DNA test found out that my brother's children aren't his

[Treven jade]

Hello everyone. I am here looking for support on a family crisis

This story is of my brother Ken who was married to his ex-wife Medirrita for 15 years. It's been almost a year since he found out about his wife's affair with a colleague and which was going on for 13 years. And on top of it , amongst his 3 children the younger 2 aren't his. 

To give you all a background, my bother is a good man. He is a  hard working guy. His wife also seemed to be an excellent woman, until just a year ago I found out about her affair. Since then, my brother is staying at my place . His home is in TEXAS. And I stay all the way to the Capital. 

His stand on the younger two kids is simple. He has no plans on raising them as his kids. He has cleared to me that he won't raise his ex's affair children. 

I somehow found it evil and unusual of him to react in such a harsh way towards the kids who are as much victims as him. But then he tamed me out through his perspective which preety much convinces me to be OK towards his actions. 

As for his ex wife, she is trying all hard to keep her family together. She has made her kids as a weapon against my brother.  The two kids are missing him and sending him tons of replies to motivate him to come back home. In the starting, he would get emotional and rethink of not divorcing but he is stable enough to stand firm on his ground. As for out parents , my mom has been an emotional mess too . Apparently Apparently doesn't want to see his son's marriage getting broken and his 2 kids left fatherless. My father is firmly supporting Ken's decision.  Apparently he is a traditional  guy who thinks it's not manly to raise affair kids'. 

My sister on the other hand has been troubling Jim to stay with mediritta for the sake of kids. And surely not abandon them for reasons as trivial as DNA. 

I just want suggestion on how should I help my kid brother? He is a precious person to me. And seeing him so much hurt is causing my heart to ache. 

 

[glows]

Avoid taking sides. While you think it's a family crisis, it's not your family crisis. In other words, don't meddle or get too involved.

You can encourage him to get a lawyer immediately to start getting an idea of what his responsibilities and payments will look like or what a divorce will cost.

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by glows

[Treven jade]

I know it's not my crisis or the entire family's crisis. But it's easy said than done. Here I am talking about my kid brother, who happens to be the most precious people of my life. I simply can't stand by and look away. And don't worry I am his divorce lawyer. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Treven jade said:

as trivial as DNA. 

Sorry this happened to them. Are they legally divorced? Is so there is no "staying together for the family".

13 year affairs and the deception for all that time, including allowing him to believe they were his children, is far from "trivial. 

 Stay out of it. Help him look for a place or perhaps stay with your parents, his friends, other family, etc.

[Miss Spider]

Oh man sorry that happened. As for him not wanting to raise the kids... I can see from an outsiders perspective how that seems harsh and unfair to them. I can also see his perspective though where he is not wanting put energy and resources into a constant reminder of a terrible betrayal & some else’s children. Maybe with time he’ll change his mind about their relationship, but I would stay out of it and try seeing his perspective. It’s a difficult situation

Edited May 10, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Treven jade said:

I know it's not my crisis or the entire family's crisis. But it's easy said than done. Here I am talking about my kid brother, who happens to be the most precious people of my life. I simply can't stand by and look away. And don't worry I am his divorce lawyer. 

All the more reason to take a step back. You may want to rethink your position as his lawyer if you are not able to objectively treat this case as you would other cases due to conflict of interest. I do not know where you are but most legal bar associations prohibit this especially if there is conflict of interest due to cases involving family or friends.

He is not a kid. He is a grown man. Apply your professionalism as a lawyer here to this situation as you would others if you want to go down this route. 

 

[Marc878]

If you stay out of this you are taking sides. You’ll be siding with his adulterous wife.

Being a martyr in these circumstances is a hard and thankless road. 
 

Stay with her for the kids? I’m sure she’d love it. She’s a cake eater.

Your bother counts too.

He’s your brother. You should take his aide.

[FMW]

I'm sure you and your family have affection and care for the two children that aren't biologically your brother's, it's a really sad situation for everyone.  How old are the two children?  I would think it would be hard to just cut ties and walk away from children he had thought were his own, regardless of how they were created.   

Your brother has to do what he feels is the right thing to do.  You can gently try to discuss with him the emotional and bonding aspects of his relationship with the two children, make sure that he's thought through the long term impact of his decision, this is a decision that might cause him even more hurt.  But I wouldn't push it.  

Edited May 10, 2021 by FMW

[BaileyB]

My heart just breaks for those children. 

If their mother is using their desire to connect with the man they have known to be their father to pressure him to stay in the marriage, that is a cruel thing to do your brother, but more importantly - the children! 

While I can understand your brother’s pain, to severe a relationship with children that you had been raising as your own... ugh. How does a child even begin to interpret and understand that? The damage this will do to those children. It’s unimaginable. 

[Treven jade]

While I understand your pain for my nephews, there is nothing ugh in what Ken is doing. The kids will always remind him of the affair. The kids will always remind the betrayal and the lies he lived for years. The kids are nothing but a representation of a failed marriage through his eyes. And you dare not ' ugh' him or his actions. He is a stronger man than most . 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Treven jade said:

I know it's not my crisis or the entire family's crisis. But it's easy said than done. Here I am talking about my kid brother, who happens to be the most precious people of my life. I simply can't stand by and look away. And don't worry I am his divorce lawyer. 

Don't you think he'd be better off with a dispassionate divorce lawyer?

[Treven jade]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

While I can understand your brother’s pain, to severe a relationship with children that you had been raising as your own... ugh.

There is nothing ugh about it. After almost a year of staying and looking at my brother I can proudly say that he isn't wrong. And sorry, those children are his existence and her lover's. He shares zero moral responsibility towards them .

[BaileyB]

50 minutes ago, Treven jade said:

While I understand your pain for my nephews, there is nothing ugh in what Ken is doing. The kids will always remind him of the affair. The kids will always remind the betrayal and the lies he lived for years. The kids are nothing but a representation of a failed marriage through his eyes. And you dare not ' ugh' him or his actions. He is a stronger man than most . 

FYI, I didn’t ugh him, I ughed the whole situation. 
My statement was unclear, so I understand the misunderstanding. 

Your defensive response tells me that your brother would be best served to get an impartial lawyer. 

[Treven jade]

22 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Don't you think he'd be better off with a dispassionate divorce lawyer?

Exactly this is how I feel. But with the tremendous family pressure, I can't actually hire a lawyer. Everyone is our family has different and mixed reactions on the divorce. We are conservative chirstains. Divorce is a strict no-no. So the process of divorcing will just extend of someone else comes in  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Treven jade said:

We are conservative chirstains. Divorce is a strict no-no.

Ok, can your bother speak to the clergy? Certainly the scope of his estranged wife's deception is a consideration, no? For example, their entire marriage seems like a sham, not to mention her cheating and deceiving him about the children.  Has she filed for child support from the affair partner or is your brother's name on the birth certificate, and how does that affect things in his jurisdiction/situation?

[Lotsgoingon]

Just listen to him ... listen for the next few months ... give him an ear to hear himself talk ... hopefully he will realize that he does have a role in these young people's lives. They are no biologically his own, but he presumably has an attachment to him and he to them. By this point, the attachment is biological in his security.

So of course, he cannot abandon these two children. Even if he has partial custody and they spend time as well with their biological father. (The kids might not want to meet the bio father.)

But your brother understandably feels played and humiliated and tricked ... he's feeling violated ... So allow him to just rage right now. Stay away from trying to persuade him. Just listen to him ... He will likely on his own ... get to realizing that he IS a parent to those children, even if he is not a biological parent. 

He will just plain and simple miss the kids and want to see them. 

[Blind-Sided]

I get it... but it still sux for the kids if they are old enough to know him as "Dad".   BUT... he needs to divorce her... and tell her he has no intentions of monetarily supporting the 2 younger kids. 

[Marc878]

Not taking sides in this scenario means you really are taking sides. 

[MsJayne]

Wow, your brother must be in a world of pain and torment, and his reaction isn't out of the ordinary. When he's had time to calm down and properly digest what's happened he'll hopefully see that he's punishing the kids for what their mother has done. Something similar happened in my family and consequently my father was a man with very serious anger issues - because it was never dealt with he had to carry the burden of the betrayal alone, but had family supported him and made my mother take responsibility for what she'd done he would have been vindicated and probably would have coped much better.  Maybe when your brother comes around a bit he'll understand that in no way is it the fault of the two children, and they see him as their father so to abandon them will make them even more the victims of their mothers actions.  Being a parent isn't really about who donated the sperm and who gave birth, it's about the nurturing and the bond. Merridita - she needs divorcing ASAP,  what a piece of work. You say she's an "excellent woman" - nope, she's a conniving, manipulative woman who has been lying to your whole family for years. Maybe the best thing you can do for Ken is just to support him through the emotional turmoil, because on a scale of 1 - 10 of distress, his would be a 20.  Worst thing anyone can do to your brother is try to downplay what's just happened to him or try to defend his wife. Sometimes you do have to take sides, and your sister needs to be given the heads up on that. By encouraging him to stay with his wife she's actually invalidating him and siding with the wife, and that insensitive approach just makes things worse. What he needs is sympathy, support, and encouragement to see the two kids as victims rather than seeing them as the product of his wife's sordid affair. What a mess, I wish him luck in coping and recovering in the long term. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by MsJayne

[Treven jade]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Just listen to him ... listen for the next few months ... give him an ear to hear himself talk ... hopefully he will realize that he does have a role in these young people's lives. They are no biologically his own, but he presumably has an attachment to him and he to them. By this point, the attachment is biological in his security.

So of course, he cannot abandon these two children. Even if he has partial custody and they spend time as well with their biological father. (The kids might not want to meet the bio father.)

But your brother understandably feels played and humiliated and tricked ... he's feeling violated ... So allow him to just rage right now. Stay away from trying to persuade him. Just listen to him ... He will likely on his own ... get to realizing that he IS a parent to those children, even if he is not a biological parent. 

He will just plain and simple miss the kids and want to see them. 

I already have cleared the issue. He isn't willing to raise or meet those kids. And , please remain assuming how he will feel about the kids. 

[Treven jade]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Just listen to him ... listen for the next few months ... give him an ear to hear himself talk ... hopefully he will realize that he does have a role in these young people's lives. They are no biologically his own, but he presumably has an attachment to him and he to them. By this point, the attachment is biological in his security.

So of course, he cannot abandon these two children. Even if he has partial custody and they spend time as well with their biological father. (The kids might not want to meet the bio father.)

But your brother understandably feels played and humiliated and tricked ... he's feeling violated ... So allow him to just rage right now. Stay away from trying to persuade him. Just listen to him ... He will likely on his own ... get to realizing that he IS a parent to those children, even if he is not a biological parent. 

He will just plain and simple miss the kids and want to see them. 

To be honest he has no moral obligation Or a role in this kids life. Does he really need to do anything for those if it affect ahis mental health? I dint think so. He shouldn't waste his time on kids he didn't produce 

[Treven jade]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Being a parent isn't really about who donated the sperm and who gave birth, it's about the nurturing and the bond

This doesn't apply to children from deception. He didn't adopt them did he? Nor he knew the reality , until 15 years late . And he doesn't owe them his time and love TBH. After all this kids ae enothing more than a reminder of the affair. He already has an elder son of his own. 

[Treven jade]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe when your brother comes around a bit he'll understand that in no way is it the fault of the two children, and they see him as their father so to abandon them will make them even more the victims of their mothers actions.

I have cleared out your doubt in the above . He has made up his mind already. He isn't ready to raise those kids nor he is ready to play father to those kids

Edited May 11, 2021 by Treven jade

[Treven jade]

7 hours ago, FMW said:

I'm sure you and your family have affection and care for the two children that aren't biologically your brother's, it's a really sad situation for everyone.  How old are the two children?  I would think it would be hard to just cut ties and walk away from children he had thought were his own, regardless of how they were created.   

Your brother has to do what he feels is the right thing to do.  You can gently try to discuss with him the emotional and bonding aspects of his relationship with the two children, make sure that he's thought through the long term impact of his decision, this is a decision that might cause him even more hurt.  But I wouldn't push it.  

Thank you for the answer . 😃. But as foe the kids, the older one is 10 and younger one is 8. And after Some, half a year of concealing, my brother has made up his mind. He doesn't want to raise them. He doesn't see himself as the father to the kids whose parents have betrayed him. 

[Treven jade]

3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

What he needs is sympathy, support, and encouragement to see the two kids as victims rather than seeing them as the product of his wife's sordid affair

I hope you don't give advice to people who suffer from paternity fraud. Yiur entire answer is based on my  he should raise those kids. The reality his he needs to restart his life. Those kids dint matter one bit. It seems harsh but he hasnt done anything deserve such ill treatment. Surely nothing bad enough to make him self raise two affair kids.