Why would an ex you broke up with contact you months later?

[Miss Spider]

He reached to me and later asked if I could return a belonging, but I initiated we meet and become closer 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Beachead]

@Cookiesandough

If you want to tangle yourself up in this some more, keep talking to him.  But if you want to simplify your life, you need to close this off.  Don't ghost him, just tell him you two shouldn't talk anymore as you both want different things, wish him well, and block this guy (Because he WILL try and reach out to you again). 

He wants to be with you and is not looking at the big picture or seeing things clearly.  That makes you two incompatible because you both want different things.  Regarding your libido, it's a small problem but it's not the main problem.  You're in this boat right now because you mistakingly thought you could be friends with an ex-partner you broke up with.  As a dumpee, it takes a long time to squash feelings and genuinely move passed the pain and accept what is.  That is only done when one spends awhile living life without the source of their pain in that life.  Most people are weak and liable to make stupid decisions during this time and this is why this guy reached out to you.  He's not being strong for himself..so unfortunately, you need to be strong for both him and for you.

Going back to the libido thing, you may need to be a little more communicative about what you want in relationships.  You said your libido is low so you don't want sex as much.  Were you ever upfront about that?  If you conceal who you are just to please people, you're not being yourself...it leads to burn out, because you need to lie and then to support those lies, you lie some more and next thing you know, you're living a life of lies.  That's part of the reason you feel choked in the relationship.  Start being honest about who you are and what you want and whoever wants to stick around and try, will.

- Beach

Edited May 22, 2021 by Beachead

[Calmandfocused]

What a terrible mess Cookie! 
 

I agree with others who say; intentionally or not, you have not treated this guy fairly.

How do you expect him to “listen” to you when it’s clear you don’t know yourself if you’re coming or going?  Your actions have been riddled with ambiguity. 
 

How do you expect this guy to take what you say seriously when you can’t even be consistent with your intentions on an Internet forum? You tell US first that you want friendship, then you want a FWB, then you want a one time hook up ... and so on and so forth. 

No wonder he’s confused. 
 

My advice: be clear on what you want and your intentions from the get go. This way you won’t mess men around and/ or eff around with their emotions. 
 

Please stop using men like a disposable object. If you’re confused, then stay away from men until you’re not! 

[Happy Lemming]

19 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

TBH, I’ve been having fun with him and I’m not dating at the moment, which is why Ive just been going with the flow. Things are okay for now..

Who said there were guarantees in life??  You are having fun, he is having fun.  You are happy, he is happy.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us.  About 19 years ago, I was dating a woman everything was great, she was happy, I was happy.  She was alive on a Monday (happy as a clam) and dead on Tuesday... gone forever.  Stop worrying so much about tomorrow or the future.  Tomorrow can be taken away from any of us.

This guy knows you very well, he has accepted your faults and short comings.  No one put a gun to his head to go back with you.  He has "free will" and can decide for himself if he wants to get on this roller coaster ride or not.

There are ex-girlfriends I've gone back to and others I said "no way" when they approached me about getting back together.  He is an adult and can make adult choices.

 

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Who said there were guarantees in life??  You are having fun, he is having fun.  You are happy, he is happy.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us.  About 19 years ago, I was dating a woman everything was great, she was happy, I was happy.  She was alive on a Monday (happy as a clam) and dead on Tuesday... gone forever.  Stop worrying so much about tomorrow or the future.  Tomorrow can be taken away from any of us.

This guy knows you very well, he has accepted your faults and short comings.  No one put a gun to his head to go back with you.  He has "free will" and can decide for himself if he wants to get on this roller coaster ride or not.

There are ex-girlfriends I've gone back to and others I said "no way" when they approached me about getting back together.  He is an adult and can make adult choices.

 

Ty... beachhead & calmandfocused you all are right... I deserve it. I always get in this bs so it’s clearly a lot of my fault 

 

Happy as a clam, I’m sorry for your loss.😔 You’re right too. Life is way too short for nonsense. seriously, you always say things so drama-free and keep it so 💯 that it really makes me feel a lot better. Sometimes I worry too much because I feel blamed for a lot of things that have gone wrong in the past. I feel like we are very much alike and I’d vibe well with a person like you. Just make things simple and fun. Wanna meet up and chill , then let’s do it, if not today , no hard feelings... we will someday maybe 

 

Today he’s been busy because tonight he (sings/keyboard ) at a big venue  for the first time in awhile bc of ‘rona. We talked shortly and he asked again to come out. My ex will be there also. Yikes. I told him I’m busy packing for my trip & don’t want drama so I can’t... he said “there won’t be. just drop in for a sec.” ( I know the event ppl so I wouldn’t pay to be stamped, but I really just genuinely don’t want to go)  also,  did I mention that he is trying to hide me? He even said we should not be seen “together” in public yet, so he can’t really give me crap for not being supportive or whatever.  It’s not my job. So I say I’m swamped before my trip and he says “but maybe you’ll stop by. Who knows.” 🙄🙄🙄I awkwardly laughed and he does “let’s at least meet up after. Promise we won’t stop up into noon” DUDE, how many times do I have to say no? Is this thing on? I’m not a confrontational person, I try to politely say I can’t make it , but people keep trying me... Do my words mean absolute ****? apparently. Sorry, kind of POed. 
 

So no. 
 

 I really hope that he meets someone else and gets laid tonight so he focuses more on that for awhile. It’s a big possibility.  But ya I’ll update what ultimately happens . You made me feel less guilty about the whole situation though. I told him my number. It’s not that deep 

 

Thank you 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

Going to close this until I update in a couple weeks. Wish me luck. I just cannot stand the cling. I need my me time. I need a minimum of four ugly days a week at least, ideally six. If someone can’t give me that they are not the person for me

Edited May 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

This guy and I dated  5 months back in the day, I ghosted, came back ... 

 

 

Ive been feeling him getting distant.. I sent him some selfies last night and he kind of glossed over them. I made a comment and he’s like “don’t want to discuss it” So I blew his phone up with messages . He’s like I’m talking to a promoter right now. I can’t talk. I lit his phone up more xD told him to get on FaceTime. He’s ignoring me, but I finally got him on . l asked “what’s with you lately ? Do you or don’t you? “He goes into this long diatribe about how  he needs a whole package, and he likes my brains and appearance , but he needs the emotional component too and I’m “emotionally unstable” 😳 He says he needs to see more “consistency”   

 

look.I know I’m a bit crazy...I’m out of control sometimes... but  I’ve been stressed lately though and he knows that. I told him when I’m stressed it happens. he said he loved me since we met and he wants a relationship  but I’m not consistent or reliable or stable enough, but and if I want to be he’s there. 🙄Yea, there acting real weird. I said okay so I guess I can’t emotionally hang or be stable enough, lets just be friends or let’s just  hook up ..because those are the only two options besides not talk I can think of.  He said no... he’s not gonna be fwb. And not friends either because “we aren’t friends”  I’m like “do you remember when I came back, before we hooked up, I said I’m not in a stable enough place for a relationship, I asked you if you understood, and you said that’s okay for now” Because that happened. Now he’s  backing up , so I’m like point blank tell me if you’re not attracted to me.. I’m fine with it.. no hard feelings , just stop leading someone on.. because you didn’t acknowledge any sexy pics I sent 

 

he said “ they’re great, but I’m not shallow. I don’t care about that stuff” lol wtf. It’s okay if you’re not interested , but gas lighting someone like they’re shallow attn seeker when you used the like them is next level .  I said oh okay so now it’s shallow to acknowledge pics , when’s he become so noble, I’m like “if I sent those to anyone else they’d at least say cool pics ” he got all irritated like “yea, they’d tell you you’re hot and be at your door to f you. I’m not them. Would it really matter if I “liked” your photos, besides give you an ego boost?” Just wow 
 

So I’m thinking whatever, you think I’m shallow, don’t want to be friends, don’t want to hook up, don’t wanna date me but I’m not “emotionally stable” enough, then I guess wants nothing? I’m beginning to think he’s unstable. Tired of games, the passive aggressive, calls me “inconsistent” if I don’t answer a text in his designated time.. he literally said I need to tell him with a text if I’m too busy to respond, yet at the same time he doesn’t want to have any kind of relationship with me... 

 

does anyone think he’s just playing games and likes the attention he now has? Regardless, I’m going NC on him. Maybe he’ll fix his act 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

Also I get that I’m not perfect and my mistakes in the past are causing issues, but I told him point blank. I am not consistent and I play a bit much but it’s me. I don’t bother him or anything....and when I don’t respond he gets even more irritated with me calls me unreliable and inconsistent. Gets mad I ghost, i don’t want to and always care about him, I just can’t talk or answer him much anymore sadly . It’s too annoying to deal with his passive aggressive attitude if I do something he doesn’t like or he’s bitterly thinking about something I did in the past. I said I just want to be cool... be refused 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

He text me today if we can talk tonight( I’m on the road to Grand Canyon and he knows this, he’s also traveling) then went through liked all the pics he called me shallow for yesterday even though he asked for them. 🙄Is it okay to ignore him because frankly I’m sick of his s***

Edited May 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

You both want very different things, and it’s best to go no contact as you are doing again. He can’t handle and doesn’t want a friendship or FWB with you. It’s not personal just a fact that things are not aligned. Have a great trip!

[Miss Spider]

Thank you 🙏 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like both of you are trying to maneuver the "relationship" into being something YOU want, but since each of you wants different things, it's therefore not working. This resulted in a feeling of "playing games" perhaps on both your ends.

Ultimately it seems you both like each other well enough, but have incompatible wants/needs WRT relationships right at the moment. It can be very hard for "friendship" to work when one or both really want more, so that may not be such a great idea if (trying to) maintain a friends doesn't seem to be helping things between you.

[flitzanu]

wait, is this your ONS FWB and now you're blowing up his phone because he's ignoring you?  what are you doing gurl 🤣

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like both of you are trying to maneuver the "relationship" into being something YOU want, but since each of you wants different things, it's therefore not working. This resulted in a feeling of "playing games" perhaps on both your ends.

Ultimately it seems you both like each other well enough, but have incompatible wants/needs WRT relationships right at the moment. It can be very hard for "friendship" to work when one or both really want more, so that may not be such a great idea if (trying to) maintain a friends doesn't seem to be helping things between you.

Thank you. Yea you’re right but I want to be clear; I did ask friends , but I meant more we can be cool. Not even talk every day, but I literally said can we just see yeach other when we’re out and have fond feelings for each other and smile . And he said no if you stop responding / ghost again you’re scorched earth , I’m done , and no we won’t be cool  he said 

34 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

wait, is this your ONS FWB and now you're blowing up his phone because he's ignoring you?  what are you doing gurl 🤣

We’re not even that xD I told him to answer me rn or he’s blocked, he’s like you expect everyone to drop everything for you whenever you want to talk and I’m like yea I do lol he’s like well I’m not going to lol it’s not that even that he respond or not, it’s that lately he’s a d*** when he responds but it’s low key 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[mark clemson]

23 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you. Yea you’re right but I want to be clear; I did ask friends , but I meant more we can be cool. Not even talk every day, but I literally said can we just see yeach other when we’re out and have fond feelings for each other and smile . And he said no if you stop responding / ghost again you’re scorched earth , I’m done , and no we won’t be cool  he said

Hmm, some things to consider:

Being friends with "fond feelings" is not that far off (IMO) from being an orbiter, which can interfere when one starts trying to start a new relationship.

Many people find ghosting hurtful, so he may have been hurt when you did that in the past and not want to "go through that"multiple times.

You seem to be asking for an emotional connection via friendship, and for sex, but keeping him at arm's length in terms of a relationship. Like - the "un-cola" of relationships??

IF he does all this and you find someone new because you're "not in a relationship" - doesn't he get hurt? Seems like he would.

Overall, there seems to be a lot of at least potential for downside to maintaining this for both of you.

[Alpacalia]

This is still going on?

You two lovebirds are cray cray.

Edited May 26, 2021 by Alpaca

[vwisme]

Forgive me if this comes off as judgemental and this may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black but between this and the other thread, you may need to clean slate it all 

Maybe take time for you and do nothing but fwbs at the most. 

[Happy Lemming]

@Cookiesandough  I really don't understand this guy, unless he is dating someone else??

I get work is work and if he was trying to line up his next job; I can see him delaying a response (after receiving your pics), but only a short delay.

A few years back, I got some "sexy pics" from a woman along with a "wanna come over and play" invite (in the middle of my work day).  I went to my boss, told him the truth and asked if I could leave work for a couple of hours.  He said "Go ahead, you'll be no good to me here, anyway... Go have fun" and I left work to "go play"!! 

If I wasn't at work and ANYONE sent me "sexy pics", I'd ask if I can come over and play with that or those... If the answer was "yes"... I'm redlining the sportbike to get there.  There should be no need in "blowing up" his phone, all he should need is a simple "yes" or invite.

Just my two cents...

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

calls me “inconsistent” if I don’t answer a text in his designated time..

Agree. take a break from anyone who starts that nonsense.

[Miss Spider]

Haha thanks.,Yeah  I mean it’s cool if he was like not interested in them at the time or whatever,   but his lecture about me being egotistical and the way he rolled his eyes, shrugged.  and he said” look I’m not shallow. That’s not going to have any influence on me” and then about how people dont “earn their looks” uncalled for. That’s a ridiculous assumption and he knows I’ve never been vain and actually don’t post much on social media even and reminded him it wasn’t about validation, but it does suck how he went on to talk about other stuff right after I send them.  About google drive files.  He can get off his high horse, he always been pleased ... liked them and compliments them all the time.: just like people do for anyone’s stuff they send. Also never had any complaints about it from anyone. oh well, that’s fine ... no need to make me like I’m thirsty or something I’m not . He’s always bringing up how I messed up in the past. He says he wants to move past it , but doesn’t seem it does. You’re right 

 

Thank you 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

...does anyone think he’s just playing games and likes the attention he now has? Regardless, I’m going NC on him. Maybe he’ll fix his act 

I'm not convinced he's playing games but that is irrelevant.  Pretty clear you two are not compatible.  Think you should take what he says at face value and move on.  He may have said one thing once, people change their minds...fair or not.

[Miss Spider]

51 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I'm not convinced he's playing games but that is irrelevant.  Pretty clear you two are not compatible.  Think you should take what he says at face value and move on.  He may have said one thing once, people change their minds...fair or not.

You’re right but I’m not saying he needs to be fwb because he agreed to , totally get he changed his mind but he told me now all he will accept is a rship , but I need to prove I’m consistent and stable, and I told him point blank I am not and I can’t be, E.g. I said on the trip I need some time to think on this and consider if I can be , and it’s easier if I don’t talk to him on my trip at all and he basically  said no, you are the one who should be proving your me consistent , and you’re turning it” don’t get to do that 

 

i just feel like he’s playing a ton of games and trying to make me pay ... he told me “I don’t think anyone’s ever held you accountable” so he feels I haven’t and he needs to teach me 🙄

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. take a break from anyone who starts that nonsense.

Ty I’m actually feel myself starting to hate him. Gonna just step way,  way back and respond at bare minimum. 

[flitzanu]

23 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you. Yea you’re right but I want to be clear; I did ask friends , but I meant more we can be cool. Not even talk every day, but I literally said can we just see yeach other when we’re out and have fond feelings for each other and smile . And he said no if you stop responding / ghost again you’re scorched earth , I’m done , and no we won’t be cool  he said 

We’re not even that xD I told him to answer me rn or he’s blocked, he’s like you expect everyone to drop everything for you whenever you want to talk and I’m like yea I do lol he’s like well I’m not going to lol it’s not that even that he respond or not, it’s that lately he’s a d*** when he responds but it’s low key 

oh cookies.  you're an absolute hot mess and i love it 😅

 

with the story that we know, i can only venture a guess that maybe since he originally wanted more and you're like "nope" that he's being resentful and jerkish about it, or trying to play aloof.  or maybe he isn't playing and he is actually resentful about it.

though, you're probably sending a bit of a mixed signal by telliing him you don't want to date him and then acting needy about contact and him answering you, or reacting to photos.  just be mindful of what you're actually portraying, that if you aren't interested, you can't push him to respond like a boyfriend since that's not what you want, that neither of you have "obligations" without the relationship.

but on the flip, if that's the communication style you want or need from even a FWB or mild interest and he isn't responding or reacting the way you WANT, it just goes back to how it might just be a bad idea all around.

LTDR - you can't act like a crazy girlfriend if you're not a crazy girlfriend.  i think that's a big disconnect, that you might be jumping back and forth across the line.

[Miss Spider]

7 hours ago, flitzanu said:

oh cookies.  you're an absolute hot mess and i love it 😅

 

with the story that we know, i can only venture a guess that maybe since he originally wanted more and you're like "nope" that he's being resentful and jerkish about it, or trying to play aloof.  or maybe he isn't playing and he is actually resentful about it.

though, you're probably sending a bit of a mixed signal by telliing him you don't want to date him and then acting needy about contact and him answering you, or reacting to photos.  just be mindful of what you're actually portraying, that if you aren't interested, you can't push him to respond like a boyfriend since that's not what you want, that neither of you have "obligations" without the relationship.

but on the flip, if that's the communication style you want or need from even a FWB or mild interest and he isn't responding or reacting the way you WANT, it just goes back to how it might just be a bad idea all around.

LTDR - you can't act like a crazy girlfriend if you're not a crazy girlfriend.  i think that's a big disconnect, that you might be jumping back and forth across the line.

You wanna hear about a hot mess ?😣

So a couple nights ago, I called up my ex ( not this one, but ex #3, the one who tried to make everyone hate me, stole my dog , etc etc , ... ) I told him sorry , we ended up going to a bar , I said sorry, missed him, I went back to his place and saw my dog he stole.. also his 2 cats I cared for when we were together.. I cried so hard ... and  i ... kind of made out with him....yes we kissed. & I could tell he thought when I get back from my trip we are gonna get back together... I do not want that though. I’m still seeing thread topic ex (ex#5) we are not together as a couple, but I’m afraid that it ex #2 tells ex #5 about how we kissed he’s going to be upset about it,., 

 

This is a big possibility because I told ex #2 we can’t be together yesterday  .. I didn’t have romantic feelings for him. And he flipped out.. he always does this, he’s crazy . & he said he’s friends with ex #5 Some texts he wrote: 

 

 

“I cannot believe it took less than a day for you to completely 180 and disappoint me. Be friends with the girl whom I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with? And you f***** knew that. I don’t understand how someone so smart can be so stupid “

 

If you wanted to just be ****** “friends” then maybe full-on making out with me and making me think you MISSED me missed me and wanted me to take you back wasn’t the best idea 

 

And telling me “you’ve moved on romantically” man, you have got some ******* nerve on you don’t you? How f***** convenient for you. You’ve somehow managed to break my heart and disappoint me again

“

I had my heart broken two months ago and you come back into my life and look at Andrea and are like “here hold my beer” because you have to be the one that hurts me the most “

 

Ugh I’m about done with both of them ..