What was the last straw that made you 'break up' with a MM?

[Vivalavi]

We've been talking for about 15 months now and seeing each other about once a month since November. We went from talking all day to a few times a day. Not my choice though. I'm a MW, also busy but always find time for him. Lately, he takes hours to reply, anywhere between 2-8 hours which makes me feel uneasy. Am I too needy for wanting to hear from him a little more???? 

I brought it up asking whether he thinks that the time one takes to respond can be a good indicator of overall interest. He didn't thinks so. He mentioned he lost interest being on his phone in general and that he is interested in me and enjoys talking to me. Truth be told, it didn't assure me much. I don't believe him.  I know he is nice, helpful, funny and in a way caring when we are together in person, but through texting I don't feel it much. When it takes him forever to get back to me, I want to do the same to him but then I give in. I don't want to play some childish games. 

There are times when all I wanna do is give up because it hurts to the point that all I can do is cry. My inner voice begs me to let go but this blind fool in me keeps going. No logic whatsoever. Yesterday, I saw his FB Mother's day post saying how much he loves his wife and appreciates all she does. Calling her his sweet lady. It got me thinking how can he cheat on her if he loves her so much!!?

Anyway, what was your last straw to give up on your MM? Where did your strength to end it come from? 

[Stupidkupid]

Just now, Vivalavi said:

We've been talking for about 15 months now and seeing each other about once a month since November. We went from talking all day to a few times a day. Not my choice though. I'm a MW, also busy but always find time for him. Lately, he takes hours to reply, anywhere between 2-8 hours which makes me feel uneasy. Am I too needy for wanting to hear from him a little more???? 

I brought it up asking whether he thinks that the time one takes to respond can be a good indicator of overall interest. He didn't thinks so. He mentioned he lost interest being on his phone in general and that he is interested in me and enjoys talking to me. Truth be told, it didn't assure me much. I don't believe him.  I know he is nice, helpful, funny and in a way caring when we are together in person, but through texting I don't feel it much. When it takes him forever to get back to me, I want to do the same to him but then I give in. I don't want to play some childish games. 

There are times when all I wanna do is give up because it hurts to the point that all I can do is cry. My inner voice begs me to let go but this blind fool in me keeps going. No logic whatsoever. Yesterday, I saw his FB Mother's day post saying how much he loves his wife and appreciates all she does. Calling her his sweet lady. It got me thinking how can he cheat on her if he loves her so much!!?

Anyway, what was your last straw to give up on your MM? Where did your strength to end it come from? 

I found some self respect, got a counsellor and reminded myself he was a liar. It took a while but when I got to there, it was done. I wasn't over it immediately, it took months of very intense counselling, support, hobbies but I got there.

 

Frankly, the bit in bold is where I basically got to. Though I loved him, he had to go. For my life and sanity.

[NYAG]

22 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

We've been talking for about 15 months now and seeing each other about once a month since November. We went from talking all day to a few times a day. Not my choice though. I'm a MW, also busy but always find time for him. Lately, he takes hours to reply, anywhere between 2-8 hours which makes me feel uneasy. Am I too needy for wanting to hear from him a little more???? 

I brought it up asking whether he thinks that the time one takes to respond can be a good indicator of overall interest. He didn't thinks so. He mentioned he lost interest being on his phone in general and that he is interested in me and enjoys talking to me. Truth be told, it didn't assure me much. I don't believe him.  I know he is nice, helpful, funny and in a way caring when we are together in person, but through texting I don't feel it much. When it takes him forever to get back to me, I want to do the same to him but then I give in. I don't want to play some childish games. 

There are times when all I wanna do is give up because it hurts to the point that all I can do is cry. My inner voice begs me to let go but this blind fool in me keeps going. No logic whatsoever. Yesterday, I saw his FB Mother's day post saying how much he loves his wife and appreciates all she does. Calling her his sweet lady. It got me thinking how can he cheat on her if he loves her so much!!?

Anyway, what was your last straw to give up on your MM? Where did your strength to end it come from? 

Communication will scale back once the honeymoon period is over. It's impossible to keep up that kind of communication intensity indefinitely and like any relationship it eventually settles into a pattern otherwise it's just exhausting especially if it's more online than in person. The novelty wears off especially if you're not seeing them that often and if I was only going to be seeing someone once a month I'd walk away which is ultimately what happened with me. It just got boring. I didn't need a penpal. But I also found out he had a whole string of conquests on the go at once and I just thought 'meh', this isn't worth it. I can switch off to someone very quickly when things change. I need more than that but then my circumstances are very different to the MMs I've been involved with. I don't 'need' them.

Drastic changes in behaviour are often a red flag and it's something I always look out for, The only way to deal with anything like this is communication. I would never let things slide without challenging it head on and finding out what's going on and I refuse to date anyone who doesn't know how to communicate properly. Affair situations are already wasted time. Letting them drag on when they are starting to wane and when the communication is poor shouldn't be tolerated by either side. I refuse to put up with game playing, extended silences, read messages unanswered. It's so childish and unnecessary. Again, it's something that will turn me off of someone very quickly.

My strength comes from all the years I have wasted on relationships where the other person just didn't care about me. My rule for MMs is not to fall in love with them. These relationships are always destined to end or at least, never end happily. The next time I do fall in love I want it to be with someone available who wants to spend a long time with me and only me.

[BourneWicked]

Realizing exactly how much time he spent with other people (friends, family, whoever) and exactly how much time he spent with me. 

Recognizing that I wanted more of him in my life, and as he got less and less of me, he seemed perfectly comfortable. 

That was it. Finally it. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by BourneWicked

[Snakesalive]

22 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

We've been talking for about 15 months now and seeing each other about once a month since November. We went from talking all day to a few times a day. Not my choice though. I'm a MW, also busy but always find time for him. Lately, he takes hours to reply, anywhere between 2-8 hours which makes me feel uneasy. Am I too needy for wanting to hear from him a little more???? 

I brought it up asking whether he thinks that the time one takes to respond can be a good indicator of overall interest. He didn't thinks so. He mentioned he lost interest being on his phone in general and that he is interested in me and enjoys talking to me. Truth be told, it didn't assure me much. I don't believe him.  I know he is nice, helpful, funny and in a way caring when we are together in person, but through texting I don't feel it much. When it takes him forever to get back to me, I want to do the same to him but then I give in. I don't want to play some childish games. 

There are times when all I wanna do is give up because it hurts to the point that all I can do is cry. My inner voice begs me to let go but this blind fool in me keeps going. No logic whatsoever. Yesterday, I saw his FB Mother's day post saying how much he loves his wife and appreciates all she does. Calling her his sweet lady. It got me thinking how can he cheat on her if he loves her so much!!?

Anyway, what was your last straw to give up on your MM? Where did your strength to end it come from? 

For me it was seeing how he behaved when we had D Day and moved in together . It was the realisation I’d fallen in love with an illusion -the strong person I thought he was , the “me and you against the world “ just crumbled before my eyes . 

i guess specific moments that will stay with me were when he watched me book my plane ticket home in tears and just sat looking very detached from it all -his focus was on himself and damage limitation with his children . The time he withdrew knowing I was desperate for reassurance it would be ok -we’d get through this .it makes shudder now thinking about how wrong I got things . 

I started therapy while we were still together and that was a huge help , my family were amazing giving me huge strength without judgemental and fir the first time I saw how strong my husband was -ironic that in the affair I thought my MM was the strong one and would look after me if/when we were finally together. 
All these things came together and as others have said I realised I was worth more , my family were worth more -they were real . 
Even when we split he tried to say if we had waited a while it would have been different-another example of him avoiding responsibility and trying to play mind games 

[Vivalavi]

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. His behavior changed so much. I know he was going through some changes from selling a house and moving into a different one. He was busy a lot lately.

He admitted he used to be more responsive and feels too spaced out these days. What does it even mean?? He keeps saying he didn't lose interest, enjoys talking to me and always responds even if it's hours later. I don't understand... Am I supposed to read something between lines? Maybe he is trying to push me to end it so I would be the bad guy? After all the reasons he gave me lately why he isn't as he used to be, I still feel there might be something else. We are no longer friends on Snapchat because he didn't want his wife to see my name on top of his friends list. It's been 3 months and he still didn't add me back. 

Besides that, do MM go through phases when they don't feel like flirting/sexting? I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to keep talking about this with him over and over again since he gave me his explanation, but I feel there is something he isn't saying. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Truth to be told, I'm tired of thinking about it all the time. But somewhat can't stop.  

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Snakesalive said:

For me it was seeing how he behaved when we had D Day and moved in together . It was the realisation I’d fallen in love with an illusion -the strong person I thought he was , the “me and you against the world “ just crumbled before my eyes . 

i guess specific moments that will stay with me were when he watched me book my plane ticket home in tears and just sat looking very detached from it all -his focus was on himself and damage limitation with his children . The time he withdrew knowing I was desperate for reassurance it would be ok -we’d get through this .it makes shudder now thinking about how wrong I got things . 

I started therapy while we were still together and that was a huge help , my family were amazing giving me huge strength without judgemental and fir the first time I saw how strong my husband was -ironic that in the affair I thought my MM was the strong one and would look after me if/when we were finally together. 
All these things came together and as others have said I realised I was worth more , my family were worth more -they were real . 
Even when we split he tried to say if we had waited a while it would have been different-another example of him avoiding responsibility and trying to play mind games 

We always think APs will be our knight in shining armour. They very very very rarely are. Sorry you had to learn the hard way. The man was appalling.

[NYAG]

6 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. His behavior changed so much. I know he was going through some changes from selling a house and moving into a different one. He was busy a lot lately.

He admitted he used to be more responsive and feels too spaced out these days. What does it even mean?? He keeps saying he didn't lose interest, enjoys talking to me and always responds even if it's hours later. I don't understand... Am I supposed to read something between lines? Maybe he is trying to push me to end it so I would be the bad guy? After all the reasons he gave me lately why he isn't as he used to be, I still feel there might be something else. We are no longer friends on Snapchat because he didn't want his wife to see my name on top of his friends list. It's been 3 months and he still didn't add me back. 

Besides that, do MM go through phases when they don't feel like flirting/sexting? I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to keep talking about this with him over and over again since he gave me his explanation, but I feel there is something he isn't saying. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Truth to be told, I'm tired of thinking about it all the time. But somewhat can't stop.  

i don't know. I've never been in a relationship with an MM long enough to see this situation. But I would imagine that life sometimes gets in the way. It depends how long it's been going on for. It feels to me like he is distancing himself and he'll either end up ghosting you or hope you do . He's taking the cowardly route and pushing you into a corner of having to take the upper hand because he hasn't got the balls to. However, I could be wrong. He could be fatigued by the whole thing, but then you have to wonder if you've just become texting penpals.

[Stupidkupid]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. His behavior changed so much. I know he was going through some changes from selling a house and moving into a different one. He was busy a lot lately.

He admitted he used to be more responsive and feels too spaced out these days. What does it even mean?? He keeps saying he didn't lose interest, enjoys talking to me and always responds even if it's hours later. I don't understand... Am I supposed to read something between lines? Maybe he is trying to push me to end it so I would be the bad guy? After all the reasons he gave me lately why he isn't as he used to be, I still feel there might be something else. We are no longer friends on Snapchat because he didn't want his wife to see my name on top of his friends list. It's been 3 months and he still didn't add me back. 

Besides that, do MM go through phases when they don't feel like flirting/sexting? I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to keep talking about this with him over and over again since he gave me his explanation, but I feel there is something he isn't saying. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Truth to be told, I'm tired of thinking about it all the time. But somewhat can't stop.  

I don't think it matters what other MM doin many respects. Although from ny experience, the MM in my Affair never backed off unless we tried to conpletely stop contact. In many years there were never periods of reduced contact unless one of us had attempted to end it.

I'd just end it and go no contact, deal with thr short tern pain so that you can sort yourself out. Don't still be doing this in 3, 5, 10 years like so many of us have only to get to the point of NC.

Unles casual, no strings and no relationship is what you want then this is not getting you anything but hurt.

[Snakesalive]

14 hours ago, NYAG said:

We always think APs will be our knight in shining armour. They very very very rarely are. Sorry you had to learn the hard way. The man was appalling.

True, yes it was a very hard lesson but without a doubt the best thing I did was get out of it . Even now I can’t believe he wanted to keep me on the back burner till he made his mind up  .
My overwhelming feeling towards him now is that he is a coward , weak and conflict avoidant -absolutely not the qualities I want in a partner . 
 

[Poppy47]

He never let up with the contact at all.   Eventually he put his wife on social media.  What I saw there was IMMEDIATELY a deal breaker.  I walked away and have never had any communication with him since.

Poppy

[Minnie Moo]

I found out through his wife’s FB profile pic update that she was indeed pregnant. Had been for x5 months and for x3 of those he’d lied by omission to me about it even though I’d asked (had a weird inkling) 

it still took me x2 months to actually finally end things and go no contact though as I was so so entrenched with him emotionally.  
 

Nearly x3 months later (there have been a couple of small lapses) and life is much brighter and less stressful without him in it.  I still have my moment where I’d give anything to speak/be with him again but they’re becoming few and further between now.  

[Davina1]

It’s like reading my older posts .  I think you can sense when things are not right . As you say lack of communication, hours to reply . For me it was because he couldn’t phone me for 3 weeks ! Then saying his phone was dead , lots of other things . We still email a bit but it’s just casual friend and only because it’s a family friend. But I have no desire to meet him or talk again .   I had to contend with a wife he said he loved and a business colleague who he spends months travelling with and he squeezed me an odd email . But In the beginning he could contact me all hours of the day . 
I would just let if fizzle off tbh 

[Vivalavi]

And just like that I no longer need a reason to end it... He did it for me. My heart is breaking and I'm not sure what to do. In our regular convo, he said he is my friend on top of what ever else this is. I told him to me he is more than just a friend. We talk the usual until I asked what all this is to him.  He texted back that things have to come to end. Friendship can stay but we can't mess and meet with each other anymore. He said his wife wants another baby and he can't keep this up in a good conscience. Then he said he doesn't want me to feel like he is leading  me on in any way, it isn't his intentions. But he can't keep doing this anymore. 

This hurts and I'm pretty sure I'm in denial right now. I'm hurting and thinking why he didn't have enough decency to tell me in person. Did it really mean so little to him? I feel such coldness from his last message. As if he simply throw me under the bus and didn't look back.  I feel I meant absolutely nothing to him.

And the crazy thing is, I'm working with him tomorrow. It will be a first day without touch or kiss. I don't know if I can handle that. Why didn't he tell me in person??!! 

[RebeccaR]

On 5/10/2021 at 12:44 PM, NYAG said:

Communication will scale back once the honeymoon period is over.

This is true. I forget your situation exactly. I think a lot of OW/MW are chasing that early thrill and need the dopamine hit when the texts come in. It’s a distraction from the tedium of daily life. But if there’s no emergency or urgent matter, it’s normal to take hours to reply, especially if a person has a job, or, yes, a family.

 I forget your endgame, were you hoping for a full time relationship with your MM? Him telling you he is staying with his family is better than stringing you along. I would not stay friends because you will always be wanting more. Can you do full NC? 

[NYAG]

7 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

This is true. I forget your situation exactly. I think a lot of OW/MW are chasing that early thrill and need the dopamine hit when the texts come in. It’s a distraction from the tedium of daily life. But if there’s no emergency or urgent matter, it’s normal to take hours to reply, especially if a person has a job, or, yes, a family.

 I forget your endgame, were you hoping for a full time relationship with your MM? Him telling you he is staying with his family is better than stringing you along. I would not stay friends because you will always be wanting more. Can you do full NC? 

My honeymoon periods tend to wear off after a few months. Thankfully. I like it when things settle into normality. I have those discussions at the outset so there are no blurry lines around commitment or expectation. My MM is a gap filler. He will never leave his family and that's completely fine by me. He's nice, he's fun, but like all MMs he's not available and frankly I wouldn't want him as my exclusive BF. I don't want a full time partner. I like my space, my time. Once a week, the occasional overnight somewhere and some texting companionship throughout the week (because we have a lot in common) suits me very well for now. I always go NC when a relationship ends whether that's just because the relationship has ended or because I need to go NC for my own health and wellbeing. I don't find it difficult to walk away, but I've had to do it a lot when proper relationships have broken down. I prefer to cut off and start afresh. I can't do with limerence or hanging on in there hoping he'll change his mind. Plenty more fish in the sea and MM's are never worth the heartache.

[Camper]

15 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

And just like that I no longer need a reason to end it... He did it for me......Why didn't he tell me in person??!! 

He didn't tell you in person because he is a conflict-avoiding coward. He compartmentalized his lives with you and his wife, and ultimately, decided he could not do it any more. 

You say you are in denial. However, you seem to at least have some grasp on where you stand with him. I am so sorry you are hurting. It will take a while, but I think you will eventually understand that this is for the best. You deserve better than this.

[Vivalavi]

On 5/25/2021 at 4:32 AM, RebeccaR said:

This is true. I forget your situation exactly. I think a lot of OW/MW are chasing that early thrill and need the dopamine hit when the texts come in. It’s a distraction from the tedium of daily life. But if there’s no emergency or urgent matter, it’s normal to take hours to reply, especially if a person has a job, or, yes, a family.

 I forget your endgame, were you hoping for a full time relationship with your MM? Him telling you he is staying with his family is better than stringing you along. I would not stay friends because you will always be wanting more. Can you do full NC? 

I didn't have endgame. I just wanted to enjoy time with him while fooling myself that he might care the same way as I do. 

I don't know if I can do full NC. Before he ended it, I was thinking about ending it myself several times due to emotional rollercoaster his hot and cold behavior put me through.  My inside screamed "I can't do this anymore" but I didn't listen. I always wanted to believe he was who I thought he was. A good man who would not use me like a disposable toy. Someone who genuinely likes me 

 

[Vivalavi]

On 5/25/2021 at 4:45 PM, Camper said:

He didn't tell you in person because he is a conflict-avoiding coward. He compartmentalized his lives with you and his wife, and ultimately, decided he could not do it any more. 

You say you are in denial. However, you seem to at least have some grasp on where you stand with him. I am so sorry you are hurting. It will take a while, but I think you will eventually understand that this is for the best. You deserve better than this.

Thank you for your kind words. I feel like each day is worse and worse. I cried a lot today. And on top of it I feel like a fool for feeling so miserable. Why am I doing this to myself? I doubt he even thinks of me. 

How can one compartmentalize??? How can you come home after being intimate with other woman and then post on social media a family picture with your wife smiling ear to ear? I don't understand this "picture perfect" social media fake game. 

I believe, based on his Snapchat score and the way he sent his naughty snaps while we were only talking, I wasn't first who he was texting with and sent all kinds of photos. 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

How can one compartmentalize??? How can you come home after being intimate with other woman and then post on social media a family picture with your wife smiling ear to ear? I don't understand this "picture perfect" social media fake game. 

I believe most men are so good at compartmentalising because when growing up and in adulthood they are allowed to think of one thing at a time and so are able to do so. 
Women on the other hand are expected to multi task to think of a million things at once so always have a big picture assessment of the whole situation.
One thing does not exist on its own in a vacuum, it is tied to so many others.
In the case of your MM, he goes home, he erases you from his mind completely. He visits you, he erases his wife and family from his mind completely... 
Now you are gone, your space in his mind is minimal or non existent most of the time.

[NYAG]

6 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I didn't have endgame. I just wanted to enjoy time with him while fooling myself that he might care the same way as I do. 

I don't know if I can do full NC. Before he ended it, I was thinking about ending it myself several times due to emotional rollercoaster his hot and cold behavior put me through.  My inside screamed "I can't do this anymore" but I didn't listen. I always wanted to believe he was who I thought he was. A good man who would not use me like a disposable toy. Someone who genuinely likes me 

 

I would absolutely not stand for behaviour like that. Anyone who plays stupid texting games and blows hot and cold gets dropped like a hot brick. It's hard enough finding anyone I can align to without having to make those kinds of compromises too in an MM. If he cared he would NOT treat you like that and I wouldn't date anyone let alone an MM who behaved so childishly.

[Beentheretoooften]

On 5/30/2021 at 5:56 AM, elaine567 said:

Women on the other hand are expected to multi task to think of a million things at once so always have a big picture assessment of the whole situation.

Most actually choose to do this.    Not expected at all.  

[Beentheretoooften]

On 5/30/2021 at 5:56 AM, elaine567 said:

In the case of your MM, he goes home, he erases you from his mind completely. He visits you, he erases his wife and family from his mind completely...

This on other hand, I think mostly is the case. 

[Vaday007]

On 5/12/2021 at 12:27 AM, Vivalavi said:

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. His behavior changed so much. I know he was going through some changes from selling a house and moving into a different one. He was busy a lot lately.

He admitted he used to be more responsive and feels too spaced out these days. What does it even mean?? He keeps saying he didn't lose interest, enjoys talking to me and always responds even if it's hours later. I don't understand... Am I supposed to read something between lines? Maybe he is trying to push me to end it so I would be the bad guy? After all the reasons he gave me lately why he isn't as he used to be, I still feel there might be something else. We are no longer friends on Snapchat because he didn't want his wife to see my name on top of his friends list. It's been 3 months and he still didn't add me back. 

Besides that, do MM go through phases when they don't feel like flirting/sexting? I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to keep talking about this with him over and over again since he gave me his explanation, but I feel there is something he isn't saying. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Truth to be told, I'm tired of thinking about it all the time. But somewhat can't stop.  

He probably have a new girl. My MM also changed drastically and he kept making up excuses saying it was because of Covid and because a lot of stressful things happened.

 

But knowing him, even when his son was hospitalized he still talk to me so I started to investigate and there I found out the truth. 

[Snakesalive]

@Vivalavi how are you doing?