Why would an ex you broke up with contact you months later?

[Happy Lemming]

Can I ask why you keep "going" to people in your past??  Personally, I'd rather go forward, not back.

Yes, I've had a few past ex-girlfriends (that dumped me) contact me and attempt to get back together, but 99% of the time, it doesn't work. 

Cookies... go forward, not back.  There are new experiences to explore, new and better people to meet, adventures to be had.  There is no benefit in trudging into the quagmire of the swamp of past bad relationships.

Go forward... be happy.

[Miss Spider]

4 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Can I ask why you keep "going" to people in your past??  Personally, I'd rather go forward, not back.

Yes, I've had a few past ex-girlfriends (that dumped me) contact me and attempt to get back together, but 99% of the time, it doesn't work. 

Cookies... go forward, not back.  There are new experiences to explore, new and better people to meet, adventures to be had.  There is no benefit in trudging into the quagmire of the swamp of past bad relationships.

Go forward... be happy.

Ty I am trying lemming. I have been trying to

go back and apologize/fix things.... but then I end up getting too close and making things worse😫I’m actually dating 2 new guys ( well 1 completely new, the other I went on a few dates with but never really got with)... I’m also still talking to a third ex so tbh I’m talking to 5 guys total at the moment .. 3 exes and 2 newish guys. But the other ex and I have just been texting. I know it’s going to blow up in my face, but I did talk to ex 3 tonight on the phone and talked him down a bit over my friends comment. We are still probably not going to be friends I suppose, but I think I made things better.

 

Oh and ex 5 is back to liking my pics and everything seems good between us. Don’t know how long that will last, especially if he talks to the other 

Anyway,  hoping it all works out ok. Thank you all so much. 

Edited May 28, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

You can talk to as many guys as you want because you are not really with any of them, no?

Seems like a collection of comfortable old slippers and shiny new shoes.

[Beachead]

@Cookiesandough

So what's the end objective here?  What do you ultimately want from each of your exes and these 2 new guys that you are talking to?

[flitzanu]

16 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

You wanna hear about a hot mess ?😣

So a couple nights ago, I called up my ex ( not this one, but ex #3, the one who tried to make everyone hate me, stole my dog , etc etc , ... ) I told him sorry , we ended up going to a bar , I said sorry, missed him, I went back to his place and saw my dog he stole.. also his 2 cats I cared for when we were together.. I cried so hard ... and  i ... kind of made out with him....yes we kissed. & I could tell he thought when I get back from my trip we are gonna get back together... I do not want that though. I’m still seeing thread topic ex (ex#5) we are not together as a couple, but I’m afraid that it ex #2 tells ex #5 about how we kissed he’s going to be upset about it,., 

 

This is a big possibility because I told ex #2 we can’t be together yesterday  .. I didn’t have romantic feelings for him. And he flipped out.. he always does this, he’s crazy . & he said he’s friends with ex #5 Some texts he wrote: 

 

 

“I cannot believe it took less than a day for you to completely 180 and disappoint me. Be friends with the girl whom I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with? And you f***** knew that. I don’t understand how someone so smart can be so stupid “

 

If you wanted to just be ****** “friends” then maybe full-on making out with me and making me think you MISSED me missed me and wanted me to take you back wasn’t the best idea 

 

And telling me “you’ve moved on romantically” man, you have got some ******* nerve on you don’t you? How f***** convenient for you. You’ve somehow managed to break my heart and disappoint me again

“

I had my heart broken two months ago and you come back into my life and look at Andrea and are like “here hold my beer” because you have to be the one that hurts me the most “

 

Ugh I’m about done with both of them ..

omg.  haha.  this is such a juicy story.  i guess like the question above, it would just be wondering what your end game is meant to be.

you're at least being honest and upfront with these guys, and i'm sure many people are going to tell you how morally terrible it is that you're hurting feelings and knowing it, but alas, that's wny this forum exists, and feelings are always going to be hurt.  plus i don't think you're doing it "intentionally" but you may be a bit nonchalant about it.  regardless, that's your cross to bear, and not mine to judge. 

are you just wanting or trying to make peace with everyone and libido gets the best of you?

i mean, as a...very abnormal...straight male...i can at least say, i've made peace with exes that have done much worse to me.  you're never going to please everyone, and even in trying to please everyone, you're likely not going to please yourself.  i'm sure there's a balance somewhere about finding and making peace and still feeling like YOU have gained from it.  sounds like you're just stuck bouncing over that line in doing good for others vs doing good for you.

i'm sure it somehow makes me a terrible person, but i'm a bit of a sucker for hot drama messy stories.  i can't wait to see how this all turns out.

[Miss Spider]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can talk to as many guys as you want because you are not really with any of them, no?

Seems like a collection of comfortable old slippers and shiny new shoes.

 thank you.. yea  , it kind of is.. I’m not committed at the moment and have not mislead anyone just talking is okay.. sleeping around is a different story for me... but I haven’t got to that stage with any but 1 , but did kiss another 

 

17 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Cookiesandough

So what's the end objective here?  What do you ultimately want from each of your exes and these 2 new guys that you are talking to?

tbh, I wanted to maybe see where it goes with one of the two new guys. Particularly the one I had a few pre covid dates with... I broke it off... he left city.. so maybe things got too weird there too but I feel we never gave it a fair shot and maybe he does too. 
 

With the two exes I never really had plans on starting over again with.. I just wanted to be cool again and then I thought with ex 5 (the one the thread was about) I could have a hookup with then never see again. I can’t seem to shake him off though and if things get serious with one of the new guys I probably would. Ex #2 (one who stole my dog) I did not mean to even kiss but it’s just really hard for me to say no to a kiss when I’m single and he’s single and hot.. im pretty sure he wanted to sleep with me and with hard boundaries it’s easy to say no, but kiss was just too easy and I know now I shouldn’t of.. he still hasn’t let it go and it’s been 2 years .. don’t get it 

 

 

thanks for the help guys. I feel like it’s always damned if I don’t damned if I do. But now I have plenty of people to talk to so it’s good . I know that’s temporary though . These things have an exp date 

Edited May 29, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Beachead]

@Cookiesandough

On 5/29/2021 at 1:17 AM, Cookiesandough said:

tbh, I wanted to maybe see where it goes with one of the two new guys. Particularly the one I had a few pre covid dates with... I broke it off... he left city.. so maybe things got too weird there too but I feel we never gave it a fair shot and maybe he does too. 
 

With the two exes I never really had plans on starting over again with.. I just wanted to be cool again and then I thought with ex 5 (the one the thread was about) I could have a hookup with then never see again. I can’t seem to shake him off though and if things get serious with one of the new guys I probably would. Ex #2 (one who stole my dog) I did not mean to even kiss but it’s just really hard for me to say no to a kiss when I’m single and he’s single and hot.. im pretty sure he wanted to sleep with me and with hard boundaries it’s easy to say no, but kiss was just too easy and I know now I shouldn’t of.. he still hasn’t let it go and it’s been 2 years .. don’t get it 

So what's the objective?  Are you looking for a longterm relationship or are you just looking to mess around? 

Edited May 30, 2021 by Beachead

[Miss Spider]

who also has your ps 5 at their house? Let’s just say they were an ex who you broke up with once before, you promised you wouldn’t hurt them again, but you tried to date again then you realize they are still needy and you can’t cope with them anymore. You just went fb official and they just told their psych about you which complicates things, but you’re already sick of them. Your mental and physical well-being physical well being depends on not dating them anymore 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

who also has your ps 5 at their house?

Go over, get it back and then tell him it's not working out. Then delete and block rather than going in circles, on/off, etc.

Stop leaving valuables at BF's homes.

Edited June 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

I would go over there, collect my stuff then come back in & ask them to talk a walk.  On the walk I'd find a quiet park bench & as gently as possible let them down.  

Say somewhat sweet things like they are a nice guy, you two gave it another shot & that you know you are not a horrible person for doing this (you are but but tell this white lie anyway) but this is just not working for you.  Harp on clichés like it's not them it's you (which really means it's them).  Repeat over & over that you are sorry & you wish them well.   The leave.  Get in your car & go home.  

If you are truly fearful that they will hurt themselves call their psychiatrist once you are safely in your car & away so that person has a heads up & can deal with the fall out.  

Edited June 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
typo

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go over, get it back and then tell him it's not working out. Then delete and block rather than going incircles on/off, etc.

Stop leaving valuables at BF's homes.

Thank you so much. My mom said the same thing. You make it sound really easy. Is it, though? Some my exes (this one included) are so melodramatic about breaking up ( ie you put me through so much…how can you do this.. you’re awful for breaking up with me) that I’m beginning to believe it and I’m just stressing tf about how things will go down if I end it. I also wanted to be casual but they roped me in and I am back in the same situation again. 
 

I’ll do this. I’ll get all my stuff first then let him know.  Let you know how it goes. Thanks again. 

[Happy Lemming]

I have to admit I didn't know how much a PS 5 console cost, so I googled it.

WOW!!  That is a fairly expensive item to give up, but it isn't worth your safety.  If he is being unhinged or violent, write it off.  I guess you could ask him to box it up and ship it you.

Personally, if a woman left something at my house and we broke up, I box it up and UPS it back to them... but that is just me.

Maybe do the break up over the phone, not in person (if he is being unhinged).

[Miss Spider]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I would go over there, collect my stuff then come back in & ask them to talk a walk.  On the walk I'd find a quiet park bench & as gently as possible let them down.  

Say somewhat sweet things like they are a nice guy, you two gave it another shot & that you know you are a horrible person for doing this (you are but but tell this white lie anyway) but this is just not working for you.  Harp on clichés like it's not them it's you (which really means it's them).  Repeat over & over that you are sorry & you wish them well.   The leave.  Get in your car & go home.  

If you are truly fearful that they will hurt themselves call their psychiatrist once you are safely in your car & away so that person has a heads up & can deal with the fall out.  

Super solid advice. Thank you. Break ups are so cringey. I don’t really know his psychs number but I would do that. I’m going to try 

13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I have to admit I didn't know how much a PS 5 console cost, so I googled it.

WOW!!  That is a fairly expensive item to give up, but it isn't worth your safety.  If he is being unhinged or violent, write it off.  I guess you could ask him to box it up and ship it you.

Personally, if a woman left something at my house and we broke up, I box it up and UPS it back to them... but that is just me.

Maybe do the break up over the phone, not in person (if he is being unhinged).

Thanks, lemming.  Yea it’s pricey. Not saying he would keep it, I just want it back for sure. 
 

I was thinking of acting cool and just going over then slipping all my things out while he’s a asleep or something. Then call him on a phone and tell him I can’t do the relationship anymore and cut it short before all the fall out. Tbh I appreciate you suggesting that because I don’t know how he will act I just know he’s super dramatic. He will make me out to be a bad guy because I said ily and he’ll bring it up and how I was talking about moving in and all this stuff and made me feel like I misled him because I changed my mind. Probably drag me and make me feel (more) like crap again. I know that. He may also come over or start drama when we’re out. He’s more low key drama/passive aggressive, but he still is . 
 

I’m tired of feeling guilty bc I change my mind about wanting to date someone. I have a right to do that, just like anyone else 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[flitzanu]

step 1: get your PS5 before saying a word.

step 2: sell your PS5 at a ridiculous price due to current demands

step 3: rejoice in new money and happiness

step 4: dump him, and now you won't care because you have new money

step 5: buy a PC and become a proper gamergrrl

 

[Johnjohnson2017]

Most guys have been dumped before at least once in their lifetime. He will get over it eventually even though he is/will feel hurt at this time.

It's not the first time and it might not be the last time.

Find someone you are really into and who you think you will never dump. Easier said than done. Anyone you meet will have flaws, it's just a matter whether those flaws are good reasons to end the relationship. Many couples who are happily married for many years live with their pet peeves... they just learn to accept living with them (they're not deal breaker/relationship breakers)

Tell him you need your ps5 back. If he is reasonable, he will give it back tou you.

[d0nnivain]

@Cookiesandough  I think you know this but in the 1st parenthetical I was trying to say that you are NOT a horrible person even though I encouraged you to lie & tell this guy that you acknowledge that you hurt him deeply by changing your mind.  You are absolutely  allowed to change your mind but since you already know he's a drama queen you want to minimize that by letting him vilify you -- a little.  Remember what he says is only his opinion & he will be lashing out while hurt so don't listen to him.  Just let whatever he says do in one ear & out the other.  

When breaking up with somebody just try to be sensitive to how hurt they will be.  Leave them with some dignity as you break their heart.  

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’m tired of feeling guilty bc I change my mind about wanting to date someone. I have a right to do that, just like anyone else 

This gentleman is an adult and with that come adult relationships with adult consequences.  If he can't handle a breakup (like an adult) then he has no business dating/entering a relationship to begin with.  If he has some "psych" problem/issue that makes it difficult for him to enter or leave a dating relationship; that is on him... not you.

Nobody said getting dumped was a "day at the beach", but it is part of dating.  You take the good with the bad, its part of the deal.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty, you have every right to change your mind about who/when you want to date. The other person is a willing participant with "free will", if this individual can't handle the end of a relationship, don't enter one.

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

This gentleman is an adult and with that come adult relationships with adult consequences.  If he can't handle a breakup (like an adult) then he has no business dating/entering a relationship to begin with.  If he has some "psych" problem/issue that makes it difficult for him to enter or leave a dating relationship; that is on him... not you.

Nobody said getting dumped was a "day at the beach", but it is part of dating.  You take the good with the bad, its part of the deal.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty, you have every right to change your mind about who/when you want to date. The other person is a willing participant with "free will", if this individual can't handle the end of a relationship, don't enter one.

Thank you so much. @flitzanu@Johnjohnson2017@Happy Lemming @d0nnivainYou have no idea how much I needed to hear that. Almost brought a tear to my eye.  I always feel like the “bad guy”. I’ve had people say how could you pretend this or say this.. and I wasn’t. I felt it at the time, but feelings change. And people guilt trip me for wanting to leave… 

There is some backstory. We dated before, and it wasn’t working for me then either. When we got back together I told him I’m looking for casual only and he agreed , but then later he said he would not be casual with me … So I agreed  to get back together with him… so I feel he switched it up/ropes me in a bit … then I started just playing the part/took path of least resistance… 

Its hard especially because does care for me very much and he has been there for me. I was on his computer , and I swear I wasn’t meaning to snoop , but he had pulled up a bunch of stuff about how to be less “anxiously attached” and I know what that means because of this site.. I brought it up and he said he was at first , it’s getting better… so I feel really bad. My other ex got mad at me too. But I cant live my life for others. I resolved to do it when I see him this Friday. going to a show with him and his friend this Friday . His friend will be staying over because he’s out of town. That will give me a reason to stay distant. I really hate this

 

TY again 

[d0nnivain]

Cookies -- 

Still not vilifying you.  You get to change your mind.  I am going to encourage you to learn to be more circumspect.  You have a tendency to rush & get caught up in the emotion of the moment.  I'm sure at the time you said those things to the guy -- ILY & had the convos about moving in -- you were sincere but you also best realize that you can get carried away.  Words do have consequences.  

Do what you have to do here because you are right.  You can't live your life for somebody else, not this guy or another EX but maybe going forward in your next relationship, slow down.  Learn to play your cards closer to your vest.  Take your time.  Hold your tongue more, especially when caught up in all those initial swirling emotions.  Think before you speak & remember you are talking to real people with genuine emotions.  

[Miss Spider]

On 6/30/2021 at 6:30 PM, d0nnivain said:

Cookies -- 

Still not vilifying you.  You get to change your mind.  I am going to encourage you to learn to be more circumspect.  You have a tendency to rush & get caught up in the emotion of the moment.  I'm sure at the time you said those things to the guy -- ILY & had the convos about moving in -- you were sincere but you also best realize that you can get carried away.  Words do have consequences.  

Do what you have to do here because you are right.  You can't live your life for somebody else, not this guy or another EX but maybe going forward in your next relationship, slow down.  Learn to play your cards closer to your vest.  Take your time.  Hold your tongue more, especially when caught up in all those initial swirling emotions.  Think before you speak & remember you are talking to real people with genuine emotions.  

Thank you. That’s true . I need to be more cautious and not get caught up. 
 

I have been racking my brain for the last few days about how to break up with my boyfriend. It’s already done for me. Just trying to figure out how to end it with least amount of drama/confrontation.
 

This is awful though because he’s said multiple times he’s taking a big risk to trust me again … and I said he won’t regret it and stuff… I took advantage of the situation. I admit that. It was a terrible thing to do and it might f him up for a min.. but I can’t live a lie.  Also I’m keeping in perspective that this is a 3+3 more equals six month relationship and he had fair warning about me. 😔

 

I was trying to figure out how to extricate my PS from his house with the least amount of contact. Bc every time I go over, I’m all over him, we have FREAKY *** sex,  dressing up, whips and chains etc etc lol.. It’s wild. So if I’m all cold and stuff and like hey can I get my PS he’s gonna be like “wait a second…”

 

i’ve lied to him today and told him that I’m sick so I can’t go to some event and then I am going to go over to his house and get my ps while he’s there. Maybe jump on his computer if I can and hide his status to single. I do that because we just became Facebook official and a ton of his friends like it😫 I did what I said I wouldn’t do. I feel so bad Then I’m probably going to shoot an email/text and then blockhim. That is the plan. I’m going today.  I cannot face this humiliation of what I have done. Im a coward, but I just can’t do it.  at some points I’m seriously so uncomfortable about this whole thing. If he tries to come over and drags my parents into it like another person did I’m going to lose it.  I get I deserve this though. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

@Cookiesandough  Many years ago, I had a woman dump me that I truly cared about. We had been dating about 2 years.  About 6 months after she dumped me, she called me up and we got back together.  In the back of my mind, I knew she would dump me again.  I let myself enjoy the time we were back together knowing full well there was an expiration date.  Sure enough after about 3-4 months I got dumped again by her. 

I think your guy knows (in the back of his mind) that his relationship with you has an expiration date, but he wanted to enjoy his time with you, however long it might be.

Because I was expecting to get dumped a second time from this woman, it really didn't hurt.

Being the second time around, I don't think it will sting as bad for your (soon to be) ex-boyfriend, either.

[Miss Spider]

On 7/2/2021 at 7:47 PM, Happy Lemming said:

@Cookiesandough  Many years ago, I had a woman dump me that I truly cared about. We had been dating about 2 years.  About 6 months after she dumped me, she called me up and we got back together.  In the back of my mind, I knew she would dump me again.  I let myself enjoy the time we were back together knowing full well there was an expiration date.  Sure enough after about 3-4 months I got dumped again by her. 

I think your guy knows (in the back of his mind) that his relationship with you has an expiration date, but he wanted to enjoy his time with you, however long it might be.

Because I was expecting to get dumped a second time from this woman, it really didn't hurt.

Being the second time around, I don't think it will sting as bad for your (soon to be) ex-boyfriend, either.

Thank you. I think( hope) you are right. This is my 4th day of slow fade. Thinking about ghosting because I start shaking when I think about sending him the ‘dear John’   Letter I made below.  Wednesday is my deadline 

 

Dear x, 

 

 

You’re such a wonderful person. I’m so happy you came into life. We’ve shared so many amazing times together. Youve been my friend and confidant. You make me smile even in the hardest times. You’ve been there for me in too many ways to count. 

 

That is why I find it very difficult to do this. I have never been good at expressing my feelings in person, so the easiest way to do this without causing any more hurt is to write this. 

 

I have come to the decision that I can no longer be in a relationship at this time. Not just with you, but with anyone.  I feel overwhelmed thinking about how to balance school,  projects, goals, my own needs, the relationship needs, and everything else. Once I start school and internship, I will have no time to dedicate to a proper relationship. Even now, I have felt overwhelmed and not able to accomplish the things I need to. I feel weak to say this, but it’s how I am. 

 

I know you have told me time and time again you will be patient, and will not require much of my time, and I believe you. I do. But I don’t want that kind of relationship and I don’t want to do that to you either. I can’t handle the responsibilities of a relationship at this time. I need to be by myself. 

 

 

It is not just that. I must be honest and say that I think you and I are two completely different people, from our interests to our values. We are fundamentally incompatible and I do not believe this can work. 

 

 

I know it will hurt knowing that all your efforts have gone to waste. I know it will hurt that I disappointed you twice.  I know you were reluctant to try again because you thought I would disappoint you again.  I guess I have. 

 

But kindly try to look at this from a positive perspective. I believe it is best to end this on a positive note. I know this will give you the opportunity to find someone better for you. Someone who can give you the time and commitment you deserve.  This does not mean that I do not care about you. As a matter of fact, I really care about you and love you.

 

 

It is with great thought and consideration of the future that I have arrived at this decision. I hope that my sincerity and transparency about my true feelings and thoughts do not cause you any more pain.

With my sincerest care and love,

C

 

😞😞😞😞

[Miss Spider]

It was too hard to write so I used a template.. o hope that’s good.. sending it tonight with a few alterations. Ty everyone 😔😔😔😫

[Miss Spider]

Okay I sent it and blocked him everywhere. Feel bad but no use delaying the inevitable . This sucks a lot though.. 

guess this book is closed 📕 ty again 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

@Cookiesandough  The only criticism I have is the "breakup letter" is a bit long, I think the first 3 paragraphs were fine and you could have cut it off at that.

The fact that you told him you "loved" him is sending a confusing message and invited a response. 

That being said... it is one of the nicer "breakup" letters that I've read.  I've never received anything close to that.