Should I keep contact for the sake of my baby?

[smuggy95]

My father died not even a year ago and my family thought I was horrible and uncaring, whereas I think they were crazy and dramatic. I wasn't "sad enough" and spending more time caring for my wife and my 3 month old son, than for my mom or my sister. 

I moved away  to a new job because my mom was already suggesting when would be a good time for me to divorce my wife, and I felt this was all toxic, plus other reasons (Covid cut my job hours by a lot). I've made the effort to come back to visit. I can tell there is still a lot of anger and hatred. I've tried to ignore it and just make the connection so my son can have a grandmother. My sister refuses to see him even though she apparently cries and misses him, because she 'can't be fake'. 

Some of cousins are also part of this- they also think I'm horrible. I also tried to make time for them but honestly was kind of glad when they had other plans during our trip home. They send my son a birthday gift and I was OK with it, because again, I just thought if you want to love my son, I don't want to stop it.

But more drama is bubbling up, and I know my sister and my cousins talk to each other, they're her flying monkeys.

Now the gift doesn't feel so great...I can't pinpoint the feeling, why accepting the gift makes me unsettled.  I don't know about people loving my son while not respecting us, the parents. But I also don't want withhold my child, it'll be seen as vindictive especially since he's a link to my father, whom they did love.

 

I don't know why I feel bad about the present and I want to send it back, is anyone able to help me understand what I'm feeling?

 

[Taramere]

7 hours ago, smuggy4 said:

I don't know why I feel bad about the present and I want to send it back, is anyone able to help me understand what I'm feeling?

 

Well, your making your family (wife and child) your priority as you should - and it's clearly something your birth family is finding hard to manage.  Probably worsened considerably by the loss of your father.  It's unfortunate that you've all got into this "you're not grieving for dad in the right way" situation...but I don't think it's that uncommon in a bereavement situation where there's already conflict.  People prescribing the "correct" way to grieve, and criticising family members who don't follow it.  When you say they were being crazy and dramatic in their grief, is that a standalone opinion or is it influenced by their perception that you weren't sad enough?

You're in a dilemma where you don't know what's best for your son.  All I can say is that my brother married into a family where there were some issues, divisions and a lot of gossipy backbiting, which changed the dynamics he had with his birth family too.  I often felt concerned that his kids were being exposed to b****ing and familial politics that kids should not be exposed to.  However, it seems to me that they grew up pretty functional all the same.  Lots of families have dramas that children can seem quite surprisingly resilient to.  I think the key is to ensure that there are adults in their lives who resist the drama, show restraint re gossiping (even if they know they themselves are the subject of catty comments in front of the kids).  Children, I think, often assess things far more fairly than we imagine (even if they do get sucked into the drama at times) and can often even seem to have more maturity than adults!  Admittedly that might be partly because they haven't had time to acquire the amount of emotional baggage that adults often carry around.  So long as your son's primary home is a loving, stable environment where adults are adults and don't drag kids into their conflicts my guess is that any disrespect he sees extended family members show towards you will influence his perception of them rather than of you.

I'd keep the present.  I don't think there's anything positive to be gained from returning it.

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Taramere

[smuggy95]

Thanks Taramere. The last paragraphs were insightful. While I did mean that my perception of them being dramatic and crazy was exacerbated by their intense anger at me (when I did come over to help there was a lot of eye rolling, closing the doors to discuss finances secretly because I was there 'for the money' (and shock when they realized my dad had entrusted his log-in to me to handle the finances, but they then took it and shut me out)), I will put out there I believe my mom is a waif-borderline, which is partly why I feel extra-crazy by her/them.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

If your extended family is toxic and disrespectful to you, then I don't think it's worth it to stay involved with them just so they can "see the baby."  Any benefits of your son getting to know them will be cancelled out by the drama, negativity and disrespect that they impose on you.  If you are stressed out by them then it will affect your son also.  I am 100% in favor of cutting toxic relatives out of one's life.  Maybe in the future you can consider a relationship, but now you need to do what is best for you and your family.  You are NOT obligated to stay involved with them, whether or not there is a baby involved.  

[d0nnivain]

Nope.  Stay away from toxic people.  

Do send the occasional holiday card; call mom on her birthday but there's no need to bend over backwards