DNA test found out that my brother's children aren't his

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Treven jade said:

He isn't ready to raise those kids nor he is ready to play father to those kids

Indeed, he should stay away from the children. If this is how he feels, his presence in their life is likely to do more damage than good. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

What a very tragic situation!

Definitely comfort and support your brother by listening to him and empathizing with him as I'm sure you're doing. As a divorced woman I can tell you that relatives who try not to side with someone who has hurt you badly add more hurt to your situation. 

Regarding the children of the affair. You mentioned your family are conservative Christians. I also am a devout Christian and in the case of an affair divorce is allowed. The level of deception in this situation is monumental, also. Your brother's ex has put her affair children in a horrible position.  Is the biological father involved with them at all? Or does he want to be?

Your brother really needs prayer and some wise counseling. Because his son has two siblings (from the affair) he (the son) will always love. It's in the best interest of your brother to somehow figure out how to relate with these kids in a kind way. I can't imagine the pain he will endure while doing so, though. He needs some professional help to navigate his way through this mess.

I'm so sorry for your brother and your family. I've just as sorry for those two affair children. What a heartbreaking situation!

 

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Treven jade]

 

9 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

What a very tragic situation!

Definitely comfort and support your brother by listening to him and empathizing with him as I'm sure you're doing. As a divorced woman I can tell you that relatives who try not to side with someone who has hurt you badly add more hurt to your situation. 

Regarding the children of the affair. You mentioned your family are conservative Christians. I also am a devout Christian and in the case of an affair divorce is allowed. The level of deception in this situation is monumental, also. Your brother's ex has put her affair children in a horrible position.  Is the biological father involved with them at all? Or does he want to be?

Your brother really needs prayer and some wise counseling. Because his son has two siblings (from the affair) he (the son) will always love. It's in the best interest of your brother to somehow figure out how to related with these kids in a kind way. I can't imagine the pain he will endure while doing so, though. He needs some professional help to navigate his way through this mess.

I'm so sorry for your brother and your family. I've just as sorry for those two affair children. What  heartbreaking situation!

 

 

Thank-you so much living water. We have appointed 2 councellors for Ken. First one is a close friend of mine who is working with him to help him reestablish himself. The exposure of the affair had lead him to leave his job. His mental state was degrading. 

The second counselor is actually a buddhist monk guru/meditation teacher appointed by mom. He apparently needs ' peace of mind through meditation.' But the guru has also helped him establish some firm grounds. And helped him recover. 

Apart from these two he also has me . As for Kyle and Tim, my son meets them. He too lives in NYC for his college so he enures to drop by every 4-5 days. The kids are young so he ensures that they are adapting to this new environment. My brother has ensured on thing and that is, he won't be a parent to those affair kids. He doesn't want to hold any relationship woth them and after the pandemic ends, he is going to leave Texas along woth his son to start a new life . And I disagree to your point. There is no interest of my brother in  having a relationship with those two. He doesn't have any  moral obligations toward those kids.

And the biological father doesn't want to do anything with the kids because he has his own family

Edited May 11, 2021 by Treven jade

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 minutes ago, Treven jade said:

 

 The kids are young so he ensures that they are adapting to this new environment. My brother has ensured on thing and that is, he won't be a parent to those affair kids. He doesn't want to hold any relationship woth them and after the pandemic ends, he is going to leave Texas along woth his son to start a new life . And I disagree to your point. There is no interest of my brother in  having a relationship with those two. He doesn't have any  moral obligations toward those kids.

And the biological father doesn't want to do anything with the kids because he has his own family

I can understand your brother's feelings about the children but this is one of the most tragic situations I've read on LS. Those precious children basically have no father through no fault of their own.

[Lotsgoingon]

Fury at the wife for sure. But he already has invested deeply in the children. I'm assuming his bond with the children at this point is beyond the contribution of sperm. I can't imagine he'll turn his back totally on the kids.

But that's down the line. For now, he has the right and duty to rage and then grieve and rage some more. 

This is a genuinely horrifying situation. But far more common than we like to think. 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Treven jade said:

I hope you don't give advice to people who suffer from paternity fraud. Yiur entire answer is based on my  he should raise those kids. The reality his he needs to restart his life. Those kids dint matter one bit. It seems harsh but he hasnt done anything deserve such ill treatment. Surely nothing bad enough to make him self raise two affair kids. 

I didn't say he should continue to raise the kids, I said he needs to understand that they are also victims of their mother's lies and deceit, it's not like they've known the whole time and helped keep her grotty secret. On the contrary, I believe it should be a criminal offence to lie about paternity and any victims should be able to sue the woman for misrepresentation, and any falsely claimed child support, etc. But those kids are just as much a victim as he is, they've been lied to as well, and when they get older they may well have some serious problems as the result of all of this.  Hating them is not the answer to helping him move through this. I do hear where you're coming from, as I said, a similar thing happened in my family so you don't need to explain to me what staring at the product of an affair across the dinner table every day does to you. 

[Sungrl841]

Up until he found out about the affair they were his kids. For the last 10-8 yrs they were his children. And he their dad. They are the only father he knows. It is not their fault for what has happened. Yes, it is their mother's fault. But the choice to stay away from them, to hurt them that is in on your brother. No one can control the actions or choices we make. Is he within his right to refuse them support and his time of course he is. He is not their father but to them, he is THEIR father. And whatever choices he makes in regards to them are his choices regardless of what she has done. 

So typical to talk about your conservative Christian beliefs.... but when its' actually time to show up, to actually live the life of the person you say you are trying to model yourself after " a tiny Christ" you don't. 

 

[Mrin]

Recuse yourself

[Treven jade]

2 hours ago, Sungrl841 said:

Up until he found out about the affair they were his kids. For the last 10-8 yrs they were his children. And he their dad. They are the only father he knows. It is not their fault for what has happened. Yes, it is their mother's fault. But the choice to stay away from them, to hurt them that is in on your brother. No one can control the actions or choices we make. Is he within his right to refuse them support and his time of course he is. He is not their father but to them, he is THEIR father. And whatever choices he makes in regards to them are his choices regardless of what she has done. 

So typical to talk about your conservative Christian beliefs.... but when its' actually time to show up, to actually live the life of the person you say you are trying to model yourself after " a tiny Christ" you don't. 

 

Hello there. Thank-you for you reply. I know we all have sensitive spots for the kids. It's not a biological reason why he is leaving. People adop kids. Don't they? But here my brother was tricked to spend 10 years of time , money and emotions on kids who were of a man who slept with my sister in law.  

Your suggestion here is not a notable helpful or sensible. ' to them , he is their father'doenst matter. It's his life and he should make himself a priority first than make any kid, let alone those kids a priority.  And quit blaming it on him. 

His actions aren't one bit bad. 

[Treven jade]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Fury at the wife for sure. But he already has invested deeply in the children. I'm assuming his bond with the children at this point is beyond the contribution of sperm. I can't imagine he'll turn his back totally on the kids.

But that's down the line. For now, he has the right and duty to rage and then grieve and rage some more. 

This is a genuinely horrifying situation. But far more common than we like to think. 

Did you not read anything of the above. I have already mentioned how my brother feels about raising the kids form his wife's affair. He isn't ready to play father to the kids that he didn't make . 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Treven jade

[elaine567]

I would not get too entrenched in this, it may blow up spectacularly in your face.

Your brother is hurt upset and angry and is seeking revenge on his wife.
What better way than to deny the kids? He has been the only father they have ever known and their distress will hurt his wife immeasurably.
He knows that and that is really why he is doing it.
You are encouraging him to go down this route as he has convinced you it is the right one.

BUT you shouldn't really get between husband and wife, it is their business not yours.
 
Many many people through love, commitment, duty and kids will forgive cheating spouses, no matter how unlikely it seems at the time of first discovery. 
At the moment it is clear, cut and dried, he is leaving never to look back, but in 6 months, a year, 2 years... things may be a whole lot different. 
They may be in contact again, he may regret leaving, he may be begging her to be allowed to return...  missing the kids may have melted his heart...
He may have done a cost benefit analysis. Bachelor/single parent existence in a strange place may not hold much attraction once he gets there... 
Many factors involved as to why forgive and forget is sometimes seen as the better option..

Then, if you are seen to be on the "wrong" side, it will be YOU who he sees as the enemy...
Support your brother, but do not get TOO involved is my advice.
Putting yourself out on a limb as his divorce lawyer, may mean when sanity returns, you are then persona non grata.

[Blind-Sided]

I know I've posted already... but I've been stewing on this a bit.  BUT... how old are the kids in question? 

Let me start bay saying... I am sorry about all this, and I'm sure if I was in the situation... I wouldn't know what to actually do.  BUT... I have seen on this thread a few times, comments about "Only a sperm donor". (Or something along those lines)  But this is EXACTLY what makes you the LEGAL father.  I'm not sure why people are trying to play it off like it's not a big deal.  Also... for a lot of people... cheating is the only thing they can't recover from.  It's more than just an action... it's TOTAL loss of trust, and integrity.  You can't live your life with someone like that.  And in this case... he found out it's been happening for a long time. 

On the point of the kids... yes... it's heartbreaking.  BUT... in the USA... unless he wants to LEGALY adopt them... he is not the legal father, and can't have any custody of them after the divorce.  That's how the law works.  AND... since she is so untrustworthy, and a liar... and SHE has put kids in this situation... why would he want to adopt them?   And finally on that point... unless the LEGAL FATHER is dead or legally gives up his rights to the kids, he CAN'T adopt them even if he wanted to. 

What it comes down to is... don't look at this guy as "The bad guy".   The MOTHER is THE BAD GUY !! She should have never put the kids in this position, and lied to them about who the father was.  If the kids are old enough to understand... SHE NEEDS TO TELL THE THE KIDS !!!!

While it's hard on the kids... PLESASE do not look poorly on this guy.  Why would he want to take on a life long commitment when all it will do is remind him of the heartbreak he has gone through? 

 

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

how old are the kids in question?

 

9 hours ago, Treven jade said:

the older one is 10 and younger one is 8.

 

 

[Caauug]

Human nature: Take a quick look at the different post on this thread. Look at who is posting to say in the kids lives and who is saying your brother has no responsibility. Do you see a pattern, it may not be 100% but it's close? 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Treven jade said:

 my brother feels about raising the kids form his wife's affair. He isn't ready to play father to the kids that he didn't make . 

Question: Is he on their birth certificates? Do they know he is not the biological father?

The most important questions legally and emotionally.

Not about "shoulds", that is for your brother to figure out, so why debate or get into that?

Edited May 11, 2021 by Wiseman2

[notbroken]

Your brother needs to seek the advice of an attorney.  He may find he IS legally responsible for the kids (or not) and the advise of a bunch of people on the internet is not good enough.  He needs to know the law in his state for sure.  If he is on the birth certificate my guess is he is legally and financially responsible regardless of who is the actual father.     

Tragic situation.   Horrible mother.  Yes this is absolutely her fault but many will pay the price of it.   

 

[Treven jade]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Question: Is he on their birth certificates? Do they know he is not the biological father?

The most important questions legally and emotionally.

Not about "shoulds", that is for your brother to figure out, so why debate or get into that?

He has his name revoked from birth certificate last December itself. We were able to present the sufficient data and information regarding paternity and upholds the biological father responsible.

[Treven jade]

8 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I didn't say he should continue to raise the kids, I said he needs to understand that they are also victims of their mother's lies and deceit, it's not like they've known the whole time and helped keep her grotty secret. On the contrary, I believe it should be a criminal offence to lie about paternity and any victims should be able to sue the woman for misrepresentation, and any falsely claimed child support, etc. But those kids are just as much a victim as he is, they've been lied to as well, and when they get older they may well have some serious problems as the result of all of this.  Hating them is not the answer to helping him move through this. I do hear where you're coming from, as I said, a similar thing happened in my family so you don't need to explain to me what staring at the product of an affair across the dinner table every day does to you. 

I would like to hear your story .  What exactly happened? 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Treven jade said:

He has his name revoked from birth certificate.

Ok, that solves that. Do the children know he is not the biological father? Has an adult (the mother/your brother) explained why their father (your brother) disappeared?