Obsessed over ex girlfriend

[Excalibur85]

To cut a long and complicated story short.

We were together almost 10 years and we have two kids together. 8 and 6 now.

We split up 2 years ago. It came out the blue to me. Looking back now I can see that perhaps I was a bit over protective and possibly controlling at times but she did have a self employed job. This however was very intermittent and she had no clue with regards the value of money so I ended up paying for almost everything in our relationship.

She has been in a new relationship approx 18 months and I'm finding it very very hard to focus on myself and move on. She regularly asks me for money/loans and uses the kids as ammunition. I find it very hard to say no but now realise how much of a push/walkover I've been. 

She regularly teases me with cheeky pics and false promise and I fall for them every time.

What is your advice to help.me focus on myself and move on from her?

[chillii]

Ooooo ouch.

And behind the new guys back no less . l dunno man but l guess you need some kind of line in the sand as far as giving her extra , but they're your children and l can see the predicament .

The pics well , again l suppose you'd be better off stopping that, pride if nothing else , letting her hold that power over you when she's with someone else and took off. l wouldn't want games like that from her myself and an ex under those circumstances , it'd be time for the future and someone new .

 

 

 

Edited May 12, 2021 by chillii

[elaine567]

First are you paying her a fair amount for the kids?
If she is struggling, then that may be the reason why she resorts to "teasing" you to get some money out of you.
 They are your kids, your responsibility.
If you are giving her a good fair sum that covers all expenses then ignore the teasing and tell her straight in business like terms.
If you are  scrimping and dodging out of your responsibility then step up to the plate and give your kids the money they deserve.
Forget about any hope of getting back together, your job now is to be the best co-parent you can be.
Do the best you can for your kids.
She left you and has got a new guy, so put your relationship on a purely co-parent footing..
Grieve heal and move on.

[d0nnivain]

On 5/10/2021 at 3:20 PM, Excalibur85 said:

What is your advice to help.me focus on myself and move on from her?

You share children.    You do not get the luxury of no contact.  You must find a way to co-parent.  If you haven't already worked out child support & a visitation schedule that is your 1st step.  Then you stick to the plan. You interact with your kids & be civil to her, but nothing more.  Tell her to stop sending you cheeky pictures.   When she makes you a promise your 1st thought must be "gee, she's lying again".  Your focus should be on your kids not your failed relationship with their mom. 

[Taramere]

On 5/10/2021 at 8:20 PM, Excalibur85 said:

She has been in a new relationship approx 18 months and I'm finding it very very hard to focus on myself and move on. She regularly asks me for money/loans and uses the kids as ammunition. I find it very hard to say no but now realise how much of a push/walkover I've been. 

She regularly teases me with cheeky pics and false promise and I fall for them every time.

What is your advice to help.me focus on myself and move on from her?

Keep your focus less on her or on you, and more on what's best for your children.  If it sometimes seems difficult to figure that out (and people often differ quite strikingly regarding what they believe to be in children's best interests) do a search for reputable free parenting helplines so that you can talk it over with a detached professional.  I think the more focused you are on the children's welfare, the less swayed you'll be by their mother's cheeky pictures, false promises and manipulation.   But I really would urge you to form links with a good parenting organisation.  The more focused you are, as a rational adult (as opposed to a player in a drama) on their needs, the easier you're going to find it to make wise, correct decisions.

Edited May 12, 2021 by Taramere

[ShyViolet]

Oh man, normally we would say block her and go no-contact, but you can't do that since you have kids together.

Do you have a set child support agreement with a specific amount you have to pay her every month?  Just pay that, and no more than that.  The agreement should be spelled out in stone clearly, and you just stick to that.

[Marc878]

There are ways to limit contact. Like a lot you are keeping yourself in this perhaps to try and control the situation. You have zero control over her.

Set up reasonable child support payments. You can have those sent as payroll withdrawal directly to her. Once that’s established cut of any further funding.

Limit communication to children only ignore anything else. Do it by text/email.
 

Pick ups/drop offs shouldn’t take more than  3 minutes. Zero shared time. Keep everything separate.
 

I know 3 who do this and it works if you apply it.  Right now you are the one keep yourself in this. She can’t unless you allow it.

[neowulf]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You share children.    You do not get the luxury of no contact.  You must find a way to co-parent.  If you haven't already worked out child support & a visitation schedule that is your 1st step.  Then you stick to the plan. You interact with your kids & be civil to her, but nothing more.  Tell her to stop sending you cheeky pictures.   When she makes you a promise your 1st thought must be "gee, she's lying again".  Your focus should be on your kids not your failed relationship with their mom. 

I think this is spot on. 

Steel yourself and treat the arrangement like a business agreement.  You write the agreement down, then honor it to the letter.

She's emotionally manipulating you to get things her way.  That has to stop.  If you've got a concrete set of agreed requirements, that's all you're obliged to adhere too.

I understand it's easier said than done.  No everyone has the advantage of an emotionally stable, reasonable ex to work with.