involved, too quickly. If you want to try to see this through, see how things go with reduced couple-time for a few weeks. You're not under any obligation to continue if you don't feel it's enough for you. 

Thanks.  You are good at this 😁

I really do think she’s very special and think I will give this a go for a few weeks.
Guess as this is my first relationship since the death of my wife I’m just so committed now that I’m scared of getting hurt. 
ty

[d0nnivain]

When you had few other options for entertainment & company, the intense time you spent together was all there was.  She only agreed to that because there were no other options. Now that the world is opening back up let her pursue the other interests.  Do stay in touch.  Perhaps see each other 3 nights per week but the trick here will be letting her go just enough that she comes back to you.   If you demand too much she'll flee.  

You settled into your comfort zone & it felt a bit like a marriage with the daily interaction. That level of intensity this fast is too much for most people.  

[Liketobeloved]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

When you had few other options for entertainment & company, the intense time you spent together was all there was.  She only agreed to that because there were no other options. Now that the world is opening back up let her pursue the other interests.  Do stay in touch.  Perhaps see each other 3 nights per week but the trick here will be letting her go just enough that she comes back to you.   If you demand too much she'll flee.  

You settled into your comfort zone & it felt a bit like a marriage with the daily interaction. That level of intensity this fast is too much for most people.  

Ty. We had a good chat today and she’s explained that she’s happy with how we are together and does love me.  Guess I just need to do as you say and give her the time she wants.

I suppose it’s distinguishing if it is that she wants more time to herself or actually less time with me, if that even makes sense.

I think she special and we do connect so I’m going to go with it for a few weeks and then see how I feel about it.

ty

 

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Liketobeloved said:

I suppose it’s distinguishing if it is that she wants more time to herself or actually less time with me, if that even makes sense.

I need a lot of alone time in a relationship.  It's hard to carve that out initially.  When dating I'd get it by going home.  After a trip with a BF, where we were together 24/7 I'd need to spend at least that much time apart when we got home.  It wasn't that I didn't love him but that I wanted some solitude.  Finding alone time from my husband in lockdown was tough.  We often hid on different floors of the house.  Even when we vacation now, we do some stuff apart.  

Apart doesn't mean we don't love each other just that we want some solitude.  

[chillii]

 

Yeah , in things she's said there , l wouldn't panic . There were what could be good things in that actually , as if she's expecting this to be big . You know it was too early for your daughter right , especially after what she's been through. But at the same time l can see how nice it would've been for her too , rock and a hard place. GF's probably thinking about that with hers too.

l'd try to relax for a few wks , give her the time , she's been locked up , it's  understandable. She' ll probably miss you a lot too if she's going to , and things will take shape from there.

Good luck.

Edited May 10, 2021 by chillii

[Liketobeloved]

6 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Yeah , in things she's said there , l wouldn't panic . There were what could be good things in that actually , as if she's expecting this to be big . You know it was too early for your daughter right , especially after what she's been through. But at the same time l can see how nice it would've been for her too , rock and a hard place. GF's probably thinking about that with hers too.

l'd try to relax for a few wks , give her the time , she's been locked up , it's  understandable. She' ll probably miss you a lot too if she's going to , and things will take shape from there.

Good luck.

Really appreciated this response. I did try to keep some distance with my daughter but then lockdown happened so it made it difficult. And my daughter really likes her and her daughter really likes me. More than any past bf she had apparently. So that’s a good. 
I’m going to give her the space she needs.  And just hope that the absence makes the heart grow fonder. I suppose this has just come as a bit if a shock because it felt like she didn’t want to be with me. After talking today she says it’s more about her wanting her own time, if that makes sense. 
she says she loves my and sees a future in our relationship so they are positives. As long as she still feels the same after we are not seeing so much of each other. 
ty

[DatingMom]

I completely understand your situation. What's hard is not the amount of time spent together, but going from seeing each other a lot to seeing each other less. It's like living the evolution of a relationship in reverse. 

I was dating this guy for a year and a half. We fell in love hard, and he was really into me and wanted the relationship to progress quickly. He met my children, I met his. We were spending 6 days together per week. At 9 months, he suggested moving in together and we started house shopping together. Then suddenly, he said he was going through some stuff, and wanted to see each other less. He was going through a depression in fact. The moving in together idea was dropped, and we started seeing each other only once or twice a week. I tried to be patient and understanding. His depression improved, but he decided that our relationship had created too much stress and anxiety for him, and he couldn't go back to the relationship we had before. Although he had been very close to my kids, he also decided he no longer wanted to see them regularly. I was heartbroken for a long time, trying to figure out how to handle the situation. He didn't want to break up, he just wanted a different relationship from the one we had started out with. Finally, I had to admit to myself that what I wanted out of a relationship is someone to share my life with, to be close to my children, my family and friends. I was honest with him and told him that. He said: I want to be with you but I can't give you what you want. I decided to walk away even if that was perhaps one of the hardest things that I ever did. I was so so heartbroken, but I also knew that I made the right decision.

I think you shouldn't dismiss how you feel. If what you want is not what she wants, then you will not feel happy in the relationship. If I were you, I would perhaps give her a little space to figure things out. If in a few months, she doesn't seem to want to get back to the kind of relationship that you want, I think you should tell her what she wants, and see what she says. I wouldn't stay with her just because you love her though. Love is sometimes overrated. Love is often not enough to be happy with someone. 

[FMW]

I think it's good that you're willing to give her a little space.  If she's like me, she needs the solitude to get her head clear and keep it that way.  If she's still processing things from her past, she definitely needs that time to have a chance to lay them to rest so that they don't get in the way of the relationship you have with her. 

Try to enjoy the time when she's not with you by focusing on your daughter and doing things that make you happy.  It's understandable that you became very attached under the circumstances, but a little time on your own will be good for you too.  

I agree that you probably should have some kind of time frame in mind though.  At some point, if things aren't the way you want and need them to be, you need to consider whether this relationship is one that's going to work for you in the longer term.  

Edited May 10, 2021 by FMW

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Liketobeloved said:

I really do think she’s very special and think I will give this a go for a few weeks.
Guess as this is my first relationship since the death of my wife I’m just so committed now that I’m scared of getting hurt. 

Eight months into my relationship with my partner, I had just met his son (very limited intaction) and we spent one night a week together and the better part of every other weekend. We were both busy with children, jobs, caring for two homes, friends, family obligations. 

I think the challenge here is that you spent a lot of time together during lockdown, but things are potentially going more back to normal and there are competing demands for her time now. What I find odd is that she’s given you a specific amount of time - two days - while I would be more likely to just say “I’d like to reconnect with friends and family” and then appreciate your flexibility and understanding. 

Personally, I think people are going to have a lot of adjustment to make when life gets back to “normal.” We have all become accustomed to a different way of being during covid, and it will take time for all of us to find balance. 

I have to wonder if she is aware that you are an “all-in” kind of guy who likes to spend lots of time with his partner, needs that to feel loved, and is keen on progressing quickly to secure the relationship - perhaps that is putting some pressure on her as this is still a relatively new relationship... By giving her space, you may actually reassure her that you will respect her need for space. That may actually help her to see that this is a relationship she wants to have in her life. 

I too thinks this could be a nice opportunity for you to spend more time with your daughter. Try not to worry, relationships have times when people want to be together and need their own space. In some ways, this is probably a very natural correction after a lockdown and at this stage of the relationship. People can’t usually keep up the time and energy they spend in the early stages of a relationship. 

I will say, I’m very sorry for the loss of your wife. You sound like a nice man and my heart breaks for your daughter who has lost her mother at such a young age. I understand why you are anxious, I do hope it works out for you. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I need a lot of alone time in a relationship.  It's hard to carve that out initially.  When dating I'd get it by going home.  After a trip with a BF, where we were together 24/7 I'd need to spend at least that much time apart when we got home.  It wasn't that I didn't love him but that I wanted some solitude.  Finding alone time from my husband in lockdown was tough.  We often hid on different floors of the house.  Even when we vacation now, we do some stuff apart.  

Apart doesn't mean we don't love each other just that we want some solitude.  

Totally agree. We used to ask each other - do you need the night alone? And, if the answer was yes we would respect that. 

We still do that now that we live together. I was particularly stressed on Saturday and told him that I needed more time alone on Sunday. I feel much better today having taken that time... and our relationship is all the better for it too!

[smackie9]

Don't sweat it. This is only temporary...hell don't you miss seeing friends and family too? Take advantage of this time away from her to having your time. Get out and do stuff. Maybe take a good look at your response to this. You worry being alone. That says a lot. You have become way too dependent on this relationship. Spread your wings and start filling your life with new friends, meeting old ones, finding a new hobby, build a new social life. Having a life outside the relationship keeps things fresh and balanced.

Edited May 11, 2021 by smackie9

[TrueGuy]

On 5/9/2021 at 6:40 PM, Liketobeloved said:

Have been with my GF for 8mth. We have been friends of friends for a few years but got together just before covid lockdown in the U.K. started. 

Quote

we have spent most days together and have both really enjoyed it. 

You've spent most days together? Not good. You're making yourself way too available and her attraction level for you going to start decreasing because of this. What I would do is to pull back a bit and be a little more hard to get. If she's still attracted to you, she'll respond favorably and be more affectionate. 

 

Quote

but now lockdown is lifting she has said she would like to take a step back and just see each other 2 days a week stating that she wants time to see her friends and be alone. I know she enjoys her own company but I feel that 2 days is just not enough for me. 

This is happening because her romantic attraction for you is falling, and I'm going to guess it's because you are seeing her way too much. If a woman is attracted to you she will want to be around you and will be affectionate towards you. She's pulling away from you and this is usually a sign of falling attraction level. So at the beginning her attraction level for you may have been at around 8.0 out of 10, but now it may have fallen to 3.0 out of 10, it might even have fallen to 0.0 out of 10, but we'll see. If it's above 0.0 out of 10, you can fix it. Like I said above, pull back, stop texting her, stop having conversations on the phone(save your conversation for the dates), date her about once or twice a week but no more, keep things light, humorous, and playful. Do these things and you might be able to make her attraction level increase up to a healthy value again. But don't give up on the relationship yet until you've at least tried my recommendations. 

Good luck, keep us posted as it will help other readers learn this stuff

 

 

Edited May 17, 2021 by TrueGuy

[Liketobeloved]

Thank you so much for this advice