Why would an ex you broke up with contact you months later?

[Miss Spider]

I’m in a sticky situation with an ex... just reconnected like a weeks ago*** currently we are not fully together*** 

 

I told him I think we should take it slow and be casual for now and he agreed. 
 

I’d say on a 1-10 10 being infatuated, I’m like a 5 or 6 for him...my feelings for him aren’t that strong 😔 but we have fun 

 

The problem.. we’ve been sleeping together ...text a lot each day... phone calls for hours... we’ve also been  hooking up a lot ...  he said it’s the best of his life and I agree it’s pretty good... ngl ... he said ily ...I said ily too... he told me he wants to be together again.  I said maybe one day. He said he wants to take me on a trip to Germany he’s going on with his parents this summer ... I said that sounds nice... 

He said that we shouldn’t be seen *together* by our friends yet until I earn back his trust. ( I broke up with him “randomly” then ghosted him, then dated another) We spoke last night and he was crying and he said he doesn’t fall a lot , but when we does he goes all in , and what I did destroyed him.. and all his friends saw it.. and they’ve been warning him to not take me back... all of his closest friends said abort, be careful , one called me a black widow etc ,,, they’re just looking out for him rightfully ...  but he said he can’t trust me. He said he needs time and also I need to apologize to everyone who saw him hurt including his parents .. he said even an apology would go far and cut the time... I said time won’t do ****
 

I used this as an excuse to say he probably won’t ever trust me again... possibly break up with him again.., I said you don’t want to be seen with me, how can we be fully together ... I said I’m telling him this now, because my mo is to ghost sometimes because I hate confrontation . I said I just want to have, I don’t do well with drama. He got really upset about it and said “ oh so you’re gonna ghost again, that’s s*****, you do that again and I’ll never talk to you again “ I said no ... I want to always be cool with you 😢that’s why I’m telling you now..

TBH, I’ve been having fun with him and I’m not dating at the moment, which is why Ive just been going with the flow. Things are okay for now.. but I’m worried about the future. I know that if anyone reads this, they are going to give me **** and say I’m a bad person. But I’m not and I  do care about him .I’m writing because I need help.  I don’t want to hurt him... I do not want to cause him anymore pain... which is why I feel s***** , I just don’t get why people are so clingy and suffocating and don’t see it , I feel like the talking is already too much, I feel my instinct to run kicking in, so I gave myself an out, and I get it was dishonest and manipulative, I’m normally not that way, it’s just so hard. If it’s seen more as his choice, the trust is broken so we can’t be together, he will not feel as bad .. 

 

please can anyone tell me what to do, and please do not say the truth because it will hurt him too much , I’m stressed again, trapped. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

[Deleted]

Good luck cookies whatever you decide...

 

Edited May 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Red flag are  he told a  friend  “been seeing my ex, soon not gonna be ex” he keeps saying we will be together again. ... we agreed hook up only/ have fun. If anyone wants to be mean, don’t bother, I’m hurting enough by this 

[Miss Spider]

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi cookies, since you don't want us to say the truth, then my only advice is read your last thread (specifically saying that commitment is like kryptonite to you, you can't stand many things about him, you don't care for his personality, etc. etc. --- you did say these things ), and then imagine another poster were asking this question and ask yourself what would you advise them to do?

I do that often when confused about what action to take in a particular situation.  

I pretend I am some anonymous person asking for my advice, and then I take the advice I give to that person and apply it to my own situation.

Good luck.

 

I mean he told them something like probably soon not going to be an ex* 

You’re right, poppy ..Thank you for not judging me over my past behavior(s) I feel a lot of remorse over it... I honestly don’t know what I’d tell someone  , because not many people get into situations such as me, I’m beginning to think I have too many people plesaser qualities still. Part of me I knew it was a mistake , but I thought since we agreed we are casual now, I told him I can’t commit at the moment , we were on the same page. But then he’s like I’m willing to give you another chance, I said thanks; he said ily, I said ily too, he said dont fck me up again, I said no I would never. I just tell people what they want to hear in the moment to not rock the boat, to hell with the consequences in the long run. & He’s been emotional over this...really emotional, i haven’t even told half of it..the truth is not optional at this point. it. I feel like maybe he’s even been a little manipulative to trap me. I don’t know. I have fun when we’re together but then I go home and he texts me and I feel trapped and awful (again) 

Edited May 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[jspice]

People told you what to do. You chose to be manipulative instead. What more is there to say? 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Part of me I knew it was a mistake , but I thought since we agreed we are casual now, I told him I can’t commit at the moment , we were on the same page. But then he’s like I’m willing to give you another chance, I said thanks; he said ily, I said ily too, he said dont fck me up again, I said no I would never. I just tell people what they want to hear in the moment to not rock the boat, to hell with the consequences in the long run. 

Bolded, no judgment but I think it's time to figure out why you do this, don't you think?  I mean it's great you are aware of it, that's the first step, but being aware isn't enough, you need to spend some time deeply introspecting and gathering insight into your behavior and taking steps to change that behavior.

Because ultimately it's very hurtful to others.  Which in turn hurts YOU.  Just like you're hurting now.

There is a a great book I recommend that has helped me a lot, I still refer to it from time to time.  It's called "He's Scared, She's Scared - Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships."

Because imo, that's what this is about - FEAR

Anyway, the book helped me a lot, it still helps me because I struggle with relationship/commitment fears too sometimes.

I highly recommend.  

Edited May 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

TBH, I’ve been having fun with him and I’m not dating at the moment, which is why Ive just been going with the flow.

You may have been “going with the flow” while he clearly wants to get back together. He has told you this, he wants you to apologize to everyone he knows (which is a ridiculous thing to ask, in my humble opinion), and he wants you to travel to Europe with his family. You are clearly not on the same page related to your expectations - everything that he is doing/saying screams “I want to be in a relationship with you” and everything that you are saying/doing screams “I don’t want a serious relationship with you.” Now that you know this, you need to stop sleeping with the man and stop seeing him. 

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don’t want to hurt him...

Well, considering that you are having sex with the man and you’ve told him you love him... it seems a little too late for this now. To have sex with the man and tell him that you love him when you know he wants a relationship with you and you know that you don’t is not a kind thing to do to the man...

Edited May 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

You said you wanted to be on good terms with your ex, but your true intentions were very different.

You unblocked him on purpose, well aware of the consequences.

So, block him and call it a day.

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I have fun when we’re together but then I go home and he texts me and I feel trapped and awful (again) 

Is he really clingy and smothering or is this normal behavior for someone in a committed relationship? I don’t know the answer to this, we don’t have enough information to say for sure. But, texting when you get home after seeing someone you are dating is entirely NORMAL for most people who are dating. They generally want to talk with each other and spend lots of time together.  

26 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I thought since we agreed we are casual now

It sounds like you agreed to keep it casual, he clearly has other intentions. You can’t be casual with someone with whom you’ve previously had a serious relationship with and who still has feelings for you. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

I think it's worth noting that imo this isn't all your fault cookies; although I agree with Bailey, telling him ILY was not the correct response given the fact you don't love him, among other things.  It was misleading and yes unkind. 

Not saying that to be mean because I don't think you mean to be unkind, but ultimately your behavior becomes that.

Anyway, why I don't think this is all your doing is because the man has chosen to deny your reality which you made very clear to him going into this.

He also sounds a bit delusional. Maybe even unstable.

I mean wanting you to apologize to everyone he knows? Wanting you to travel to Germany with his family?  Telling you not to "fukk up" again?

You hurt this man once, any man with any sense (not to mention self-respect) would not wish to go back there again, let alone make all these crazy demands of you.  I mean that just sound nuts.

I think the best thing is to end this, like yesterday.  Yes it will hurt him in the short term, but if you continue on, you will end up hurting him more, and yourself in the process...

 

 

Edited May 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

please can anyone tell me what to do, and please do not say the truth because it will hurt him too much , I’m stressed again, trapped. 

As I said above, tell him you made a mistake, that you do not want a relationship with him, and stop having sex with the man. Don’t ghost him - be honest with him, apologize, and prepare yourself if he is upset. Respectfully, you will need at some point to deal with the things you are trying to avoid now - accepting responsibility for your decisions, learning how to have hard conversations, dealing with the anxiety you are feeling and understanding why you feel suffocated and trapped. 

Do you have a counsellor cookie. This kind of anxiety is not healthy for you. Take care. 

Edited May 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

29 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You said you wanted to be on good terms with your ex, but your true intentions were very different.

You unblocked him on purpose, well aware of the consequences.

So, block him and call it a day.

Yes , poppy, it was my fault. Because I did want to hookup/hang out/ be cool with him again. So I would say anything things to not cause any turbulence.  
 

Bailey , you’re right. He could genuinely be clinger/crazy & yes delusional like poppy said and that’s part of it.  I guess he doesn’t text me that much without a response or anything. If I liked him more, I’d probably be happy that he reached out just after I left today. But I haven’t responded and he hasn’t wrote again. & to clarify , I shouldn’t have said he said I have to/need to apologize to everyone. He essentially said it would be appreciated if I talked to closest people and I think it would go a long way in trusting you again kind of thing... 

 

You really think I could just block him again. I feel like I can’t... honestly just so much drama the last few days. I’ve promised things, even his sister who passed away brought into this, 

 

this sucks so hard. I appreciate all the advice . Thanks.  I guess I have to think on this 

Edited May 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes , poppy, it was my fault. Because I did want to hookup/hang out/ be cool with him again. So I would say anything things to not cause any turbulence.  

Oh okay, I read at the beginning of all this, you told him all you wanted was a hook up and to have some fun and he agreed..

But he was lying, because he wanted more, and that's on him imho. 

Anyway, not to get philosophical or anything, but this happened for a reason so maybe it's a good thing.

It brings to light certain fears and anxieties you have regarding commitment and relationships, and it's also quite common for someone with such anxieties (you) to attract clingers and needy men (him).

Not sure why that is, but it seems to happen a lot from what I've read.

 

Edited May 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

to clarify , I shouldn’t have said he said I have to/need to apologize to everyone. He essentially said it would be appreciated if I talked to closest people and I think it would go a long way in trusting you again kind of thing... 

that’s an unusual request cookies, your relationship is between the two of you. You don’t owe these people anything - the only person to whom you owe an apology is the man you hurt. 

19 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don’t know if it’s something I do that attracts clinger people and he’s being crazy.

What I’m saying cookie is, he doesn’t sound like a crazy clinger to me. He sounds like a man who is interested in having a relationship with you. Given, the suggestion that you travel with his family is really inappropriate at this stage in a relationship. Otherwise, it’s pretty typical consider that you have previously had a relationship with the man and you are “getting back together.” Perhaps I’m wrong, we don’t have the whole story... I think you need to consider why you think something that is fairly typical behavior for those in a relationship is “suffocating” and “trapping” you. 

20 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

If I liked him more, I’d probably be happy that he reached out just after I left today.

Probably, yes. 

20 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

You really think I could just block him again. I feel like I can’t... honestly just so much drama the last few days.

what kind of drama? 

Again, I said you need to end this. You are not compatible in terms of your expectations. As I said above, you can’t have a “casual” relationship with a man who wants more and with whom you’ve previously been in a relationship. I think you owe him the truth, tell him how you are feeling and apologize. And then, you need to stop seeing the man. Giving him mixed messages, as you have done here by telling him you want to have a casual relationship and then telling him that you love him, is not fair to him. You need to put your big girl pants on and tell him that you can’t do this, apologize, and end the relationship. 

[dramafreezone]

Why don't you just let this guy move on?  He cannot handle casual, and you don't want more than that.  But don't ghost again, that's just cruel.  I and most guys would prefer to just take a breakup like a punch to the chin.

Edited May 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

You really think I could just block him again. I feel like I can’t... 

You stated in your previous thread that you previously blocked him because he has a habit of contacting you despite your insistence that you do not want a relationship, so what makes this time any different?

[Beachead]

@Cookiesandough

He wants a relationship.  You don't.   You two will not be friends because he will always have hope and expectation.  Anything you do will be interpreted in the direction of that hope and that expectation.  You will lead him on.   Cut this off so that he can heal from you find someone right for him.

- Beach

Edited May 22, 2021 by Beachead

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Why don't you just let this guy move on?  He cannot handle casual, and you don't want more than that.  But don't ghost again, that's just cruel.  I and most guys would prefer to just take a breakup like a punch to the chin.

Why doesn't HE let himself move on?  He was the one to reach out to cookies after months of no contact, after she broke up with him!

She said it was mutual, but reading her break up thread, it's was not.  

He gets dumped, she "fukked him up" (his words), so he's reaches out to her months later and agrees to get together for a casual hookup?

And then assumes they're getting back together, tells his friend they're "rekindling" and "his ex is soon not be his ex," asks her to apologize to friends and family, demands she not "fukk him up" again, I mean that's just plain nuts on his part.   A total lack of self-respect.

I am not saying cookies acted properly, she did NOT, and hopefully she can learn from this, but he needs to take some responsibility too, it's HIS life.

He walked right into this, knowing cookies doesn't want commitment, has a tendency to disappear and ghost, she had already done it to him the first time around

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME...  (meaning him).

 

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

xxxx

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

>>We spoke last night and he was crying and he said he doesn’t fall a lot , but when we does he goes all in , and what I did destroyed him.<<

Yet, he reached out to you and initially agreed to a casual no strings hook up and is now pushing for serious. SMH

This has got to be one of the most effed situations I've read on this forum...

Cookies, I hope you will update and tell us you've ended it with this person.

Again not saying what you said or did was right, it wasn't I think you know that too, but he just doesn't sound right in the head, I'm sorry.

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[Interstellar]

do you want to know why he still loves you? because love is a drug, beauty is a drug. when you say let’s take it slow, what guys hear is let’s take it slow because there’s a second chance at this relationship. men hear things differently, unfortunately and this is why I tell guys to really, really, really listen when your woman, wife or ex is telling you something. listening is a skill that needs to be constantly practice, and not what you *think* you’re hearing. well cookies, guys have a tendency to not face reality when it comes to relationships and most often men tend to overrate a woman’s interest level in us. we think it’s 95, when it’s really, we’re out, it’s over and as a result, we feel the sting of pain and rejection ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

do you want to know why he still loves you? because love is a drug, beauty is a drug. when you say let’s take it slow, what guys hear is let’s take it slow because there’s a second chance at this relationship. men hear things differently, unfortunately and this is why I tell guys to really, really, really listen when your woman, wife or ex is telling you something. listening is a skill that needs to be constantly practice, and not what you *think* you’re hearing. well cookies, guys have a tendency to not face reality when it comes to relationships and most often men tend to overrate a woman’s interest level in us. we think it’s 95, when it’s really, we’re out, it’s over and as a result, we feel the sting of pain and rejection..

I agree with this, it happened that way with a couple of my ex's too....  it was like, they just refused to listen.

I don't think it's gender based, women do this as well.

Love is powerful, like an addiction.  It's hard to shake.

For both men and women.

Edited May 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

And again, this goes back to my suggestion that you do some work on yourself.

From the very beginning, it was clear that he had a thing for you, but you used him to scratch an itch.  This was only ever going to end in tears but you could only see this from your own perspective.    You would be wise to learn to predict how your words and actions will affect others, and develop the conscience to not act if hurt is the likely outcome of your plans. 

And honestly, the truth is how you get out of this because it will give him what he needs to get over you.  If you want to preserve dignity, book in with a therapist and tell him that you know you've behaved badly and are starting therapy.  

Edited May 22, 2021 by basil67

[HiCrunchy]

Oh dear Cookies. I'm not going to tell u I told u so...but there is a bit of reflection u can do on this. 

In terms of healing, I think basil is right.

 

[Miss Spider]

7 hours ago, HiCrunchy said:

Oh dear Cookies. I'm not going to tell u I told u so...but there is a bit of reflection u can do on this. 

In terms of healing, I think basil is right.

 

Thank you everyone for your understanding and advice. It is very much appreciated. 

I am glad to hear that a lot of people here are noting that he may be acting a bit crazy. I do take responsibility, but not all of it. He didn’t listen to me and seems clingy. He added drama by getting misty eyed about it ( but I think he was reacting to me crying first: I felt bad) & I essentially promised on his sister. 😞long story 

 

I managed to brush off his communication yesterday. But the last thing he texted was that he has an idea now about how we the Ice can be broken between us in public again 😒We had a kind of public  and break up in our community/social group , which is all the more reason that we should stay down low 
 

I’m going out west for about 2 weeks in a few days and he is going to be traveling too , so I won’t be forced to make a decision soon and will get a brief reprieve and time to figure out what to do. This might sound strange, but the most tempting thing at the moment is to do what I do sometimes which is block but then text them a short text like “hi. How are you” “I’m busy today”  each day for a long time , so I can’t see responses but I’m still not  ghosting, until hopefully they just get annoyed /lose interest over time . 

 

Another problem is that I have a lower libido than most people, I am fine with 1x a week or less. All my bf’s wanted it at like once a day at least. it’s been a major sticking point my rships because I don’t want it as much but feel the need to..

This guy is worst; Each time we meet up, he wants to and  it goes on hours, including foreplay type stuff. It’s too much for me. He’s mid 30s,  but I cannot keep up because of my lowly libido, I get very tired, bored, and dizzy .  I go home and just want me time , but he wants to meet up again soon or talk/text soon after. It’s too much for me... a large part of why I wanted casual.

I’ll update what happens and ty again. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough