taylor92 Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 (edited) first post hope it's the right section. I'm in a relationship (me 29M, she 27F) with someone who I think is the love of my life. we've been together for 2 years, living together for 1 year, I have nothing to complain about. thing is shortly after we got serious, she told me about a sex experience she had at a houseparty with friends before we even knew each other - they all had mdma (it was her first and only time), there was a couple at the party in an open relationship (she's not their friend), the girl of the couple was really pushing her boyfriend to make out with her (my gf), it happened, things got hot and they basically got naked and had sex in front of everybody. the girl joined them after a while. the other people there and her friends didn't join them, just sat there and watched the whole thing. this was before me, she was single, had an experience, I guess I should be ok with that. but somehow I feel very uncomfortable about it, especially when we're hanging out with her friends and this story comes up - it's been 2 years and they still mention it if we're talking about drugs or sex. it crushes my heart in a weird way and I don't know why. I've had similar experiences before in life, I consider myself open-minded. I'm straight but I've had experiences with guys, and girls, or both at the same time. I've used many types of drugs before, haven't done that ever since I met her though. I use to party hard every weekend before I met her. she knows all of it and is fine. I'm no prude. I can sense she feels a bit ashamed about this experience in particular too. she hasn't seen that couple ever since that party happened and hates the idea of seeing them. last time that party was mentioned she even said to me "I'm sorry I did that, I was legit on drugs", which I replied with "you don't have to apologize for that, you were single and had a wild experience, that's fine". we're very honest, open, and loving with each other and that's why I say she's who I want to be with... altho I have not mentioned these feelings yet 'cause it feels like I don't have any reasons to feel them (but still I do?). this definitely doesn't make me want to break up with her or love her any less. she doesn't party often and I'm usually with her anyway, she never drinks too much, she doesn't do drugs either. that's literally something she did once. I don't care about the other experiences she has shared with me. it's just confusing to me why I have these feelings where I feel weird about it. it's also confusing cause when I picture the situation, it weirdly turns me on, cause it's something I know I would do or would probably like to see. I've been in an open relationship before with my ex (female too), but me and my gf are monogamous atm. not sure what I'm looking for, just wondering how to deal with this better I guess... Edited May 10, 2021 by taylor92 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 You feel the way you do because now you know your GF is a spoiled flower... Perhaps before then you realized your girlfriend was not a virgin, but this experience pushes it right into your face viscerally. I would also be concerned because you said the other girl joined in as well. Is your GF bi? Did she do things with the girl as well as the guy? And all in front of an audience... is she sure no one pulled out a phone and recorded it... sheesh... As she was high on MDMA, I would be concerned with what happens to her when she does alcohol or smokes a joint as well... If this were my gf, I'd have a lot to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author taylor92 Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 28 minutes ago, Poutrew said: You feel the way you do because now you know your GF is a spoiled flower... Perhaps before then you realized your girlfriend was not a virgin, but this experience pushes it right into your face viscerally. I would also be concerned because you said the other girl joined in as well. Is your GF bi? Did she do things with the girl as well as the guy? And all in front of an audience... is she sure no one pulled out a phone and recorded it... sheesh... As she was high on MDMA, I would be concerned with what happens to her when she does alcohol or smokes a joint as well... If this were my gf, I'd have a lot to think about. sorry I'm not looking for judgemental and plain mean comments. this was very unhelpful. I trust her completely, she's very honest and sincere. I have never ever caught her in a lie or telling me different stories about the same thing. yes, that surely was a crazy experience she had, but it doesn't reflect her personality as a whole at all. I never had a single reason not to trust her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 What are her thoughts on this from the aspect of consent? She was altered and you've described a lot of pressure for her to do this. In my view, her "friends" have a lot to answer for. Based on what she/you describe, it sounds like there was both a lack of informed consent and pressure/coersion. Friends are supposed to look after their altered mates. Not have sex with them in the middle of the floor in full view of everyone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 3 hours ago, taylor92 said: I feel very uncomfortable about it, especially when we're hanging out with her friends and this story comes up - it's been 2 years and they still mention it if we're talking about drugs or sex. it crushes my heart in a weird way and I don't know why What's weird is that none of these people seem to have boundaries or discretion. What would make them think it's an appropriate topic of conversation when you are right there? Does your girlfriend shut down this topic when it comes up? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 3 hours ago, taylor92 said: not sure what I'm looking for, just wondering how to deal with this better I guess... And.... 3 hours ago, taylor92 said: sorry I'm not looking for judgemental and plain mean comments. this was very unhelpful. You may find you are not in the right place looking for help.... I suggest IC.... Often paying a professional will get you better results. This sounds like it is your issue, not your GF's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author taylor92 Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, basil67 said: What are her thoughts on this from the aspect of consent? She was altered and you've described a lot of pressure for her to do this. In my view, her "friends" have a lot to answer for. Based on what she/you describe, it sounds like there was both a lack of informed consent and pressure/coersion. Friends are supposed to look after their altered mates. Not have sex with them in the middle of the floor in full view of everyone else. she was altered, but it was consensual (as far as she tells me). we've talked about this before when she first mentioned it, and I was curious as to know how it all happened, she says that MDMA made her feel happy and like she didn't care about anything, so she was ok (at the time) with people watching. the very next day she felt ashamed and embarassed, but she talked to her closest friends that were there and they made her feel better about it. all in all she (and them) sees it as a "wild experience". 52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What's weird is that none of these people seem to have boundaries or discretion. What would make them think it's an appropriate topic of conversation when you are right there? Does your girlfriend shut down this topic when it comes up? well honestly I don't mind talking about her previous experiences etc. if anything it brings us closer, imo. I feel like we're best friends and it feels nice to have that person with me. I'm not ashamed to tell her anything, and she feels the same about me. we both understand we had a life before each other and we don't feel like we have to hide it. but no, she doesn't shut the topic down. it's usually quick jokes. say someone mentions they had MDMA, then another friend might say something like "did you go crazy like X did that night?" and that's all. but everytime I hear about it, it makes my heart skip a beat. Idk why Edited May 10, 2021 by taylor92 Link to post Share on other sites
Author taylor92 Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 (edited) 48 minutes ago, Caauug said: And.... You may find you are not in the right place looking for help.... I suggest IC.... Often paying a professional will get you better results. This sounds like it is your issue, not your GF's. no idea what IC is... anyway I agree, I do feel like it's my problem. while I feel like I could talk to her about it or anything, I also think "ok, but what's the point?". there's no way to "fix" this, it's not like she f***ed up or something... just wish I could understand why I feel this way Edited May 10, 2021 by taylor92 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 11 minutes ago, taylor92 said: but no, she doesn't shut the topic down. This is the problem. You speak as though you're the one with the problem for reacting the way you do to these conversations. But the problem is that your girlfriend does not enforce boundaries with these people. Do you think it's not normal that you are uncomfortable with these conversations? If so, why do you think that? I don't think I know anyone who would be nonchalant about this, OP. You don't have to pretend it doesn't bother you when these people bring up her sexual past. It's inappropriate of them to do so when you're right there. Period. You and your girlfriend talking about your sexual pasts together isn't serving to bring you closer - it's giving her the impression that you are okay with these talks. Don't be afraid to assert yourself. Speak up if it makes you uncomfortable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 14 minutes ago, taylor92 said: just wish I could understand why I feel this way Because it's normal to be uncomfortable with other people discussing your girlfriend's crazy night of sex in front of you? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 Seems to me this wild night was a significant event in the group's history, so they keep referencing it. It is like a shocking story that defines the group and reinforces their bonding. "Remember when" stories bring people closer together. Unfortunately you were not and are not part of the group, so them using your gf's story to get closer is lost on you. Even your gf may find them bringing it up. is a good thing. She may feel included and maybe even feel like she is an important member of the group, a celebrity. I do not sense she was damaged by the experience, but I could be wrong. You OTOH are shocked every time, but also turned on, which is an uncomfortable place to be. You feel you SHOULD be shocked even disgusted & outraged but instead you are turned on, and that just doesn't feel right to you... Speaking it all out to a therapist may be helpful to put it into perspective 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 6 hours ago, taylor92 said: - they all had mdma, things got hot and they basically got naked and had sex in front of everybody. You don't have to "be ok" with it. Be yourself. Why is she still hanging out with these people and reminiscing about it if she is supposedly embarrassed by it? Hopefully her drugs and orgy days are in the past, now that you two are living together. No one "has to be ok with" anything. That's a myth. If her past is something that gives you hesitation, that's fine, but... Then you need to end it or a least not hang out with these people and communicate about it. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 As she was comfortable with the way it happened, I will give you my other line of thought: Emotions aren't always logical. You might feel hypocritical having conflicting feelings about her past when putting it in context with your adventurous past, but you're only human and sometimes our feelings don't make rational sense. When I have irrational feelings, I try to tread that line between privately acknowledging how I feel but also reminding myself that I'm not being logical. That said, I never share my irrational feelings with my partner because they are my problem to deal with. Also, the other posters have raised some interesting ideas about how the friends keep rehashing it. It would sit oddly with me too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 2 hours ago, taylor92 said: no idea what IC is... Independent Counseling or therapy. A professional that will help you come to terms with what you are dealing with. Everyone has a history, everyone has skeletons, some are hidden, this one you know about.... 7 hours ago, taylor92 said: I'm in a relationship (me 29M, she 27F) with someone who I think is the love of my life. we've been together for 2 years, living together for 1 year, I have nothing to complain about. Been with her for 2 years, living with her for one, you are now reaching out because this is bothering you.... Why? You have known about this for a while.... Why is this bothering you now??? Are you now pedestalizing her? If you are, don't do this, this is not what she wants/needs.... Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 Have you tried talking to her about your feelings? Not just the event itself, but how it makes you uncomfortable when her friends bring it up and how you find it kind of arousing too? Just talk about it, without any real end goal other than exploring your feelings together. It sounds like you have a healthy and solid relationship so I'm sure she'd be open to just having a discussion. Sit on the couch, maybe make some popcorn, and talk about how you feel (and emphasize that you aren't angry at her and you appreciate her being honest with you). She may benefit too from the ability to share her feelings about it since it sounds like she's felt too embarrassed to say much. By the way it's perfectly normal to have feelings that are conflicted or a little hypocritical. Emotions aren't rational! What matters is managing them appropriately and giving them the proper weight. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 It sounds like the biggest problem here is that her friends keep talking about it, and that's what is making you uncomfortable. Maybe what needs to happen is that she needs to have a serious talk with her friends and tell them that she does not want them to bring it up anymore. After that, put this in the past and LET IT GO. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 It happened. It's not great that it happened & it's pretty rotten that her "friends" keep bringing it up. For me the real Q would be what is the likelihood that it would happen again, especially does she want it to happen again? Your post kind of reads like this was in her past but then you say it comes up when somebody in the group mentions having or taking MDMA in the present. That is the part that I would not tolerate. I don't like drugs & I don't spend time with people who do drugs. If there is a possibility that drugs are in your GFs life now, I'd be outta there but that's me. If you don't have those bright line boundaries that I do, at the very least you need to tell your GF that while you are not judging her for an out of control night in her past, you really need it to stay in the past & you would prefer that she shut down all comments about that night when the subject comes up. She has to make it know that the subject is closed & off limits now out of respect for you. If her friends don't respect that, they are rotten friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 5 hours ago, taylor92 said: Idk why You are an open-minded, loving, accepting person...but every person has a line and this action crosses your line. This is dissonant to your values/who you are, that's why. Do you think if she stops talking about it and shuts her friends down when they do that you will be able to move past this, forget it, let it go? Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 (edited) 20 hours ago, taylor92 said: first post hope it's the right section. I'm in a relationship (me 29M, she 27F) with someone who I think is the love of my life. we've been together for 2 years, living together for 1 year, I have nothing to complain about. thing is shortly after we got serious, she told me about a sex experience she had at a houseparty with friends before we even knew each other - they all had mdma (it was her first and only time), there was a couple at the party in an open relationship (she's not their friend), the girl of the couple was really pushing her boyfriend to make out with her (my gf), it happened, things got hot and they basically got naked and had sex in front of everybody. the girl joined them after a while. the other people there and her friends didn't join them, just sat there and watched the whole thing. this was before me, she was single, had an experience, I guess I should be ok with that. but somehow I feel very uncomfortable about it, especially when we're hanging out with her friends and this story comes up - it's been 2 years and they still mention it if we're talking about drugs or sex. it crushes my heart in a weird way and I don't know why. I've had similar experiences before in life, I consider myself open-minded. I'm straight but I've had experiences with guys, and girls, or both at the same time. I've used many types of drugs before, haven't done that ever since I met her though. I use to party hard every weekend before I met her. she knows all of it and is fine. I'm no prude. I can sense she feels a bit ashamed about this experience in particular too. she hasn't seen that couple ever since that party happened and hates the idea of seeing them. last time that party was mentioned she even said to me "I'm sorry I did that, I was legit on drugs", which I replied with "you don't have to apologize for that, you were single and had a wild experience, that's fine". we're very honest, open, and loving with each other and that's why I say she's who I want to be with... altho I have not mentioned these feelings yet 'cause it feels like I don't have any reasons to feel them (but still I do?). this definitely doesn't make me want to break up with her or love her any less. she doesn't party often and I'm usually with her anyway, she never drinks too much, she doesn't do drugs either. that's literally something she did once. I don't care about the other experiences she has shared with me. it's just confusing to me why I have these feelings where I feel weird about it. it's also confusing cause when I picture the situation, it weirdly turns me on, cause it's something I know I would do or would probably like to see. I've been in an open relationship before with my ex (female too), but me and my gf are monogamous atm. not sure what I'm looking for, just wondering how to deal with this better I guess... Dang that's pretty hot. If she wasn't somewhat regretful of the situation then that would be a red flag. It happened, she can't erase the past, you have a past. Hopefully your feelings of unease will subside with time. You have to speak up and say that you don't mind that she has a past but you don't want to hear about it anymore. Edited May 11, 2021 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 You have to have a different perspective...hers. She was taken advantage of. She trusted those friends, and thought it was safe to try this drug. The sad part is no one stepped in and removed her from that situation. This was borderline rape IMO. If I were her, I would have questioned that maybe this was actually planned and several were in on it. You should be feeling sorry for her, and feel her grief. It wasn't an experience she ever wanted to do. This is traumatic for her. She told you because she needed to unload, she feels safe enough with you to disclose this embarrassment. In other words, have some empathy. This isn't some exciting sexapade, that she's bragging about. Women are victimized more often than you can ever imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 This could be because it was done in front of all her friends. They all watched her have this experience. Also the fact that they won’t let it alone. If they see it upsets her, why do they continue to bring it up? Not very good friends in my book. Your feelings are legit, don’t try to excuse them. Talk it out with your girlfriend to get past them. She can help you with that. I would also suggest to start finding a new friend group. Link to post Share on other sites
Author taylor92 Posted May 18, 2021 Author Share Posted May 18, 2021 sorry for taking a long time to reply, had very intense days of work lately. thanks all of you for helping me addressing this. On 5/10/2021 at 7:52 PM, elaine567 said: Seems to me this wild night was a significant event in the group's history, so they keep referencing it. It is like a shocking story that defines the group and reinforces their bonding. "Remember when" stories bring people closer together. Unfortunately you were not and are not part of the group, so them using your gf's story to get closer is lost on you. Even your gf may find them bringing it up. is a good thing. She may feel included and maybe even feel like she is an important member of the group, a celebrity. I do not sense she was damaged by the experience, but I could be wrong. You OTOH are shocked every time, but also turned on, which is an uncomfortable place to be. You feel you SHOULD be shocked even disgusted & outraged but instead you are turned on, and that just doesn't feel right to you... Speaking it all out to a therapist may be helpful to put it into perspective this one comment in particular was very spot on. it does seem like that. it was a memorable experience for all of them, it bonds them together for sure. there's one friend that brings it up very often, the other ones kinda never mention it. in a way, she was damaged by the experience and she wants to stay away from any kind of drugs - which I guess is a good thing. she did once mention that she would have mdma again if it was both of us doing it, cause she trusts me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author taylor92 Posted May 18, 2021 Author Share Posted May 18, 2021 (edited) On 5/10/2021 at 11:35 PM, d0nnivain said: Your post kind of reads like this was in her past but then you say it comes up when somebody in the group mentions having or taking MDMA in the present. That is the part that I would not tolerate. I don't like drugs & I don't spend time with people who do drugs. If there is a possibility that drugs are in your GFs life now, I'd be outta there but that's me. If you don't have those bright line boundaries that I do, at the very least you need to tell your GF that while you are not judging her for an out of control night in her past, you really need it to stay in the past & you would prefer that she shut down all comments about that night when the subject comes up. She has to make it know that the subject is closed & off limits now out of respect for you. If her friends don't respect that, they are rotten friends. I've had a few types of drugs before and honestly I don't think it's that bad, unless you make it a habit. it can be fun. these friends of her don't often do drugs, it was really a one night experience for her, and the other ones have had it a few times, but that's it I guess. like I said I've been with her for 2 years, not even once they suggested having drugs... they usually relate that story with another story that's going on. I trust her and she's very open/honest with me, her friends do see me as a friend too, maybe that's why they talk about it as if I'm not only her boyfriend but also a friend/part of the group, which I think is nice in a way, but can be uncomfortable as well. also during these 2 years, she never once mentioned having any kind of drugs. we smoked weed once. that is all we did in these 2 years. On 5/12/2021 at 12:44 AM, smackie9 said: You have to have a different perspective...hers. She was taken advantage of. She trusted those friends, and thought it was safe to try this drug. The sad part is no one stepped in and removed her from that situation. This was borderline rape IMO. If I were her, I would have questioned that maybe this was actually planned and several were in on it. You should be feeling sorry for her, and feel her grief. It wasn't an experience she ever wanted to do. This is traumatic for her. She told you because she needed to unload, she feels safe enough with you to disclose this embarrassment. In other words, have some empathy. This isn't some exciting sexapade, that she's bragging about. Women are victimized more often than you can ever imagine. the thing is I'm not entirely sure how engaged she was on this. whenever she talks about it she says she just felt very confident, happy and that it was ok to do that. she once said it was a 'fun night'. it doesn't sound like rape to me. I don't know if they were pressuring her to do it or something but it doesn't seem like it... she definitely doesn't bring it up herself or brag about it tho. On 5/11/2021 at 12:29 AM, Timshel said: You are an open-minded, loving, accepting person...but every person has a line and this action crosses your line. This is dissonant to your values/who you are, that's why. Do you think if she stops talking about it and shuts her friends down when they do that you will be able to move past this, forget it, let it go? yes I might, as time passes I feel like the story doesn't "shock" me as much. like I said it's weird 'cause it's a turn on in a way, I've had an open relationship before and I liked seeing my ex with other guys. I would probably like watching her there, maybe even join her. lol I feel like a hypocrite, why does it shock me when I would have done the same? Edited May 18, 2021 by taylor92 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 18, 2021 Share Posted May 18, 2021 4 minutes ago, taylor92 said: there's one friend that brings it up very often The next time they do this in your presence, why not just directly say that you would appreciate if they don't discuss it in front of you? Nip it in the bud yourself if nobody else is going to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author taylor92 Posted May 18, 2021 Author Share Posted May 18, 2021 On 5/10/2021 at 10:47 PM, lana-banana said: Have you tried talking to her about your feelings? Not just the event itself, but how it makes you uncomfortable when her friends bring it up and how you find it kind of arousing too? Just talk about it, without any real end goal other than exploring your feelings together. It sounds like you have a healthy and solid relationship so I'm sure she'd be open to just having a discussion. Sit on the couch, maybe make some popcorn, and talk about how you feel (and emphasize that you aren't angry at her and you appreciate her being honest with you). She may benefit too from the ability to share her feelings about it since it sounds like she's felt too embarrassed to say much. By the way it's perfectly normal to have feelings that are conflicted or a little hypocritical. Emotions aren't rational! What matters is managing them appropriately and giving them the proper weight. I haven't, cause I've felt for these 2 years it is my problem. I was hoping it would fade away completely in time, but it hasn't yet. next time it's brought up I will try to talk to her about it when we are alone. I think she would understand. I honestly don't judge her for it, and I won't ever hold it against her. I think talking would help me relieving these feelings, thanks for your suggestion Link to post Share on other sites
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