30 no gf, single, and lonely. Want to hear some stories to give me hope.

[lovers]

I am insecure about being 30 and single. I try to have hope like this period of my life will pass and it will get better, but for how long? I think about it, my friends mention it, my family mentions it. I feel like the ones I am able to get which are mostly on dating apps are not what I am looking for. I could not be good as I view myself but I make about 6 figures, been told i am good looking, I work out constantly, I dress decently, keep up with my hygiene, college educated, have a outgoing personality yet it seems the girls I match up with are not good. However I am going bald. I shave my head instead of having a comb over lol. I feel like I post good pictures too. I mostly get attention from women who are really overweight, have multiple kids, do not have a good job, and not very attractive looking. I match up with a dateable girl once in a blue moon but then again she rarely responds. I have seen the number of matches of average women who are not very attractive and its insane. I also feel like the good girls I encounter in my daily life always have someone. 

I know on dating apps it tends to be a girls playground which makes them have a inflated sense of ego. My social life is no good as I live in a relatively small town. I pretty much go to work, go to my local gym and go home. I have barely any friends out here as I moved far away for work. Most of the people I work with are alot older than me and have families so not much there. Feels like finding someone at the moment for me is tough. Because I want to attract good quality girls (i feel like I am a quality guy), but I match up with girls that are below my standards. 

In my 30s I already feel like I need to get something going. I feel like time is ticking. I think about it, my friends mention it, my family mentions it. If I was in my 20s I wouldn't care because I feel like I still have time.

I guess I just want to hear some hope stories. Guys who had bad luck with women and found someone. I don't want to die single and alone no kids or anything. That to me would be sad, yet I don't want to end up with someone I am not attracted to or have no interest in. Just settling with someone to just fit in with society, have regrets, and be miserable.

[ItsTheDay]

Well, if it makes you feel any better. I'll be 40 in a few weeks, and recently single. They say rule of thumb is you should wait 2 to 3 months per year of your pervious relationship before you date again. Well, we were together for 8 years so that looks like close to 2 years before I should date again. 

I'm also going bald, been going bald since my early 30's. I'm short but built, 5'6" 180lbs and my 1RM bench is 345. I don't make 6 figures, my ex does though. My current ex gf, I actually met on a dating app, a year after my other ex of 9 years. I have a friend who is on that same dating app where I met my ex from, okcupid and it's totally changed. he said all apps you have to pay monthly for, I said back then I think the only one you had to pay for was eHarmony. Can't remember, it's been a while since I been on one. 

My current ex was the perfect girl for me, I just wasn't the perfect guy for her. We both didn't want kids and we both loved dogs, our dogs were our kids, that was our family. Both into a healthy life style and working out. Her and I also said at least we have my niece and nephews to look out for us when we get old. But that's all over now. I put my all into her and the relationship. She left me high and dry, hell I don't even have a bed to my name. Renting out a room with a few other roommates, bought a cheap air mattress from Amazon. 

Wish I could give you a good story with a happy ending, I'm just trying to prepare myself to be single from here on out.     

[d0nnivain]

I was 39 when I met my husband.  He was 35.  Neither of us had ever been married. 

I hated the jokes & the pressure so I understand where you are coming from.  But that is no reason to settle. At 1st I ignored the teasing then I made jokes.  After a while I tried to turn the buttinsky's into assets & said " Why?  Do you know somebody who would be perfect for me?"  Most shut up after that.  Some did come through with an introduction.  

I hated OLD.  I lasted a whooping 90 days.  Once lockdowns ease step up your game.  Do at least 1 think per week designed to expand your social circle:  go to a meetup; attend a singles event; go speed dating; volunteer somewhere doing something you are passionate about; eat lunch somewhere new; smile at new people   

[Miss Peach]

How are your social skills if you're at a gathering BBQ, etc. You mention you don't have a lot of friend too so I'm wondering if that is part of your luck with women.

 

I highly recommend going on and finding some things to do in addition to OLD. I really like the website Meetup but there are Facebook groups, clubs, eventbrite, etc. I did that until recently (met my BF) and met a guy to date at about 80% of them.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, lovers said:

I guess I just want to hear some hope stories.

30 is NOT old and IF you are a reasonably desireable attractive single man (particularly living in a large urban area) you will "have options". You may just be hitting your stride - if you keep yourself attractive you could have another 30 years to play with (even more, in theory) where you could be desirable to women.

And in fact you DO have options, which is why you are getting these matches. You'll have to choose from among the women that like you, so presumably just keep looking until you find one who genuinely suits you.

Many women have issues with OLD as well - for example men who flirt and then ghost, pump and dumps, various weirdos and dysfunctional types, etc. Consider, once you're vaccinated, going back to "the real world" e.g. by attending Meetups or similar social gatherings and meeting someone in a F2F situation like that. From what I read women on OLD are often less attractive than their pictures suggest, so you will be in more of a WYSIWYG situation WRT appearance that way as well.

Edited May 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

BTW, here's how (some of) the women feel - more or less the same.

 

 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

(particularly living in a large urban area) you will "have options"

He doesn't though, he lives in a "relatively small town"

[lovers]

3 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

Well, if it makes you feel any better. I'll be 40 in a few weeks, and recently single. They say rule of thumb is you should wait 2 to 3 months per year of your pervious relationship before you date again. Well, we were together for 8 years so that looks like close to 2 years before I should date again. 

I'm also going bald, been going bald since my early 30's. I'm short but built, 5'6" 180lbs and my 1RM bench is 345. I don't make 6 figures, my ex does though. My current ex gf, I actually met on a dating app, a year after my other ex of 9 years. I have a friend who is on that same dating app where I met my ex from, okcupid and it's totally changed. he said all apps you have to pay monthly for, I said back then I think the only one you had to pay for was eHarmony. Can't remember, it's been a while since I been on one. 

My current ex was the perfect girl for me, I just wasn't the perfect guy for her. We both didn't want kids and we both loved dogs, our dogs were our kids, that was our family. Both into a healthy life style and working out. Her and I also said at least we have my niece and nephews to look out for us when we get old. But that's all over now. I put my all into her and the relationship. She left me high and dry, hell I don't even have a bed to my name. Renting out a room with a few other roommates, bought a cheap air mattress from Amazon. 

Wish I could give you a good story with a happy ending, I'm just trying to prepare myself to be single from here on out.     

man thats why I am a bit the way I am. Where I focus on myself mostly and picky with women. I hear too many stories where the guy loses everything and is left high and dry. 

[lovers]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I was 39 when I met my husband.  He was 35.  Neither of us had ever been married. 

I hated the jokes & the pressure so I understand where you are coming from.  But that is no reason to settle. At 1st I ignored the teasing then I made jokes.  After a while I tried to turn the buttinsky's into assets & said " Why?  Do you know somebody who would be perfect for me?"  Most shut up after that.  Some did come through with an introduction.  

I hated OLD.  I lasted a whooping 90 days.  Once lockdowns ease step up your game.  Do at least 1 think per week designed to expand your social circle:  go to a meetup; attend a singles event; go speed dating; volunteer somewhere doing something you are passionate about; eat lunch somewhere new; smile at new people   

yeah i need to have a more social life. i have no social life. just work, gym, and home tbh. 

[lovers]

1 hour ago, Miss Peach said:

How are your social skills if you're at a gathering BBQ, etc. You mention you don't have a lot of friend too so I'm wondering if that is part of your luck with women.

 

I highly recommend going on and finding some things to do in addition to OLD. I really like the website Meetup but there are Facebook groups, clubs, eventbrite, etc. I did that until recently (met my BF) and met a guy to date at about 80% of them.

at bbq i tend to stick around people i know. then again i dont have very much opportunities to socialize. huge part of my luck is that i don't get to have alot of interaction with available women. 

[lovers]

49 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

30 is NOT old and IF you are a reasonably desireable attractive single man (particularly living in a large urban area) you will "have options". You may just be hitting your stride - if you keep yourself attractive you could have another 30 years to play with (even more, in theory) where you could be desirable to women.

And in fact you DO have options, which is why you are getting these matches. You'll have to choose from among the women that like you, so presumably just keep looking until you find one who genuinely suits you.

Many women have issues with OLD as well - for example men who flirt and then ghost, pump and dumps, various weirdos and dysfunctional types, etc. Consider, once you're vaccinated, going back to "the real world" e.g. by attending Meetups or similar social gatherings and meeting someone in a F2F situation like that. From what I read women on OLD are often less attractive than their pictures suggest, so you will be in more of a WYSIWYG situation WRT appearance that way as well.

my biggest knock is i am going bald. i buzz my hair real close but i wear hats alot when going out. had times where women got turned off knowing i was bald underneath there. 

[mark clemson]

Yeah, there are things you can control and things you can't.

Keep in mind that, while physical attraction, including the hair thing, is important at the start, for many women (unlike most men) the sexual cues are more psychological in nature. So for example, your body language, confidence level, status in society, apparent social dominance, etc. While it's certainly an issue, if you can "make a strong impression" on a woman on a first date the baldness is unlikely to be too much of a factor.

You are a confident go-getter with a good job (or GREAT prospects), interested in a serious LTR, and a fantastic life ahead of you. Friendly and great social skills. You're just a bit of a bad-boy, but also a serious person with a future ahead of them and too smart to blow it.

Manage to come across like this, and I bet many women simply won't care whether you're bald.

Edited May 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[Blind-Sided]

OK.... I'm going to break this down a little, and I will respond with the numbers.

13 hours ago, lovers said:

1) I am insecure about being 30 and single.

2) However I am going bald. I shave my head instead of having a comb over lol.

3) I feel like I post good pictures too. I mostly get attention from women who are really overweight, have multiple kids, do not have a good job, and not very attractive looking. I match up with a dateable girl once in a blue moon but then again she rarely responds. I have seen the number of matches of average women who are not very attractive and its insane. I also feel like the good girls I encounter in my daily life always have someone. 

4) Most of the people I work with are a lot older than me and have families so not much there. 

5) I guess I just want to hear some hope stories. 

Before I get started.... just reading your post feels like a "Woe is me" kind of thing.  And guess what??????  When you feel that way... you will put out that vibe.  That is not attractive to a woman. You need to be confident in yourself, and others will be attracted to that. 

But now to the numbers...

1) Why?  you are still young for a guy. I get it when it's a girl.  She has only so many years to (safely) start a family.  But guys can be fathers as late in life as the guy wants.  I'm sure there will be a lot of the women here who will say the same.... you are young, and don't worry about age. 

2) So?  I started going thin when I was 20... and was more or less bald when I was 30.  I also refused to do the comb-over... and plugs or any other method was expensive.  But... even when I was in college... girls didn't seem to mind.  And, while it was a consideration after my divorce... every single girl I was introduced to didn't seem to care.  So that should make you smile. 

3) So... why do you think you attract girls who you aren't attracted to?   I think part of it is... from your post... you are relying on OLD.  What are you doing in real life to meet someone?  Going to a gym never seemed like a good idea. (For meeting) Are you going to any local events?  I know with COVID it's not easy, but most of the world is starting to open again. 

4) So?  Are you friends with any of them?   If you are... then you should ask them if they know of any girls in your range who are single.  I found after my D... friends putting me in contact with their single friends was the best method. It also weeded out the crazy girls since my friends didn't want to see me with them. LOL. 

5) OK... here's a story for you.   After my D... I wasn't sure where I would meet anyone new.  I didn't go to bars, or clubs, and my hobbies were "Guy" oriented. But, when I was finally ready, I point blank asked my friends (mostly female friends) If they had any single friends.  It took a little while, but eventually... there was 5 or 6 girls who were interested.  AND... when I would go out on a group outings... there was a couple times where friends of friends would start to tell me about their single friends. Basically, once I put myself out there... and I wasn't being a sad-sack from a D and loss of a 20 year relationship... there was more girls than I could have hopped for. (I was 48 at the time) My current GF is 27, has a crazy sex drive and a rock'in butt.  She doesn't care that I'm old, wrinkled and bald. She makes me happy, and we have been together for just over a year now.

So..... don't worry about it... don't try so hard... and try not to put out a vibe that is unsure or sad.

You will be fine, and I wish you luck in moving forward. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, lovers said:

I feel like time is ticking. I think about it, my friends mention it, my family mentions it.

Is your family pressuring you? Do your friends help you by going out with you or inviting you places where single women will be? Do you volunteer, if you don't like dating apps? Do you belong to groups, clubs, sports, etc.? 

Best to forget the pressure and "girls have it so easy" mindset. The victim mentality won't get you date.  

[ItsTheDay]

8 minutes ago, lovers said:

man thats why I am a bit the way I am. Where I focus on myself mostly and picky with women. I hear too many stories where the guy loses everything and is left high and dry. 

I have no one to blame but myself. I'm not blaming her at all, It's not her fault that I put all my time and energy into her and HER house. My ex gf before her (2003-2012), we had an apartment together. We broke up, she had no where to go so I left the apartment and moved back in with my parents to save some money up, but that didn't go as planned. About 10 months later I met my current ex. She was renting a house with her brother and another friend but she was currently house shopping. I eventually started going to look at houses with her, she asked me too. About 7 months later she bought her house that both her and I liked and a few months after she asked me to move in. Like I said, she makes good money but I make Okish money. She knew this going in a relationship with me. Her mother never liked that I didn't go to college and I don't make as much or more as her. She told her mother that it didn't matter to her, blah blah blah.

I never felt more of a loser as I do now. 40 years old and I'm renting a room just to survive. I had a damn nice truck that was almost paid off, traded it in just for something to get me by. I had 2 of the best dogs you would ever meet, one of which we had a very rare bond with. He would also be by myside. She did tell me she wanted me to take him, I just shook my head because she seems to forget that I have NOTHING. Apartments near by in my town, are ridiculous. One bed room and studio's start at 1500 a month. I would have to look about 30-45 mins away in the "ghetto" parts for something I could afford and get by, no thanks. 

Again, I only blame myself and it's the reason why I'm self loathing. 

 

[ItsTheDay]

33 minutes ago, lovers said:

yeah i need to have a more social life. i have no social life. just work, gym, and home tbh. 

That's also my problem. Most of my friends are married with kids, I also moved away from them to be with my ex. Not extremely far but far enough that it makes it hard to see and when/if I do meet them, it's always on daddy time. My one good friend took a turn for the worse and Haven't talked to him in about 6 years now. Just work, gym and xbox/netflix for me now. 

[lovers]

2 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

That's also my problem. Most of my friends are married with kids, I also moved away from them to be with my ex. Not extremely far but far enough that it makes it hard to see and when/if I do meet them, it's always on daddy time. My one good friend took a turn for the worse and Haven't talked to him in about 6 years now. Just work, gym and xbox/netflix for me now. 

Yes! I don't know if you get this too but when you get older more of your friends are married with kids which makes it harder to hang out. Loneliness is the one that gets to me. Your guy friends who you used to hang out with have found someone and you have even more time to just be by yourself. 

[ItsTheDay]

Just now, lovers said:

Yes! I don't know if you get this too but when you get older more of your friends are married with kids which makes it harder to hang out. Loneliness is the one that gets to me. Your guy friends who you used to hang out with have found someone and you have even more time to just be by yourself. 

Exactly! Besides going out of state to visit my family since my breakup, I've been isolated. My 8 year anniversary with my ex was actually last week, and we had a "romantic getaway" booked for the entire week. An adult resort with a private heated indoor pool and a champagne glass hot tub. I was really looking forward to it.  The day after our anniversary, I actually went over her house to get some more of my things. She wasn't there, she's been leaving the key under the mat so I can get in. She went out on our anniversary date, probably with the new guy she's talking to. Felt like a kick in the nuts. I know about the other guy, she met him 2 weeks after she broke up with me through her friend. She denied it up and down until I called her out on it. Then she said he's just a friend and she has nothing to give another man right now....mmhmm. 

But yeah, I'm back to having no social life. My friends don't go out anymore, they have families to take care of. Thing that sucks is, even know I'll be 40 soon and I been in 2 LTR that equal almost 18 years of my life, I had no problems getting girls. I was 18 in my first relationship and that lasted almost 2 years. When her I broke up, word go around and I swear I couldn't keep girls off of me. I had no problem filling that void in my life. Same thing after my 2nd ex, girl after girl and a bunch of one night stands but I was getting pretty wore out and tired of just sex, so I decided to give online dating a try. Pretty much same thing, most just wanted hook ups. I was actually seeing/talking to 2 other girls but for some reason I really liked her and ended the other two. I never rushed her into anything and went with the flow with her. I think it took close to 6 months after dating until we had sex. I had confidence back then, felt like I was on top of the world. Not sure if that's what attracted the girls or not but I don't have that same confidence now. I have the best body I ever had but I can't really change being short of bald.  I really thought deep down she was going to be the one. I don't know why, but I still have some hope but I know it's 100% over.      

[Miss Peach]

2 hours ago, lovers said:

my biggest knock is i am going bald. i buzz my hair real close but i wear hats alot when going out. had times where women got turned off knowing i was bald underneath there. 

Two of my exes are balding types. One shaved his head. I have dated a few other balding men. This isn't going to be a deal breaker for all women. For me, I care about the connection a lot and that can compensate to some degree for looks. In another 10 years there will be a large number of men in the same boat.

[Miss Spider]

Hey... how’re you doing.... 😏? Just kidding , uh, maybe wait a little while longer and try to  meet people in the wild. OLD isn’t the answer for everyone. Open your social circle a bit. Friends who can introduce you to people or meet within circles . They might be more what are more what you’re looking for and it won’t feel so forced ... You sound like you have a good start/a lot going for you. Best x 

[dramafreezone]

There is undoubtedly something you're giving off in person and through your OLD profiles that screams low value.  Doesn't mean you ARE low value, but perception is all that matters with attraction.  You're getting what you perceive to be low quality matches when you have so much going for you.  So you are misrepresenting the real "you."

First off, is it possible for you to move?  Dating is ultimately a numbers game, and in smaller towns the numbers are not in your favor.  I would strongly consider moving to a highly populated area so that the numbers can work more in your favor.

Second, you have to fix your mindset.  You're meeting women that you say are below your standards, but have you ever thought that you are below the standards of women that you think you should be with?  Look at the guys that these women are going for and try to identify a common denominator.  That's probably your blind/weak spot.  I would tend to think that your major issue is a scarcity mindset.  You think what you're looking for is not that plentiful, which is not true.  But you have to put yourself in the best situation to succeed.

Whenever you do match up with someone, how do you behave?  Extremely eager?  Women can sense when you're putting so much into one date, and many of them don't approach dating that same way.  They get lots of matches so many of them approach the date with the mindset of "let's see what happens" not thinking what their wedding will look like, what their children will look like, what type of house they'll get?  They have too many options on average to put that much investment in one guy. 

When we guys are in scarcity, we tend to go from 0 to 100 mph, so I understand, I've been there.  Few women want to be the center of your life.  Most well adjusted women want to be a part of an already rich and fulfilling life.  So "build it and she will come."  Build a fulfilling life full of family, hobbies, career.  I don't recommend traditional OLD, but if you want to go that route, you need to sell a fulfilling lifestyle.  That's attractive, and good women will naturally want to be near it.

Edited May 10, 2021 by dramafreezone

[dramafreezone]

4 hours ago, lovers said:

my biggest knock is i am going bald. i buzz my hair real close but i wear hats alot when going out. had times where women got turned off knowing i was bald underneath there. 

Also, this is your insecurity.  You cannot control who cares about baldness. 

You need to accept that some women won't like baldness (so they are not options for you), but others won't care in the least.   Those women that don't care are your options and who deserve your attention.  Remember that you have your own preferences, so you can't really blame women for having their own preferences and it's not personal.

[d0nnivain]

22 hours ago, lovers said:

yeah i need to have a more social life. i have no social life. just work, gym, and home tbh. 

So do things to expand your social life.  Join something.  Get involved in an organization doing something you care about.  Take a calculated risk.  

[Interstellar]

this is easier said but you have to find your niche, it may take some time. you said you’re into fitness great, there’s CrossFit gyms, orange theory is great also, F45 is another good one. high intensity cardio combined with weights, get those endorphins rushing. the great thing about these classes is they’re built around a community of like minded people. bonds are sure to develop. best of luck!

Edited May 24, 2021 by Interstellar

[BeanCounter]

Stop worrying so much about going bald. A lot of women actually are attracted to bald men, it's probably a lot bigger deal to you than it is to most women. Just embrace who you are. Are there women who are going to turn you down strictly on that? Of course. But it's not a majority of them. EVERYONE has some quality that they're going to be outright rejected by someone on.

I would also recommend to stop trying so hard. Go on more casual dates, even if you think "the girl is beneath you." At best, you're surprised by somebody you actually end up liking. At worst, you get more experience dating and talking to women and end it quickly. Every girl you go on a date with doesn't need to meet all the items on your checklist.

There's a LOT of success stories of people who find their partner and start families well into their 30's. I don't have one of myself personally YET, but a very good friend of mine was extremely attractive, had a six figure job, super fun personality, really had it all. Was single into her mid 30's. Met the right guy, got married last year, and now has a baby with him. It happens, just don't put so much pressure on yourself